Communication
Marriage Matters • Sermon • Submitted • Presented
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Series: Reclaiming Eden
“Beyond Tin Cans and Strings”
Today: focus on something CRITICAL to EVERY relationship
● ILL:A husband read an article to his wife about how women use 30,000 words a day to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “That’s because we have to repeat everything to men.”
The husband turned to his wife and said, “What?”
Communication is more than just our words
love languages
body language
tone
texting
email
facial expressions
Where you find relational success, you’ll find healthy communication.
o CATALYST to a healthy relationship
o If it’s missing, DESTRUCTIVE and DEADLY
Even outside of marriage, good communication is vital, and the Bible talks about it frequently
He who restrains his words has knowledge, And he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.
There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.
This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;
He who gives an answer before he hears, It is folly and shame to him.
“Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.
...You do not have because you do not ask.
Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.
He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the Lord.
86%... marriage failed because of a lack of communication.
o Not issues like adultery or abuse, but fights about money, kids or sex.
● ILL: Professional golfer Tommy Bolt was playing in Los Angeles and had a caddy with a reputation of CONSTANT chatter. Before they teed off, Bolt told him, "Don't say a word to me. And if I ask you something, just answer yes or no.
● During the round, Bolt found the ball next to a tree, where he had to hit under a branch, over a lake and onto the green. He got down on his knees and looked through the trees and sized up the shot.
o "What do you think?" he asked the caddy. "Five-iron?"
"No, Mr. Bolt," the caddy said.
"What do you mean, not a five-iron?" Bolt snorted.
"Watch this shot."
The caddy rolled his eyes. "No-o-o, Mr. Bolt."
● But Bolt hit it and the ball stopped about two feet from the hole. He turned to his caddy, handed him the five-iron and said, "Now what do you think about that? You can talk now."
o "Mr. Bolt," the caddy said, "that wasn't your ball."
● Bad things happen when you have LITTLE to NO communication
Intimacy starts above the waist.
Listen to your spouse. Talk to your spouse.
● Genesis 2 ends with “…both naked and they felt no shame.“
o 2 humans in a relationship for life, centered around God, friendship, responsibility, sexuality, and family.
● I wish CH 2 was the end of the story; no getting around CH 3
● Communication BREAKDOWN. BEFORE: “naked and unashamed” before GOD and EACH OTHER
o AFTER: Accusatory and covered
● QUOTE:
“Communication is basically an act of the will, not a matter of personality.”
- Gary Chapman
● ILL: Why does marriage struggle? We’re still using TIN CANS…
● PERSONALLY: Communicating together… only two options…
● Communication SEEMS HIGH at the beginning… you learn a CURRICULUM of COMMUNICATION throughout marriage
o You must continue to LEARN/RELEARN communication
● NOTE: Communication patterns probably resemble our families growing up
We have
SIX types of communication
SIX types of communication
● 1. Basic Information
● These are the day-to-day ways a husband and wife convey details to each other,
like “Dinner is ready” or
“My parents left on their vacation this morning.”
While this is obviously an important type of conversation,
it’s mostly related to facts.
● 2. Partnership
● Because a husband and wife are partners, they share needs.
They share responsibilities,
children,
finances and more.
Communicating about these shared actions is vital.
This includes talking about money or parenting.
Partnership is central to a healthy marriage.
● 3. Conflict Resolution
● I get a red flag when I hear about couples who like to brag that they never fight.
because even good marriages have conflict.
People have disagreements!
It’s not a big deal if you fight
—as long as you fight fair.
Be kind.
Listen.
Seek understanding.
The goal of your marriage is not to avoid fights but to resolve conflict.
● 4. Connection
● This is huge in marriage.
You can do it through eye contact,
through physical affection,
and through the words you say to one another.
As humans, we are designed to seek connection.
● One study showed that,
during an average meal,
a couple will have 100 points of connection.
It should be easy.
But in bad marriages,
even this connection over a shared meal is difficult.
● 5. Personal Revelation
● This is another critically important type of communication
because it involves truly sharing with each other.
You tell your spouse about your feelings.
you open up your emotions.
You share your opinion about something.
This type of communication lets your spouse into your world.
● 6. Intimate Communication
● These are exactly what you think:
expressions of love, words of affection,
the hand on the shoulder as you walk past
the kiss on the cheek
the pats on the butt
whispers of “I love you.”
These are statements that no one else will say to your spouse.
These words bind your hearts together
and build the kind of closeness
that keeps a marriage strong.
● Ephesians 4:29 NIV (the verse against cussing)
Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.
“Unwholesome talk”
“Unwholesome talk”
: ANY talk that keeps you or others from BEING WHOLE
o …from being connected with God and with others.
o Communicate in such a way that builds OTHERS UP
o HOLD SPACE for them to BECOME WHOLE
● Choose your words carefully. What you say creates your reality.
● Eph 4:29 INTENTION/DIRECTION of this: It’s TOWARDS OTHERS
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;
do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
NO relationship survives or thrives when it’s always ABOUT ONE PERSON.
● Love grows where communication flows.
o Healthy communication leads toward wholeness
● Time heals all wounds, but steady communication disinfects them.
● How does this actually work? What does this look like in everyday relationships?
● It’s a TWO-STEP PROCESS:
CHECKING IN and CHECKING OUT
CHECKING IN and CHECKING OUT
1 – CHECK IN (physically, what is going on IN THAT MOMENT)
o God gave us INDICATORS
● It’s difficult to be CLEAR WITH OTHERS when I’m not even CLEAR WITH MYSELF
● You want clear communication? Start byCHECKING IN
checking in goes both ways
Give full attention to your partner when talking
focus on good qualities in each other and praise each other often
be assertive
express your feelings, and be specific about your wants and needs
don’t be vague
don’t expect them to read your mind
avoid criticism
if you must criticize, balance it with at least one positive comment (sandwhich)
listen to understand, not judge
use active listening
summarize your partner’s comments before sharing your won reactions or feelings
avoid blaming each other and work together for a solution
2 – CHECK OUT from what we believe is keeping us from connection
*PREVENTION*
● WHEN WE SHOW UP WITH: BLAME, DEFENSIVENESS, BEING RIGHT, holding onto PAST…not taking RESPONSIBILITY…
● CHECKING OUT – Seeing what’s going on INSIDE of you and taking responsibility
● EXAMPLE: Calling a TIME OUT in a conversation before…
recognize your need for a time out
are your fists clenched, is your face red, are you breathing fast, are there tears, do you feel like screaming or throwing
are you afraid, do you feel numb
recongnize the signs
request a time out yourself
it is seldom helpful to tell your partner “you need a time out”
always establish a time to resume the conversation
● Step back and taking a moment to take a breath and get clarity.
o Do an activity that will help you to check out…
● CHECKING OUT is all about TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
o Making sure that my HEART, my INTENTION, my ATTITUDE, my SPIRIT is ALL IN CHECK.
● CHECKING OUT gets us UPSTREAM of fights and forgiveness.
o It helps us to BE MORE WHOLE with each other
o FOR the other person and WITH the other person.
● Your marriage will never rise above the level of your communication.
5 Keys to Clear Communication.
5 Keys to Clear Communication.
1. The Right Tone.
1. The Right Tone.
● Communication is both what you say and how you say it; practice love and gentleness in both.
● ILL: “OK, I understand. I’ll do it.” (Happy, frustrated, angry).
● Tone communicates CARE.
o Impossible to communicate w/… who doesn’t care.
● The WRONG tone CREATES DEFENSIVENESS.
o The RIGHT tone CREATES CONNECTION.
2. Appropriate Timing.
2. Appropriate Timing.
● Let me give you THREE types of communication:
o Proactive: We are going to SIT IN ADVANCE…
o Reactive:We are constantly REACTING to issues.
o Radioactive: Somebody’s gonna GET HURT when we talk about THIS so therefore we DON’T talk about it.
Intentional communication
● Vision… look ahead and you talk about future things. Amos 3:3
Do two men walk together unless they have made an appointment?
o If you don’t agree, you’re going to constantly fight.
o “You have ONE… I have ONE vision for…”
● Personal communication.
o No screens… minimally 20 to 30 minutes a day.
● Intimate communication.
o 3 to 5 minutes a day – will resurrect a dead marriage
3. An atmosphere of trust.
3. An atmosphere of trust.
● We need vulnerability with the Holy Spirit to admit that we need to be TAUGHT how to be a spouse.
● Gen 2:24-25– The four laws of marriage (Jimmy Evans)
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.
And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
● 1 - The Law of Priority
● Leaving father and mother… You have to reprioritize things when you get married. Your marriage becomes the number one priority. Marriage only works in first place. It doesn’t work in any other place.
● 2 - The Law of Pursuit
● Cleave (hold fast) /to work with all of your energy
● Marriage only works when you work at it
● 3 - The Law of Partnership
● The two become one
● Before the fall, there was never a reference to Adam being over Eve nor Eve being over Adam. They were equals. Marriage is about sharing as equal partners.
● 4 - The Law of Purity
● They were naked and unashamed
● Marriage works in an atmosphere of purity. You have to be careful how you treat each other. You have to take responsibility when you make a mistake.
● Become a master of saying these words, “please forgive me.”
o And if your spouse is saying it to you, be a master of saying these words, “I forgive you.”
4. The truth spoken in love.
4. The truth spoken in love.
(IOW: righteous conflict resolution)
● Ephesians 4:15;
but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ,
● Truth without grace is mean; Grace without truth is meaningless.
o You can DESTROY a person with truth W/Ograce.
o But grace and truth are MEDICINE
● How to create a SAFE ATMOSPHEREfor conflict resolution?
o 1. Give your spouse the right to COMPLAIN without paying a price.
o 2. Learn how to complain W/O criticism.
▪ Complaining is about me. “This is something you said to me today in the kitchen. This is how it made me feel.”
▪ I’m not saying this is what was intended, but this is how it felt delivered.
▪ Criticism is different. “You know what you said to me today in the kitchen. Do you know the reason why you said that? It’s because you were evil just like your mother. You were trying to pay me back for what happened yesterday.”
▪ Guns are blazing and I’m going to tell you how you were thinking and feeling
5. Be a Team.
5. Be a Team.
● You two are different by God’s design
● ILL: The way that Jeslyn and I are different…
o Leverage the differences to complement instead of attacking one another.
● Listen: we are team Barringer
o We don’t TOLERATE each other’s differences; we CELEBRATE the differences.
● ILL: Football… you don’t have 11 quarterbacks on the field.
● You are different by God's design, and the more you celebrate that, the more you will be able to communicate.
● Time can heal wounds, but healthy communication will disinfect them.
● So…The right tone. When you’re our communicating tone is critical.
● Commit enough time to communicate clearly.
● Have an atmosphere of trust. Have you broken one of the laws of marriage?
● Have you violated your spouses trust and they are trying to talk to you about it. Do you need to go back and repair some things?
● Do you speak the truth and love? Have you given your spouse the right to complain without them paying a price.
● Do you complain without being critical?
● A team spirit.
o We are different and we celebrate that.
o We are an awesome team because God designed us the way that we are.
● CLOSE: Proverbs 18:21-22
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit. He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the Lord.
