Spilled My Tray - The Fear of Shame

The Fumble

[Walk and grab tray, but proceed to spill it all.]

Spilled My Tray - The Fear of Shame. There’s no worse feeling than when your mistake, your failure is put on display for everyone to see. For me, that was my junior year of high school. I mentioned at the beginning of this Lunchroom series that when I entered high school, I so wanted to belong. Well, I found that belonging through my success as a football player. Little Danny started lifting weights and put on a good amount of muscle, and it was my junior year of high school football where things took off. I was starting at running back behind in incredible offensive line. Our team went 9-2 and made the playoffs.

And then things only got bigger. We beat Aspen 49-14 in the first round, Gunnison 48-0 in the quarterfinals, and then traveled to #1 seed Brush — and upset them 24-14 to clinch a spot in the State Championship. Through those three playoff games, I had rushed for 667 yards and 7 touchdowns. I felt like the most popular guy in school. Reporters were interviewing me. The local newspaper was writing articles about me. All eyes were on me as we headed to the biggest football game of my life: the State Championship against Platte Valley.

It was a tight game that was back and forth. I was having a pretty good game — 150 yards and a touchdown. But it all came down to the end of the fourth quarter. We were down by a few points, driving toward the end zone, inching closer to what could be the game-winning score — the moment that could define my sports career.

And then this happens.

[Video]

I fumbled. I lost us the game. I cost us the State Championship. It is hard to explain how awful I felt in that moment. You might think, “Come on, Daniel. It’s one play. That doesn’t change the great season that you had.” Except it did. That one play shifted how I viewed myself. Because no longer was I the MVP running back. I was the guy who cost his team the state championship - who failed on the biggest stage. And I’ll never forget walking into the lunchroom that Monday after the state championship. The looks. The feelings of judgement. The shame.

We are going to explore this fear of shame today, and specifically the darkness of public shame, the deception of hiding shame, and the light that redeems shame.

1. The Darkness of Public Shame

My own experience of shame came from a football game. I made a mistake—a bad play—but it wasn’t a moral failure. It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever done. But what happens when the worst part of you is put on display for everyone to see? When it’s public?

We saw something like this a few months ago with the scandal caught on the kiss cam at a Coldplay concert. Two high-profile people, caught in an affair, exposed in front of thousands—and millions more seeing it on social media. The shame of being publicly judged, mocked, and shared for all the world to see… it’s unimaginable.

I doubt many of us have experienced shame on that level. But the woman in John 8 could relate.

John 8:3–5 NLT

As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd. “Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”

If anyone could relate to the shame that couple at the Coldplay concert experienced, it would be this woman. Caught in an affair. Dragged into the temple of all places. The house of worship. And she is put in front of the crowd. And for everyone to hear, the religious leaders say, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?” Now there is something off about what is going on. The religious leaders are right in that Leviticus 20:10 says,

Leviticus 20:10 NLT

“If a man commits adultery with his neighbor’s wife, both the man and the woman who have committed adultery must be put to death.

Now, this passage may seem extreme in our ultra-sexualized culture. But it’s not just about punishment—it shows the deep harm sexual sin causes and how seriously God takes it. This woman was living in a way that was bringing great harm on herself.

And yet, notice who is missing: the man in the affair. Where is he? Why wasn’t he brought forward? Was it the male-dominated culture, or a set-up to trap her? Either way, the religious leaders weren’t seeking justice—they wanted to humiliate her.

The same impulse drives our world today. Think of the Coldplay scandal: the rush to retweet, mock, and judge. Why do people love shaming others? Because often, those who are loudest in judgment are wrestling with the deepest shame themselves. Our world is full of people isolated in the darkness of their own shame, and the only way relief they can find is to cast shame and judgement on others to make themselves feel a little better.

2. The Deception of Hiding Shame

And this is where we get to our second point: The Deception of Hidden Shame. The only difference between those casting judgement on the couple at the Coldplay concert and the couple being judged is that everyone else has been able to keep their worst mistake still hidden. Right? Imagine for a moment that was you. The worst thing you have ever said, thought, done - put on a screen for the entire world to see. To mock. To judge. I am guessing that the thought of that is not just unsettling, but terrifying. We will go to great lengths to keep others from seeing that worst part about us. That fear drives us to craft perfect social media profiles, cover up mistakes, hide sin. Because that’s what shame does. The fear of shame always leads to hiding.

You think about in the very beginning, Adam and Eve rebel against God. They eat of the fruit. And notice what happens next:

Genesis 3:7–8 NLT

At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the Lord God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the Lord God among the trees.

Shame always will drive you into hiding. Into isolation. Because we think we are safe there. “If I can just hide those worst parts about me. If I can just point people to the worst parts of others, then I will be safe. And yet, this is the deception of hiding shame. The very thing that we think will bring us safety is keeping us trapped in the darkness of our brokenness. And we see this with how Jesus responds to the the religious leaders and this woman who they have brought before him. Our reading continues:

John 8:6–9 NLT

They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust. When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman.

Jesus doesn’t stone the woman. He doesn’t condemn her. In fact, he doesn’t say anything. Instead, as the accusation

When Jesus looked around, he saw a whole crowd of broken sinners. Nothing was hidden.

3. The Light that Redeems Shame

John 8:10–12 NLT

Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” “No, Lord,” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.” Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.”

Psalm 34:5 NLT

Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

Favorite Sunday of the year is Minnesota Adult and Teen Challenge.