What is Forgiveness?

a) Last week we wrapped up our study of Philemon, a short letter about forgiveness & reconciliation Paul called on a Christian named Philemon to forgive his slave Onesimus, who took or stole something from him & then ran away. As we saw Onesimus ran away to Rome & met Paul. b) He heard the gospel & repented & believed & was saved. And Paul then wrote Philemon & sent Onesimus back to Philemon w/ that letter & appealed to Philemon to forgive Onesimus & to be reconciled w/ him. Not just as returned & forgiven slave, but now as a beloved brother in Christ.

c) We saw why Paul said Philemon should forgive Onesimus. B/c of his identity in Christ & His new Christian character. We saw how Philemon should forgive. For love’s sake. W/ humility. But I didn’t want to leave this letter & series behind w/o us being clear on what forgiveness is.

d) W/ that said, I want us to unpack what forgiveness is & is not. To help us do that, let’s look at the Lord’s prayer in Matt. 6:9-15. I’ve titled today’s sermon: What is Forgiveness? Read & Pray.

e) Os Guinness, an English author & theologian said: “Contrast is the mother of clarity.” Sometimes we better understand something by seeing what it’s not. Here are 7 things forgiveness is not.  

1st Forgiveness is not approving, diminishing, or enabling sin.

a) Forgiveness isn’t saying: “Well it’s okay. Nobody’s perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. It’s not a big deal.” No, sin is a big deal. It’s such a big deal God sent His Son who bled & died for it. To minimize, ignore or approve of sin is to dishonor the sacrifice our Lord made for us. b) Walking around w/ a fake smile when you are seething inside is not forgiveness. Jesus never pretended. If someone has betrayed your trust, damaged your soul, or caused pain – it is good & right to recognize & feel & acknowledge it as wrongdoing. c) If you have a friend or family member addicted to something that’s hurting them & those around them, you can forgive them w/o approving, diminishing, or enabling what they’re doing. Forgiving can include confronting & rebuking, not just pretending like nothing happened. d) Forgiveness is the opposite of excusing. It’s not acting like what that person did didn’t hurt you or affect you. Forgiveness is not denying you were sinned against. The very fact forgiveness is needed says someone did wrong. Forgiveness deals honestly w/ sin.

2nd Forgiveness is not waiting for an apology.

a) Have you ever said or heard someone say: “I will forgive them as soon as they say they’re sorry.” Some people are never going to apologize. Some people are going to continue in their rebellious, foolish ways, stubborn & self-righteous ways. They may never confess or even admit their sin. b) Some people may even die before they can apologize. In the 5th petition of the Lord’s Prayer, we not only ask something of God; we expect something of ourselves. We are saying: “God, please treat me as I treat others.” That’s a bold prayer. But Jesus shows us that forgiven people forgive.

c) If we aren’t willing to forgive, we ought to wonder if we’ve ever truly experienced & believed in God’s forgiveness. Think about the gospel. Jesus didn’t wait for us to say I’m sorry. He came & bled & died while we were ungodly, sinners, weak & enemies of God Rom. 5 says.

d) Back in our study of 1 Peter, we saw Christ’s example that he left us. 1 Pet. 1:23 says: “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten.” In fact, we know on the cross He prayed for the forgiveness of those who were taking his life & ridiculing Him.

e) Or consider what Jesus said in Luke 6:27-28: “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.” Notice, they are still our enemies hating us & cursing us & abusing us. And what does Jesus say to do?

f) Love them. Do good to them. Bless them. Notice, they haven’t asked for forgiveness or apologized. They don’t think they need forgiveness. And Jesus says: bless them. Part of that blessing is extending forgiveness. Tim Keller says: “Forgiveness is often granted before it’s felt.”

g) He says, “If you wait to feel it before you grant it, or what for an apology so you’ll feel it, you may never grant it.” Jesus calls us to forgive whether we receive an apology or not.

3rdForgiveness is not ceasing to feel the pain of sin.

a) Just b/c you still feel the pain of sin, doesn’t mean you’ve failed to forgive someone. Some of you have had horrible things done to you. How cruel would it be to say: “Well, if you’ve truly forgiven that person, you shouldn’t hurt anymore.” Sin hurts. Jesus said in this world we would have trouble

b) The only time the sting of sin will stop hurting is when Christ returns. That’s when all of our pain & tears will be wiped away. Sin, & the pain sin causes, will continue until  Christ returns & His kingdom comes in its fullness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean your pain will immediately go away.

c) Early in our marriage my wife & I had to learn how to fight. We had to learn how to communicate w/ 1 another when we disagreed or when 1 of us sinned against the other person. We came from different upbringings & saw & learned different ways to deal w/ conflict.

d) My way was to win at all costs. My way was to say or do whatever I had to do to win. So, I said some really horrible things to my wife. Still to this day, although she’s forgiven me, I know the pain is still there. I know if I say certain things it can re-open those real wounds & scars I caused.

4th Forgiveness is not neglecting justice.

a) Forgiveness is not the absence of consequences. You can forgive someone & still call the police & have them arrested if they committed a crime. You can forgive someone & still testify against them in court. Even though you forgive someone, that may not change the fact they broke the law.

b) That may not change the fact there are real consequences. See, when my kids were young & did something wrong, I would forgive them if they said I’m sorry. But forgiving them didn’t mean I might still punish them for their disobedience. Think about it in terms of our relationship w/ God.  

c) If I steal something, as a Christian if I confess & repent of that sin, the Lord will forgive me. But that doesn’t mean there won’t be any consequences. I may be required to face criminal punishment or pay restitution. Or think about the Biblical example we see w/ King David.

d) When he sinned by having an adulterous affair w/ Bathsheba, & then killed her husband Uriah to cover it up, although he confessed when Nathan confronted him, there were consequences. 2 Sam. 15 says the Lord afflicted David & Bathsheba’s child who became sick & died.

e) Some say: “if I forgive then there’s no justice?” But we believe justice comes ultimately from the Lord. Our forgiveness doesn’t mean they’re forgiven by God. They’ve not only sinned against you, but against God. If they remain unrepentant & apart from Jesus, 1 day they will stand before Him.

f) He will hold them accountable & justice will be rendered. Forgiveness isn’t neglecting justice, but it’s putting it in the hands of a perfect & righteous Judge who acts justly.

5th Forgiveness is not trusting.

a) Forgiveness has to do w/ the past. Forgiveness deals w/ what that person did to you. Trust has to do w/ the future. Forgiveness is given, but trust is earned. That person must show through their actions they are trustworthy. We all know: trust is built slowly & it’s lost quickly.

b) Trust is built & rebuilt over time. We are called to forgive, but that doesn’t mean we have to immediately trust that person. Just b/c I forgive a child molester doesn’t mean I now trust them to be alone w/ my children. Although you forgive that person, there may need to be boundaries.

c) Depending on the severity of the sin, you may have to set expectations, limits, conditions or even consequences if that action occurs again. We are to forgive as we have been forgiven. But trust is earned & fragile. When trust is broken, it’s ok for there to be boundaries to protect yourself.

d) You can fully forgive someone w/o fully trusting them. As we will see in a moment, forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily or immediately restore the relationship back to the same status it was at before. After betrayal, trust is not an automatic right of the offender.

e) Forgiveness does not mean you immediately allow the person back into your life the same way they were before. I have people in my life who I have forgiven, but I no longer trust b/c they have chosen to continue the same negative patterns that caused the offense or hurt in the 1st place.

6th Forgiveness is not forgetting.

a) This is 1 of the great Christian myths. Forgive & forget. The reality is you can’t. If someone is raped, molested, beaten or cheated on: you don’t just forget something like that. Now some appeal to the Bible & Isa. 43:24 where God promises: “I will not remember your sins.”

b) But when God says He “remembers your sins no more”, He’s not saying He forgets something. God is omniscient. He knows all things. He forgets nothing. It’s not like God is in heaven thinking: “Oh, I forgot a whole bunch of things.” If that were the case, He would cease to be God.

c) So what does it mean that God remembers our sin no more? It means God chooses not to treat us as if we’ve sinned. He chooses to see us & treat us based on who Jesus is & what He’s done for us. It means God chooses to see us as new creations in Christ. As forgiven sons & daughters in Christ.

d) He knows we have sinned, but He’s accepted His Son’s death as the sacrifice that takes away our sin. He knows we have sinned, but He now sees us as clothed w/ the very righteousness of His Son. But it’s not like God has no idea what you & I did yesterday or today. He forgets nothing.

e) Think about a counselor telling a rape victim: just forget it ever happened. That’s impossible. By God’s grace operating in us we can forgive, but that doesn’t mean we forget the sin & the pain it caused. Forgetting is a process in which something fades from memory over time.

f) Depending on the severity of the sin & pain it inflicted, that memory may leave a lasting wound & scar that can’t be wiped away until Christ returns. When God says He remembers your sins no more He’s promising to choose not to remember them or mention them or recount them.

g) When we forgive by God’s grace, we don’t forget, but we consciously decide not to think or talk about what that person has done to hurt us. That may require lots of effort, especially when sin & the pain from that sin is still fresh in your mind.

7th Forgiveness is not reconciliation.

a) It only takes 1 person to forgive. However, it takes 2 people to reconcile. That’s why Paul says in Rom. 12:18: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably w/ all.” We are to do our best to be at peace w/ everyone. We are to forgive as we’ve been forgiven. But it takes 2 to be reconcile

b) Think about a couple going through a divorce where both the husband & wife have sinned. If the wife sees & acknowledges her sin & asks the husband to forgive her – whether or not he accepts the apology – she has extended forgiveness. But if she wants to reconcile the marriage, it takes 2.

c) If the husband says: “I don’t think I did anything wrong & I don’t want to reconcile” - guess what - there will be no reconciliation. Jesus teaches us that we must forgive as we have been forgiven, but such forgiveness is an event that knocks down a wall that stands between you & the other person.

d) Then a process begins. This process is what the Bible calls reconciliation. It’s a process involving a change of attitude that leads to a change in the relationship. To be reconciled means to replace hostility & separation w/ peace & friendship. This may be a slow and difficult process

e) This is what Jesus had in mind when he said in Matt. 5:23-24, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar & there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar & go. 1st be reconciled to your brother, & then come & offer your gift.”

f) As Christians, we aren’t just to forgive 1 another, but to be reconciled to 1 another. That’s what Paul asked of Philemon & Onesimus. See, Philemon could’ve forgiven Onesimus, but it took Onesimus coming to him & being repentant for there to be reconciliation between them.  

g) It took both parties. Reconciliation requires that you give the repentant person an opportunity to demonstrate repentance & to regain your trust. This may be a slow and difficult process, especially when that person has consistently behaved in a hurtful & irresponsible manner.

So we’ve seen what forgiveness is not – so as we close: What is forgiveness?

a) John MacArthur says forgiveness is: “A promise to never take revenge. It is a verbally declared promise & a statement of love that affirms I hold no anger, hatred, or bitterness against you.” In this sense forgiveness has a 3-fold commitment. 1st, I won’t ever bring it up to you.

b) 2nd, I won’t ever bring it up to anyone else. And 3rd, I won’t ever bring it up to myself. No matter what you’ve done to me, no matter how you’ve offended me, to forgive is to make a promise not to constantly bring the sin up to the wrongdoer in order to punish them or cause them pain.

c) It’s a promise not to constantly bring the sin up to other people in order to hurt the wrongdoer’s reputation & relationship w/ others. And it’s a promise not to constantly bring the sin up to yourself. To replay the video of what they did & hold on to the anger of being treated unjustly.

d) To forgive is to reject vengeance & payback for the wrong. There’s a story of a woman who went to her pastor for advice on improving her marriage. The pastor asked what was going on. She said: “When we get into a fight my husband gets historical.” Her pastor said, “Do you mean hysterical?”

e) She replied: “I mean what I said. He keeps a mental record of everything I’ve ever done wrong & I get a history lesson!” Tragically, this scenario is all too common in not just marriages, but all kinds of relationships. Many keep a record of the wrong others have done & bring them up over & over.

f) But to forgive as God forgives us means to release them from the punishment or penalty their sin deserves. The Greek word that we translate into English as “forgive” means to let go, release, or remit. It often refers to debts that have been paid or canceled in full.

g) When someone sins against us, they create a debt. Most of this debt is owed to God. But God in His great mercy sent His Son to pay that debt on the cross for all who trust in Him. And if someone sinned against you, part of their debt is also owed to you. And that means we have a choice.

h) We can either demand payment of their debt & withhold forgiveness & dwell on their sin & inflict pain. Or, we can graciously release them from that debt as God has done for us. Such forgiveness is painful & will cost you something. It may involve fighting against painful memories.

i) But if you believe in Jesus, you have more than enough grace to make these payments. He paid your debt for your sin. In Christ, God releases you from the penalty of being separated from Him forever. He promises not to hold your sin against you, nor let them stand between you.

j) God tears down the wall that our sin built & He opens the way for a renewed relationship w/ Him. This is now what we are called to do.  To forgive our debtors as God forgave us. To forgive, not retaliate. To bear the cost, not exact it. To release the person who’s wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. To not punish them for their sin, but to forgive them of their sin.