How to be free from bitterness, by Jim Wilson

How to be free from bitterness

Ephesians 4:31–5:2 GW

Get rid of your bitterness, hot tempers, anger, loud quarreling, cursing, and hatred. Be kind to each other, sympathetic, forgiving each other as God has forgiven you through Christ.  Imitate God, since you are the children he loves. Live in love as Christ also loved us. He gave his life for us as an offering and sacrifice, a soothing aroma to God. 

We are instructed here to get rid off all bitterness. We must remember that the basis for any command like this is through the work of Christ. if we are in Christ, we must imitate God.

In the Old Testament, there was a woman whose name meant Sweet. Her name was Naomi, and she had moved from Israel to another land with her husband and sons.

But her husband had died, and within the next ten years both of her sons died. She made some comments to her recently widowed daughters-in-law about it.

Ruth 1:13b: “It is more bitter for me than for you, because the LORD'S hand has gone out against me!” She was comparing in order to determine who had the right to be more bitter.

And in Ruth 1:20-21: "Don't call me Naomi," she told them. "Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me."

Her bitterness was toward God. It was God who had taken away her husband; it was God who had taken away her sons, and she held it against Him.

Five times in these three verses she held God accountable for her bitterness. There are many people like this today. Not only are they bitter, they enjoy being bitter. They somehow like it, and they feed on it.

They wouldn’t know what to do if they got rid of it; they wouldn’t have a purpose for living. They like being bitter.

We know people like that in the world, and we know people like that in the church. It is easy to recognize when somebody is bitter.

You can see it in the eyes, and in the lines of the face—even if the person is young. You can see it in their mouth, you can see it when they’re smiling or laughing. You can hear it in the tone of their voices.

You can hear it when they protest that they are not bitter. The bitterness is central, and pervades everything.

There are bitter people in the Bible besides Naomi. In fact, there are quite a few. For example, Jonah was a bitter man.

Many of you are familiar with the first part of Jonah’s story, but after preaching to Niniva and God forgiving them, Jonah went out of the city to pout about it and God grew a vine to grow and give him shade, then sent a worm to eat and kill the vine.

The Lord said to him, “Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?” “I do,” he said. “I am angry enough to die” (Jon. 4:9). He thought he had a right to his anger.

I like being angry. God, you are wrong to forgive people. I don’t want you to forgive people.

People enjoy holding things against other people.

But our text requires us to remove all bitterness, and to maintain a tender heart.

Here’s the question: Is it possible to be kind, compassionate, tenderhearted, and yet bitter at the same time?

These are all interior attitudes. Tenderheartedness, by definition, involves a tender heart. Bitterness is also on the inside. But it is not possible to have two different, contradictory attitudes on the inside.

Paul says to get rid of all bitterness, and to be kind and compassionate one to another. Therefore, the bitterness must go.

But before it can be removed, it is necessary to know what it is—and that it is there. It is relatively easy to see when other people are bitter.

But it’s not so easy to see it in ourselves.

It is therefore important to have a good understanding of the Bible’s definition of the problem. Let us suppose that a Christian commits a sin. He tells a lie, for instance. Now when he tells this lie, does he feel guilty, or does he feel bitter?

The answer is guilty. When we sin, we feel guilty. It is straightforward. Now let us suppose that someone told a lie about this same Christian and spread it all over town.

What does he feel now—guilt or bitterness?

Guilt is what we feel when we sin, and bitterness is what we feel when others sin against us. The very definition of bitterness points to the action of another.

If we had committed the offense, we would feel guilty and would know that we had to confess and forsake our sin. We might not confess the sin, but not because we did not know what to do.

But what do we do with the guilt of others? Bitterness is always based upon someone else’s sin—whether real or imagined.

Consider the imaginary sin first. Many times we can be bitter toward someone for what he said, when in reality he did not say it. We heard a false report, and now we are bitter.

We wait for an apology which he cannot offer.

Shall we remain in bitterness the rest of our lives because he never says he is sorry for something he did not do?

Incidentally, many bitter people cannot imagine the possibility that they are bitter over imaginary sins. As far as bitterness is concerned, the other person’s guilt is always real.

For such a person trying to be free from bitterness, it is acceptable for them to assume the real guilt of the other person, so long as they get rid of their own bitterness.

But what about genuine sin? There are many bitter people who really were mistreated by the offender. So how do we deal with a genuine offense?

Bitterness is based on sin that somehow relates to you.

It is not concerned with how big the sin is; it is based upon how close it is.

For instance, if some great and gross immorality occurs in Iran or Isreal, what do we do? We read about it, but we will not feel guilty. We read about it, but we will not feel bitter.

We might be appalled or amazed, but we do not feel guilty, and we do not feel bitter.

Nevertheless, it was an awful sin, and someone actually committed it. So it does not depend on how great the evil is, it depends on how close the other person is to me.

Bitterness is related to those people who are close.

Who are likely candidates? fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, children, boyfriends, girlfriends, roommates, immediate superiors, immediate subordinates, co-workers, business partners, and maybe some other relatives—grandparents, uncles, and others.

There are even many people who are bitter against God.

We do not get bitter towards evil outside of our own immediate contact. Bitterness is based upon the sin of someone else who is close to us, and who did something to us.

It might be minor. It does not have to be great, it just has to be close. Does he pick up his socks? No? Can you get bitter over that? Well, no, but what if he does it 5,000 times?

You may think you have a right to be bitter. But the Bible does not grant anyone the right to be bitter. The text says to get rid of all bitterness.

See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. (Heb. 12:15)

Here it describes bitterness as if it were a root. A root is something that is underground and cannot be seen.

But there can be visible evidence of its presence, as when sidewalks are lifted. Roots do other things. The fact that you cannot see roots does not mean they are not there. Neither does it mean you will never see them.

They drink in nourishment, and they do not stay roots. Eventually they come up.

The fruit that is born bears a direct relation to the root producing it. The roots of an apple tree provide us with apples. If there is a bitter root, it will bear bitter fruit.

That is what this verse is saying. Beware lest any root of bitterness spring up, cause trouble, and defile many people, which means to make many people filthy.

Have you ever seen bitterness go through a workplace? Bitterness can go through a group like a prairie fire.

Why is this? Somebody decided to share. He was bitter, let the root come to the surface and bear fruit. He shared it and many people became bitter. The author of Hebrews warns us about this.

He says beware of missing the grace of God. When you allow it, bitterness comes up and defiles many people. It makes many people filthy.

What happens to a person if he keeps bitterness on the inside for many years? What happens to him physically? Can he get physically sick?

The world has two solutions. Keep the bitterness in and make yourself sick, or let it out and spread the sickness around.

God’s solution is to dig up the root. Get rid of it. But this takes the grace of God.

You must know the Lord Jesus Christ to be able to do this. He is the source of grace.

The world’s solutions for bitterness shouldn’t be used by Christians. When Christians copy the world, they have two poor choices.

The Bible says to get rid of all bitterness. You must not keep it in, and you must not share it.

So, What do we do with it?

Surrender it to the Father, through the Son.

But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such ‘wisdom’ does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. (James 3:14, 15)

Unless there’s a solution to it, people do not get less bitter with maturity. They get more bitter over the years. It gets worse and worse. And if you harbor bitter envy, evil practice will result.

It does not come from heaven. It is straight from the pit and is of the devil.

Every evil practice results from this attitude. As should be obvious, we have a real problem. How do we get rid of bitterness?

Before we can get rid of bitterness, we have to realize that we are bitter. How can we tell if we are bitter?

One good rule of thumb is this: Bitterness remembers details.

You have had thousands of conversations in your life, most of which you have forgotten. But this one took place five years ago, and you remember every single word, his intonation, and the inflection of every part of his voice. You know exactly what happened—which means you are bitter.

Someone might object and say that it is also possible to have a good memory of a wonderful conversation. Is this possible? Yes, but not likely.

Why is this? Because memory is helped by review, review, and more review. People do not usually mull over the wonderful things as much.

But they do go over and over and over the bad things.

If someone has a sharp, detailed memory for things which happened years ago when he was a child or a young man or woman, and that memory is at all accusative of anyone else, then it is an indication of bitterness. And the solution for bitterness is to get rid of it.

What is the problem? Why is it we do not get rid of bitterness? If I tell a lie, I can confess it and be forgiven.

In order to get rid of it I have to bring it back to my own heart. We need to bring the realization of bitterness back to our own hearts.

Instead, the temptation is to look at the offender. Look what he did. That is the nature of bitterness.

In order to get rid of it, I need to recognize it is my problem before I can confess and forsake it.

But you say, “I am not bitter. I just get hurt easily.” But the symptoms of getting hurt are very close to the symptoms of resentment.

Do you know what instant resentment is? You might say. “It is not bitterness—it is just hurt feelings.” But there is a close relationship between being hurt and being resentful.

Someone gets hurt, and he gets resentful. There is another very close connection between resentment and bitterness. Resentment turns into a deep bitterness. Bitterness is just resentment that has been held on to.

It has become rancid and rotten.

It is kept in, and it gets worse. The links in the chain continue. There is a connection between bitterness and hatred, and a very clear biblical identification between hatred and murder.

What I am saying is that hurt can lead to murder.

Some might object that this teaching is too strong. But the strength of it is from the Bible.

What we want to do is make it apparent how sinful bitterness is.

The bitter person must first recognize that he is bitter, and secondly, that it is a gross evil. Again, the reason people do not deal with this sin is that they think it is the other person’s sin.

The devil says, “Well, when he quits lying, or he quits doing this or that, or when he says he’s sorry, then you will feel better.”

But suppose he does not quit? Suppose he never quits? Are you going to be bitter the rest of your life because someone else insists on being in sin? That does not make any sense at all.

You may say, “I will forgive him when he says he is sorry, but not until then. I have a right to my bitterness until then. When he says he is sorry, I will forgive him and everything will be fine.”

You keep this wall of bitterness up, and one day he comes to you and he says, “I’m sorry.”

Can you forgive him now? No, because bitterness doesn’t forgive. In order to forgive this person when he says he is sorry, you have to be ready before he says he is sorry. And if you are ready to forgive him before he says he is sorry, then it doesn’t depend on whether he says he is sorry or not.

In other words, you get rid of bitterness unilaterally. It does not matter what the other person does.

Earlier I made the point that bitterness seems to stem from the other person’s sin—real or imagined. That is only how it appears. In reality bitterness is a sin that stands alone.

The bitter person decides to be bitter independently of the offender. But you say, “No, he sinned against me, and when he says he is sorry everything will be fine.”

But this is not true. I’ve known situations where an apology was offered and the person is still bitter.

Suppose the offender is dead and cannot apologize. I know people who are extremely bitter, and the bitterness is toward their parents who died years ago. But the bitterness has not died.

Bitterness is the sin of the bitter person alone, unrelated to anybody else.

Expressing it did not get rid of it either.

When somebody else says he is sorry, it does not get rid of our bitterness.

The only thing that gets rid of it is confession before God because of the Lord Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection.

This is the only solution.

We must not keep it, and we must not share it with others. There is only one thing to do, and that is to confess it as a great and evil sin.

We must be as persistent in the confession as necessary.

Amy Carmichael has a note in her little book If.

“For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly jolted.”

If it is full of sweet water and is jolted, what will come out of the cup? Sweet water. If you gave it a harder jolt, what’s going to happen? More sweet water. If someone is filled with sweet water and someone else gives him a jolt, what will come out? Sweet water.

Jolts do not turn sweet water into bitter water. That is done by something else. Jolts only bring out of the container what’s already in it.

If you’re filled with sweetness and light, and you get jolted, you’re going to spill sweetness and light. If you’re filled with honey, the honey will come out. If vinegar comes out, what does that prove? It shows what was already in the container.

In other words, much bitterness is not based upon what the other person did at all. It is the result of what we do and are.

That is the nature of bitterness. In order to get rid of it, I have to see that it is evil, and that it is my sin and my sin only. I do not get rid of it through the other person saying he is sorry. I do not get rid of it if the other person quits or dies. I do not get rid of it any other way except calling it sin against the holy God, confessing it, and receiving forgiveness.

The difficulty is in getting my eyes off the other person's sin.

But just the fact that I think it is his problem shows that it is not. If it were his problem, and I was filled with sweetness and light, and not bitter, then I would be concerned about the other person.

I could say, “That poor guy! Look what he did. If I did something like that, I would feel awful. He must really feel awful. I think I will go help him.”

But if that is not my response, then I am bitter, and it is my sin, not his. I believe that this sin is a major hindrance to revival in this country. When Christians start confessing their sins, they will be able to forgive the sins of others.