Conflict Resolution
Marriage Matters • Sermon • Submitted • Presented
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No relationship DRIFTS into health.
● CONFLICT is true of EVERY relationship.
o THEORY (lie): “if we fight, you are probably in a bad place.”
Conflict in marriage is inevitable. Learn to embrace it instead of running from it.
● Ever meet that couple who says they never fight?
The cost of admission to grow your relationships is tension.
Growth and pain are intimately connected
Astronauts- atrophy without gravity
improving strength involves stressing your muscles to be able to sustain more
stretching a balloon before filling it up
stretching a balloon before filling it up
makes the initial inflation easier and helps prevent it from popping.
Stretching the balloon helps to loosen the material
and make it more pliable,
reducing the force needed to inflate it.
It also helps to prevent the balloon from being damaged during inflation
What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members?
You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask.
You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.
For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am NOT practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.
For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.
Jesus will come in your life and CONTRONT your FLESH
● Spiritual shift when you move from FIGHTING WITH to FIGHTING FOR
The #1 thing that couples fight about is “nothing.”
-John Gottman
Do Chickens have Ears? 2018
Jeslyn: This is purely contextual. I was referencing an external ear that is visible, a chicken does not have one. A human does, a horse does, a dog does too... not a chicken. They have a hole in their head with an ear drum. But not an actual ear. (ear emoji) see.... that’s an ear. PLEASE consider voting NO for this question. Thank you for your time!!
o Fighting w/o plan leads to… FEAR fighting.
EAP- Lifeguard Emergency Action Plan
scenarios
Conflict won't ruin your relationships.
NOT knowing how to work through conflict will.
Multitool
TEN STEPS FOR RESOLVING CONFLICT
All couples have differences and disagreements.
Studies show the amount of disagreements are not related to marital happiness
as much as how they are handled.
Happy couples do not avoid disagreements;
they resolve them while remaining respectful of each other,
thereby strengthening their relationship.
This Ten Step Model is a simple, but effective way to resolve conflict
while avoiding the common and destructive patterns.
Use this model with an ongoing issue in your relationship,
as well as future issues.
1. Set a time and place for discussion.
2. Define the problem.
Be specific.
3. List the ways you each contribute to the problem.
4. List past attempts to resolve the issue that were not successful.
5. Brainstorm 10 possible solutions to the problem.
Do not judge or criticize any of the suggestions at this point.
6. Discuss and evaluate each of these possible solutions.
Be as objective as possible.
Talk about how useful and appropriate each suggestion feels for resolving your issue.
7. Agree on one solution to try:
8. Agree how you will each work toward this solution.
Be as specific as possible.
9. Set up another meeting to discuss your progress.
10. Reward each other for progress.
If you notice your partner making a positive contribution toward the solution,
praise his/her effort.
Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.
Remember, conflict is unavoidable. But we should not stay ignorant in how to resolve it.
For by wise guidance you will wage war, And in abundance of counselors there is victory.
We fight until we get our head around what is actually happening WITHIN us.
If you know the enemy and know yourself,
you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.
If you know yourself but not the enemy,
for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat.
If you know neither the enemy nor yourself,
you will succumb in every battle.
-Sun Tzu “Art of War”
● PROBlem: When we pray about conflict, we pray about God FIXING OTHERS instead of humbling ourselves
● W/O that healing, we DEFAULT to FIGHTING WITH rather than fighting FOR
Drive to cool off (Burger King oreo shake)
HOW TO TAKE A TIME-OUT
HOW TO TAKE A TIME-OUT
Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,
1. Recognize your need for a time-out.
2. Request the time-out.
3. Relax and calm down.
4. Remember what’s important.
5. Resume the conversation.
Some conflicts become heated as levels of anger and frustration rise.
Rather than speaking assertively,
partners begin to accuse,
criticize,
or yell.
Rather than listening actively,
partners interrupt,
belittle,
and ignore.
Physiologically, the “fight or flight” response is triggered
as each person goes into a protection mode
with little or no regard for their partner.
In this state of escalation, it is not uncommon to say or do things we later regret.
Moreover, it is nearly impossible to have a productive conversation
leading to a mutually agreed upon resolution.
This is when a “time-out” can be beneficial.
A time-out provides couples with an opportunity to
cool down,
identify their feelings and needs,
and begin to think productively again about how to approach the issues they face.
1. Recognize your need for a time-out.
Are your fists clenched?
Is your face red?
Are you breathing fast?
Are the tears streaming down your face?
Do you feel like screaming or throwing something?
Are you afraid of your partner’s intensity?
Do you feel emotionally closed off?
Learn to recognize the signs that things have become too intense for you to have a productive interaction with your partner.
• What physical and emotional reactions indicate you need a time-out?
2. Request the time-out.
Call a time-out for yourself by saying something like
“I’m just too angry to talk right now; I need to take a time-out.
Please give me an hour to calm down and gather my thoughts.”
• Remember to call the time-out for yourself.
It is seldom helpful to tell the other person
“You need a time-out!”
• Suggest a time when you think you’ll be ready to resume.
3. Relax and calm down.
Take some deep breaths.
Go for a jog or a walk.
Take a bath.
Write in your journal
. Read,
pray,
or watch television for a while.
Do something that will help you relax and recover from the emotional intensity.
• What method(s) could you use to calm down?
4. Remember what’s important.
• Try to identify what you were thinking and feeling that became so difficult to discuss.
• Think about “I” messages you could use to tell your partner what you were thinking or feeling,
and what you need from him/her.
• Try to spend some quiet time considering your partner’s point of view and what they are feeling.
• Remember the two of you are a team,
and the only way your relationship will “win”
is if you work toward a solution that both individuals can feel good about.
5. Resume the conversation.
Bring in the skills of Assertiveness and Active Listening and/or the Ten Steps for Conflict Resolution.
These structured skills can help contain the intensity as you attempt to resolve a conflict.
Honor your commitment to return to the issue when you are ready to have a more productive conversation.
The end of a matter is better than its beginning; Patience of spirit is better than haughtiness of spirit.
Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, For anger resides in the bosom of fools.
and I want to give you an incredibly SIMPLE FRAMEWORK for conflict… WE WIN
TWO QUESTIONS
1. What do WE want?
2. What are WE willing to do?
It’s 2 simple questions:
● 1 – What do WE want?
o This is a shared value
o It’s what you both agree upon
● “This is what we want for our relationship.”
o We want to be about ___________
● What is the shared value that you both agree on?
● 2 – What are WE willing to do?
● This is not a shared value but a SHARED COMMITMENT
o That means the burden of our relationship doesn’t rest all on one person
o We both are going to show up and be willing to do what it takes to fight FOR instead of fighting WITH
o We want intimacy.
Greater connection.
Consult each other on large purchases
We want time for which nothing is planned,
and we can have a nice boring evening.
One who forgives an affront fosters friendship, but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend.
What are you willing to fight for?
o We fight FOR date nights
o We fight FOR boring evenings
o We fight FOR adventure together
o We fight FOR physical intimacy
o We fight FOR spiritual depth
o We fight FOR time with our children
financial stability
● PURSUING each other and NAME what our desires are so that we can go after them.
● Let’s fight FOR something instead of fighting WITH somebody.
bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.
● GET THIS:
No relationship DRIFTS into health.
● Because this is what happens:
GOD FIGHTS FOR US
Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion,
make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;
do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus,
who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped,
but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.
Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name,
so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling;
for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
Do all things without grumbling or disputing;
so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world,
● CLOSE:
If there’s something in your relationship,
you need a fight for,
I’m gonna ask you to stand
