Growing Through Grief

Job 1:13–22 ESV

Now there was a day when his sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother’s house, and there came a messenger to Job and said, “The oxen were plowing and the donkeys feeding beside them, and the Sabeans fell upon them and took them and struck down the servants with the edge of the sword, and I alone have escaped to tell you.” While he was yet speaking, there came another and said, “The fire of God fell from heaven and burned up the sheep and the servants and consumed them, and I alone have escaped to tell you.” While he was yet speaking, there came another and said, “The Chaldeans formed three groups and made a raid on the camels and took them and struck down the servants with the edge of the sword, and I alone have escaped to tell you.” While he was yet speaking, there came another and said, “Your sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother’s house, and behold, a great wind came across the wilderness and struck the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young people, and they are dead, and I alone have escaped to tell you.” Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.

Job 2:1–8 ESV

Again there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came among them to present himself before the Lord. And the Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil? He still holds fast his integrity, although you incited me against him to destroy him without reason.” Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Skin for skin! All that a man has he will give for his life. But stretch out your hand and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will curse you to your face.” And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, he is in your hand; only spare his life.” So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and struck Job with loathsome sores from the sole of his foot to the crown of his head. And he took a piece of broken pottery with which to scrape himself while he sat in the ashes.

The story of Job is the story of us all. In one day, Job lost everything—his family, his wealth, and his health. Most of us experience loss more slowly, over the span of a lifetime, until we find ourselves in our twilight years, preparing to leave everything behind.

We lose our youthfulness. Nothing can stop us from growing older.

We lose our dreams. Every person in this room has felt the disappointment of a dream unfulfilled, of a reality that didn’t match up to the expectation.

Every change and transition in our lives involves loss. For every thing that you gain or move toward, there is something you move away from. Even when change is good, it still creates a sense of stress and can involve loss.

At some point, each of us suffers catastrophic loss. A loved one dies. We find ourselves single again after a painful divorce or breakup. We’re diagnosed with cancer. We lose our home to fire. Infertility, miscarriage… the list goes on and on.

We grieve the things we cannot do—our limits. We look back to when life was better, when we didn’t need a cane to walk.

The Gift of Grief

Last week, we looked at the times in life when we reach a wall—something that blocks our path. We learned that God allows us to face the wall as a part of our growth. It does no good to ask God to remove the wall or to avoid the wall. We have to go through the wall. The victory is on the other side of the wall, and that victory comes in the form of our own personal transformation.

In the same way, the grief that comes with loss, as painful as it is, is an opportunity for God to work something much deeper in our lives. Grief, in God’s hands, is a gift.

Why is grief a gift? Because, as we grieve what we lost, we begin to lose some other things too.

We begin to lose some of our false notions about God and the church. This is a hard process, because up to this point we have invested so much of our time and energy into a certain way of following Jesus, into certain applications of biblical truths, only to realize that much of it was foolishness. We may feel betrayed by a church tradition, a leader, or even God himself. But ultimately, we realize that God is so much bigger and incomprehensible than we thought.

Most people come into the church expecting it to be the perfect family with perfect people. We come into Christianity thinking it will solve all our problems. Grief is the gift that breaks the illusion of perfection. As painful as it is to see the failings of others who claim to follow Jesus, it is necessary in order that we can truly understand God’s grace. If God can love that person, in all their humanity, he can love me when I fall. If God can show me grace in my worst moments, I need to show that same grace to others.

Job

Job was the Elon Musk of his day. His wealth was staggering. . According to Job 1:3

Job 1:3 ESV

He possessed 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 500 yoke of oxen, and 500 female donkeys, and very many servants, so that this man was the greatest of all the people of the east.

Job was also a faithful servant of God.

Job 1:1 ESV

There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job, and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil.

So we have this man, famous for his vast wealth and his integrity as a godly man.

Suddenly, everything went wrong. Invaders plundered his riches and killed his servants. Lightning struck. A tornado killed all his children. In one day, Job literally lost everything.

How did Job respond? He worshipped God rather than blaming God.

As Job was still reeling from his loss, he suddenly found himself covered in boils. His sores became infected with worms. His disease ravaged his body. Job was removed outside the city walls to the town’s garbage dump. He sat alone, isolated and mourning his terrible fate.

In the midst of his grief, his marriage fell apart. Mrs. Job had enough.

Job 2:9 ESV

Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die.”

What makes this story so frustratingly confusing is the fact that Job had done nothing to deserve any of this. It was all so unfair.

At a moment like this, it would be so easy to ask, “Where is the love and goodness of God? How could he do this to faithful Job?

How would you have responded to this kind of loss? How might you have grieved if you were Job?

Getting Past the Grief

We are all taught how to handle grief. Our families, our community, our culture—they all let us know what is considered the acceptable way to handle grief. Some of us stuff down the pain and try to act like we’re ok.

Others get stuck in the pain, never moving on.

It is said that Queen Victoria, after her husband Albert died, made sure that his personal rooms were kept as though he was still alive. Servants laid out fresh clothes every day and changed the water in his wash basin.

Wherever she went, Victoria went to bed next to a photo of her husband laid out for his funeral.

Today, the most common way to deal with pain is through addictive behavior. We watch television, scroll on our phones, keep busy, running from one activity to the next. We indulge in pornography, overeat, drink, take pills—anything to help us avoid the pain. We focus our attention on another person, either trying distract ourselves by fixing them or demanding that they cater to our pain.

But we can’t heal if we avoid the grief. We have to find a way through the grief so we can get past the grief

Unfortunately, the church tends to do a terrible job equipping people to deal with grief. Our response to people’s grief is often something like

Philippians 4:4 ESV

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.

or

Psalm 100:2 ESV

Serve the Lord with gladness! Come into his presence with singing!

They sound good, but they don’t help. Used out of context, these verses add guilt to the grief. Believers end up thinking that feeling sad or depress or anxious means that I don’t really trust God.

1 Thessalonians 4:13 ESV

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

So many believers misunderstand this verse to mean that we are not supposed to grieve at all, but that is not what it is saying. This verse says that our grief will not look like the grief of those who have no hope.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 ESV

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

Ecclesiastes 3:4 ESV

a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

Jesus wept. There is no shame in weeping. If we are going to get past grief, we have to go through the grief.

In the midst of Job’s grief, his friends all showed up. Instead of comfort, they brought condemnation. They were convinced that Job’s problems were the result of some secret sin.

It’s true that our choices have consequences. Our pursuit of pleasure today can lead to pain tomorrow. But sometimes the grief is not the result of our actions. Sometimes, it’s the actions of someone else that hurt us. Sometimes, it’s the fact that we live in a world where loss and pain are a part of life. And sometimes, pain comes, and we have no idea why.

While Job never rebelled against God, he did reach a point when he questioned God. “What have I done to deserve this?” It’s a question all of us are familiar with. We’ve all asked it at some point.

What was God’s response? He spoke to Job. God began asking Job questions, like:

Job 38:4 ESV

“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding.

Job 38:22–23 ESV

“Have you entered the storehouses of the snow, or have you seen the storehouses of the hail, which I have reserved for the time of trouble, for the day of battle and war?

Job 38:35 ESV

Can you send forth lightnings, that they may go and say to you, ‘Here we are’?

God points out all the beauty and ugliness found in nature, and challenges Job to explain it all, until Job finally admits how limited his understanding is. The point being that God will not try to explain the reasoning behind Job’s suffering because there is no way Job can understand it.

We can’t see things the way God does. He sees every situation of every person throughout all of history. And somehow he is able to weave all these experiences into a cohesive whole that is leading everyone to the opportunity to know him.

From Grief to Grace

As I said earlier, God has a way of turning grief into a gift. That’s because, as we let God lead us through the journey of grief, we are brought into a greater understanding of God’s grace. Our grief shows us how small and powerless we are. It also lets us see how big God is.

We learn to rely on his strength, not ours. In the midst of our pain, we find his peace. He brings healing for our heartache. He’s the Faithful Father when we fall. He satisfies our starving souls. When we are positive that our past will push him away, God is present. Our emptiness ends in his embrace.

Tempering is a heat treatment process that improves steel's mechanical properties by reheating it to a specific temperature below its melting point, and then cooling it in a controlled manner. The process reduces brittleness, internal stresses, and the risk of cracks. Tempering makes the steel stronger and more useful.

In the same way, God can use the grief process to make us stronger. We become more patient, less likely to crack under pressure, because we have already experienced pain and learned how to endure. We can overcome because we are now working in God’s power rather than our own.

I have to tell you, I wish there were some other way for us to experience growth besides experiencing grief. I hate the thought of any of you suffering. When you hurt, I hurt. But I have learned through my own grief to turn my agony into action. I turn to God, and I move forward. I’m thankful for the grief I have experienced, because it allowed me to have compassion for the grief others experience.

Today, maybe you are in the midst of grief and loss. You are experiencing an agony of the soul, and you don’t know how to get out of it. You feel like God is judging you, that he must hate you. There is nothing any further from the truth!

God loves you. He is here for you. He wants you to be healed and whole. You want him to take away the pain. He wants to take you through the pain to a new place of greater strength.