Grief is Complex

Introduction

This morning we are beginning a four-week sermon series entitled, Observing Grief. We will be looking at Biblical passages that display significant experiences of grief. We will be drawing insights from C.S. Lewis’ Book, A Grief Observed. If you would like to purchase that book to read during these next four weeks, I highly recommend it. It’s a short book, and it’s only $10 on Amazon.com. We’re all probably familiar with C.S. Lewis to some degree. Lewis taught Literature at Oxford and Cambridge Universities in England. He was a prolific writer and thinking, probably best well known for Chronicles of Narnia book series. He was good friends with J.R.R. Tolkien, the author the Lord of the Rings series. Lewis originally an atheist, but after his conversion he became an apologist for Christianity. One of his best known titles is Mere Christianity. In that book he offers a defense for believing in God’s existence and in Christ, but he also he writes about the Christian life.

However, A Grief Observed is the rather different kind of book. A Grief Observed contains Lewis’ reflections on grief, which he wrote in the wake of wife’s passing. Lewis, who was an Englishman, married an American woman named Joy Davidman. The couple had a lot in common. They were both writers and intellectuals. They had both been atheists, but later came to faith in Christ. They started off as pen-pals, and became really good friends. The most interesting thing about their relationship is that they were married while Joy was in the hospitable being treated for cancer. Joy lived another four years and lost her battle with cancer. In some ways, their relationship was unconventional. It was Joy’s second marriage. They were middle aged, and Lewis was 17 years older. Most strikingly, Lewis married a woman he knew was going to die. Even though they were only married for 4 years, Lewis had a profound and intense experience of grief. For the next four weeks we will be observing grief in sacred scripture, while pulling in insights from Lewis.

The title of my message today is Grief is Complex, and a central point I want to convey is that grief is sometimes more complicated than we’re willing to recognize. We would prefer our experience of grief to be something like a straight line. Point A is the loss and point B is recovery. If enough time goes by I will make it to point B. Grief does not work like that. First of all, because it is a myth that time will make grief subside. Grief is far more complex, because we are complex beings and our relationships are full of complexities. Lewis’ story and our passage about David mourning his son Absalom illustrate the complexities of grief in some striking ways.

Before we delve into that topic, let’s talk about what grief is. One author defines grief as follows: “Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.” Here’s what we need to take away from that: 1). Grief is a reaction—it is a feeling. 2). Grief is normal and natural. It may not be a pleasant part of life, but grief is a normal and natural part of life. Part of our problem, as modern Western people, is that we view grief as abnormal. So, we don’t know what to do with these feelings when they arise. (We’ll talk about that later). 3). Grief is triggered by “loss of any kind.” This is an important point. Sometimes we want to put parameters on grief. We want to say, “Well, I should grief this but not that.” We want to make comparisons: “I shouldn’t bad about my spouse’s disease, because so-and-so’s husband died.” With grief we cannot make comparisons. Each experience of grief is unique, because each person and their circumstances are unique. I’m sure there were people who looked at Lewis and thought, “Sure the old bloke (because that’s what they call each other in England) is tore up, but he married a dying woman. He knew she was going to pass away. Besides, they were only married for four years. It’s not like they were married for forty years.” What’s implied in those statements? Lewis’ grief shouldn’t have been as bad as other people’s, because he knew he was going to loose his wife, and his feelings should not have been intense, because they were only married a short time. That is simply not true. Lewis’ experience of grief was unique to him, and should not be compared to anyone else’s loss. Each experience of grief is unique, because each loss is unique. You can expect to grieve the loss of loved ones, loss of a spouse in divorce, loss of pets, the loss of a job, the loss of a home when you move to a new home, the loss of vocation after retirement, the loss of youth after graduating from high school, the loss of singleness when you enter a committed long-term relationship.

You can see why grief is complex. Grief isn’t reserved for funerals. We also experience grief during the “happy” milestone moments of life. Here is another definition of grief: “Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.” Grief is a conflicting feeling. That’s why you were so sad when the kids moved out of the house. There’s a sense of joy! You reclaimed your house! It’s finally yours! Your children were getting careers and getting married. It’s all God’s blessings, yet you were sad, because your babies weren’t babies any longer. Grief is more than sadness. It often includes an inner conflict.

David’s story illustrates this in a profound way. David’s son Absalom conspired to take the kingdom from him. Everyday Absalom would sit by the city gate. As people would come to seek judgement from the king, Absalom would tell say to them, ““See, your claims are good and right; but there is no one deputed by the king to hear you. If only I were judge in the land! Then all who had a suit or cause might come to me, and I would give them justice.” Slowly Absalom turned the hearts of the people towards himself and undermined his father’s authority. After doing this for four years, he went to David and requested to go to Hebron, so he fulfill a vow he made to God and worship. David unaware of what Absalom had been doing gave him his blessing. Meanwhile, Absalom sent messengers throughout the Israel, having them spread the news that he was going to be king. When news of what Absalom was planning reached David, he fled Jerusalem for his life. Absalom returned to Jerusalem with his coalition of Israelites and was crowned king. Afterwards he sent out 1,200 soldiers to find David and kill him.

David went to war with his son. He told his general Joab, “Deal gently with Absalom for my sake.” When the two armies gathered for war, Absalom was seen riding on his mule and we went behind the Great Oak Tree for cover. Absalom had a big old head of hair, and he known for his beautiful hair. When he went under the tree, his hair got stuck in the branches. When his mule kept walking, Absalom was left hanging in the air. Joab, who was able to look at the situation a little more objective than David, didn’t waste any time, and he trust a spear in Absalom’s heart and killed him. When the news of what happened to Absalom reached David, this was his response: “O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would I had died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!” Grief is complex.

We see two primary emotions present in this story: Sorrow and Relief. Obviously, David’s grief is intense. Think about everything that David was feeling. First of all, he was betrayed by his own son. Imagine what that must of felt like. Even before Absalom dies, David is experiencing a loss of trust, loss of respect, and a loss of love. David remembered when Absalom was born. He remembered holding him as an infant, and raising him as a child. This person that David invested himself into loving and raising, rejected him in the ultimate betrayal. This is more than “I hate you, dad!” Absalom would’ve killed David had he been given the chance. Maybe some of you have strained relationships with your children. Maybe you’re not on speaking terms. That is a loss. It’s okay to grieve the loss of that relationship.

There is another feeling present in the narrative, and that is relief. Depending on the circumstances, we can feel a sense of relief when someone passes away. This isn’t something CS Lewis addresses explicitly in his book, but we often observe it when someone with a chronic illness passes away. Lewis says this in the third chapter of his book: “Even the insane call, 'Come back', is all for my own sake. [...] Could I have wished her anything worse? Having got once through death, to come back and then, at some later date, have all her dying to do over again?” Even though Lewis desperately wanted his wife back, he knew also knew that had she lived longer she would have endured intense physical suffering. Sometimes, we experience a sense of relief when someone passes away. They’re not suffering anymore—sigh—but of course that doesn’t make us feel better. We still want that person to be here. Or let’s be real and honest for a moment: taking care of an ill loved on is exhausting. There’s no rest. Everything revolves their care. When they pass, there can be this sense of it’s over now. That can be followed by feelings of intense guilt. Here’s what you need to remember: that sense of relief is part of the natural and normal experience of grief. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love the person. Of course you did! Otherwise, you wouldn’t have cared for them in their time of greatest need. You’re not a bad son/daughter/spouse, you’re physically/mentally/emotionally exhausted. It’s ok.

We see that interplay of relief and guilt in David’s story. You can almost feel the collective sigh when Joab kills Absalom. Breath—Absalom is dead. The threat is neutralized. We can all return home. Think about the alternative? What if Absalom hadn’t been killed? He likely would’ve killed David, and the bloodshed would’ve continued. Many fathers, brothers, and sons would not have returned home to see their families. Naturally, David’s men are relieved, even though they feel sympathy for their king. David does not express this sense of relief like his men do—they’re celebrating till Joab tells them to quiet down—David says. “Would I had died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!” David is feeling the guilt that accompanies relief. Because of the actions of his generals, his son is dead. How could David express relief that he gets to live another day? On top of grieving the loss of his son, now he is feeling guilt. This is what we call, survivor’s guilt.

David does one thing really well in this narrative: he expresses his grief. The expression of grief is called mourning. David was a bad dude, and sometimes we forgot this. David had killed so many people in his lifetime that God said he had too much blood on his hands. David was accustomed to killing and death in ways that most people never will be. When his son is killed, David weeps like a baby. That’s not a weakness on his part. David allowed himself to mourn. I mentioned earlier that as modern western people, we’re told to bottle up our feelings. David is having none of that. He openly expresses his grief. The experience of grief is different for everyone. David expressed his grief through a very emotional and public display. We grieve differently at different points in the process. CS Lewis talks about the “Laziness of grief” in the first chapter of this book. He writes about how he lost the desire to do anything—to even move. He writes about feeling embarrassed around everyone he meets. As Lewis saw people he knew in public, he thought about whether they’d acknowledge him or not. Lewis writes that some of his friends have been avoiding him for weeks, because grieving makes people uncomfortable. Too often, we have not been good enough friends (and Christians) to sit with people in their pain. Lewis expresses his grief—all these conflicting feelings—by writing about it. David weeps (and I’m Lewis did too), but Lewis writes. That is how he was able to process and express his inner turmoil. Weather we weep, write, or talk with someone, we have to find ways to express our grief.

David faces the problem we all encounter during grief: Life goes on. Joab goes to David and tells him that he has shamed his army by grieving so openly for his son, and that if he does not quit he will loose the respect and support of his army. Was Joab technically right? Yes. Was it helpful for David probably not. In the wake of a death, people will tell you all sorts of things. Some of them are heartfelt and comforting. Some of them are hurtful and discouraging, even if they’re technically true. However long David mourned for Absalom, it seemed to Joab to exceed what was considered appropriate. That doesn’t mean David still wasn’t grieving inside. The last thing I’m sure David wanted to do was address his men. In the first chapter of A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis talks about the awkwardness that existed between he and his late wife’s sons. “I cannot talk to the children about her. The moment I try, there appears on their faces neither grief, nor love, nor fear, nor pity, but the most fatal of all non-conductors, embarrassment. They look as if I were committing an indecency. They are longing for me to stop. I felt just the same after my own mother's death when my father mentioned her. I can't blame them. It's the way boys are.” I suspect David felt something similar when interacting with her soldiers after grieving so openly. Here is another conflicting feeling to add to the experience of grief: embarrassment/awkwardness. How do you balance grief and responsibility? The truth is, even though David was hurting, he still had a kingdom to manage. So, David arose and took his place by the city gate and began commanding his army. In the wake of a loss, we also have to arise and take our place by the city gate. We have to go back to work. The kids have to go back to school. We have to get out and go to the grocery store. Inwardly, it may feel like we’re bleeding out, but we have to go on with the mundane realities of life.

CONCLUSION

The first step towards recovering from grief is acknowledging it. When we’ve endured a loss, and someone asks us how are doing, what do we often say? I’m fine. We know that is not the truth, and yet we will not admit it. The first step to recovery is acknowledging I have endured a loss and I am grieving. Most importantly, I will endure through this season. I’m not okay now, but I will be okay. That doesn’t mean this season will be pleasant. It doesn’t mean this season will be easy/

Grief is complex. Grief is messy, because life is messy and our relationships often can be very messy. Despite the complexities of grief, we must remember that it’s also a normal and natural part of life. Because, grief is normal and natural the majority of people recover from grief. There’s light at the end of the tunnel of grief. C.S. Lewis was able to recover from his grief. David was able to recover from his grief. In the coming weeks we will look at Lewis and other Biblical examples to see how we too can recover from grief.