Friendship FAQ's

Some FAQ’s on Friendship:

Please turn to the book of Romans chapter 12.

A couple of passages by the Apostle Paul on love and community life.

we are in our last sermon on this short series on Friendship.

so far we have learned that....

Friendship is absolutely important—

We were designed for friendship in the Garden—it is not good that man is alone—God made Eve for Adam.

We have learned about some of the ingredients for friendship like constancy, transparency, and sympathy (a common passion)

and I want to address some FAQ’s you or others may have. I won’t get to all of them...or statements we may make about friendship that need addressed.

I won’t be able to address all...

let’s start with Romans 12.

Romans 12:1–21 NIV

1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. 3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. 4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; 8 if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

and then look at these descriptions about love, community, and relationships...

Romans 12:1–21 NIV

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (we often do the opposite) 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

so I want that passage to percolate in the back of your mind as we address some FAQ’s or even statements I hear

so what are some faq’s or even frequent statements I hear about friendship.

that we can think about and try to answer...

“Friendships are complicated.” “I have been hurt...it’s messy, broken.” What do I do? maybe it’s with current relationships.… maybe it makes you hesitant to become friends with others?

isn’t it so true that friendships are complicated? people let you down; they don’t meet your expectations. you can grown distant.

and if you are honest, you and I—we let them down, too.

I have noticed this complication factor seems to grow more difficult the older you get.

when you are younger—a kid, you might be on the playground, and you can simply “hey, will you be my friend.” “Sure!” or “You like kickball, I like kickball. Let’s be friends together.” (You like the color purple—me, too)

but as you get older, it gets more challenging.

for example, how you spend your money as adults, can kind of separate friends, because you can’t help but notice what your peers spend their money on. “They spent their money on that? Oh my goodness...I wouldn’t do that.” How you spend your money can sometimes—at least in the back of minds—affect our friendship.

another area is parenting and styles of parenting. “Oh you let your kids do that...I can’t believe that.” “You discipline in that way...” or you send your kids to public school, or private school, or homeschool.

these are some of the complicating factors...

and then just being human beings—we hurt each other.

Thankfully, Romans 12 instructs us.

Look at Romans 12:3

Romans 12:3 NIV

3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

don’t think too much of yourselves. b/c we all need God’s grace. All of us stand guilty before an amazing holy God.

If you are always having friendship problems—it’s possible the problem may be your friends, but I think God’s Word would say before you blame your friends, look at your own heart.

James 4:1 NIV

1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?

same thing!

Romans 12 also uses the image of the body—no matter how much you have been hurt—and let’s face it, we hurt each other—we need the body—in Christ we are one—and we need the diversity of gifts to help us grow.

Romans 12 also challenges us not to take revenge...and it doesn’t have to be an in your face kind of revenge—but sometimes our revenge is just withdrawing, it’s passive, it’s the silent treatment.

How might God call you today to start to address some of these deep friendship wounds and hurt? maybe it’s crying out to God? maybe it’s taking that first step of forgiveness because God has forgiven you so much through Christ.

“I am not from here.” What do I do if I am not from here? It can be hard to make friends here if I am from out of town or didn’t grow up here. What do I do? (great question—I am glad you asked) (Lloyd Sarasin one of our elders is passionate about it)

I have heard from a handful of you this statement or question or even lament. First think about it in terms of our community....It feels like if you are not from this area or didn’t grow up here or go to school here, you are an outsider. It feels like you can only get so close but not closer. You never get to be part of the real inner circle.

I have noticed this some...I grew up here. Moved away when I went to college and really didn’t live here and become part of the community. and sometimes I would find out about stuff going in the community—and my wife and I would be like—how did people know to register for that or just know it was going? It took sometime to get used to what was going on.

and this also happens not just in our community but in out church. What can happen is if you moved into our area, you may go to a Sunday School class, or a Bible study or a small group, and you experience several people grew up together or have been at this church for 10, 20, 30 years. and when they start talking about shared experiences “remember when...” it’s hard to break into that.

so what do you do if that’s you?

I would say “first of all, I think that dynamic is not unique to our church or town. It’s probably more prevalent in small towns like ours...but I think others wrestle with it in other churches and towns.”

I would also say “I don’t think people on the inside are intentionally doing that...that is something you do if you have a long shared history together.”

my challenge would be first of all...

first to those who have been here a long time or a while....my challenge is to be on the lookout...be on the lookout for those who feel like they are on the outside. When you come on a Sunday morning—are you aware of people who may feel like outsiders? do you regularly look out for people who are new? I have said it before but that’s one of my biggest concerns on a Sunday morning—if somebody new comes and nobody notices or talks to them. It takes all of us regulars to make someone feel new. my guess is we think “well somebody will talk to them.” or maybe we feel awkward because we forgot their name. I do that, too! I am supposed to remember people’s names. Be on the lookout when you come for someone new—and if you notice them—go talk to them, show them the coffee area or the children’s area if they have kids. invite them to sit with you in the balcony. after all Romans 12:10 we read earlier says “Honor one another above yourselves....”

second thing would be if you are not from here...I have talked to many—some of you are really good at making friends. I ran into Frank Sallee yesterday. Frank and Anita used to go here and not moved back to Indianapolis. and I had this conversation with him once—and said “Frank how have you gotten so connected though you are not from here.” His response was amazing—he said “they love Berne, and found that if they just keep showing up and plugging in—they have made great friends.” Of course, Frank is one of the most extroverted outgoing will ask a stranger anything! but what would it look like to really press into not just this church...but this community, this county, this area...

“I have a spouse—that’s enough or if I had a spouse—that would be enough.”

it’s true that your spouse should be a close friend, possibly even your best friend.

I also think it’s true that friendship is often the foundation of marriage.

but...I think you need same gender friends...

let me speak from some pastoral counseling experience....one of the topics that usually men will talk with me or one of our pastors about is pornography addiction. It is prevalent. If stats are right, most men unfortunately (and even some women now) will face this because it is so accessible.

If a married men talks to me about it, I almost always say you need to talk to your wife about it.

but for ongoing accountability, I wouldn’t usually recommend your wife hold you accountable; I would recommend you get another guy or 2 to check in, hold you accountable, shake your face mask. if you confess to your wife every time you struggle or stumble in this area, I think that could be harmful to her. yes, you need to be honest and not hide anything, but I think just based on some pastoral experience you need another guy.

“How do I make friends?” I am really bad at this...how do I make friends?

I wonder—our staff wonders—if we focus so much on friendship—if that makes it worse!! If we put all this pressure on finding a friend...kind of like if you are single and want to date—if you put so much pressure on it, it can be difficult to navigate, but when you relax, entrust it to God—sometimes he can make it work out in very surprising ways.

I think as part of this answer—if we ask the question—Remember the ultimate purpose of friendships—is it only to have friends, accumulate friends?

like on social media—I have more friends or followers than you do. You only have 200? lame...

we accumulate friends like trophies… “look who I am friends with…”

or maybe it is our consumeristic culture—I use friendship only for my needs or benefits...

but what if there is a higher purpose to friendship...

John 15:12–13 NIV

12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

what is the purpose of friendship?

one could say “love” you are right...

but it’s more isn’t it?

it’s loving as Jesus loved us.

it’s pointing to the beautiful love of Jesus—how He laid down his life for us.

it’s showing that love so others can experience God’s love through friendship—so that ultimately—we can glorify God—and know Him.

Next Steps for Friendship:

Include these 4 walls BUT think beyond them.

gathering together regularly helps....one of the most quoted passages that shows this is:

Hebrews 10:23–25 NIV

23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

gathering regularly as a church family helps us worship God—to keep Him central, to help others grow with God and spur each other on. This is done in multiple formats...

from worship services

Sunday School classes

Bible studies

Your Story Matters

Ripples

Brianna’s Hope - addiction recovery

events...

small groups...

we need those...so one of the easiest ways—to increase at least your friendship radar is to keep showing up. not giving up meeting together. if you are having a hard time making friends here it’s worth asking—how often do I participate...and not just participate...but get involved.

sometimes when I hear that, I try to lovingly ask—how often are you here? If you are here pretty consistently then I do sympathize with that, but if you are only here once a month, no wonder it’s hard to get to know people.

so be consistent...

Serve

get involved in a ministry

start a small group or Bible study...

Talk to Baer—our Connections Pastor—what that could look like.

but at the same time—while we get connected....

Merely being a part of a worship service, or a Sunday School class, or a Bible study does not always lead to deep friendship. it’s hard to program friendships.

It’s a start and it builds friendliness and some friends....but it will take meeting together, getting together, outside of these 4 walls....

for hobbies - sym -pathos

for meals...

for hospitality...

one of the things my wife and I get convicted on is how often do we have friends over...now, of course, we are super busy with our kids stages of life and activities—but do we have people over into our own house...do we do what Romans 12:13 says

Romans 12:13 NIV

13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

when is the last time you invited someone over for a meal, or keep it simple—coffee, tea, Diet Mountain Dew if that’s your jam—Mike Wilson.

when is the last time?

what keeps us from practicing the art of hospitality...of creating a space or environment for people to feel included and connected?

what would that look like if at least once a month on a Sunday—at least one person said, even last minute—hey, do you have any lunch plans? come on over?

Romans 12:13 NIV

13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Practice patience. Oh that’s hard.

a study was done by Professor Jeffrey Hall out of the University of Kansas. He explored the estimated time it takes to develop friendships at different levels.

Hall surveyed 112 college students every three weeks during their first nine weeks at a Midwestern university. He also gave a one-time questionnaire to 355 American adults who had moved to a new city in the past six months. In these surveys, the newcomers picked a friend or two and reported how much time they spend together, what activities they do, and how close the friendship is (how emotionally close and committed they feel, and how much they admire their friend’s unique traits).

Unsurprisingly, the more time two people spent together, the closer their relationship. Through his analysis, Hall was able to approximate how many hours it took for different levels of friendship to emerge:

It takes students 43 hours and adults 94 hours to turn acquaintances into casual friends.

Students need 57 hours to transition from casual friends to friends. Adults need, on average, 164 hours.

For students, friends became good or best friends after about 119 hours. Adults need an additional 100 hours to make that happen.

Why does it take adults so much more time to make friends than students? Hall speculates that there might be something about student life that facilitates friendship—perhaps the close quarters of college living fosters fast connections. It could also be that college students overestimate how deep their friendships are.

But time on its own does not breed intimacy. It depends how we spend that time, as Hall found when he analyzed what activities friends did together.”

he also said these hours are need to be meaningful together—just being in the same place like work doesn’t count—but you need meaningful interaction, hanging out, doing tings together, conversations.

i have found as I get older this is hard.

when I was in high school, it was pretty easy. We spent lots of time together on sports teams, marching band, musicals, youth group, campus life—lots of time together.

living in a men’s college dorm was even more intense. We shared the same living space, ate together, even shared the same communal bathroom—that’s intense community. We made friends quickly.

after my wife and I got married, we went to graduate school - seminary — it took a little longer—because we were busy but we got to know other couples pretty much like us, same stage of life, all in it together...

and now—our schedule is dominated by our kids activities schedule—it’s challenging...

but we need to be intentional and patient...it’s going to take time.

3. Look beyond labels—unexpected friendships.

we make a lot of assumptions about people. I would never be their friend because they are....

—a different stage of life - they are older or younger

—they have kids and we don’t

—they vote one way and we another

—and while it’s true that friendships have some type of common bond—a sympathy—a sym = same pathos - passion...don’t be surprised if God opens up unexpected friends.

Phil Provost example?

I also think related to this—if you are a believer, pursue some non-believing friends. that could be a whole another sermon—

4. Most of all ask this—-How can I be a healthy friend? How can I be a good friend?

by looking to the ultimate friend—Jesus.

I think the more you look to Jesus, the more you develop your relationship with Jesus and grow closer to Him, he will shape you into the friend He is calling you to be.

communion...

open to anyone who is a believer in Jesus...

don’t have to be a regular attender or member…

John 15:12–13 NIV

12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

this is based on Jesus—the perfect friend.

We read Romans 12:1

Romans 12:1 NIV

1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.

Jesus offered himself as a perfect sacrifice to God for our sins in our place.

and we in response, give up our lives to Jesus who helps shape us to be the perfect friend.

1 Corinthians 11:23–26 NIV

23 For I received from the Lord what I also passed on to you: The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, 24 and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.” 25 In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.” 26 For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes.

Take some time to reflect on your friendships...

reflect on Jesus the perfect friend...

a closing resource: No Greater Love by Rebecca McGlaughlin