Solving for Peace

For all you married couples, how many of you are living with a spouse that likes to keep the house at the opposite temperature than you? Some of you like it cold. Some of you like to live in a slow cooker. But somehow you married each other. I recently saw someone post on Facebook, “Marriage is moving the thermostat up or down two degrees when the other person isn't looking for the rest of your lives until you die.” Is that you? I’m blessed to share a house where we mostly get along, but I know this is some people’s reality! Maybe your house looks something like this...

Play thermostat fight video.

The reality is we are all human beings and it is not if conflict arises, but when conflict arises. It will happen and the question is, how do we respond to it? Last week we learned that we should not take insurance policies out against God. He has made promises to us that consist of eternal life, resurrection from the dead, to be our father, for us to be adopted into his family, and to preserve us. We would do more and go further in what God calls us to if we would learn to trust him. Abram didn’t trust God enough to tell the truth about who he was and his relationship to his wife as he went into Egypt. Ironically, the lie made him quite wealthy, and when his time in Egypt came to an end, he left with many possessions.

Abram leaves Egypt and returns to the same place where God promised the land to his offspring in Genesis 12:7. Lot was with him, who also amassed considerable wealth measured in livestock. A genuine problem arose. The land could not sustain both the herds of Abram and the herds of Lot. This led to conflict between the herdsmen, one that could not be ignored.

Today, we will look at Genesis 13 and discover five steps for resolving conflict.

Identify the source of strife.

Genesis 13:5–7 NASB95

Now Lot, who went with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents. And the land could not sustain them while dwelling together, for their possessions were so great that they were not able to remain together. And there was strife between the herdsmen of Abram’s livestock and the herdsmen of Lot’s livestock. Now the Canaanite and the Perizzite were dwelling then in the land.

Abram noticed the land could not support both herds. Those of you who have raised livestock understand there is a point in which a herd reaches critical mass. That is the point in which the thing has grown to such a size that anything more will yield catastrophic results. In raising livestock, the land can only support so many animals before resources become scarce. Animals need access to food and water, and those are finite resources on a finite piece of property.

When we enter into conflict with another person, it is imperative that we identify the source of the strife. Rarely is the conflict over the actual thing we are fighting over. The issue on the surface is almost never the real issue. So, we need to identify the source of the strife by asking deeper questions. This is what happens when people come to my office with a problem, an issue, or a concern. There is a deeper issue that manifests itself through the surface issue. Alcoholism is not the issue. There is a deeper issue that is the source of strife that manifests itself as alcoholism. If someone is lying to his wife and hiding things from her, that is not the issue. There is a deeper issue in the relationship that drives that behavior. Only when we can identify the source of the strife can we truly develop a process for eradicating it.

Peace starts with honesty about the source of strife.

Focus on people, not problems.

Pay close attention to what Abram says in verse 8:

Genesis 13:8 NASB95

So Abram said to Lot, “Please let there be no strife between you and me, nor between my herdsmen and your herdsmen, for we are brothers.

There is a real problem here, but Abram looks past the problem to the effects the problem has on his relationship with his nephew. We don’t want conflict, but we have to remember that the conflict is not at the center. People are.

Sometimes we enter into conflict with another person and very quickly it becomes about winning the fight and not about reconciling relationships. That describes our society today perfectly. We are often more concerned with winning arguments and asserting our point of view than we are preserving relationships with others. Focusing on problems is easy. Preserving relationships is hard, but it pays greater dividends.

We need to remind ourselves that the people we are in conflict with are more important to God than the problem itself. If we are going to focus on people, not problems, we need to let go of the need to win. We need to tell ourselves that we can speak the truth in love without changing someone’s mind. The key to this is asking great questions. If we can remain curious enough, we will connect with people on a deeper level and the problem won’t take center stage.

Open the door for solutions.

Let’s look at how this conflict was resolved.

Genesis 13:9–11 NASB95

“Is not the whole land before you? Please separate from me; if to the left, then I will go to the right; or if to the right, then I will go to the left.” Lot lifted up his eyes and saw all the valley of the Jordan, that it was well watered everywhere—this was before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah—like the garden of the Lord, like the land of Egypt as you go to Zoar. So Lot chose for himself all the valley of the Jordan, and Lot journeyed eastward. Thus they separated from each other.

In this instance, because Abram focused on a person, not the problem, this opened the door for solutions. Look at what Abram’s solution was. He knew they needed to go their own ways, not because the strife was so great, but because it was necessary for growth of both the men and their livestock. But Abram lets Lot choose which land he wants to choose. What does Lot choose? The Jordan valley area. This area sits off the Jordan river, has great access to water, and access to amenities as it is in proximity to cities.

In our conflict resolution efforts, we must be open to solutions, especially if those solutions don’t look exactly the way we want. We can’t enter into a conflict by telling ourselves there can only be one outcome. Do you ever do that? Do you tell yourself in the fight that the only way this conflict can be resolved is _________? We don’t like the word compromise because we assume that compromise means I lose. We need to reframe what it means to resolve the conflict. You may not get what you initially wanted, but when you focus on people, not problems, the real win is a strengthened relationship, which far outweighs the perceived loss. We need to look for alternative solutions beyond the solution we have already formed in our head.

Choose what honors God over personal gain.

Let’s look at the solution that was proposed here again. Abram gives Lot the first choice. He could have easily chosen first. He had the authority. He was Lot’s uncle. He was older. He was the one called by God, not Lot. So he has the right to tell Lot how it’s going to go down. But he didn’t. He graciously allowed Lot to choose, which means he had to risk not getting what he might have wanted. Lot chose the best of the two options leaving Abram with the rest.

In our personal conflicts, we should look for the solution that demonstrates faith in God rather than the solution that is the most comfortable or most profitable for us. Abram just spent time in Egypt where he didn’t trust God. That was an example of what not to do. He didn’t need to lie for self preservation purposes. Now, he’s honoring God by allowing Lot to choose first. He is letting go of selfishness or self preservation, and choosing people over problems. This honors God.

When you are working through conflict, choose what honors God over personal gain. Your motive can’t be to get out of this what you want. The motive needs to be to find the solution that elevates the relationship.

Walk in God’s promises.

After the choice had been made, and Lot chose the better of the two options (at least by looks), God reaffirms his promise to give the land Abram was in as an inheritance to his descendants. His descendants are going to be so numerous they can’t be counted. Something different happens here than what took place in chapter 12. In the previous chapter, Abram didn’t have confidence God would show up. So he took out an insurance policy against God. Here, he loses the opportunity to claim the good, lush, green, favorable land for himself, and is left with the dry, arid desert land. It’s going to be harder for him to live there than in the area Lot chose. But he’s trusting God.

Conflict resolution is not easy. But the Bible doesn’t teach us to avoid it. The Bible teaches us how to navigate it in a way that is restorative. God’s mission is to restore the brokenness to his original design. He wants us in a right relationship with him, with each other, with how we view ourselves, with our finances, possessions, our jobs, everything. But to get there we have to pass through the waters of conflict resolution. The time between Abram and Lot splitting up and God speaking to Abram is uncertain. I wonder if Abram was worried about letting Lot choose first.

The hardest part about following God’s commands is you have no guarantee it will turn into the thing you have thought in your mind. You put in the work, you pray, you give it your all, and it still doesn’t look the way you thought it would. You tell yourself that maybe you made a mistake. Maybe you just aren’t trying hard enough. Maybe you didn’t pray the right way. But God gives you a gentle nudge: “You’re doing what I asked you to do. Do you trust me?”

You have to walk in God’s promises. We will abandon the pursuit when it gets hard or it takes too long to see the results we want. But that’s just the thing. It’s not about what we want. It is about being faithful to God’s commands even if we don’t see the results. We are a small part of God’s master plan and we are called to play our part.

Unresolved conflict affects our effectiveness. Biblical conflict resolution, however, glorifies God, keeps us moving in the right direction, and elevates our relationships. Dr. John Delony, a mental health expert, calls this solving for peace. We choose not to avoid conflict, but patiently and gently pursue resolutions that glorify God.