Check Yourself Before You Wreck the Friendship

Series: It’s Not You, It’s Me Sermon 2: Check Yourself Before You Wreck the Friendship Text: James 4:1–2 (ESV) "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel."

Exegetical Idea: James explains that conflict arises from unchecked desires within us. Homiletical Idea: Friendships are strengthened when we confront the war within before blaming the rift without.

Introduction

Friendship is a sacred gift from God. Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.” Good friends hold you up when life knocks you down.

But if we’re honest, friendships are also fragile. Words get twisted. Feelings get hurt. Sometimes years of closeness can unravel in a single moment. And what’s our instinct? To say, “They changed. They let me down. They’re the problem.”

James challenges that instinct. He says the problem may not start with them — it might start with me. That’s why this message is called “Check Yourself Before You Wreck the Friendship.”

👉🏾 If I want lasting friendships, I need to let God deal with what’s going on inside of me.

Recognize My Role in the Rift

"What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?" (v. 1)

📖 Exposition

James uses two words: quarrels (polemoi — ongoing hostilities, “wars”) and fights (machai — outbursts, skirmishes).

He says they come from “passions” (hedonōn — pleasures, cravings, selfish desires) at war inside us.

The problem isn’t always external — it’s internal.

💡 Illustration It’s like blaming the fire alarm for the smoke — when the real problem is the fire burning inside the walls.

🔥 Application

Before saying, “That friend is toxic,” I need to ask: “Am I prideful? Jealous? Easily offended?”

Sometimes the rift isn’t because they wronged me, but because my own desires are unchecked.

👉🏾 Transition: Once I recognize my role in the conflict, I need to refocus on the right standard.

Refocus on God’s Standard of Love

"You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel." (v. 2a)

📖 Exposition

James escalates the picture: desire leads to envy, envy leads to strife, and strife can even lead to violence.

Left unchecked, selfish desires always destroy relationships.

Jesus gives the opposite standard: “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12).

💡 Illustration When my heart is empty, I’ll drain my friends dry. But when God fills me, I can pour into others without keeping score.

🔥 Application

Friendship isn’t measured by how much I take, but by how much I love like Christ.

Ask: “Am I in this friendship to get, or to give?”

👉🏾 Transition: But recognition and refocus aren’t enough — I also need repair.

Repair with Humility

📖 Exposition

Proverbs 17:9 — “Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.”

Healthy friendships require forgiveness, patience, and humility.

Pride widens the rift; humility builds the bridge.

💡 Illustration A broken bone heals stronger when it’s set right. Friendships can come back stronger when they’re reset in humility.

🔥 Application

Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can say to a friend is, “I was wrong.”

Sometimes the greatest gift you can give is, “I forgive you.”

Personal Testimony (Claude’s Insert)

Here’s where you could share about a friendship tested by misunderstanding, but where humility, forgiveness, or a “check yourself” moment saved the relationship.

Engagement Moment

Ask the congregation: “Who do you need to stop blaming, and instead say, ‘Lord, check me so I can be the friend You’ve called me to be’?”

Conclusion

Friendships fall apart when we don’t check ourselves. James teaches us three lessons:

Recognize my role in the rift.

Refocus on God’s standard of love.

Repair with humility.

👉🏾 Don’t wreck the friendship because you wouldn’t check yourself.

Closing Run (Hooping Style)

Lord, check me… Before I wreck the friendship. Check me… Before I push away the one You sent to bless me. Check me… Before I let bitterness destroy what love built.

Because when I check myself, I see my Savior. When I check myself, I see my sin nailed to the cross. When I check myself, I remember that Jesus called me friend when I was His enemy.

And because He is my Friend, I can be a friend. Because He restored me, I can restore others. Because He walks with me, I can walk with somebody else.

And if you know Him today, you can declare with me — “What a Friend we have in Jesus!”