Marriage By God's Design

TITLE: Marriage By God’s Design

TEXT: Ephesians 5.22-33 (Matthew 19, 1 Corinthians 7)

INTRODUCTION Part 1: Setting the stage for this morning

My goal this morning is not to tell you what is wrong with your marriage. All marriages are imperfect since they are a union of two sinners in need of God’s grace, forgiveness, and redemption.

Your present marriage or future marriage if you are currently unmarried will certainly have challenges. These challenges may be common to most marriages or they may be unique to you and your spouse. Regardless of your situation, my goal this morning is to point us to the Word of God to open our eyes and help us understand the marital relationship according to God’s Design.

Initially, I want us to understand the blessed union of MARRIAGE in light of what we have seen over the last few weeks together.

Man and Woman at Creation

Genesis 1-3

By God’s Design, man and woman were created in His image, for His glory, to enjoy Him forever. We were created equally, but we were given distinct roles, in His wisdom, as perfect complements to one another.

Manhood Redeemed

1 Corinthians 16.13-14

By God Design, men are present and caring for all the Lord has blessed him with. He stands firm in the truth and he finds his strength in the Lord. Men are not hard a callous in their demeaner, but they do all things in love, reflecting the love of their Savior.

Redeeming Biblical Womanhood

Proverbs 31.10-31

By God’s Design, a woman who fears the Lord is more precious than anything this world could offer. She is hard working, doing good in all she has been blessed with. She is generous and kind, full of wisdom, and she honors the Lord in all things she does. Her value is found in who she is: an image bearer of God.

INTRODUCTION Part 2: The Bigger Picture First

This section of Ephesians 5 that addresses Wives, Husbands, and their relationship with one another only makes sense if we understand the verses immediately prior, v.15-21.

Ephesians 5:15–21 (ESV)

15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

From these verses, it is apparent for us this morning as believers that wisdom without understanding the will of God is no wisdom at all. In not seeking to understand God’s will for the Christian life, we are being nothing but fools.

Further, we are called to be filled with the Spirit. True communion with God is not through worldly experiences, but it is by the Holy Spirit transforming us by the renewing of our minds through the Word of God.

Paul is not saying there are some Christians with the Spirit and some without. If you have repented and believed in Christ alone for salvation, you have been sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of your inheritance in glory with Christ forever.

No.… this is a command for believer to live continually under the Spirit’s influence by letting the Word of God control you in all things.

This leads to great unity with one another and encouragement to one another in the church body.

Colossians 3:16 ESV

16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

Spirit-filled people (Christians) humbly submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, who is revealed in His Word.

REVERENCE here (Greek work phobos) can carry both positive and negative connotations. Here it is best understood as a feeling of awe, reverence, and respect for the one true God.

Proverbs 9:10 “10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.”

GOSPEL

Before we go any further, stand in awe of the Lord today and submit to Him as Lord this morning.

Romans 10:13 “13 For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.””

Why are we laying this ground work? Aren’t we supposed to be talking about marriage today?

If we miss this foundational truth, nothing else we talk about this morning will carry the same weight in our minds.

The Gospel changes everything about us, especially our marriages.

MAIN IDEA: Marriage is a complemental union designed to glorify God by reflecting the union of Christ and His church.

Outline: Our marriages are honoring to God’s design when...

A Wife submits to her husband out of reverence for Christ (v.22-24)

A Husband’s love reflects Christ’s love for His church (v.25-30, Matthew 19.4-6)

A Marriage is primarily a reflection of Christ, His church, and His Gospel (v31.33, 1 Cor 7.1-5)

Ephesians 5:22–24 ESV

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Our marriages are honoring to God’s design when...

1. A Wife submits to her husband out of reverence for Christ (v.22-24)

It is not a secret that sections of Scripture such as this one are becoming rather unpopular. Certainly in modern culture but even within churches.

We do not like the idea of submission…. WHY? Because it is against our nature. Even as believers, our flesh that remains is waring against the indwelling Spirit of God, fighting to take control of our thoughts and actions each day.

BUT…. in Christ we are new creations freed from the bondage of sin and equipped as Spirit-filled people to follow the teachings of our Lord.

New Creations, Freed From Sin

Romans 6:1–4 ESV

1 What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? 2 By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? 3 Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4 We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

Wives, submit…. (v.22)

In the original Greek language, the verb “submit” does not even appear in verse 22, and that is because it is a continuation of the idea established by the apostle in v.21 - SUBMISSION to one another out of reverence for Christ.

That is why the apostle finishes to the verse with the statement “as to the Lord”. This is the first of three instances in this chapter that Paul calls for submission “as to the Lord”.

Firstly - Wives unto their husbands

Secondly - Children unto their parents

Thirdly - Bondservants unto their earthly masters

Why should a wife submit to her husband?

The Greek term here is the same as used in v.21 (hypotasso) which means to be subject or subordinate to someone or something.

In the creation story, we saw the origin of this marriage relationship unfold by first the creation of Adam. Yes, Adam was created first and he alone received the commandment of the Lord.

God’s Commandment to Adam

Genesis 2:16–17 ESV

16 And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, 17 but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”

And then, it was not good that man was alone. Thus a helper perfectly fit for him was created. She was bones of his bones…and flesh of his flesh…called WOMAN for she was taken our of man.

She was created in the image of God just like he was, with inherent dignity and value, deserving of honor and respect as God’s creation. And then, we see the beauty of the marriage relationship established.

Marriage Created By God

Genesis 2:24 ESV

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

In the creation story, we see certain roles established within the marriage relationship that are carried along throughout biblical history and reflected once again by the apostle here when talking about marriage.

The husband is the head of the family.

Husband…the head of the wife (v.23)

The Greek term used here for HEAD is not confusing in any way. It is used to describe a physical human head in the Scriptures and it is also used to describe a position, meaning the top or first of something.

Yes….biblically…the husband is defined as the head of his family just as Christ is head of His church.

Colossians 3:18 “18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”

1 Peter 3:1–2 “1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”

1 Timothy 2:11–13 “11 Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. 13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve;”

This is NOT a display of chauvinistic tendency in Paul’s theology nor is it a cultural thread that we have now evolved beyond in our “great wisdom” some 2000 years later.

No…this is God’s design from the beginning: Wives submitting to their husbands leadership.

ILLUSTRATION: Consider a couple dancing

Firstly, this is not going to be an active demonstration. I have no desire to dance before you this morning.

In a proper coordinated dance, you have someone that leads and someone that follows. Without a leader, the two of you are aimlessly moving about in no specific direction with no defined cadence.

Both the leader and follower are necessary! Without one or the other, everything falls apart. BUT… when someone leads…and leads well, the partner responds and follows that leadership. What is produced is a beautiful harmony of motion that is united together.

THUS IT IS with the marriage relationship.

Christ…the head of the church (v.23)

The headship of the husband is correlated here to Christ being the head of His church. Christ and the body are united together, and He is their Savior.

1 Corinthians 11:3 “3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.”

And the church submits to Christ! Who else would we have as our head?

Colossians 1:15–20 ESV

15 He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. 16 For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. 17 And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. 19 For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.

I am not saying your husband is your Savior nor am I saying that your husband is your ultimate authority. These things belong to Christ alone!

As Christ is head of His church, so your husband is the head of your family. He alone has been given this role and responsibility by God, and you are called to display your reverence for Christ your Savior by respecting him and submitting to his leadership.

COTV Question: Part 1

Practically, what does it look like…when a woman biblically submits to her husband?

Simply put, it means from day to day a God-fearing wife acknowledges and honors the role she has been blessed with (the perfect fit and helper for man), and she does not seek to establish herself in a role she was never meant to serve within.

Don’t forget at the Fall in Genesis 3…. God told woman that her new sinful nature would be to subvert her husbands leadership!

BUT this is not you any longer! Declare the Word of the Lord in Romans 6 and 2 Corinthians 5 to be true and trustworthy every day. Your old self was crucified with Him. You are not bound by your old nature, but you are a new creation in Christ.

Practical Steps

Let your husband lead. Encourage him well in his successes. Love him deeply and respect his attempts towards greater discipline in his role. Extend him grace in his failures.

This is not blind or passive submission, but active. With Christ as your ultimate authority, do not follow him in matters that are sinful.

Pray for your husband.

Exalting Jesus in Ephesians Spirit-Filled Wives (5:22–24)

Wives submit to their husbands because they want to glorify Christ (cf. 5:21; 6:8–9). The godly wife sees this duty as part of her Christian discipleship. The motive is not to fulfill some societal role or cultural expectation. The motive is love for Christ and a desire to be conformed to His image.

Ephesians 5:25–30 ESV

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body.

Our marriages are honoring to God’s design when...

2. A Husband’s love reflects Christ’s love for His church (v.25-30)

Paul turns here from Spirit-filled wives to address Spirit-filled husbands… who are likely flying high after listening to verse 22-24.

Before we as husbands start making a list to deliver to our wives this afternoon of all the ways she needs to be better at submitting, we must realize our role in this relationship is to love them in such a way that makes their submission easy.

Let us not be men who claim to be followers of Christ, calling our wives to biblical obedience and yet we are asleep at the wheel when it comes to loving and leading our families well.

ILLUSTRATION: Who wears the pants?

In reference to relationships and marriages, this is a common question. It is another way of saying “Who’s in charge?” or “Who really makes the decisions?” in your home.

Husbands… Wear the pants! Walk obediently and lovingly in your God-given role as the head of your home.

You see our sinful nature in Adam was to side step our God-given leadership. This is exactly what happened at the Fall.

Adam Responsible as the Head

Romans 5:12 ESV

12 Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned—

Just as Adam was held responsible in his passivity for not leading Eve well in the commandment of the Lord, do not lead your wife into sin by letting her do your job.

This is not something we lord over our wives, but this is our role to walk faithfully in our of reverence for Christ.

Christlike Headship

No longer in Adam but in Christ, the call on husbands is to love their wives in a way that reflect’s Christ’s love for his church.

Let’s look at a few examples together from these verses detailing how men are supposed to love their wives.

1. A Husband’s love is Sacrificial (v.25)

We are supposed to love our wives in a way that reflects Christ’s love for His church, which is His bride. This begs the question: How does Christ display love for the church?

Christ died for His church!

His love for his people, his sheep is displayed fully in His willingness to bear our sin and take our cross so that we might bear His righteousness and stand before the Father justified.

Ephesians 5:1–2 ESV

1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Each day, a husband living by God’s design continually gives of himself, sacrificing his wants and desires for the sake of her. You wake up and give yourself away for the good of your bride!

Self Sacrifice for His Bride

Philippians 2:5–8 ESV

5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Exalting Jesus in Ephesians Spirit-Filled Husbands (5:25–33)

Men, marriage is a call to die.

Wake up, die to yourself, take up your cross as head of your home, and love your wife by leading her to Christ.

2. A Husband’s love is Sanctifying (v.26-27)

Why did Christ give of Himself to the point of death? He did so for the spiritual good of His church.

The will of Christ for His church is her sanctification.

1 Thessalonians 4:1–4a (ESV)

1 Finally, then, brothers, we ask and urge you in the Lord Jesus, that as you received from us how you ought to walk and to please God, just as you are doing, that you do so more and more. 2 For you know what instructions we gave you through the Lord Jesus. 3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification:

In the same way that Christ gives of himself for the spiritual benefit, the spiritual cleansing and transformation of the church through the truth, so a husband gives of himself for the building up of his wife.

He loves her by leading her to what is true in the Scriptures.

Jesus’s High Priestly Prayer for His Bride

John 17:17 ESV

17 Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth.

3. A Husband’s love is Selfless

The description in Genesis 2 of man and woman becoming “one flesh” is continued here. By God’s Design, a husband should nourish and cherish his wife, meeting her needs just like he naturally meets his own.

This means a husband walking in God’s Design is just as concerned about his bride as he is himself. This may be our hardest challenge!

In our flesh, it is easy to focus solely on what we want and need. This is natural to us.

In Christ, we are equipped by His Spirit to walk in obedience to his Word, which was once foolishness to us but now we cherish it because it is life giving.

Exalting Jesus in Ephesians Spirit-Filled Husbands (5:25–33)

Just as you long to satisfy your own needs, husbands, satisfy your wife’s needs. Just as you long for intimacy, joy, security, health, peace, companionship, and community, provide them for your bride also.

COTV Question: Part 2

Practically, what does it look like… when a man loves his wife as Christ loved the church?

Husbands…Firstly we will not be able to “take dominion” (meaning to take responsibility, to care, to lead, to cultivate) in our marriages if we do not first take dominion over flesh. (The Titus Ten, p27)

Pursue self control over the flesh and personal victory over sin through the power of Christ, His Word, and His Spirit that dwells within you.

Romans 6:16–19 (ESV)

16 Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17 But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, 18 and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. 19 I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification.

Husbands…Love your wife in a manner that helps her grow in Christ-likeness. Lead her in exercising the spiritual disciplines of abiding in the Word, prayer, and fasting. Be just as concerned about her spiritual well-being as you are about her physical-well being.

Husbands…your love for your wife must be without reservation, not self-seeking, and without condition.

As Christ holds fast to His church and nothing will separate them from His love, so a husband should hold fast to his wife and love her as the perfect complement and helper designed for their permanent union.

Ephesians 5:31–33 ESV

31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Our marriages are honoring to God’s design when...

3. A Marriage is primarily a reflection of Christ, His church, and His Gospel (v31.33)

To conclude this section, Paul brings us back to Genesis 2, stating a man shall leave his father and mother, being united to His wife, and the two shall be one flesh.

This language is also used in Matthew 19 when Jesus is answering a questions from the Pharisees regarding divorce. Having knowledge of the OT Law, they asked “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?”

Matthew 19:4–6 ESV

4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

The Pharisees cared not the truth, but they just wanted to know when it was okay to discard this sacred relationship.

Christ’s words here and Paul’s in Ephesians 5 are communicating the same idea: God’s design for marriage is a permanent union between a man and a woman. It is a permanent mutual supportive partnership that is ordained and sealed by God, and held in high value for a certain purpose.

The Blessings of Marriage

Yes, there are certainly great blessings from marriage. In this entire world, there is no other relationship like the one you have with your spouse. You know things about each other that no one else does..… AND You know each other in ways no one else does.

This idea of “one flesh” definitely speaks to the unity of the relationship, but it also speaks to the unique intimacy of it as well.

Principles for Marriage

1 Corinthians 7:1–5 ESV

1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Quick explanation before everyone gets too uncomfortable: You are each other’s, and the intimate aspects of your relationship should not be ignored. Prioritizing these things together glorifies God as you lovingly cherish one another.

“This mystery is profound...” (v.32)

What does this mean? Something has been revealed, specifically in the NT and new covenant teachings of Christ and His apostles.

From the beginning, God’s creation of man and woman as perfect complements for each other in the permanent union of marriage was always meant to foreshadow the inseparable relationship of Christ and His church.

APPLLICATION: How do we view our marriage relationships?

Are we expecting our spouses to bring us incomparable joy? Only in His presence is there fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore (Psalm 16)

Are we expecting them to satisfy our every need? Only He satisfies the longing and hungry soul with good things (Psalm 107)

Are we expecting them to fulfill our every desire? Only He fulfills the desire of those who fear him and saves them (Psalm 145)

Believer....the ultimate purpose of your marriage is not to find enjoyment, security, or even physical satisfaction in another sinner. They ultimate purpose of your marriage is not preparing for retirement together. The ultimate purpose of your marriage is not to earn enough money so all your kids can go to college and land successful high paying jobs.

No...God-given design and purpose for this unique relationship is to reflect the relationship between Christ and his church, and glorify God as you proclaim Jesus and His Gospel to one another, to your neighbors, and to the nations. It is no longer a mystery, it is clear.

Exalting Jesus in Ephesians The Effects of the Spirit (5:19–21)

Do not go looking to your spouse for something that only Christ can give you. It is not fair to your spouse, and it is idolatry. You must answer the big questions in life—why do you exist, and who are you in Christ? When you realize God created you for His glory and your ultimate identity is in Christ, then you will not demand something from your spouse that is impossible for him to give. Sing first to the Lord.

Our marriages are honoring to the Lord when we faithfully walk in the roles designed for us to the praise of His glorious grace.