Premarital Counseling

Biblical Roles of Husband and Wife

Ephesians 5:22–33 ESV

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

The Context of Family

God has revealed himself to us as Father. He has also sent His son who, as the first born of many, is a brother to us.

Family is important to God. He has a design for family and this is seen in the beginning when he created man and woman and in His command to be fruitful and multiply the earth.

Jesus was born in the context of family.

He describes the church as His bride.

Men and women in marriage shows the world the whole picture of Him.

Paul’s description of how a church should function is like a family - the family of God.

Each family member has a specific role. And each role has distinct functions.

Complementarian vs. Egalitarian

Complementarian simply means that husbands and wives have distinct roles that are intrinsically equal in worth and value but unique in design, role, and function. One isn’t better than the other; they complete or complement each other.

Complementarians understand that their God-given roles represent complementary expressions of the image of God in order to glorify God.

Complementarians view their marriage as a team in which the husband is the “team captain” who wisely understands and uses his wife’s strengths to the best of their relationship. Neither person can be all and do all in a marriage, nor are they supposed to.

For some folks, the idea of traditional complementarianism gets confused with more extreme views, such as a wife’s role being a subservient, brainless doormat who submits to her husband in any and all circumstances, while her “superior” husband as a domineering tyrant who oppressively demands his way or the highway. These roles certainly do not line up with scriptural views on relationships.

An Egalitarian view of marriage also sees both husbands and wives as equal in worth. But, the focus is on equality without different gender roles in marriage. This approach is more like having co-captains. Husband and wife submit to each other, laying down their own self-interest for the other’s benefit.

What does it mean to submit?

To be clear, biblical submission never dominates, demeans, demands, or abuses another person. It does not require spouses to deny their giftings or personality or shut off their intellect.

Biblical submission expresses itself through sacrificial love and honor, servanthood and respect, encouragement and kindness, dying to self. 

A wife’s role is to respect and honor her husband. She’s meant to work alongside her husband to make their marriage succeed while allowing him to take the lead, especially when the two are in clear conflict.

Sermons from John Piper (1980–1989) Husbands Who Love like Christ and the Wives Who Submit to Them

Submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.

What does it mean to be the head or leader?

The husband holds the role of spiritual leader. He’s called to initiate spiritual investments and is overall responsible for the spiritual health of his family.

This does not mean that a wife isn’t actively involved in pursuing the family’s spiritual growth. It means that the husband carries the weight of the responsibility (for the family’s spiritual well-being — not for the wife’s spiritual health as an individual).

As Paul mentioned, the husband is to love, care for, and serve his wife as Christ loves the church. Christ loved the church so much that He gave up His life for her. Husbands are called to be servant leaders, which means they make the welfare of their wives and families a priority.

Sermons from John Piper (1980–1989) Husbands Who Love like Christ and the Wives Who Submit to Them

Headship is the divine calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for Christ-like servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home.

The Christian Role of a Wife in Marriage

Helper = “ezer” / a military ally meaning to be strong, to rescue, to save (think who Joab is to David); ezer implies that the person has resources the other person doesn’t have.

A military ally is not weak or passive. Nor does this role imply placating in silence. She does not avoid confrontation or conflict.

Other roles:

Mother

Life-giving (Proverbs 31)

Wise

Decisive

An entrepreneur; works outside the home

Generous

Proactive

Cares for herself, her kids, her home, the poor, and her employees

The Christian Role of a Husband in Marriage

Genesis 2:15 - Man is to keep the garden; Keeper = protect, provide for, cultivate a space; helping anyone or anything the man interacts with to bloom and thrive.

Genesis 2:18 - Man is to name the animals; Naming = calling forward toward one’s future / purpose.

A leader not a tyrant

A Christ-like leader serves, defends, protects, helps grow

The husband is the Chief Servant in the family