Prescription for Healing

September 17, 2006

. 1 Corinthians 13:5; John 21:15-22

It may have been King David’s lowest moment. His son Absalom was leading a revolution against him. Absalom was a charmer and had convinced many that David was too old and ineffective to lead. When Absalom stormed the city with his troops, David and his army left Jerusalem and left the palace vacant. David decided he would rather be humiliated in retreat than to be involved in a bloody civil war against his own son.

What a horrendous moment this must have been for Israel’s most celebrated king. On the way out of Jerusalem, David must have thought, It can’t get any worse than this. But it did. A commoner by the name of Shimei taunted David as he fled the city. Shimei stood on a hillside throwing clods of dirt and stones at the king and cursing him saying, “God is finally getting even with you for what you did to King Saul, you bloody traitor!”

One of David’s men snarled, “Let me go up and run that impudent coward through with a sword.” David’s response was incredible. He said, “No. Don’t kill him. Let him go. Maybe I’m just getting what I deserve.”

If that were the end of the story, we would hail David as a great man—how magnanimous to forgive such an offense. Well, David was a great man, but that’s not the end of the story. The memory of that offense festered in David’s mind for years. On his deathbed, about a decade later (see 1 Kings 2:8), David speaks his final words to his son, Solomon:

“Remember you have with you Shimei, son of Gera, the Benjamite from Bahurim, who called down bitter curses on me the day I went to Mahanaim. When he came down to meet me at the Jordan, I swore to him by the Lord: ‘I will not put you to death by the sword.’ But now, do not consider him innocent. You are a man of wisdom; you will know what to do to him. Bring his gray head down to the grave in blood.”

Those were David’s final words. Do they sound like loving, forgiving words? We do the same thing. Have you some deeply-buried resentment which you haven’t dealt with? – against a former friend, a boss, a fellow Christrian?

I. The Problem of Resentment

That story introduces us to the problem of resentment. First Corinthians 13:5 says, “Love does not keep a record of wrongs.” That is an accounting term. It’s the term for entering an item into a ledger so that it will not be forgotten. Paul is saying love does not keep a ledger of offenses. Love does not build up indebtedness. Love doesn’t harbor a grudge.

That’s exactly what many people do. They nurse their wrath to keep it warm. They brood over their wrongs until it’s impossible to forget them. Or they hide these wrongs under a band-aid hoping they will go away. And what happens to an unclean wound that is never aired or purified?

Like David leaving Jerusalem, most of us have had a Shimei, hurling insults and wounding us from the sidelines. Some of you can remember childish insults said on the playground. Maybe you were a good scholar, but you’ll never forget how the athletes made fun of your lack of athletic ability. Or maybe you have a good personality, but you’ll never forget somebody making fun of your physical appearance. It’s amazing how we can recall almost verbatim some things that were said to us as children. They’re like video tapes replaying in our minds.

u Some of you were hurt by teachers or coaches or counselors in school years ago, and you have never forgotten. Listen to this story from an unknown source: During my freshman year of Bible college, I worked on the maintenance crew at the school for 70 cents an hour. I got released from that job because I took time off to play on the basketball team. The supervisor said to me, “Bob, I’ve observed that young men who don’t do well on this crew usually don’t do very well in the ministry either.”

That was 30 years ago, but I remember him saying that. Not that I hold a grudge against that judgmental old codger! He couldn’t tell a preacher from a pagan to begin with! We remember those things. And worse, we harbor bitterness.

Hurts from the past can stay in our minds forever. Instead of letting the wound gradually heal, leaving a slight scar, resentment keeps picking the scab, and usually with dirty fingernails pick! Pick! Pick! We keep a record of the wrong, and we keep underscoring it in the ledger.

Some of you encountered a Shimei in your own home. Maybe you were wounded by an alcoholic father who terrified you or by an inconsistent mother. There are husbands and wives who live under the same roof but barely speak because resentment has built up over the years. Maybe you were cheated out of money or a position at work. It’s easy to let resentment toward the offender build over a period of time.

We all know, resentment destroys relationships. Some of you are so bitter over the Shimei in your life you won’t speak to him or have anything to do with him even though he is a close relative or you see him frequently. You’re going to take your pride or your alienation to the grave with you. It alienates you sometimes from close friends. If you’ve ever had a relative go through a divorce, you know the tendency to divide into camps. In order to be a friend to somebody, you must be an enemy of their enemies. Has that happened to you? Is it really necessary to take sides in a dispute? No! Is it really necessary to place blame? No! God says, love your enemies; pray for those who persecute you. Proverbs says, don’t rejoice when your enemies fall. That’s in chapter 24:17 And in the next chapter, we are reminded in the 21st verse to supply our enemies with food and drink when they are hungry or thirsty. God says that will be like heaping burning coals on their heads, bringing them to shame. Heaping burning coals on their head means you are willing to give them fire from your hearth when theirs has gone out. By returning good for evil, we are acknowledging God as the balancer of all accounts. Check these verses out for yourself. Then add them to Jesus’ injunction to forgive. How many times? Seventy times seven times! In other words, don’t ever stop forgiving. The last verse in Ephesians 4 is our injunction from Paul ….”forgive one another, just as God has forgiven you.

u Resentment alienates you from people because it destroys your personality. I don’t know many great things that Buddha said, but he did say one thing that was good. He said that holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal in our hands with the intention of throwing it at someone. But we’re the ones who get burned, aren’t we? Often while we are burdened with hurt, our enemy has no idea how much we are aching inside.

Resentment is emotional suicide. It’s self-inflicting because it will destroy you. Maybe you withdraw into a shell and become very protective, planning never to allow yourself to get close to somebody again because it hurts. You’re the loser. You become vengeful, joyless, negative, and bitter.

Proverbs 17:22 says, “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” There are minority groups, some militant feminist organizations, and some bitterly handicapped people who have become resentful and angry. Although they have legitimate hurts, they are so bitter in expressing and vocalizing, people don’t listen. Prejudice is a terrible sin—but so is resentment.

u Martin Luther once was so depressed over a prolonged period that one day his wife came downstairs wearing all black.

Martin Luther said, “Who died?”

She said, “God has.”

He said, “God hasn’t died.”

And she said, “Well, live like it and act like it.”

In The Living Bible, Job 5:2 reads, “To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do.”

Today we’re going to look at the biblical prototype of forgiveness

Today’s Scripture is from John chapter 21 beginning with verse 15 and continuing on through verse 22. If you have your Bible with you, please turn there and follow along as I read.

So, John 21, verses 15 – 22: “When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?" He said to him, "Yes, Lord; you know that I love you." He said to him, "Feed my lambs."
He said to him a second time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" He said to him, "Yes, Lord; you know that I love you." He said to him, "Tend my sheep."
He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, "Do you love me?" and he said to him, "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you." Jesus said to him, "Feed my sheep.
Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go."
(This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this he said to him, "Follow me."
Peter turned and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them, the one who had been reclining at table close to him and had said, "Lord, who is it that is going to betray you?"
When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, "Lord, what about this man?"
Jesus said to him, "If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!"

In this passage there’s a marvelous prototype of forgiveness. Jesus was wounded by Simon Peter. On that chaotic, pressure-filled night when Jesus was arrested, everything came unraveled. Peter was loyal to Jesus for a while. Concealing his identity, Peter followed Jesus right into the courtyard of the high priest. But in that hostile environment, somebody looked at Peter and accused him of being a follower of Jesus, and Peter immediately said, “Oh no; not me!”

Three times Peter was accused. Three times every eye was on him, and three times he impulsively said, “I never heard of Jesus. I don’t know him!”

The third time he underscored it with an oath. During the final denial, Jesus was being escorted away, and he overheard what Peter said. Luke 22:61 reads, “The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him. ... And he went outside and wept bitterly.”

Peter felt terrible about his denial. But the denial hurt Jesus at a time when he needed the support of his friends. That emotional wound may have hurt more deeply than some of the physical wounds he was already beginning to experience.

I want you to see how Jesus dealt with that hurt. He appeared to Peter personally after the resurrection and asked Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?”

I think he was subtly reminding Peter of his boast that he would never deny Jesus even when the others did.

Simon said, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”

A little later Jesus asked a second time, “Simon, do you truly love me?”

Peter said, “Yes, Lord. You know that I love you.”

He said, “Tend my sheep.”

A third time he said, “Simon, son of John, do you really love me?” I wonder if he asked him three times to give him an opportunity to affirm his love three times because he had denied him three times. But the Bible says that Peter was a little bit hurt because Jesus asked him a third time.

Peter said, “Lord, you know all things. You know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “All right, feed my sheep. Follow me.”

Jesus had told Peter he was going to give him the keys to the kingdom. Peter blew it big time. Jesus relinquished his right to retaliate, but he also gave back the keys of the kingdom and told Peter to feed his sheep. He knew Peter would preach the first gospel sermon to open the door to the church on the day of Pentecost. Jesus didn’t keep a record of wrongs. And neither should we!

We have looked at the problem of resentment and the prototype of forgiveness. Now we will look at the

Prescription for Healing

From this biblical example of Peter with Jesus after the resurrection, I want us to see a prescription for healing from resentment. Of course, the very best prescription is prevention. Don’t allow yourself to be resentful. The Bible says that God buries our sins in the deepest sea and doesn’t remember them any more. We can’t forget because we don’t have that capacity. It takes a while for us to forget. But we can bury the past. As long as the past wound is no longer festering the hurt will pass. Which heals faster, a clean wound or a festering wound? Think of your resentment as a festering wound not a fresh wound. Fresh wounds hurt deeply. Festering wounds don’t have that searing pain of the original cut; they only remind us they are there when they are bumped.

Jesus didn’t bump Peter’s past wounds. Love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. And if we’re going to get along with people, the best way to prevent resentment is not to let it happen. When somebody hurts you, just forgive them and go on. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. Don’t get your feelings hurt easily. Don’t pick at the scab. Just forgive it and go on.

As I already mentioned, Peter asked how often he should forgive a man. Jesus said seventy times seven. In other words, forgiveness is just a continual attitude in our lives. We need to realize people are people, so don’t let resentment build. Forgive so you can be forgiven by God

But what about wounds from the past so deep you just can’t overcome them? You’re struggling with bitterness and resentment. What do you do? The first thing you have to do is to admit the problem. Jesus confronted Peter with the issue. You will not be released from resentment if you deny it’s there.

Rick Warren has a slogan: Revealing your feeling is the beginning of healing. Don’t deny resentful feelings.

Rick Warren relates the following incident:u “I preached to my home congregation some time ago, and I talked in the sermon about how much I appreciated and admired my father because his mother died when he was three and his father, my grandfather, had a real drinking problem. In spite of that, my dad became a great Christian.

In the service was an aunt of mine who has always been a supporter of my ministry. But she and others in the family have repeatedly been in denial about my granddad’s drinking. It’s kind of a family secret.

After the sermon, my aunt came to me and said, “That wasn’t true what you said about your dad’s family.”

When I said, “What’s that?” she paused for a minute and said, “I think your dad was four when his mother died.”

She just couldn’t bring herself to discuss my grandfather’s drinking—and that’s forty years after his death. People can go a lifetime covering up. I think that’s denying the truth. Love admits the truth and begins to erase it. Admitting your feeling is the beginning of healing.”

Job 7:11 reads, “Therefore, I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.”

I think that means you find a close friend whom you trust and say, “I don’t need a lot of advice. I just want to tell you about some of the bitterness I’ve been feeling, and I want you to pray for me.” You admit the problem. If you don’t have a close friend you want to confide in , or you fear they would be drawn into your resentment, then go to God. You can always confide in Him. He is trustworthy and will give wise advice. Find a quiet corner and cry out to your “Abba, Father.”

The second thing we can decide is to forgive. Some people say, “I don’t feel like forgiving. I don’t want to hear about forgiving because I can’t forgive.” It’s not a matter of feeling. It’s a matter of obedience to the Lord’s command.

u Harry Emerson Fosdick said that when he was a boy he overheard a conversation between his dad and mother at the breakfast table. He heard his dad say, “Tell Harry he can mow the grass today if he feels like it.” As his father left, he heard him call back, “Tell Harry he’d better feel like it.”

Forgiveness is not a matter of whether you feel like it or not. It’s a matter of a command from your heavenly Father.

Mark 11:25 records these words from Jesus: “When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Forgiveness is not an option; it’s a command. I doubt if Jesus felt like going to the cross, but he did it because he was obedient to the Father even unto death.

By the way, remember the question Jesus asked the helpless paralytic at the pool of Bethesda? The guy had been paralyzed for 38 years, and he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

I would ask some of you who have just allowed resentment and bitterness to fester for a long time: Do you want to get well? Or do you really like nursing that grudge and feeling sorry for yourself? Do you want to get well? If so, you will forgive. And some people will require your forgiveness over and over again as they offend and re-offend.

A third thing we can do is take the initiative. Jesus initiated the conversation with Peter when, after his resurrection, he said, “Go tell the disciples and Peter.”

Sometimes when we’ve been wounded, we sit back and wait and pray that the person who really hurt us will come and fall at our feet and beg for forgiveness. Then we’ll forgive them. But that seldom happens. Most of the time if we are resentful, we have to determine to forgive and take the initiative ourselves.

Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault just between the two of you” There are Christians in this town who once attended this church, but no longer do. Some have fallen away. Some go elsewhere. Some were hurt; some were not. But there are hurts; there always are when people leave. But when we know there are hurts, we can take the initiative to bring about the process of reconciliation. It will be difficult, but it can be done. Do it out of obedience to Christ who said in Ephesians 4:32 “be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Fourth: release the offender. Romans 12:19 reads, “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”

And when you begin to forgive, you say, “God, I turn this person over to you.” You’re not saying they didn’t hurt you or that you were in the wrong. You’re saying you’re not the judge or the executioner. You’re saying, “Lord, I’m going to trust you. You will make things right.”

In Psalm 109, David struggled with resentment:

“O God, whom I praise, do not remain silent,

for wicked and deceitful men have opened their mouths against me;

they have spoken against me with lying tongues. ...

Appoint an evil man to oppose him;

let an accuser stand at his right hand. ...

May his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow.

may his children be wandering beggars;

may they be driven from their ruined homes.

May a creditor seize all he has;

may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.”

Don’t you feel that way sometimes? Be honest now?

Aren’t you glad David’s a man of prayer! See what he’s doing? He’s telling God he’s bitter and admits it. He’s going to release it to God, but he is also giving God some suggestions about how to get even. We can be honest with God. He will forgive us when our bad attitude gets out of hand.

Ruth Graham said it was a great day in her life when she realized it was not her job to change her husband. She said “It was my job to love Billy and God’s job to change him.” We all like to “fix” things don’t we? But God is the ultimate fixer. It’s not your assignment to make somebody change. You release the offender to God.

Fifth, focus on the future. There’s value in analyzing and reviewing your past just as there’s value in occasionally glancing in the rearview mirror of your automobile. But there’s a time to get your eyes off the rearview mirror and onto the road ahead. That’s why the Bible says in Hebrews 12:15, “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to trouble and defile many.”

Conclusion: If They Can Forgive, You Can Forgive

Believe that forgiveness is possible. Believe that through the power of the Holy Spirit working in your life the forgiveness can take place. A few of you here today are saying to yourself, “This is so much theory. You don’t understand how deeply I’ve been hurt. You don’t understand how those roots are so entangled. It’s impossible to reconcile in my life. You’ve not been hurt as I have.”

Probably not. But I can point to others who have been hurt as badly as you or maybe worse, and they’ve managed to forgive. How about you? Do you really want to get well?

Pastor Robert Russell says “when I was at the Eddyville State Penitentiary several weeks ago, I learned about Paul Stevens. Paul Stevens’s daughter was stabbed to death by a neighbor in Evansville, Indiana, years ago. Paul Stevens spent nearly a decade tortured by the memory of his daughter’s killer. The memories proved so hard to bear that Stevens moved his family from Evansville to a new home near Dawson Springs, Kentucky. His daughter’s killer was released after seven years behind bars. Stevens’s hatred twisted his psyche. “At that time I wanted to see that man dead,” Stevens said.

In 1978, nine years after the murder, Stevens tried something radical. At a religious retreat, he finally grasped that his hate couldn’t restore his daughter. He vowed to overcome the tragedy and devote his time to working with violent criminals. Since that time, Stevens has spent two days each week working as a counselor and lay minister at a maximum security prison. He has come to call some of the 29 prisoners on death row his friends. He had put into practice the principle found in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 which reads: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

One of those prisoners who said he could never have been led to Christ except by this man because he had such compassionate understanding. Stevens said treating violent criminals as human beings has helped him lose his hatred and made him a happier person.”

If he could forgive that, you can forgive however deeply you’ve been hurt. If Joseph could forgive his brothers for selling him as a slave into Egypt, if Corrie ten Boom could forgive a Nazi prison guard who tortured her and murdered her family, if Jesus Christ could forgive you for everything that you have done against him, then you, with his power, have the capacity to forgive those who have offended you.

Why don’t you begin today?