Session 1: Marriage: Harder but Better.
Notes
Transcript
Welcome
Good evening,
I wanna welcome you all the Meaning of Marriage conference.
In case you don’t know, my name is Zach,
and I’m one of the pastors here at Eagles Nest Church,
and so on behalf of the church,
I wanna thank you all for coming tonight.
I know our schedules get very busy, very fast,
but I wanna commend you all for making your marriage a priority and joining us for this special event.
Now, some basic logistics as we begin.
If you didn’t get a notebook when you came in,
be sure to run and grab one.
I will be showing slides,
but the notes have more information for you, along with interactive fill-in the blanks,
That are there to help prevent you from day dreaming…
Right inside the notebook we have the schedule for this evening and tomorrow,
And tomorrow starts with coffee and pastries at 8 am,
and a lunch break at noon.
Each session is around 45 minutes long,
and at the end we’ll try to include time for Q&A.
So feel free to write your questions down as you think of them,
and bring them up during the Q&A time.
But please do try to keep the questions short and to the point :)
The lectures aren’t largely based on a book that radically changed my marriage,
which is by Tim and Kathy Keller called: “The Meaning of Marriage.”
and not only do I think this is one of the best books out there on marriage,
but I’ve seen how it’s changed my own marriage.
See, I’ve married for over 20 years,
I got married when I was 20,
and my wife was 19…
And I say this with full permission and agreement here…
but we were total idiots when it came to marriage.
We literally had no clue what a godly marriage looked like,
and we really thought that were so “In Love” that a great marriage would just come naturally.
And guess we discovered…
We were idiots…
Mostly me… mostly me…
But we really had no clue what God’s plan and purpose for marriage was.
And it wasn’t until we began to understand what God’s plan & purpose are for marriage,
that our marriage really began to improve.
Not over night…
But steadily in the right direction.
So much so, that I can stand here tonight and say, that by God’s grace I have a good and happy marriage.
Not perfect one…. for no marriage is.
But a good one, that I believe is on it’s way to being a great way.
So the way this conference is going to work, might feel a little different that other conferences you’ve been to.
Most books on marriage and conferences on marriage are about offering practical advice for handling impersonal conflict,
and navigating the relational challenges of Marriage.
And all of that is really good and helpful…
BUT I’m convinced, it’s only helpful if you have a sure foundation to build upon.
So tonight we are building that foundation.
We are gonna look at the opening chapters of Genesis and Ephesians 5 and see what God’s PLAN and PURPOSE are for marriage.
This might feel heavy on the theology side of things,
and it is.
But that’s because we are laying a foundation here to build upon.
So yes, we will get really practical,
but we can’t start there.
But tomorrow WE WILL get there.
We will… you didn’t sign up for a seminary class.
So if it feels heavy on the theology side of things tonight,
that’s on purpose.
So just bear with me here,
because it will absolutely pay off.
Tonight’s first sessions is titled “Marriage: Harder but Better.
and we’ll see why marriage is both harder and better than our culture imagines,
and expose some of the false views we easily believe and lay the gospel as the true foundation.
Session 2 explains how the gospel provides both the pattern and the power for marriage,
and it calls husbands and wives to Spirit-filled love and submission.
Prayer
SESSION 1: Marriage: Harder but Better.
VIDEO - Frozen “Love at First Sight”
Well there you have it.
“Love at first sight”
“I’ve been searching my whole life to find my own place”
But with you I’ve found my place”
“We don’t have to feel the pain of the past anymore.”
because “Love is an open door”
And so “Life can be so much more!”
As we “finish each other’s sandwiches”
It’s catchy. It’s cute.
And it’s not true.
Not even a little bit.
We live in a culture that is obsessed with terms like “soul mate.”
Someone perfectly compatible with whom we will “live happily ever after.”
But this idea, which is called romanticism, and it’s ridiculously unrealistic,
Because no two people are perfectly compatible.
Which is why expecting a fairy‑tale fit sets us up for shock and disappointment.
But if we think this way,
when real life breaks in, we will start to wonder:
“Did I marry the wrong person?”
“Maybe we aren’t truly compatible?”
which leads to unmet expectations, disappointment, and eventually resentment.
So instead of basing our hopes on Disney-like Romanticism,
we need a firmer foundation for marriage.
So what is the firm foundation that will enable you to build your marriage on solid ground?
Well, it’s this…
As the old hymn goes:
When through fiery trials, thy pathway shall lie,
My grace all-sufficient will be thy supply.
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
I just mentioned:
Most marriage books and seminars focus on tools.
communication techniques, conflict tips, schedules, checklists.
Some of that helps,
but I’m convinced what couples most need is a biblical vision of marriage.
because that alone keeps us from idolizing marriage and prevents us from playing non‑stop whack‑a‑mole with problems.
If you get the vision right, many skills fall into place
I believe the firm foundation from marriage is found in both the Old and New Testaments,
because it’s teachings on sex, gender, and marriage are brilliantly profound.
In the Bible we find where marriage comes from and why it exists.
It was invented by God and it exists for the welfare of of humanity.
Marriage did not evolve in the late Bronze Age as a way to determine property rights.
Instead, as we see in Genesis,
God brought a man and a woman together to unite them in marriage.
In a way, you could say the Bible is all about weddings.
Because the Bible both begins with and ends with a wedding.
First, the wedding of Adam to his wife Eve,
and then the wedding of Jesus Christ to His church.
Which tells us that God cares very much about marriage.
And it means marriage is God’s idea.
He knows how it works best.
And to ignore Him is like putting the wrong fuel in a diesel engine:
You can try, but the results are costly.
OK, but what if you don’t believe God invented marriage
or that the Bible is fully trustworthy in what it says on marriage?
Well if that’s the case, then I would ask you to hear me out.
Give it a try - test it to see if it holds up or not.
Because I’ve seen non‑Christians respond with surprise at how practical and penetrating the Bible’s teaching on marriage is.
OK, so when it comes to marriage, we all approach it with a lens,
and that lens shapes our understanding and expectation of marriage.
For instance, if you grew up in a strong, loving home, you might expect marriage to be easy
But if you think that,
you’ll feel blindsided when conflict comes.
Or, if you grew up in a broken home, you might assume disappointment is inevitable
which will lead you to give up too quickly.
This is why we need the Bible, because it cuts through both lenses.
It speaks with authority to all people, in all times, in all places.
It critiques both ancient and modern cultures with incredible brilliance!
Take polygamy for example.
Though it was widely practiced in the ancient world,
the Bible consistently exposes the misery and the havoc it brings to family life.
In the New Testament world, “free love” was normal,
yet the apostles called the church to a lifelong, exclusive covenant between one man and one woman
and while also showing that singleness as a noble calling.
The point is, the Bible Scripture corrects every culture and every heart.
When it comes to marriage,
I always point people first to two passages in the Bible that are intimately connected:
Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5.
In those chapters we find God’s basic blueprint for marriage,
We find what it’s for and how it works best.
In Ephesians 5, Paul writes:
31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
When it comes to marriage,
It’s anything but sentimentality.
And sadly, we find this even at church weddings,
and sometimes what is taught in many Sunday Schools fits better on the back of Hallmark card than it does with the Bible.
Marriage is a lot of things,
but the one thing it isn’t, is sentimental.
Yes, marriage is glorious - but it’s also hard.
Yes, marriage brings great joy and happiness
but it also brings blood, sweat, and tears,
that are full of humbling defeats and exhausting victories.
This is why I often tell couples,
“Marriage is the closest Christians get to both heaven and hell in this life.”
Because it’s absolutely true!
The peaks are high;
but the valleys are low.
Anyone who’s been married longer than a few weeks never says:
“Disney was right! Marriage is a fairy tale come true!”
Now, even though marriage is certainly hard,
it’s still wonderful.
there is no human relationship like it,
and there is no human relationship that is greater or more important than marriage.
And the book of Genesis shows us this.
In Genesis chapter 2, we find that God Himself officiates the first wedding.
Adam names the animals and finds no true companion.
Then he sees Eve and breaks into poetry: “At last!”
(Or, in my loose paraphrase: “Hubba hubba!”)
He’s completely blown away!
Now, Marriage is certainly wonderful.
But it is also difficult,
which is why marriage has declined in our culture.
For example, studies show that the divorce rate is nearly doubled since 1960.
It’s now close to 50%.
Also, in 1970, 89% of all births were to married parents,
but today only 60 percent are.
72 percent of American adults were married in 1960,
but today only 51% are.
so without a doubt,
marriage is on the decline.
And this is especially true for younger adults.
They believe their chances of having a good marriage are not great,
and even if they do get married and it’s good,
they believe it won’t last and will eventually become sexually boring.
This is why the comedian Chris Rock once asked:
“Do you want to be single and lonely or married and bored?”
And sadly, many young adults believe these are the only two options,
which is why many of them aim for something in the middle between marriage and one-night-stands.
Which is cohabitation,
or living together with a sexual partner.
Today, 75% of people live together before they are married,
whereas in 1960, almost no one did.
And why?
For several reasons.
1. is the assumption that most marriages are unhappy - and who wants to sign up for unhappiness?
2. the belief that living together before you marry improves your chances of making a good marriage choice,
because you can find out whether you’re truly compatible or not.
You can do a test run to see if theirs lasting “chemistry”
and if that other person can truly keep your interests.
But here’s the problem with this:
every single one of these beliefs and assumptions are just flat out wrong.
because the studies CONCLUSIVELY show that those who live together before marriage are MUCH more likely to break up after marriage.
in fact, some studies show that if you live together before marriage,
your chance of divorce increases from 50 to up to 75%!
which means that the cure is worse than the disease.
Now, while it’s true that 50% of marriages end in divorce,
by far, the greatest percentage of divorces happen to:
those who marry before the age of eighteen,
to people who have dropped out of high school,
or had a baby together before marrying.
Which means:
if you’re a reasonably well-educated person with a decent income,
come from a family where your parents are still married,
and attend church regularly,
your chances of of divorce are very, very low.
VERY LOW!
Another wrong idea that many people have is that you need to be financially stable to marry.
But again, this just isn’t true!
The research shows us that people who were in long-term marriages had 75% more wealth at retirement than those who never married or divorced.
Did you know that married men make on average 10-40 percent more money than single men do with similar education and job histories?
So there’s no question about it - it pays to be married.
And think about it practically.
What’s most cost effective?
2 people paying for their own apartment, or 2 people paying for 1 apartment?
The main reason that marriage pays financially is because it pays personally.
It makes you a better person that you would have become otherwise.
And… it also serves as a “Shock Absorber” that helps you better deal with disappointments, illnesses, and other life difficulties.
But it also results in better personal accountability.
Because the studies show that spouses hold one another to greater levels of personal responsibility
and self-discipline than friends or family members can.
This is why so many young single adults who are making 6 figure incomes are still broke,
because they waste their money.
One recent example of this is millennials who order DoorDash food deliver twice a day!
No wonder they are broke…
Despite the benefits of marriage making us a better person,
marriage is still often viewed as oppressive and restrictive.
It inhibits personal freedom and autonomy,
which is bad, bad, bad!
But this isn’t true,
because deep down, we know absolute freedom is TERRIBLE for us…
and I can prove this to you with a simple test.
If you have young children, allow them to pick the meals for the next week and see what happens…
Because you’re going to be utterly sick of ice cream and candy by the end of that week!
So yes, 50% of marriages end in divorce,
but around 62% of marriages say they are very happy in their marriages.
AND,
this is wild…
because longterm studies show that two-thirds of unhappy marriages out there will become happy within 5 years if they stay married and do not get divorced!
That’s huge!
Because it means,
If you just stay married,
you have incredibly high chance of having a good and happy marriage!
This is why the University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite concluded:
“The benefits of divorce have been oversold.”
Not only does marriage have the REAL possibility of increasing your personally happiness.
But it also greatly increases the happiness of children.
In fact, studies have shown that children who are raised with both parents
have 2-3 times more positive life-outcomes that those who’s parents divorce.
Which is just another reason why marriage is such a good thing!
So if the benefits of marriage are undeniable,
why are so many people giving up on it?
I think it’s because we have failed to understand what marriage actually is and what it’s for.
Legal scholar John Witte, Jr., says that
the earlier “ideal of marriage as a permanent contractual union designed for the sake of mutual love, procreation, and protection is slowly giving way to a new reality of marriage as a ‘terminal sexual contract’ designed for the gratification of the individual parties.”
Basically, the difference here is going from viewing marriage as a covenant to a contract.
Instead of finding meaning through self-denial, giving up one’s freedoms, and binding oneself to the duties of marriage and family,
marriage was redefined as finding emotional and sexual fulfillment.
But that’s NOT the purpose of marriage….
Marriage isn’t primarily about YOU, it’s about other people.
But in our culture that worships individualism,
we tend to see anything that puts restrictions on us as bad.
But think about it,
What in life that’s worth doing doesn’t require any kind of restrictions?
CONCERT PIANISTS VIDEO
If you want to become a concert pianists, what are you going to have to do?
You’re going to have to put restrictions on yourself…
You’re going to discipline yourself by saying no to watching movies or going out with friends so you can spend that time practicing.
And if you don’t,
you’ll never become a great pianist.
And the same is true of marriage.
This change is a HUGE change in our view of marriage…
Marriage used to be a public institution for the common good,
and now it is a private arrangement for the satisfaction of the individuals.
Marriage used to be about us,
but now it’s about me.
which puts a crushing burden on marriage that destroys it.
So, let me ask you.
QUESTION
Why do most people fall in love with someone and get married?
Physically attracted
sexual chemistry
shared interests
But here’s my question:
Are any of these things a solid enough foundation to enable your marriage to go the distance?
I don’t think so…
Which is why we need something else.
Physical attraction, chemistry, shared interests…
Those are fine, but they can’t support the weight of marriage over a lifetime.
Looks change,
interests shift,
kids move out,
and health wobbles.
So if your foundation is chemistry or hobbies or even children,
your marriage is in big trouble!
When marriage get hard,
what do tend to do?
we desperately try to change our spouse.
Why?
For selfless motives?
Not usually,
usually it’s for selfish motives.
The motive isn’t for the other person’s good, but for our own!
But if you ask a lot of people in our culture about this,
they’ll tell you that trying to change a person is what makes marriage terrible.
Which is why a lot of guys in our culture describe marriage compatibility as:
“finding a woman who will fit into their life.”
“Someone who won’t try to change you,”
“because that’s what it means to be truly compatible.”
But I say:
“show me one person who doesn’t need to change?”
Who among us has arrived at perfection?
The answer is: “No one!”
We ALL need changing,
And marriage is a major way that helps us do that
But only if it’s done with the right motive and in the right manner.
This idea that no one should have to change in marriage is not only a stupid idea,
but it’s a new idea.
Because traditionally, in the past,
Men entered marriage knowing it would mean a great deal of change for themselves and their spouse.
This is why many cultures view marriage as a way of “civilizing men.”
But what does Hollywood say about this?
Do they glorify men who sacrifice themselves for their spouse and children?
No…
They glorify men like James Bond who refuse to commit to one woman in marriage.
They celebrate and revere men who sleep with women and are always on the lookout for a better partner.
And this kind of thinking has corrupted our society’s view of masculinity.
Just look at how many men have flocked to men like Andrew Tate,
who treat women like property.
I like how one writer puts it:
“For most of Western history, the primary and most valued characteristic of manhood was self-mastery. . . . A man who indulged in excessive eating, drinking, sleeping or sex—who failed to ‘rule himself’—was considered unfit to rule his household, much less [society]… sexual restraint rather than sexual prowess was once the measure of a man.”
Now, we can’t solely blame men for this,
Because both men and women today want a marriage
in which they can receive emotional and sexual satisfaction from someone who will simply let them “be themselves.”
They want a spouse who is:
fun,
intellectually stimulating,
sexually attractive,
with many common interests,
and who, on top of it all, fully supports their personal goals and of the way they are living now.
This is why one author jokingly said:
When it comes to finding a perfect spouse, many guys expect:
“A woman who is a novelist/astronaut with a background in fashion modeling.”
As sociologists tell us, right now,
modern 1st world countries are facing a birthing epidemic.
We simply are not having enough children for society to continue to function and flourish.
And within the next 5-10 years,
America especially is going to feel the crushing weight of this problem.
And if you think it’s bad now,
just wait,
because it’s looking like people will soon be able to have their own AI robot wife,
who doesn’t age,
doesn’t eat, sleep, or ever get sick,
and never nags you.
And so as much as pornography has led to major problems for marriage and people not having children.
just wait…
cuz it’s going to get a million times worse!
We live in “Me-Marriage” culture,
where we are wanting too much and too little from marriage the same time.
We want a near-perfect spouse
while also not wanting to have to change…
when we all desperately need change.
But the Bible shows us what marriage really is and is meant for.
it’s two flaws individuals coming together to create a space of stability, love, and encouragement.
It’s meant to be a haven in a heartless world.
But none of this comes naturally,
because of sin which makes us SELFISH
and whenever two sinners come together - guess what happens?
They sin…
Shocker right?
And that sin causes hardship within the relationship.
This is why the idea that “love shouldn’t be this hard” is unrealistic.
And if you think about it - it’s outright silly.
it’s like someone who wants to play professional baseball saying: “It shouldn’t be this hard to hit fast ball!”
“Uhh… yeah it should…”
And the same is true of marriage.
Because no one enters marriage knowing how to hit a fast ball!
We all strike out over and over again!
This understanding is why Duke University ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas famously said:
“The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person. We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is . . . learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.”
The reality is, the moment you marry someone,
you and your spouse begin to change in profound ways.
And you can’t know ahead of time what those changes will be.
So you don’t know,
and you can’t know, who your spouse will actually be in the future until you get to the future…
Which is why marriage is about learning to how to love the new spouse you find yourself married to.
In Keller’s book on marriage he writes:
“Some people are really, really the wrong people to marry. But everyone else is still incompatible. All who win through to a good, long-term marriage know [that] … Over the years you will go through seasons in which you have to learn to love a person who you didn’t marry, who is something of a stranger. You will have to make changes that you don’t want to make, and so will your spouse. The journey may eventually take you into a strong, tender, joyful marriage. But it is not because you married the perfectly compatible person. That person doesn’t exist.”
So, not only are no two people ever truly compatible,
but as the Bible tells us,
we are all deeply broken by sin.
which leads us to be self-centered.
and as we’ll see, sinful self-centeredness it ultimate reason why marriage is so hard.
The author Denis de Rougemont once asked:
“Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love . . . ?”
The answer is,
they shouldn’t and they wont’!
That is why a good marriage is more painfully hard to achieve than becoming a professional athlete.
Because NO ONE has natural talent when it comes to marriage.
In the past, our society used to look to God for meaning, hope, ultimate love, support, and security.
But today, our culture has turned to romance to fill that void.
and so instead of looking to God for redemption,
we look to a romantic parter for it,
which does not work,
because it can’t work.
Because believing that our one true soul mate can fix everything that is wrong in our life
turns our lover into God - and they CAN NOT fill those shoes.
No human being can live up to that!
Question
"How will it affect the marriage if two Christians get married but fail to develop their relationship with God?"
ILLUSTRATION:
Triangle Illustration with God.
The fact is, no matter how difficult marriage can be,
it’s not going anywhere.
It’s been the bedrock of every human society all the way back to Adam and Eve.
And this is because, according to Genesis 1 and 2,
we were made for marriage,
and marriage was made for us.
But according to Genesis 3,
marriage, along with every other aspect of human life,
has been broken because of sin.
When it comes to wrong views of marriage: there are two ditches:
If we view marriage too romantically and idealistically, we underestimate the power of sin in our lives,
If we view marriage too pessimistically and cynically we misunderstand marriage’s divine origin and potential beauty.
AND - If we somehow manage,
as our modern culture has,
to do both at once,
we are REALLY going to be in bad shape
The point is,
the trouble is not with the institution of marriage but with ourselves.
As we saw, the Apostle Paul says that Marriage is a “profound mystery.”
What mystery?
That marriage points beyond itself to Christ and the church.
It points to the gospel…
because in the gospel,
Jesus voluntarily laid aside His rights,
died to His own interests,
and gave Himself for His bride.
And that is the pattern and power of marriage.
which should give us incredible hope!
because it means that when God designed marriage,
He already had Christ and the church in mind.
and marriage is meant to picture this.
This is why marriage, at it’s core,
is not an oppressive institution meant to destroy our happiness.
It’s about sacrificially loving the other, just as Christ did for us.
which actually leads to mutual self-fulfillment in marriage.
You don’t lose yourself; you actually find your truer self.
Now… just to be clear here:
marriage is neither strict self‑denial nor selfish self‑seeking.
It’s mutual self‑giving—mutual fulfillment found through mutual service.
That’s the secret revealed in the gospel:
we are loved into the kind of people who can love.
So the gospel supplies both the pattern (what to do) and the power (why and how to do it).
The pattern is Christ’s self‑giving love.
The power is His love for you.
Without the pattern, we lack direction;
without the power, we lack heart.
Only in light of the gospel does it makes sense why Marriage is both painful and beautiful
and it’s because the gospel is both painful and beautiful.
What is the gospel?
The gospel is as Keller famously put it:
“We are more sinful and flawed than we ever dared believe, yet more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.”
That combination—radical truth and radical grace,
is the only thing strong enough to transform a marriage.
If you only have love without truth, you get sentimentality: it feels supportive but leaves you blind to faults.
If you only have truth without love, you get harshness: it may be accurate, but the other person can’t receive it.
But In Christ, truth and love meet.
God sees our worst and yet never stops loving us.
As that love settles into your bones,
it enables you to tell the truth to your spouse and also hear the truth from your spouse without withdrawing your love.
That is the strange alchemy of Christian marriage.
which gives us the PATTERN & POWER we need.
