Jesus is Greater Than Our Family Dynamics

Colossians 3:18–4:1 “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is your acceptable duty in the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, or they may lose heart. Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything, not only while being watched and in order to please them, but wholeheartedly, fearing the Lord. Whatever your task, put yourselves into it, as done for the Lord and not for your masters, since you know that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward; you serve the Lord Christ. For the wrongdoer will be paid back for whatever wrong has been done, and there is no partiality. Masters, treat your slaves justly and fairly, for you know that you also have a Master in heaven.”

Has there ever been a more divisive passage in all the Bible? Right now half the room is saying “heck yeah” and the other half is saying “over my dead body”.

Have you ever been a part of a family? They are a mess. I used to think that I had a normal family. Until I started comparing notes with others. Then I was surprised to learn that most mothers don’t nickname their child chickenshit.

Seriously, I was fortunate and blessed to have a loving family. My parents stayed married their whole lives. If they fought, they never did it in front of me. I never suffered the angst of wondering if my parents were going to divorce. My home was stable.

I thought that was everyone’s experience. It wasn’t until much later in life that I learned that one of my best friends had an abusive father. I always knew I never liked being around him, but I had no idea of what was going on behind closed doors. My friend never brought it up. Those things weren’t talked about in those days.

This morning, we’re looking at a section of scripture that’s called the household codes. They are guidelines for Christian family. Paul wrote about them here and and Ephesians. And Peter included them in one of his letters. The organization and well running of a household was an important thing in ancient times because it was understood that, as homes go, so goes society. It’s a lesson we need to relearn today.

I know that as we talk about God‘s idea for the family this morning that it will be a trigger for some of you, so I just want to acknowledge that from the start. Not all of us had the blessing of growing up in a loving and stable home.

For some of you this will trigger painful memories of your home life. Fights between your parents. An overly harsh parent. Possibly abandonment by one parent either physically or just mentally. And even possibly abuse that you suffered in the family. For some of you, family was not safe.

For some of you it may trigger emotions around your marriage. Either where you had to get out of a toxic marriage or you’re in a marriage that currently feels toxic at times, and you’ve begun to wonder if it’s worth fighting for.

And also just want to acknowledge that there are some who feel the pain of not having their desires for family met yet.

So family dynamics can be a source of pain, yet the message this morning is a hopeful one. That family - past, present, and future - can be redeemed in Jesus. But I also want to acknowledge and be sensitive to the very real pain that is caused by family.

The good news this morning is that Jesus is greater than your family dynamics.

Let’s pray...

Before we jump into the text, we have to get some context. There are two extremes that people have taken when interpreting passages like these. The first is to see it as evidence of God‘s plan for hierarchical male leadership for all time. Men are the boss; God said, I believe it, that settles it. At the other extreme are those who would say that this is purely a message in a cultural moment that doesn’t exist anymore and is therefore completely unapplicable to us today. Paul’s writings are patriarchal and outdated and should be ignored. I think both extremes are wrong. Let me say some things about what these household codes are not.

They do not justify the abusive male patriarchy that has been practiced in most of human history. Neither do they justify throwing off all order in the home.

If there is an order in the home, and we will get into that, they do not affirm that women are to submit to men in all cases and all times and all places. These are household codes. That’s why I see no problems with having women as elders or even lead pastors in a church, and certainly no problem with women working and pursuing careers outside the home if that’s their desire.

It does not offer moral justification to slavery. Slavery is evil, and it has always been evil. The slavery practiced in Paul’s day was very different than the chattel slavery of the 16th to 19th centuries, which was based on a supposition that one race was inferior or subhuman.

What these household codes are are:

A way to live as a family under the ultimate Lord ship of Jesus.

A way to live as a family that is mutually beneficial to all.

And a way in which our families can witness to the transforming power of Jesus.

Some have accused Paul of reinforcing an oppressive system. When you understand the context that Paul is writing in, you begin to see that what he says is actually liberating in Christ. So with all of that in our minds, let’s look specifically at the text.

Paul sees a household as consisting of three sets of relationships: that of husband/wife, parent/child, and master/slave. At first glance, this could look like any other household code that was common in his day. But two things makes his household instructions unique. First, he includes instructions for the male head of house. All other household codes only addressed those who were subservient to the male. But each time he addresses wives and children and slaves, also says “hold up guys, I’ve got something to say to you as well”. It’s hard for us to understand just how revolutionary this would’ve been in Paul’s day.

The other thing that makes his instructions unique - and uniquely Christian - is the inclusion throughout of 3 little words: in the Lord. At the center of the Christian household is Christ himself. The household ultimately does not exist for it’s own benefit, the marriage doesn’t exist for just the pleasure of each spouse. It exists to reflect the way of Jesus to a watching world where family is anything but beautiful and safe.

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So to husbands and wives he says…

Colossians 3:18–19 “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.”

In ancient times, men ruled their home as kings. They were the law, and they could do whatever they wanted to pretty much anyone in the home with complete impunity. No one had any rights but the male head of house.

As an example of the prevailing mindset, look at a comment regarding households by Aristotle: “Of household management we have seen that there are three parts—one is the rule of a master over slaves… another of a father, and the third of a husband. A husband and father rules over wife and children, both free, but the rule differs, the rule over his children being a royal, over his wife a constitutional rule. For although there may be exceptions to the order of nature, the male is by nature fitter for command than the female, just as the older and full-grown is superior to the younger and more immature…”

Or this from Josephus: “The woman, says the Law, is in all things inferior to the man. Let her accordingly be submissive, not for her humiliation, but that she may be directed; for the authority has been given by God to the man.”

Wow. The consensus in these ancient household codes is that a man is justified in ruling over his household because his wives, slaves, and children are by nature his inferiors. The purpose of the codes was to reinforce the goodness and importance of this hierarchal familial structure which held together the very fabric of society.  BTW - the law says no such thing.

Paul would agree that the family structure - especially marriage - holds together the fabric of society, but he adds a twist in the word that is translated “submit”. This word carries a lot of baggage today that it didn’t have back then. Today the word means something more like subservience. It assumes that one party is the inferior and one the superior. But in Paul’s day, when used in the middle voice, it actually would read “Wives, give your submission to your husbands…”. In other words, this kind of submission called for is voluntary. It is between two equals. It is not based upon some idea that the male is naturally more deserving of authority or even more qualified for authority. It is purely so that the home can have some sort of order.

Every organization must have a leader. Even organizations that claim to have no leader, if you observe them long enough, you discover there is a de facto leader. Leadership is a good thing. Order is a good thing. God is a God of order and not chaos. And so he wants our homes to be places that are ordered so that they can function well and fulfill their divine purpose.

But here is where the key difference is. He also gives instructions for what this looks like for the husband. If the wife is to voluntarily submit to her husband‘s leadership in the home, the husband‘s responsibility goes farther. Paul explains this in more detail in Ephesians, but the ultimate responsibility of a husband is loving sacrifice. There is no vision in the New Testament of leadership for its own benefit. If Jesus is our perfect example of a leader, then what we see is that leaders sacrifice themselves for the good of others and so that others may thrive. Leadership in scripture is always downward oriented, not upward. If you want to be a leader, learn to love washing feet.

This kind of leadership is what Jesus demonstrated, and that Paul writes about, in Philippians 2. That Christ did not regard his equality with God as something to hold onto, but rather he came under submission to the father‘s plan and humbled himself to the point of death. This is the model of leadership in scripture. It is the model of what Christian leadership in the home should look like and honestly, it is the model of what all leadership in any capacity should look like.

Sadly, Paul does not give you an out if your partner isn’t performing well. He doesn’t say wives only need to submit if your husband is being a loving leader. And he doesn’t say husbands only need to love your wives if they are being submissive. Both parties in the home are called upon to live out their discipleship to Jesus, regardless of what the other party does. But, when both husband and wife in a home give themselves in mutual submission to the other, then something truly beautiful happens.

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Then Paul addresses the parent/child relationship.

Colossians 3:20–21 “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is your acceptable duty in the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, or they may lose heart.”

The instructions for children would be the same as in any household code: Children obey your parents. In this case, the word translated obey means exactly that. Children should obey their parents as the authority figures that have been given to them during this period called childhood.

Again, what makes this household code uniquely Christian is what comes next. Paul gives guidelines to fathers. Not mothers btw. Fathers, do not provoke your children. That word means that father should not do anything that makes their children resentful. Remember, in Paul’s day and in Roman culture in general, children were mostly seen as a nuisance. Especially girl children. They were seen as a liability to the family, as were third or fourth sons. And so fathers often ignored their children, abused their children, and in many cases, even exposed their children to the elements so that they would die. If you want to know why almost everyone today would see that kind of parenting as repugnant, it is because of this scripture. The gospel of Jesus transforms fatherhood.

Paul is not saying that women are incapable of raising children well or must have a man. The world is full of examples of single moms who are heroic parents. His point is that they shouldn’t have to do it alone. Our nation is suffering under a pandemic of absentee fathers. The gospel of Jesus calls dad‘s to stick it out when it’s hard and to sacrifice themselves for the sake of their children.

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Finally, Paul addresses the third relationship in households, that of master and slave.

Colossians 3:22–4:1 “Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything, not only while being watched and in order to please them, but wholeheartedly, fearing the Lord. Whatever your task, put yourselves into it, as done for the Lord and not for your masters, since you know that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward; you serve the Lord Christ. For the wrongdoer will be paid back for whatever wrong has been done, and there is no partiality. Masters, treat your slaves justly and fairly, for you know that you also have a Master in heaven.”

We pastors sometimes try to use this text to teach about how employees should relate to employers. Maybe some principles could be drawn here, but it’s really not about boss/employee relationships. It’s about slaves and masters. We have to acknowledge here that Paul is writing for his time. Slavery was an established institution in the Roman Empire. Paul was not going to be able to do anything to change that. What he does is offer a way forward that will eventually dismantle the institution in time. It’s been rightly said that in the gospel is the seed of abolition, and that’s true, for if a slave is a brother or sister in the Lord, how could you possible continue to own them as property.

As usual, his household code begins with the responsibility of the slave. Keep in mind that in a household, everyone practices the faith of the household leader. Paul is writing to Christian households, so the assumption is that any slave is also a follower of Jesus. And so Paul elaborates on what it looks like to follow Jesus as a slave, including obeying what their master tells them as if they were obeying the Lord himself. To do their work as if they were doing the work for the Lord. And that is the reward that they would receive. He ultimately reframes their slavery as slavery to Christ, which is actually how all followers of Jesus should see themselves. Paul places Christian masters on the same level as Christian slaves.

Again, what makes Paul’s instructions unique is that he also speaks to masters. Because the slaves in your household are also brothers and sisters in the Lord, you are obligated to treat them justly and fairly knowing that you also have a master over you.

Paul is not condoning slavery. He is reframing it around the gospel. You could see this more clearly if you read his short letter to Philemon where he is sending back an escape slave named Onesimus. Paul is very clear about how Onesimus should be received back into Philemon’s household.

Paul’s point is that the gospel transforms even this lowest level of household dynamics. Jesus is truly greater than our family dynamics.

———————————————————————— Ok, so we hear all this, and maybe we feel more informed and less uptight about it. But what practical difference does it make when we wake up tomorrow morning? Here are some takeaways:

Jesus is greater than your old family dynamics. If your family or origin was not a safe place, if one of your parents were abusive, if one of your parents abandoned you, you are not bound to repeat that pattern. Three little words - in the Lord - changes everything about family.

Our families role is to make Jesus known

As ppl look at our present family dynamic they should see how Jesus brings transformation.

Jesus can heal families in crisis Give your family of origin to God

Thank God where you can see that your parents did the best they knew how to do, and then release the rest of it to the Lord.