1 Peter 3:1-7, Gospel Grace Displayed in Marriage

Introduction

Good morning, beloved! It is a privilege for us to once again have this opportunity to open God’s Word together. Please open your Bible with me to 1 Peter 3. We are continuing our verse by verse study of this wonderful letter. This morning we will be looking at 1 Peter 3:1-7. So, with your Bible open there, please follow along as I read the passage for us. Then we will pray and ask the LORD to bless our time together in His Word.

READ 1 PETER 3:1-7

[Matthew 4:4 Responsive Reading - “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”]

PRAY (Help us KNOW, LOVE, and OBEY Your Word, LORD)

Last week we had the incredible joy of considering the person and work of the LORD Jesus Christ as Peter presents Him to us at the end of 1 Peter 2. We were reminded of His blameless character. He was perfect in every way, having never sinned. He never did anything wrong. He never wronged anyone. He is the embodiment of sinless perfection and holiness. Even as He himself was sinned against by those who should have reverenced Him as Lord over all.

He was reviled. He was mocked. He was slandered. He was unjustly tried and put to death. Yet He never retaliated or responded in kind. Instead, He entrusted Himself to Him who judges justly. He fulfilled the law and all of its demands, living the perfectly righteous life that we could not. Then He bore our sins in His body on the cross, bearing the full weight of God’s just wrath that we deserved. He took our place. He became a curse for us. All that we might die to sin and live to righteousness––freed from the guilt and power of our sins.

That latter point––being freed from sin’s guilt and power in our lives by the work of Christ––is essential for us as we move into further exhortations for how we are to live in light of the gospel. This exalted declaration about the person and work of Christ comes in the midst of sustained exhortations for how Christians ought to live as a result of the gospel for the sake of the gospel in various spheres of life that we all find ourselves in. Our calling as the people of God, beloved, is to live as those who have been called out of darkness to walk in His marvelous light.

The gospel has something to say about our earthly citizenship and how we are to submit to those civil authorities whom God has placed over us. Using the particular relation of slaves to masters, we also saw that the gospel shapes how we submit to those in authority over us in the workplace. This morning, we see how the gospel of grace influences our conduct in the marriage relationship.

This is the most intimate earthly relationship addressed in what we have studied and will study. When marriage is good it is a great joy. But when things are bad it can be perhaps the most painful experience. The effects of sin have wreaked havoc on every marriage since the Fall in Genesis 3. Ever since then, God’s beautiful design and intent for marriage has been corrupted in countless ways––marriages marked by abuse; marriages that are broken and end in divorce; adultery; bitterness; a seemingly endless list of hardships experienced in countless mariages.

A union intended to portray Christ and the Church, as Paul teaches in Ephesians 5, sadly too often lies about Christ and the Church and brings disrepute upon the gospel it is intended to proclaim. Marriage is hard, because of our sin. Every marriage consists of two sinners. Because of the Fall, both husband and wife are naturally inclined toward sin and self. The only thing capable of freeing us from that bondage to sin and self is the gospel. That is the only hope for any marriage––good, bad, and everywhere in between.

That is what all of us desperately need to remember when it comes to marriage. Perhaps you’re here this morning and having marriage difficulties. To be sure, none of our marriages are perfect. Nor will they be while we wait for the LORD’s coming again. And the remedy for all of our marriage difficulties is the gospel. In fact, not only is the gospel the constant need to remedy our marriage difficulties. It is also the very thing that is to be displayed and commended to the watching world in our marriages for the glory of Christ.

MAIN POINT––Display the glory of Christ and His gospel in your particular God ordained role as a spouse.

Particular God-Ordained Roles

Before we dive in I want to say just a few things. This is not just a sermon for those who are currently married. All of God’s people should know God’s Word, love God’s Word, and obey God’s Word. For those yet to be married, particularly our young people, you should know what it is you are preparing for as you grow up into adulthood and one day eventually marry.

For those who have been married and have lost a spouse, having known the goodness of marriage and grief of losing your loved one––God is near to the brokenhearted. He sees you and knows you and loves you. He would have you to press in all the more to your church family and be able to speak God’s Word to those of us who need to hear and learn from your experience and godly wisdom.

I also want to acknowledge the sensitivity of this topic for many. Namely because of the challenges we face in our marriages. We should not be surprised by that reality. If marriage is intended to be a picture of Christ and the church, then we should not be surprised that sin, the flesh, and the devil rage intensely against our marriages. The enemy does not want the world to see a good picture of Christ and the church. That makes this topic all the more significant for us as we look to God’s Word, not the culture or our own wisdom, as our guide.

Before we get into the specific counsel given to wives and then husbands, it is important in our day and age to acknowledge the biblical reality that men and women were created equally as image bearers by God. However, with that equality, God created us with distinct, complementary roles in creation. That is perhaps most prominently displayed in the marriage relationship more than anything. This is not a popular belief in our egalitarian culture that disdains particular roles according to male-female distinctions.

We live in a time and place in which too many in the culture and, sadly, in the church, see such distinction in roles and submission as demeaning and unfair. That it somehow diminishes a person’s value. This is at the very core and foundation of all that is behind much of feminism of the last century. But the idea that role distinction and authority somehow diminishes value is totally foreign to the Bible.

Consider the relationship between Father and Son in the Godhead. We believe in one God who in some mysterious way is alse three distinct persons––Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. A proper understanding of the Trinity sees the distinct roles of each person of the Trinity. Yet each is equal in their divine nature as God. Additionally, we see the Son submitting to the Father’s will. Yet that in no way diminishes His equal standing and value as God the Son. Thus we should not see submission or distinction in roles in any way as degrading or devaluing someone.

In fact, there is great freedom and joy to be found in giving ourselves to knowing and living according to God’s design for each and every one of us––male and female. God’s created order of things is good and wise. Better than anything we can comprehend or dream ourselves. Thus, as Christian men and women we should give ourselves to understanding godly, biblical manhood and womanhood––knowing it; loving it; celebrating it; and living it as God intended.

I heard a helpful illustration from another pastor on this who used his coaching experience to make this point. He used to tell his players two things––know your position and win your position. A football team is not going to get very far or win very much if everyone on the field is concerned with being a good quarterback. Everyone has an assigned and distinct role for moving the ball down the field. The center must know his position and aim to win his position, not that of the others. The same goes for everyone on the playing field.

Brothers and sisters, we each have a particular God-ordained role to play as godly men and women. Godly husbands and wives that serve to display the glory, goodness, and wisdom of our God in unique, complementary ways particularly assigned to us in His created order and design. We should not scoff at that and despise it. We should joyfully celebrate and submit ourselves to it. So, let us give the rest of our time to seeing what Peter has to say about our God-ordained roles as wives and husbands living for the glory of Christ and His gospel in the world.

Counsel for Wives

Peter begins with and spends most of these verses addressing wives––six out of seven verses in fact. Why is that? Why does he devote so much attention to the wives over and above the husbands? Given the context, it seems that he is primarily focusing his applications for gospel living on those who find themselves in subordinate positions in society.

All Christians are to submit to the governing authorities over them. All servants are to submit to their masters in authority over them. When we face unjust persecution, like Jesus did, we submit and entrust ourselves to our faithful God who judges justly. “Likewise,” wives are to submit to their husbands. In that particular culture, wives did not have much by way of personal rights. They were essentially viewed and treated as the property of their husbands. They were subject to their husbands in every way, such that husbands had total authority over their wives.

It has even been shown in many ancient historical documents that in certain situations and contexts, husbands had authority over their wives' very lives. In some situations they could kill them or have them killed––for instance in cases of adultery. But wives had no such authority over their husbands who violated the marriage covenant. Women were treated very poorly, even subjected to abuse in some homes, and there was no legal recourse for them to follow to get justice or gain better treatment.

Furthermore, wives were in such subjection to their husbands that the idea of a wife having a religion contrary to her husband was a totally foreign concept. Generally speaking, if a husband had a particular religion that was applied also to his wife and others in the household. It was nearly unthinkable for a wife to have different beliefs than her husband.

So, imagine being a wife in the ancient Roman empire who has heard and believed the gospel, but is married to an unbelieving husband. What should you do? Should you flee him and seek divorce or separation? Not according to Peter. He says in verses 1 and 2, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” There’s a lot to be said from this.

First, what does it mean to “be subject” or “to submit” to your own husband? A lot could be said on this, but we want to simply take at face value what is clearly said in this passage. It means that the husband is the leader, the head of the household, and you, wives, are to follow your husband's leadership. This is totally counterintuitive to the way the world sees the marriage relationship ever since the Fall in Genesis 3.

There as God pronounced a curse over the woman he said, “Your desire shall be contrary to your husband” meaning that, against God’s intended design in creation, she would seek to usurp her husband's authority. She would fight against him. Wherever you see a wife that will not follow her husband’s lead, you should understand it as a direct consequence and outworking of the Fall. Not something to be celebrated, but something to be grieved and repented of. It is a distortion of God’s good design and intentions in Creation.

Here’s where I need to give one caveat. In submission to God’s Word, wives are to submit to their own husband. The caveat of course comes in where the husband is leading you to disobey God’s Word. As always, in that situation, you are to obey God rather than men. You are never called to disobey God in submission to any human authority. I believe that this would include situations of abuse.

Wives, you should not and must not subject yourself to abuse from your husband. If that is ever your situation, you have every God-given right to seek help and justice from local authorities for your good and safety and for the good of your husband who should face the consequences for such sin and hopefully be brought to repentance as a result. There is nothing good or godly about subjecting yourself to abuse. Don’t hear any of this as a call to that.

Now, Peter is speaking to all wives, but he has a particular word it seems for those who were married to unbelieving husbands. Even still, Peter’s counsel for you if you are married to an unbelieving husband is to submit to your husband. Why? He tells us why––“so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” Just as we’ve seen in all the counsel before, Peter’s aim is the advance of the gospel.

Believing wife married to an unbelieving husband, your submission to Him and respectful and pure conduct adorns the gospel and can be used by God to win your husband to the gospel. That’s Peter’s concern. That ought to be your concern as well. Peter uses a sort of play on words here. Do you see that? Even if they do not obey the word, you're seeking to win Him to the Word, without a word.

Now, to be clear, that is not a total prohibition on verbally sharing the gospel with your unbelieving husband. You absolutely should do that. In fact, you have not shared the gospel if you have not done so verbally, with words. Faith comes by hearing. What it does mean though is that you should not badger him with it. You should not inundate him constantly with appeals to the gospel and obedience to God’s Word. To do so would make you just as guilty as the quarrelsome wife described in Proverbs.

Prov. 21:9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop

than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

Prov. 21:19 It is better to live in a desert land

than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.

Prov. 27:15 A continual dripping on a rainy day

and a quarrelsome wife are alike;

Prov. 27:16 to restrain her is to restrain the wind

or to grasp oil in one’s right hand.

Sisters, if your husband is an unbeliever, share the gospel with him and then simply adorn it with your submission to his authority and your respectful and pure conduct toward him. The same goes if your husband is a believer, but falling short in some areas. Gently and respectfully share your concern, then go on submitting to him and showing him respect and honor as one who is called to lead you. You are not to badger him. You are not to disrespect him. You are not to belittle him or make him feel like a failure or less than a man.

Peter has more instruction here. Essentially, your aim is to be beautiful in God’s sight. Look at verses 3 and 4–– “Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

This is not a total prohibition on giving any attention to your outward appearance. Peter is writing under inspiration of the Holy Spirit just as Solomon did with the Song of Solomon. There the loved woman is described in all kinds of terminology of outward beauty and apparel. Peter would agree with all of that. So it's not a total prohibition on looking beautiful outwardly. However, it is directing you to where your primary concern should be. Inwardly––the hidden person of the heart. The imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in God’s sight.

Sisters, who are you aiming to please? Who are you aiming to be beautiful for? What standard of beauty are you seeking to follow and emulate? Is it what the world says? The magazine models and social media influencers of our day? The latest and greatest fashion trends that will get men’s attention? Or is it with the Christlike attributes that God calls you to here in your inner being? Don’t miss that. This call to a gentle and quiet spirit is not merely a feminine quality to be cultivated. Jesus described himself as “gentle and lowly in heart.” This is Christlikeness.

Sister’s, your submission to your husband with a quiet and gentle spirit displays Christ and the power of His gospel at work in your life. When your husband makes bad decisions or leads poorly, it is not your fretting or persistent badgering that will bring him to repentance. Most likely that will drive him further away. But your gentle and quiet spirit, confident in your faithful God who cares for you more than any earthly husband ever could, will be precious in God’s sight and will be what’s best used by God to win your husband.

Real quickly, while I’m on this point, I feel it important to say a word to those youngest among us. Young ladies, the world around us is going to try and influence you to their standards of beauty. And I just want you to see clearly God’s standard and primary focus of beauty laid out in this verse. Concern yourself with cultivating the gentle and quiet spirit laid out here that is beautiful and precious in God’s eyes more than any other standard of outward beauty.

Young men, this bears a word for you also. What is it that you will find most beautiful as you grow and become more and more interested in girls and as you seek to pursue a wife in God’s timing? Will it be the same standard of outward beauty that your friends, classmates, and teammates outside of this church look for? Or will your standard of beauty line up with what God says is beautiful here in this passage. Many men in the world could tell you stories of outwardly beautiful women that were morally bankrupt on the inside, causing nothing but pain and heartache. Young men, look for what God says is beautiful more than anything else.

Now, lest we think this was just a word for the wives in Peter’s day, notice what he does. He grounds all of this exhortation in biblical history. Look at verses 5 and 6––“For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”

Peter anchors this exhortation to wives in biblical patterns and principles revealed repeatedly in the Word of God and His design since the beginning. Not the culture of the day. These truths are timeless. Be like the holy women of old who hoped in God. Adorn yourselves just as they did––by submitting to their own husbands. He then focuses on a specific example. That of Sarah in relation to Abraham.

This is a reference to Genesis 18:12. Abraham was told that he would have a son by his wife Sarah and she laughed saying, “After I am worn out, and my lord is old, shall I have pleasure?” She referred to Abraham as “lord” or “master.” This is not to say, sisters, that you should start calling your husbands “lord” or “master.” What you should take away is the disposition of recognizing your husband's authority over you in the marriage relationship. Again, a disposition of submission and following his lead. Not quarelling with him or usurping his authority.

Peter says, you are her children––you follow after her, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. What does he mean by that, referring to fear? Sisters, this is not an easy calling. It is a fearful thing to submit to imperfect men who like you are sinners. To willingly and joyfully commit yourself to submission to your husband is scary. It can bring with it a fear of uncertainty and fear of the future in following him and his lead.

But your calling is not one of fear, sisters. You can trust the LORD and know that what He is calling you to is good for you and ultimately for His glory. Entrust yourself to Him if you are struggling to trust your husband in his leadership, knowing that the LORD cares for you infinitely more than even the most perfect husband ever could. With an eternal perspective and eyes fixed on Jesus, you ultimately have nothing to fear in submitting to your own husband. It is a gracious and precious thing in the sight of God.

Counsel for Husbands

That brings us to Peter’s counsel for husbands. Look at what he says there in verse 7––“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. Husbands, this pairs so perfectly and complementary with all that we’ve seen in the verses addressed to wives.

You are not to lord it over your wives that you are the leader in your marriage. You are not to rub it in. If there was any part of you that was wanting to nudge your wife as if to say, “listen up” as we were going through those verses–––you need to repent. Your wife's call to submit to you does not mean that you gleefully get to dominate her. To do any of that would violate God’s calling on you as her husband. You are to live with your wife in an understanding way. What does that mean?

The original language literally means “according to knowledge.” You are to live with your wife “according to knowledge.” You are to know her. Constantly growing in your understanding of her and her needs. Brothers, I fear that some of us know more about our favorite sports teams, or hobbies, or our work than we do about our own wives. Then, because of that, when we make decisions or try to lead without ever giving any consideration to our wives–––how it will affect them; what their thoughts are––we end up exasperating them and making it harder for them to trust us and submit to us and our leadership.

Our leadership is not to be one of domineering, but one of considerate understanding for our wives. That means we will give special attention to their needs. We will hear, even seek out, their input to hear their concerns when it comes to big decisions. We won’t make that big purchase, or make that big move, or take that other job without considering her thoughts, her concerns, and the way those decisions will affect her.

We are to show her honor as the weaker vessel. What does Peter mean by that––referring to the woman as the “weaker vessel”? Certainly not weaker morally. Not mentally weaker. Not spiritually weaker. I think Peter is speaking generally with regard to physical stature. By and large, generally speaking, women are physically weaker than men. Note that I said generally, in case you're tempted to point out some exceptions to the rule.

I know that if I challenge Claire Klinkhammer to a 100m foot race, she’s gonna crush me. I’m older, heavier, and slower! But I’m willing to bet that I could outlift her in the weight room with a barbell on my shoulders. Generally speaking, and generally observable in nature, the average woman is smaller and weaker than the average man. There is a natural difference between husbands and wives. Brothers, we are to use our strength differential in a way to protect and care for our wives.

You are to honor her. Do not use her for your own pleasure and satisfaction. Your wife is a priceless gift from God to be prized and cherished. Use your strength and leadership to honor her. Cherish her. Care for her. Provide for her. Serve her as the incredible and valuable treasure she is. Why? Well, particularly for believing wives, Peter says spiritually speaking that she is your equal before the LORD. Do you see that there?

“They are heirs with you of the grace of life.” Believing husbands and wives stand on equal footing before the cross of Christ. Equally justified. Equally set apart by the grace of God. Equally destined for the inheritance that awaits all who are in Christ Jesus. Brothers, your distinct role of headship and authority does not elevate you over your wife as redeemed sinners clothed in the righteousness of Christ. Understand your wife. Honor your wife. Protect and care for your wife. Cherish her as your sister in Christ, if she is a believer.

Finally, brothers, note the consequence for when we fail to love and lead our wives in this way. You are to do all of this “so that your prayers may not be hindered.” What does Peter mean by that? I think he means exactly what he says. No secret hidden meaning to mull over and find. Husbands, the way you treat your wife will have an effect on your communion with God. I think what is said a few verses later in 1 Peter 3:12 serves to confirm this. There he says, “for the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayers.”

Brothers, if you are rough with your wives. Inconsiderate to them and their needs. Not honoring them. Not caring for them. You should not be shocked when you feel cold and distant in your walk with the LORD. If that describes you this morning, hear this word as a warning and loving discipline from your Father in heaven and repent. Live with your wife in an understanding way. Honor her. Give special care and attention to her. Ask her forgiveness for any ways that you have failed in those areas. Ask her to share how you can do better in those areas.

Brothers, when you take all of this in you can see that really this is a call to Christlikeness as well. Did not Christ live with us in an understanding way? He is acquainted with all of our griefs and sufferings. He knows our frame and our weaknesses. He used that knowledge to serve us by giving His life for us. Submitting Himself to painful torment and execution on a Roman cross so that by faith we could be reconciled to God. That we might die to sin and live to righteousness the way God intended.

Conclusion

Loved ones, let me ask you, how are we doing? Does your marriage reflect what is laid out for us here in God’s Word? Does it display the glory of Christ and the power of His gospel? Or is it lying to everyone around you about the power of the gospel in your life and marriage? No matter how far short we fall, there is abundant grace and mercy and power in the gospel to restore what is broken in any of our marriages.

If you are here and your marriage is not at all reflective of what we’ve seen together in God’s Word, know that God has given His own Son to make this kind of marriage possible for any husband and wife who will follow the LORD Jesus Christ. And if you are a believer, He has enabled you to live this way by His grace and the power of His Spirit at work in you. Go to the LORD in prayer. Open up to your church family who can offer you godly wisdom and counsel and come alongside you in prayer.

Do not allow bitterness and shame to keep you from these ordinary means of grace that God has given us in Christ. Allow the gospel to break your pride and shine the light of God’s grace on your difficulties. That is the only hope for healing and change in all of our marriages.

Display the glory of Christ and His gospel in your particular God ordained role as a spouse.