Grief Sermon

Main Idea: We can walk through a journey of grief that holds on tight to the reality of the pain and suffering while holding on even tighter to the truth of God’s love and character

How do we walk through grief. Psalm 13 gives us a road map for 3 things to do:

Question God God (verses 1-2)

Plead for God’s Presence (verses 3-4)

Trust in God’s Faithfulness (verses 5-6)

A 2019 study conducted by Amerispeak revealed that 57% of Americans had lost someone close to them in the last 3 years. Based on this data, not even taking into account that this study was done was before a worldwide pandemic hit the following year, we can estimate that at least 1 out of every 2 people has still faced the recent loss of someone close to them. That means that between you and the person sitting next to you, statistically one of you has experienced a big loss. Loss of a loved one is real grief, but it’s not the only kind of grief. You see if we did a different survey, where we just asked, have you experienced some form of grief in the last 3 years, I would wager that percentage would be higher. There is grief in losing a person, not to death, but to a divorce. To distance. To change in their personality. Realizing that the plans that you had for yourself or someone that you care for can no longer be reached. There are endless kinds of grief, and throughout our lives, none of us will escape it completely. Eventually, no matter how good of a Christian you are or how much your family loves one another or how you always make the right decisions, grief will come.

In our American culture, we like to pretend like grief isn’t real. We like to shove the hurt and the sadness and brokenness deep, deep down, until we try to convince even ourselves that we are fine. We ignore it. But grief doesn’t let us get away with that, sooner or later, you will be faced with the reality of your grief and most of the time we don’t know what to do with it because our culture hasn’t created space for lament. This morning we are going be walking through a psalm of lament and learning what a biblical practice of grief can look like. Where we believe in the real hurt that is a part of grief while simultaneously believing in the real character of the God of the universe. But how do we do that? How do we walk through this journey of grief that holds on tight to the reality of the pain and suffering while holding on even tighter to the truth of God’s love and character? Psalm 13 gives us 3 things to consider on how to journey through grief.

The first part is allowing yourself to question God. The first two verses of this psalm give us an example of what this can look like. David said, “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? 2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” This practice of questioning God was incredibly common in ancient Israel. If you read the Bible, you will see examples scattered throughout of people asking God really hard questions. In Genesis 15, Abram questions God saying, “Sovereign Lord, what can you give me since I remain childless?” Jesus even questioned God from the cross, quoting Psalm 22, saying “My God, my God why have you forsaken me?”

But none of these questions, whether Abram’s, Jesus’, or David’s from this psalm, are questions that are seeking information from God. In Psalm 13 when David says, “How long Lord? Will you forget me forever?”, he is not asking for a detailed timeline on when God is going to remember him. He is asking this question because he feels abandoned by God. He feels like this hurt and this suffering that he is walking through far surpasses anything that he deserved, so he is honest with God. He wants to know about God’s character and God’s activity in his life. The Hebrew word for “forget” in this passage, isn’t implying an accidental lapse of memory, but an intentional ignoring or withholding help or comfort. David knows that God sees him, and, yet no part of his suffering has stopped. David is so consumed with both internal and external threats, from his own thoughts that plague him to the enemies that are coming after him, that he can’t take it anymore. He doesn’t sugarcoat it or paint a prettier picture than reality. David is grieving, and he is honest with God about exactly how he is feeling. He is not afraid to ask questions of God – even the ones that are really big.

C.S. Lewis was a writer, scholar, and theologian who was well-known for walking away from his Christian faith as a teenager only to come back to it after multiple conversations with Christian friends when he was 31. He wrote books defending the Christian faith that are still well-loved and quoted decades later. Joy Davidman was an atheist who felt God’s overwhelming presence one night that she could not explain. She began to search for more meaning and more understanding. She first explored Judaism, but did not feel like that was what God was leading her toward. She then began to read 3 of C.S. Lewis’ early books that prompted her to read her Bible. Through her study, this atheist became a Christian, convinced that she finally knew who God was. She wrote to Lewis, to ask questions, and their letter exchange became a friendship. When she moved to England, their pen pal friendship became a real-life one, then love, and eventually, marriage, in 1956. In 1957, Joy became sick with cancer that went away, but reappeared again 3 years later in 1960, when she died after only a few months of fighting the disease.

To process the grief, Lewis wrote 4 journals full of his thoughts, emotions, and questions. These journals were published the following under a pseudonym with the title: A Grief Observed. It wasn’t until after Lewis’ death that these reflections began being attributed to his name. In his reflections, Lewis asked plenty of questions of God. In Chapter One Lewis asked, “Where is God?...Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?” In Chapter 2, he said: “Sooner or later I must face the question in plain language. What reason have we, except our own desperate wishes, to believe that God is, by any standard we can conceive, ‘good’?” Lewis, this big name, atheist turned Christian, modern defender of our faith knew that when we did not understand the grief that was overwhelming him, he could turn to God with questions. He didn’t have to turn to God with everything figured out, all tied up in a pretty bow. He turned to God with the real worries, fears, and pain. Lewis questioned God.

I would be willing to wager that many of us in this room have walked through some hard grief in our lives. We know the deep pain and suffering and hurt that leaves us with really big questions that sometimes we are too afraid to speak. We don’t have any reason to be afraid of being honest with God. Sometimes, we are afraid that if we are truly honest with what we are feeling it shows a lack of faith in God. We know that He’s God and can handle any of our big emotions, but for some reason it feels wrong to question him. Yet our text this morning, gives us a clear, biblical example that it’s okay to question God in your grief. Because David questioning God in Psalm 13, asking “how long will this go on?” isn’t a sign of a lack of faith. It is the sign of a very present, very real faith. They are questions that say “God I believe you are real and in control of everything that happens on the earth. And I know that you could snap your fingers and make this pain this hurt this suffering stop in an instant. It hurts me that you aren’t doing that. It hurts me that for some reason I am suffering on your watch because I know that you are Sovereign God.” Questioning God reveals our faith.

So how do we walk through this journey of grief, first we are honest with God, not afraid to question Him. But the second thing that Psalm 13 reveals is the need to be pleading for God’s presence.

David speaks again in verses 3 and 4, saying: “Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’ and my foes will rejoice when I fall.” David goes straight from questioning God to telling Him what he needs: God I need you to see me and answer my prayer. I need to know you are real and present in my life. This prayer practice that David models in this Psalm is called lament. Over a third of the psalms are characterized by lament. Pastor and author, Mark Vroegop describes lament in this way: “Lament is a Prayer in pain that leads to trust. It’s a biblical language for processing the pains of life as we cling to what we believe. Lament refuses to give God the silent treatment. Instead, this historic prayer language transforms pain into a platform of worship.” God’s desire for your life is for you to come to know Him and be in relationship with Him. Part of what that looks like is through prayer and petition.

There is nothing wrong with questioning God, but we cannot live there forever. Part of the biblical practice of lament is taking these questions and turning them into our prayers. David asked in the first 2 verses – “how long will you forget me, Lord?” and that turned into his prayer saying “Look on me and answer,” or in other words – God I need you to see me, I need you to remember me and acknowledge that I am here and I am hurting. In his prayer, David tells God that if God does not intervene soon, he only is expecting “decline, defeat, and death.” I’m no marriage counselor, but I do find it interesting that it’s often referred to as a bad sign when couples never have a single fight before getting married. Why? Because the assumption is that these couples haven’t talked either been fully honest with one another about what they truly think or they haven’t actually discussed things of substance. Again, I’m no marriage expert, I can’t say whether or not that is any kind of statistic, but I do find the thought interesting. If we are talking about a relationship with God, you would think confrontation would be a necessary part of that too – wouldn’t you? After questioning God, you can come to him with your real, honest needs because you have a real relationship with Him. He’s not some far off overlord plotting your ruin, but He is a personal God who wants to know the deepest and most secretive thoughts in your mind and heart. He wants to hear what you really need. And sometimes it’s hard to know what we need, we can’t really figure that out for ourselves, but we will always need God’s presence. That’s what David is praying for in these verses – for God to show up.

         In the Old Testament, we learn about a person named Job, whom a whole book of the Bible is named after. When we first meet Job, we learn that he is wealthy, has everything that he could ever want, but is also incredibly faithful to God. So Satan tells God that he is going to take everything away from Job to see if he really trusts in God. He believes that the only reason Job is faithful is because he has everything he could ever ask for in life. God said that Satan cannot take Job’s life. Next thing you know, Job’s livestock, servants, and children all died. In an instant, everything of earthly value in his life disappeared. On another day, sores break out all over Job’s skin. His friends come and sit with him, and at first, just say nothing. They sat with him for 7 days while he wept. But then they began to speak and offered not so helpful advice.

Most of the book of Job consists of his conversations with these friends going back and forth on why God would allow something like this to happen to someone like Job. In the middle of these conversations with his friends, we also see Job’s conversations with God. In some of those conversations, he questions God. In chapter 3, he asks why he didn’t die instantly at birth, imagining that would be a far less painful life than he has now. But the book is not just a book of questions. Job is communicating what he needs with those who will listen. In chapter 13, he tells God that he needs to stop being frightened by terrors. In chapter 16, Job says that he is pleading with God. Throughout the whole entire book, Job has no clue why his life has turned out this way. He doesn’t understand the hurt or the suffering, but through all of it, he continues to talk with God. He doesn’t shy away or hide because life has become miserable – he tells God what he needs, and pleads for his intervention. Pleading for God to be present and work.

Today, God speaks to us through his Holy Spirit who He has graciously given us to remind us of everything that Jesus taught. We have access to the living, true presence of God whenever we want. There is no barrier to the presence of God. Through Christ, we have been given access to God. His presence is real, but sometimes, just like David or Job, we may not feel it. Intellectually, we know God is real and God is there, but we feel like God is ignoring us. But we cannot let those feelings that come in times of grief or despair turn us away from seeking Him. When we are walking through grief, questioning God, the only thing to do next is plead for his presence. We need to tell him what we need, keeping the communication open. Because, even when it feels like God has abandoned you, I can assure you he has not. Painful realities in life do not deny the existence, power, or concern of God. There are going to be things on this side of heaven that we will never understand. God has a birds eye view on the existence of the entire universe and the story of all humanity. God knows and understands more than we could ever fathom or comprehend. God has not abandoned us, even when we can’t understand. So we cannot abandon God either. When walking through grief, we must allow ourselves the space to ask the big questions and plead for God’s presence.

         To finish Psalm 13, David declares in verses 5 and 6: “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.” This almost feels disjointed coming after the first 4 verses. Remember? David questions that God has forgotten him and tells him in desperation that he needs an answer to his prayers or surely his enemies will overtake him. “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.” The third lesson that Psalm 13 teaches us about navigating grief is that through it all, we can trust in God’s faithfulness.

         Lament, as we’ve talked about it this morning, was a common practice for the followers of God that we have not connected with today in our modern culture to the same extenet. So these verses don’t feel like they belong to our eyes. Yet during laments at the time this psalm was written, it was incredibly common for them to end in praise. The Hebrew word for unfailing love in these verses is hesed. It’s a word that means enduring faithfulness and loyalty. It represents commitment and covenant. Using it at the end of this lament, David is making a statement about who he knows God to be. Based on his previous interactions and experiences and knowledge of God, he knows and trusts in God’s unfailing love. His circumstances haven’t improved one bit since he was last pleading to God. But he still knows who God is in the midst of his suffering.

         David knows that this is YHWH – the God who has chosen a covenant with Israel, not because of the greatness of Israel but because of his unfailing love for them. Even when Israel has failed, even when David has failed, God has remained faithful. God has always been true to His Word, so at the end of this lament, David rejoices because he knows who God is. He trusts in his unfailing love and his faithfulness. He can rejoice not because of his current circumstances but because he knows God will hear his cry, remember him, and respond in love. The only way that David was able to lament – to question God and tell him exactly what he needed – was because he already was so confident in who God is. Trusting is not an accident, it is a deliberate act. Trust is built by actions of the past, and David through his lament trusts in who God is. He didn’t know how things were going to work out or exactly what God was going to do, but he did know that God would not remain absent forever.

         On January 1, 2023, I took a pregnancy test before church. I’ll always remember it because it was the very first day of the year. And a few minutes later, I saw a second line appear. I really was pregnant. We had not been trying for very long – I didn’t even tell Scott that I took the test, I kept it secret until after we had gotten home that afternoon because I wanted to be able to tell him in a fun and special way. And we were so excited. Over the next month, we began to tell close friends and family our news. I found cute Pinterest crafts to announce to our loved because that’s just what you do with your first baby – you go a little overboard. And we waited the 4 weeks until my doctor would see me to confirm the pregnancy. Those felt like the longest 4 weeks of my life.

         When I went in for the appointment, I had no idea what to expect – first time doing all of this, I’m new. But when my doctor looked at the ultrasound, she told us that our baby didn’t seem to be 8 weeks along. Instead baby looked about 6 weeks. She told me that I probably just had my timing off, I calculated the math wrong, and she asked me to come back in 2 weeks, so we can do a proper 8 week scan. And while I really wanted to believe her, while I really wanted to believe that there was a chance that everything was okay, I knew that it wasn’t. When we went back 2 weeks later, on Valentine’s Day no less, my worries were confirmed. My baby was now measuring at 5 weeks. A miscarriage was coming, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. By the end of that week, I had lost my first child.

         I had already walked through grief before in my life – I was no stranger to it. But this grief was different. This grief took every single part of me, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual, every part was shaken to its core. I asked God so many questions. Why would He let this happen? Did He not love us, did He not want us to be parents? How am I supposed to keep going on with normal life when nothing about my life feels like it will ever be normal again? One of the biggest blessings on serving on a church staff, is that even when you go through seasons of being angry with God, questioning him and not understanding him in grief, you still show up at church on a regular basis. I couldn’t escape being around God’s people who continued to point me to Him, even when they didn’t realize what they were doing. But I was still grieving. I remember crying on Easter Sunday the next month because the miscarriage was still having physical effects on my body – I had tangible reminders of my grief everywhere that I went. I did not feel like God was near – I did not feel his presence. I felt abandoned by God.

         But throughout my life God has been incredibly faithful. And God’s intervention in this part of my story is no different. We don’t always get the answers to why grief happens on this side of heaven, but God has graciously given me my daughter now, Eleanor Grace, who is one of the answers, I firmly believe that. Her name means God is my light, which was intentionally chosen because of the season of darkness our family felt like it was in before we knew about her existence. But God knew. If I had not walked through the grief and the hurt at the beginning of 2023, I would never have known the gift that is my daughter at the beginning of 2024. In the middle of my grief, God had never left me or abandoned me. I just couldn’t see his plan.

         And I know that I am not the only one who has ever walked through this kind of grief before. The kind that shakes you to your core and breaks you from the inside out to where you have nothing left but to say, God, I know you’re real, but I don’t see you, I don’t feel you, and I don’t understand you right now. I know there are probably people in this room right now or joining us online that are walking through a season of grief like this right now. You want to know where God is in all of the pain and all of the mess. This morning, let Psalm 13 serve as a guide to your grief. There is room to acknowledge your hurt on the most honest of levels, you don’t need to hide any of that from God. There is room to tell God exactly what you need, don’t shut yourself off from him. God’s character always has and always will be one of unfailing love. How do we walk through this journey of grief that holds on tight to the reality of the pain and suffering while holding on even tighter to the truth of God’s love and character? How do we journey through this grief? Question God. Plead for His Presence. And Trust in His Faithfulness.

Let’s pray together.