Paul’s Guide to Parenting
Notes
Transcript
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
“Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise),
“that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Introduction
Introduction
I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.
Those are John’s word to Gaius. In this case, he was speaking of his spiritual children, but it is certainly true of biological children as well. There is no greater joy than to see your own children walking in the truth and walking in light. However, if that is our greatest joy, then our greatest heartache is when our children are walking in falsehoods. It is when they walk in darkness.
If you have ever felt that ache, know that you are not alone. Not only have millions of other Christians shed tears over their children who have walked away from the faith being in love with this world, but God himself understands, and his heartache is expressed:
Hear, O heavens, and give ear, O earth;
for the Lord has spoken:
“Children have I reared and brought up,
but they have rebelled against me.
The ox knows its owner,
and the donkey its master’s crib,
but Israel does not know,
my people do not understand.”
Ah, sinful nation,
a people laden with iniquity,
offspring of evildoers,
children who deal corruptly!
They have forsaken the Lord,
they have despised the Holy One of Israel,
they are utterly estranged.
For they are a rebellious people,
lying children,
children unwilling to hear
the instruction of the Lord;
who say to the seers, “Do not see,”
and to the prophets, “Do not prophesy to us what is right;
speak to us smooth things,
prophesy illusions,
leave the way, turn aside from the path,
let us hear no more about the Holy One of Israel.”
Beloved, when our children stray, we feel the heartache deep in our souls just as our Father feels the heartache when we turn aside from his path. Remember that we have been adopted by God who is now our Father and because we are now God’s children, Paul instructed us to be imitators of our God as beloved children, including—and perhaps, especially—when parenting children who—due to an inborn sinful nature—are inclined from birth to disobey and dishonor us.
And so, as Paul guides us as parents and children, he gives us three areas of focus. The first area Paul focuses on is the rightness of obedience. The second area deals with the reward of honor. Finally, he focuses on the responsibilities of the father. And in case, you’ve missed it, every time Paul starts, he begins with the those under authority: wives, children, and slaves, and then he moves to those in authority: husbands, fathers, and masters.
The Rightness of Obedience
The Reward of Honor
The Responsibilities of the Father
The Rightness of Obedience
The Rightness of Obedience
That first area of focus for Paul is the rightness of obedience on behalf of the children.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
When Paul addresses the children in Ephesians, he demonstrated that both the heart and the behaviors of children matter in the family and the church. And while adult children still need to honor their parents—that we find when Jesus dresses down the Pharisees who declared their wealth as corban—it is the children who are still at home with whom Paul focuses.
So kids, if I could get your attention for a few moments, I’d appreciate it. You may think that the Bible is a book for adults. It’s big. It’s long. It’s hard to understand sometimes. But here is Paul saying it’s not just for adults, “God has something to say to you.” He says that God wants you to obey your parents in the Lord. That’s pretty understandable, right? You’re job in the home is to do as your parents say. But how and why?
The how is in the command. You do it in the Lord. That has three meanings for you. First, you are only to obey when your parents tell you do something that doesn’t dishonor Jesus. That doesn’t mean that everything they say directly honors Jesus, but when it is clear that they are telling you to dishonor him, that’s when you are freed from this command. The second meaning is that if you’re a Christian, your power to obey comes from Jesus. Meaning that when mom says for you to clean up your room or dad tells you that it’s time to put your phone down, God is actually speaking to you and training you to live in his power and live for his glory. But the third meaning is that your obedience may not come because you agree with mom or dad, but because you love Jesus and trust his instructions for your life.
That’s why Paul wrote that this is right. That’s why you’re to obey. He’s not just saying that it’s a good idea or that it’s nice if you do it. He says that this is right. This is God’s plan for the family, and his plan is always good. Each person has their responsibility—including you as a child. God put your parents in charge because they are your first experience with authority. Before you ever meet a coach, a teacher, or even your grandparents, you’ve got your parents there that God has given you to learn honor and obedience.
The Reward of Honor
The Reward of Honor
Which takes us to the second area that Paul focuses on. The first is the rightness of obedience; the second is the reward of honor.
“Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise),
“that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
When God gave this command to Moses, he meant that the nation of Israel would be a round for a long time. A nation where kids honors their parents is a strong nation. When the family falls apart, because we think we know family better than God who designed it, a nation falls apart.
But Paul tweaks the understanding writing that when you honor your parents, you get rewarded. You’ll have a good, long life. That doesn’t mean that everything will go perfectly.
So then, what does all this mean? Because we all know that there are children in which life did not go well. They’ve faced pain, abuse, sickness, and even death. Does this mean that God didn’t keep his promise? Not at all.
Imagine your dad promised you that he would rent a box at Busch Stadium so you can have a birthday party with your friends. When the day arrives, you find out that dad didn’t rent the box—he rented the entire stadium so that you and your friends could play on the field, meet the players, and have cake in the clubhouse. Would you say that dad didn’t keep his promise? No. He kept it in a far greater way than you imagined.
That’s how God is! He always keeps his promises; sometimes he just does it in ways we weren’t expecting. Remember also the promise of God:
For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.
The Responsibilities of the Father
The Responsibilities of the Father
Which leads us to the area that Paul focuses on the responsibility of the father. Now, technically the word “fathers” in this verse could be translated as “parents,” but it is a bit strange that Paul wouldn’t use the normal word for parents. For that reason, along with Paul’s having established the man as head of household, it seems more likely that Paul actually calls upon fathers to step up to their responsibility.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Dads, the good news is that you have only two responsibilities. The bad news is that, for most of us, these two responsibilities don’t come naturally. The first responsibility comes in the form of a negative command: “Do not provoke your children to anger.”
We are called not to do this. For many men, we have a natural desire to toughen up our children. This is good. It’s how God made us. Our children need to be toughened up. It’s not that our desire is misguided, but rather how we go about it. Rather than speaking to our children in love and kindness, we—ourselves—get easily agitated and so, we speak to them harshly and impatiently. Many dads will use shame or humiliation to change their children’s behavior, never thinking how in the future they will be too humiliated or too ashamed to come to us in their time of need. We pester them so they get tough skin, never realizing that we all too often just toughen their hearts against us.
Often the youngest of children will obey you; they love you and want to please you, but a seed of anger has been planted in the heart. Each subsequent provocation adds water and fertilizer upon that anger. As they grow so does the fruit. Suddenly, little requests are met with sarcasm and resistance, then back talk and outbursts of anger. So Paul tells us that we must not be those who plant seeds of anger in the heart and so become the reason for an angry spirit.
Instead, Paul gives a positive command: “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Those words “bring up” is a word Paul used just a few verses before.
For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,
That word “nourish” is the same word that is translated as “bring up.” “Nourishing” is a word that we tend to associate more with moms than it is with dads, but Paul uses the word for dads. “Dads, nourish your children,” and the context is not with food, but instruction. We, as dads, have a special responsibility to our kids: feed their souls.
Dads will often want to nourish their children by putting food on the table and that is certainly something that falls on us, but anyone can do that. The government can put food on the table. But who’s going to put food in their souls? Dad that’s your job; feed their souls. Feed them with what? The discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Rather than shaming or pestering our children to discipline our children, Paul wrote that we are to nourish our children with the discipline of the Lord. The Lord is the subject of the discipline; in other words, that’s where our discipline is focused—the Lord. We must remember that discipline isn’t the same thing as punishment, though punishment is a form of discipline. Discipline, itself, is training.
It seems as if parents, especially these days, are more interested in training their children for careers, sports, and higher education. They help their children to be disciplined in matters of this world—disciplining their children to be a better soccer player, football player, swimmer, golfer; or they are disciplining them to focus on money, power, and self-confidence. But less and less are focusing on being disciplined in matters of the Lord. A pastor friend texted a quote from Richard Phillips to a group text I’m in that I think is exactly right. “The apostasy of our land can be gauged by the vast extent to which the Lord’s Day is devoted to recreation rather than worship.” Dad’s today are failing their children by teaching them that momentary loves are more important than their eternal relationship with Christ. What does it matter if they gain the whole world, but lose their souls? Most parents don’t even aim at the whole world; a state championship or a partial scholarship is enough.
Paul is calling us to feed our children with training and instruction of the Lord. Those are two sides of the same coin. We teach them about Jesus—what he has said and what he expects. In essence our Great Commission begins in the home: teaching them to observe all things he has commanded us. But we train them in that obedience. Perhaps you’ve heard the method of training and instruction by telling, showing, and doing. First your tell them—instruct them. Then you show them how to do it—demonstrating how you do it, explaining along the way how and why. Finally you give them opportunities to do it themselves, guiding them throughout having Jesus as your focus.
This is really what God was saying Israel should do way back in Deuteronomy 6:4-6
“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.
And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.
You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
First, you love the Lord and then you train and instruct your children as to what that means and how they display that kind of love.
Look at how Jesus does this with his own disciples and you’ll find that he tells stories, asks questions, sets up scenarios, takes them along on journeys that would be hard, allows sad things to happen at times, and leaves them until just the right moment where he shows up—all to discipline and instruct them.
What you find is that they are at times confused. They misunderstand. They make mistakes. But you don’t see them provoked to anger. And in the end, we find eleven out of twelve imperfect, but godly disciples who changed the world.
Conclusion
Conclusion
Not every child will respond as we wish to the discipline and instruction of the Lord; Jesus lost one of his twelve, but—as Jesus trusted the Father and prayed for his disciples—so we are to trust and pray for our children that when they are tempted and sifted, that they come through faithful. As Rich Mullins said, “[they] may falter in [their] steps, but never beyond his reach.”
Kids, you’ve heard what Jesus expects from you: obedience and honor. But you’ve also heard that blessings come from it.
Dads, you’ve heard what Jesus expects too. He is our great example as to how to nourish our children. He shows us how to put food in their souls through discipline and instruction. None of us will do this perfectly. I’ve messed up more times than I can count. But we can do it faithfully and sincerely. Confess your faults, both to God and your children. They need to know what it means to confess wrongs—it’s part of training them to have a repentant heart. We often tell our kids to apologize to a brother or sister or friend, and then tell them, “No. Say it like you mean it.” What if, though, they understood what contrition felt like and looked like because they’ve witnessed it as we demonstrated it toward them or their mother?
Brothers, God is gracious. It’s never too late to start training and instructing our kids. They could be fifty-years old, and we still are called to be a dad who trains and instructions his child in the Lord. It will certainly look different than if they were five years old. God has the power to soften hearts and restore relationships.
For those who have young children at home, spend much of your personal time beholding Christ in his Word. Spend time reading and meditating on what he teaches, how he teaches, and why Jesus teaches what he does. Pray that God gives you a heart of patience and a mind focused on your calling. Pray for opportunities to talk about Jesus in your car, at the dinner table, or at bedtime. Ask that your eyes would be open to opportunities in which you can demonstrate what a godly man looks like and how a godly man reacts, and then have the ability and time to explain why you did so.
None of us get the right every time. Not us, not our kids. That’s why we all need a Savior—one who did get it right. Every. Single. Time. In love and grace he died, rose, and ascended so that when we get it wrong and sin against one another and against God, we are forgiven completely.
Prayer
Our heavenly Father,
I pray for the children who are in this room this morning. I ask that you would press it on their very hearts to take seriously your command to obey and honor their parents—with their words, their actions, and even their thoughts. May any hardening of their hearts against their parents soften as they trust and love you even more than they do mom and dad.
I pray for those children who have walked away from the faith and for the parents who are heartbroken and scared for the children’s souls. Continue to give peace of mind as they have to sit and watch the consequences of their children’s decisions. Give them grace so that they are ready to receive them back even as quickly as the father in the parable—embracing them and celebrating their return. And may they return—return to their faith, return to you, return to a mom and dad who love them more than life itself.
I pray for the parents here, especially the dads to whom you’ve given a monumental task. May they remember they cannot do it on their own or in their own power. It is only by being in Christ that we can ever hope to be a godly father who nourishes our children’s soul with the discipline and instruction of our Lord Jesus Christ. And it is in his name we pray. Amen.
