The Road to Recovery

INTRODUCTION

I mentioned two weeks ago how we would like to our grief journey to be like a straight line. We want to get from point A to point B. We all know the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. We have a loss, we’re sad, enough time passes, and then we’re better. As we discussed two weeks ago, our grief is much too complex for this to be the case. What does grief recovery look like in reality? (Draw diagram of the Dual Process Model). When we are in the grieving process, our experience looks more like this. We oscillate between grief and recovery. We oscillate between outbursts of grief and adjusting to a new life without the person we’ve lost. We oscillate between, a sort of denial of the need for change (longing for the way things used to be before the loss) and making new friendships and new routines, etc. Far from being a straight line, we move back and forth between grief and adjusting to the world without the person (s) we’ve lost—or the pet we’ve lost, or the job, or the spouse, etc.

Truth number one that I want you to take home today is recovery from grief begins when you want it to. As one author writes, “Time itself does not heal; it is what you do within time that will allow you to complete the pain caused by loss.” The story of Joseph illustrates this truth beautifully. Joseph’s story spans decades, but his recovery starts near the very beginning. When Joseph is a young man, he begins having dreams and visions. In these dreams and visions he is exalted over his family members. Because he is young and foolish, he shares this with his brothers who become very jealous. They already don’t care for Joseph, because he is clearly their father’s favorite. Jacob even made a special coat for Joseph, which symbolized his favored status—also known as, “Joseph’s Technicolored Dream Coat,” as portrayed by none other than Donny Osmond. Joseph’s brothers plot to kill him, but instead decide to sell him to some slave traders.

This is a story of profound grief and loss. Joseph is betrayed by his own brothers. Much like Absalom and David, this is the ultimate betrayal. Joseph experiences the ultimate loss of trust. The ones he should’ve been able to trust the most, were the ones to do him the greatest harm. Most painfully, Joseph loses his father and his mother. (Discuss secondary losses with congregation). Imagine the profound grief Joseph experienced. Joseph isn’t the only one who is grieving. Jacob grieves too, because the brothers lie to him and tell him that a wild animal gored Joseph to death. This was Jacob’s reaction, “Then Jacob tore his garments, and put sackcloth on his loins, and mourned for his son many days. 35 All his sons and all his daughters sought to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted, and said, “No, I shall go down to Sheol to my son, mourning.” Thus his father bewailed him.” Jacob is grieving and Joseph is grieving.

After Joseph arrives in Egypt, we see him navigate the grieving process. He moves from loss to navigating the world without his family. We read in Genesis 39:1-5: “Now Joseph was taken down to Egypt, and Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh, the captain of the guard, an Egyptian, bought him from the Ishmaelites who had brought him down there. 2 The Lord was with Joseph, and he became a successful man; he was in the house of his Egyptian master. 3 His master saw that the Lord was with him, and that the Lord caused all that he did to prosper in his hands. 4 So Joseph found favor in his sight and attended him; he made him overseer of his house and put him in charge of all that he had.” Time does not remove grief. Joseph’s story spans decades, but within all that time Joseph made decisions that oriented him towards recovery. I’m sure Joseph endured many tear filled nights in Potiphar’s house, but yet that did not hinder Joseph from making the best of his bad situation. The Lord caused Joseph to prosper, and all that he did prospered. If we look at this diagram we see Joseph move from loss and grief to figuring out life in his new role.

As soon as Joseph begins adjusting to his new world, he is hit with another loss. Potiphar’s wife falsely accuses Joseph of sexual assault and he is thrown in prison. But we read in Genesis 39: 21-23: “But the Lord was with Joseph and showed him steadfast love; he gave him favor in the sight of the chief jailer. 22 The chief jailer committed to Joseph’s care all the prisoners who were in the prison, and whatever was done there, he was the one who did it. 23 The chief jailer paid no heed to anything that was in Joseph’s care, because the Lord was with him; and whatever he did, the Lord made it prosper.” Again, Joseph is hit with a secondary loss—because all of this stems from his brother’s betrayals—but he finds a way to adjust, despite the grief. All the while, don’t you think Joseph missed his family? Don’t you think he missed his mother and father? Don’t you think he had conflicting feelings towards his brothers? You better believe it. We can imagine Joseph moving back and forth, between sorrow (and probably a little despair) finding his way in the new and foreign place he was in. In many ways, Egypt is a great analogy for loss. Life was much better for Joseph in Cannaan. Life is often much better before our loved ones pass away. Yet, against our will, we find ourselves in the Egypt of loss and we have to make our way in that new world.

We know the rest of the story, Joseph interprets the Royal Baker and Cupbearer’s dreams. The Cupbearer is restored to Pharoah’s favor, but forgets Joseph. One day Pharoah starts having dreams that none of his priests and diviners can interpret, and the cupbearer remembers Joseph. Joseph interprets Pharoah’s dream, and tells him that God has given him a warning. He needs to store up grain for seven years, because seven years of famine are coming after that. Pharoah is so impressed by Joseph’s answer that he makes Joseph second in command over all of Egypt. It’s at this point in the story that Joseph seems to have completed his grief. Genesis 41:45 reads, “Pharaoh gave Joseph the name Zaphenath-paneah; and he gave him Asenath daughter of Potiphera, priest of On, as his wife. Thus Joseph gained authority over the land of Egypt.” At this point in the story, Joseph seems to have adjusted to his new life in Egypt. For the next seven years, he does all things associated with recovery. He has new relationships—takes a wife. He has new experiences—second in command over al Egypt. He adjusts to a new family dynamic, and even has children of his own. The grief and the loss seem to be in the past.

Then the seven years of famine come, and Joseph is reconfronted with his grief. One day Joseph is distributing grain and low and behold he sees his brothers. The famine had reached Canaan, so Jacob sent them to Egypt to procure grain. Genesis 42 reads, “When Joseph saw his brothers, he recognized them, but he treated them like strangers and spoke harshly to them. “Where do you come from?” he said. They said, “From the land of Canaan, to buy food.” 8 Although Joseph had recognized his brothers, they did not recognize him. 9 Joseph also remembered the dreams that he had dreamed about them. He said to them, “You are spies; you have come to see the nakedness of the land!” 10 They said to him, “No, my lord; your servants have come to buy food. 11 We are all sons of one man; we are honest men; your servants have never been spies.” 12 But he said to them, “No, you have come to see the nakedness of the land!” 13 They said, “We, your servants, are twelve brothers, the sons of a certain man in the land of Canaan; the youngest, however, is now with our father, and one is no more.” 14 But Joseph said to them, “It is just as I have said to you; you are spies! 15 Here is how you shall be tested: as Pharaoh lives, you shall not leave this place unless your youngest brother comes here! 16 Let one of you go and bring your brother, while the rest of you remain in prison, in order that your words may be tested, whether there is truth in you; or else, as Pharaoh lives, surely you are spies.” 17 And he put them all together in prison for three days.”

After three days Joseph lets his brothers out of prison, and Joseph begins pressing them again—telling them that they’re spies. You get the impression that Joseph is enjoying himself. By throwing his brothers in prison, they get a little taste of what he’s experienced in Egypt. Then the brothers begin arguing amongst themselves: “Alas, we are paying the penalty for what we did to our brother; we saw his anguish when he pleaded with us, but we would not listen. That is why this anguish has come upon us.” 22 Then Reuben answered them, “Did I not tell you not to wrong the boy? But you would not listen. So now there comes a reckoning for his blood.” They did not know that Joseph understood them, since he spoke with them through an interpreter. 24 He turned away from them and wept.” At the end of Chapter 41, we get the impression that Joseph has completed his grief. He’s moved on. He’s adjusted. What happened? Seeing his process stirred up all of those feelings and emotions he had inside. He had been recovery the entire time, but he obviously still had grief he needed to complete.

Joseph was crafty guy. He kept his brother Simeon as a prisoner, and told them that Simeon would be released once they returned with their brother Benjamin. Joseph had never met Benjamin before. (This is a secondary loss). Rachel had Benjamin after Joseph was sold into slavery. Joseph had his servants hide treasure and their money in his brothers’ bags when he sent them home. When the brothers discovered what happened they’re utterly distraught. Thy proclaim, “Why has God done this to us!” They tell Jacob what happened, and they say, we definitely have to take Benjamin now—he thinks we’ve stolen from him. Jacob says, no way! I’ve already lost one son, I’m going going to lose another. Benjamin obviously took Joseph’s place as the favorite, because Rachel was Jacob’s favorite wife.

They were content to let Simeon sit in jail for quite a while (we know who was not the favorite). After they had eaten all the grain, the Bible says the famine was still severe. They had no choice but to return to Egypt. Jacob finally relents and let the brothers take Benjamin to Egypt. The Bible says, “ When Joseph saw Benjamin with them, he said to the steward of his house, “Bring the men into the house, and slaughter an animal and make ready, for the men are to dine with me at noon.” The brothers begin apologizing for the treasure, and Joseph says, I received your money, God must have put in your bags. When they sat down to eat, Joseph asked about his father and then he blessed his brother Benjamin. The text says, “With that, Joseph hurried out, because he was overcome with affection for his brother, and he was about to weep. So he went into a private room and wept there. 31 Then he washed his face and came out; and controlling himself he said, “Serve the meal.” Again we Joseph oscillating. These encounters with his brothers stir up all these feelings inside him.

After they had ate, Joseph sent his brothers on his way, but again he’s a sneaky guy. Joseph has his servants hide his divining cup, after all Joseph is a seer, in Benjamin’s bag. He has his servants apprehend his brothers and accuse them of stealing. In his interactions with his brothers, we see Joseph’s conflicting feelings. He’s happy to see his brothers, especially Benjamin. He gives them extra grain, he doesn’t take their money, he feeds them an elaborate dinner. Still, he likes messing with them. He’s enjoys seeing their anxiety. He’s gives them a taste of his own grief. Evantually, Joseph can’t keep up the cat and mouse game. The text says, “Then Joseph could no longer control himself before all those who stood by him, and he cried out, “Send everyone away from me.” So no one stayed with him when Joseph made himself known to his brothers. 2 And he wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard it, and the household of Pharaoh heard it. 3 Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph. Is my father still alive?” But his brothers could not answer him, so dismayed were they at his presence. 4 Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Come closer to me.” And they came closer. He said, “I am your brother, Joseph, whom you sold into Egypt. 5 And now do not be distressed, or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here; for God sent me before you to preserve life.”

This is one of the most profound moments in Joseph’s recovery. Prior to the seven years of famine, Joseph was able to adjust to a new life despite his loss. That is a necessary and major part of grief recovery. However, when he encountered his brothers, he had to process his grief afresh, and probably in ways far more significant way than he did before. He had to complete his grief. Until these encounters, the relationships were incomplete. There were probably a lot of things Joseph wanted to say to his brothers that he never had the chance to. I’m sure there were things he wanted to tell his parents, but was never able to. Joseph was fortunate. He was able to reconcile and complete those relationships while everyone was still living. Many of us, do not have that opportunity, and we’ll talk more about that next week.

Most importantly, Joseph was able to find meaning in his loss. Last week we discussed the “Why” questions. You better believe Joseph had Why questions. Throughout the narrative, we see God’s hand and God’s presence with Joseph, although it probably did not feel like that to him at the time. Joseph was in exile. After Joseph went through the grief journey, he was able to understand a reason why it happened. He was able to discover meaning in his suffering. That didn’t happen when he was being sold in Egypt. That didn’t happen when he was thrown into prison. Once he could stand back and observe, then he saw God’s hand working in his life the entire time. Joseph tells his brothers, “God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant on earth, and to keep alive for you many survivors. 8 So it was not you who sent me here, but God.” Joseph came to discover a purpose behind his loss. If he had not endured this great loss, if had not endured this grief journey, he would not have become the person standing before them that day. More than just discovering personal meaning in his tragedy, Joseph sees God’s providential hand working in his life. Because not only would he have not become second in command in Egypt, his entire family would have died.

Joseph’s story begins and ends with loss. At the beginning he looses his father, when he is sold into slavery. At the end, he reunites with Jacob, but Jacob passes away after relocating to Egypt. Jacob’s final act was to bless his sons, and then he passed away. The Bible says, “Then Joseph threw himself on his father’s face and wept over him and kissed him.” Joseph petitioned Pharoah to allow him to bury Jacob in Canaan. The Canaanites took notice of the burial because Joseph led this massive funeral procession, and they mourned for seven days. After the funeral, Joseph’s brothers became afraid that he would seek out retribution since Jacob was dead. They came to Joseph and they pleaded that he show them mercy. We read, “Joseph wept when they spoke to him. 18 Then his brothers also wept, fell down before him, and said, “We are here as your slaves.” 19 But Joseph said to them, “Do not be afraid! Am I in the place of God? 20 Even though you intended to do harm to me, God intended it for good, in order to preserve a numerous people, as he is doing today. 21 So have no fear; I myself will provide for you and your little ones.” In this way he reassured them, speaking kindly to them.”

Loss changes you. We see this profoundly illustrated in Joseph’s life. Joseph at the beginning of the story is not the Joseph at the end of the story. Joseph is arrogant at the beginning of the story. He runs around telling his brothers that he is going to be Lord over them. Joseph at the end of the story, actually has that power and authority, but instead of unleashing retribution, he weeps when he sees his brothers. Loss can change us for the better or for the worse. That outcome is dependent on us. It would have been so easy for Joseph to become bitter. It would have been so easy for Joseph to have let his grief consume him. From the very beginning of the story, Joseph oriented himself towards recovery. We see how God enabled Joseph to process his grief in a healthy way, such that he became a source of grace and forgiveness.

CONCLUSION

Joseph is a powerful example of someone who endured significant loss, and overcame his grief. I want to emphasize this point: Joseph shows us that recovery from grief does not mean those feelings never make a resurgence. Recovery from grief means enduring loss and being able to move forward with our lives in a healthy and meaningful way. It does not mean we won’t ever grieve a particular loss again. There is no finish line when it comes to grief. Naturally, Joseph experienced grief when he saw his brothers again. If you run into your ex-wife or ex-husband that you haven’t seen in two or three decades, it doesn’t matter that your relationship ended 30 years ago, it’s likely going to conjure up some memories, maybe even very painful memories, and you'll experience those feelings of grief. On the anniversary of a parent or spouses death, you’re going to feel those feelings of grief make a resurgence. Joseph weeps nine times in this narrative. Nine times! Each time he interacted with this brothers, and later when he reunites with Jacob, he weeps. Each encounter was a reminder of what he lost. Because he had worked through his grief, those upsurges of grief did not derail his progress. Because he adjusted to a new world without his family, he found meaning in God’s providential plan for his life. If God was with Joseph in everything he endured, and helped him to recover from his grief, I believe he will be there to help you too. Amen.