Sitting By Myself – The Fear of Being Alone

Middle School & Justin Bieber

I love music—listening to it, singing along, and yes, the shower acoustics make me feel like a superstar. I love dancing to it too. Shout out to David and Kaitlynn Pontius, who got married last weekend—amazing wedding, and I especially loved dancing with my kids. My almost-2-year-old Micah even busted moves when September by Earth, Wind & Fire came on. Great taste in music.

One of the things I love most about music is how it can take you back to a specific time in life. Want to remember setting up the Christmas tree and baking Pfeffernusse cookies? Michael W. Smith’s Jingle Bells. Want to relive the day Kali and I got married? Perfect by Ed Sheeran. And if you want to take me back to sixth grade…well, you need to play Baby by Justin Bieber. Was I a Belieber? The world will never know. But this song defined our class—Billboard hit, most-viewed video on YouTube, dozens of awards, two Grammys, and even Time named him one of the world’s most influential people in 2011.

Justin Bieber reached the top of success. He was known by everyone. And yet, in 2021 he released Lonely. Listen to some of what he says in this song (don’t worry—I’m not singing it):

Everybody knows my name now. But somethin' 'bout it still feels strange. Like lookin' in a mirror, tryna steady yourself. And seein' somebody else. And everything is not the same now. It feels like all our lives have changed. Maybe when I'm older, it'll all calm down. But it's killin' me now. What if you had it all. But nobody to call?. Maybe then you'd know me.’ Cause I've had everything. But no one's listening. And that's just lonely. I'm so lonely.

Despite all the fame, popularity, and everyone knowing his name, Justin Bieber was lonely. Today, we continue our Lunchroom series with “Sitting By Myself – The Fear of Being Alone.” And when I say alone, I don’t just mean not having people around. Justin was constantly surrounded by people—people who loved him and sang his praises—and yet he still felt utterly alone. Loneliness can be just as present in a crowd of people as it can in isolation.

Loneliness in Genesis

That’s because loneliness isn’t just a social problem—the fix isn’t just surrounding yourself with people. But the deeper longing that is found within loneliness is this desire to be truly known by another person. I think back to the very beginning in Genesis. After creating the world, God declares everything good. What’s the first thing He says is not good? Loneliness.

Genesis 2:18 NLT

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”

So all of the animals were brought to Adam for him to name them, but Scripture says that none of them were a suitable helper for him. It isn’t until God creates the woman that Adam cries out,

Genesis 2:23 NLT

“At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’ ”

What made the woman different from the animals? Why couldn’t the animals solve Adam’s loneliness? Because loneliness is more than wanting company—it’s a longing to be truly known. Adam longed for someone who could understand him at the deepest level, and that’s what Eve brought. That’s what each one of us is longing for.

Our World’s Struggle with Loneliness

The problem is that many technological inventions meant to make life easier have also isolated us and fueled loneliness. Take the washing machine: it saved hours of labor but eliminated communal spaces where people gathered to wash clothes. The automobile lets us travel farther, but replaced communities walking together to work. Social media connects us like never before, yet often prioritizes superficial online interactions over the relationships right in front of us.I was reminded of this recently. After a long day, I plopped on the couch and mindlessly scrolled social media. Fifteen minutes later, I looked at my little Naomi playing by herself. What does it communicate when dad comes home and immediately picks up his phone? That my relationship with this device matters more than my relationship with her. I’m not anti-phone or anti-social media, but we have to ask: is our connection with “this” isolating us from the people God has placed right in front of us? At the end of life, which will you wish more: that you spent more time scrolling on social media, or that you spent more time investing in those relationships that matter most? The default in our world is surface-level connection, which makes loneliness the default. If we want to escape it, we need to live differently.

This brings us to the end of 2 Timothy, a letter Paul wrote to his young friend Timothy. This is the same Paul we studied in Romans—the man transformed on the road to Damascus, who became one of the most influential followers of Jesus, planting churches across Asia Minor and Greece. He faced beatings, floggings, stonings, and shipwrecks, yet now he confronts perhaps his greatest challenge: imprisoned under Nero, awaiting death. He is physically alone, and yet, in his last words, we see a man who is not lonely. In 2 Timothy 4, Paul shows us three ways loneliness can be overcome, even when we feel utterly alone.

Loneliness is Overcome Through Vulnerability

The first thing Paul shows us is that Loneliness is Overcome Through Vulnerability. Listen to how Paul begins this ending to his letter:

2 Timothy 4:9–13 NLT

Timothy, please come as soon as you can. Demas has deserted me because he loves the things of this life and has gone to Thessalonica. Crescens has gone to Galatia, and Titus has gone to Dalmatia. Only Luke is with me. Bring Mark with you when you come, for he will be helpful to me in my ministry. I sent Tychicus to Ephesus. When you come, be sure to bring the coat I left with Carpus at Troas. Also bring my books, and especially my papers.

Notice Paul’s vulnerability. He’s basically saying, “Timothy, please hurry. I am physically struggling—bring my coat. I am emotionally struggling—I need your presence. I am not okay.” How hard it is to admit those words: I am not okay. Why are we so afraid? Often because we’ve built our identity on having it all together or on how others see us.

We’re confronted with the idol of self-sufficiency—our Western obsession with independence, with “doing everything on our own.” That’s not biblical. You weren’t made to be self-sufficient; you were made for dependence—on God and on others. You were created for relationships where people truly know what’s going on in your life: sharing struggles in high school, walking through marital hardships, confessing sins you’ve been battling.

If the solution to loneliness isn’t just being surrounded by people, but really being known, then we have to be willing to let people in. You might have hundreds of Facebook friends or thousands of Instagram followers—but here’s the question: Who are the five people in your life who know the deepest struggles of your heart and walk with you through them? Who encourage you, pray for you, and hold you accountable? Overcoming loneliness requires a willingness to be vulnerable with others.

Loneliness is Overcome through Building Bridges

The second way Paul shows us how loneliness is overcome is through building bridges. Not every relationship in Paul’s life was easy. We already heard about Demas who deserted Paul for the things of this world, but Paul goes on to say,

2 Timothy 4:14–16 NLT

Alexander the coppersmith did me much harm, but the Lord will judge him for what he has done. Be careful of him, for he fought against everything we said. The first time I was brought before the judge, no one came with me. Everyone abandoned me. May it not be counted against them.

Persecution. Abandonment. Relational struggles. Yet notice how Paul responds. Does he fight back? Lash out? Build walls? No. He says of Alexander the coppersmith, “He did me much harm, but the Lord will judge him.” Of those who abandoned him: “May it not be counted against them.” Paul leaves vengeance to the Lord, pursuing forgiveness and reconciliation wherever possible—building bridges instead of walls.

Right now, our world seems obsessed with walls. People on every side of the political spectrum say, “If you believe this, unfriend me. Get out of my life.” I’ve even seen it in churches: “If your church doesn’t say this or that, find a new one.” The default today is to isolate, divide, and cut off.

But Jesus wasn’t a wall builder. Listen to His radical words in Luke 6:

Luke 6:27 NLT

“But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you.

and he goes on to say

Luke 6:32–33 NLT

“If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much!

One of the clearest signs of being transformed into Jesus’ likeness isn’t how we love those who agree with us, but how we love those who are different—even those we might call enemies. Jesus commands this love because building walls leads to isolation. Healthy boundaries have their place, but if your default is to cut people off when things get hard, loneliness will only grow. Look around: our world struggles to see beyond disagreements and love across differences. Loneliness is overcome when our default is to build bridges, not walls.

Loneliness is Overcome through God’s Presence

But these first two points, pale in comparison to the last thing Paul reveals to us, and that is the ultimate place that loneliness is overcome. Through God’s presence. Paul is finishing up his letter. One of the last things we hear him say before the end of his life. After all of the hardship. All of the abandonment. And yet, he is not lonely. Paul proclaims boldly

2 Timothy 4:17–18 NLT

But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength so that I might preach the Good News in its entirety for all the Gentiles to hear. And he rescued me from certain death. Yes, and the Lord will deliver me from every evil attack and will bring me safely into his heavenly Kingdom. All glory to God forever and ever! Amen.

Notice those words of certainty: “The Lord will deliver me” “He will bring me safely into his kingdom.” Why can Paul be so sure that will not forsake him? That he will not abandon him like everyone else has? Because Paul has the gospel and what Jesus did at the cross on the forefront of his mind. When Jesus went to the cross, he endured much darkness, and yet none more dark than what can be seen in his cry,

Mark 15:34 NLT

Then at three o’clock Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” which means “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?”

Jesus lived His entire life in the presence and love of the Father. He said, “The Father is with me” and “I am in the Father and the Father is in me.” Yet at the cross, Jesus bore the punishment that was ours—the wrath of God. And while we often think of God’s wrath as fire or torture, the darkest part of what Jesus endured was true loneliness: complete separation. Jesus is not deaf to the loneliness that you feel, for what you feel is just a taste of what Jesus endured in full on the cross. And He did it so that you could be reconciled to God—so that, like Paul, you could have certainty that you will never be forsaken. If the antidote to loneliness is being fully known by another, then the gospel drives out loneliness because the one who knows you completely—your good, your bad, your ugly—has chosen you, loves you, and will never abandon you. You may sit alone at the lunch table. You may feel alone in a crowd. But you are not alone. The Lord is with you.

As we head into our next song, written by our own Nate Saban for this series, I want to speak the words of Psalm 139 over you: this is the God who is with you!