How Does Reconciliation Happen?

Our Theme for 2025 is “Live Like Jesus”

It comes out of a simple desire to follow Jesus - and to learn better what that means.

We are spending the entire year in the Gospel of Matthew.

Over the last several months we talked about divine healing, deliverance and forgiveness .

We have talked about faith, repentance and having a personal relationship with God.

We looked at parables of Jesus and about miracles, signs and wonders which demonstrate both the power of God and His purpose to restore all things.

We covered the subjects of religion and tradition and spiritual transformation.

Two weeks ago, the message was about restoration,

Jesus came to show us what God looks like,

and by extension, what we are to look like as restored people.

When I talked about becoming a restored person, we covered the passage in Matthew 18 where Jesus talks about how to restore relationships.

The idea is that we correct people in a way that is most likely to be redemptive.

After all the goal is of any such correction should be restoration.

An perhaps, if things go well, even reconciliation.

2 Corinthians 5:20 NLT

20 So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!”

So how does reconciliation happen?

God plan and purpose is to restore the world, including restoring humanity’s relationship with himself.

God initiated that process with us.

But restoring human relationships with each other is harder and more complicated.

It takes more than just saying your sorry.

It takes more than one conversation.

It takes establishing a new pattern of relating - and that takes time.

In the book of Philemon, Paul encourages reconciliation between Philemon and his runaway slave Onesimus.

Paul doesn’t just suggest they patch things up; he boldly asks Philemon to welcome Onesimus back, not as a slave, but as a brother in Christ.

When we see others as equals in God’s eyes, reconciliation becomes not just an act, but an opportunity to experience God’s restoring grace.

Philemon 15–16 ESV

15 For this perhaps is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever, 16 no longer as a bondservant but more than a bondservant, as a beloved brother—especially to me, but how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the Lord.

Paul appeals to Philemon to forgive his servant Onesimus - even promising to pay any outstanding depts.

But forgiveness is just the beginning.

Paul goes beyond forgiveness - asking Philemon to see Onesimus differently.

He asks him to begin relating to Onesimus on different terms - not as a slave, but as a brother in Christ.

If Philemon and Onesimus are going to be reconciled, it is because they have established a new pattern of relating to each other based on what Paul has described to them.

And based on what Jesus has modeled by His own life and death on the cross.

Restoration is the goal - and that means we want reconciliation with God and others wherever possible.

However, rushing to reconciliation or trying to force it usually makes things worse.

Reconciliation begins with forgiveness, but it takes time and patience to rebuild the trust that has been broken.

Reconciliation is does not mean going back to the way things were.

We are not talking about a “reset” - making like it never happened,

Because the way thing were was obviously not working.

You don’t want a “reset” - you want a “restore” - a total overhaul of the relationship.

A totally transformed relationship between two transformed people.

It means developing a new way of relating - that's a restored relationship.

Not the way things were - but the way things were meant to be.

It is a relationship patterned after God’s design

It is relating to others the way God relates to us.

So as we finish Matthew 18 and move into Matthew 19 let’s observe the process of how reconciliation happens.

Forgiveness makes reconciliation possible.

Matthew 18:21–22 ESV

21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Forgive more often than you think you should.

We all know that forgiveness is important - but surely there are limits to how much or how often we should forgive!

Maybe - but more often than not - forgiveness is exactly what is required.

What is it about the math that Peter and Jesus are using here?

Peter thinks seven is a generous number.

Jesus adds another multiple of ten and then squares it.

God’s generosity is always far more generous than ours.

But there is something else happening here - the math is really a message.

Genesis 4:24 ESV

24 If Cain’s revenge is sevenfold, then Lamech’s is seventy-sevenfold.”

Lamech was an evil descendant of Cain who writes a poem glorifying violence and twisting the promise of God.

God put a mark on Cain and promised seven-fold vengeance on anyone harming him as a promise of protection.

Lamech multiplies that number saying that if God forgave Cain’s violence then He would surely protect his even more violent descendent!

Genesis records this as an example of how sin was multiplied on the earth leading up to the flood.

If sin is multiplied on the earth then forgiveness must also multiply.

Paul notes this dynamic as well.

Romans 5:20–21 CEV

20 The Law came, so that the full power of sin could be seen. Yet where sin was powerful, God’s kindness was even more powerful. 21 Sin ruled by means of death. But God’s kindness now rules, and God has accepted us because of Jesus Christ our Lord. This means that we will have eternal life.

The reason we keep on forgiving is because we can’t let sin have the last word.

Forgiveness is not passive - forgiveness is how we overcome!

If Paul has said to Onesimus - “too bad dude, you blew it one too many times!”

How do you think that would have played out.

Well Paul and Onesimus would not have become friends - because that would have interfered with his friendship with Philemon.

And Onesimus probably would not have become the strong believer in Christ that he was - me might not have become a believer at all.

It fact Onesimus might have become more like Nero, the mad dictator who hated Christians - that was a pretty popular perspective at the time.

Do you see what happens in terms of the Kingdom of God when we don’t forgive - evil wins!

Hatred and violence keep on multiplying - and everyone feels justified in their escalations - just like Lamech!

The world goes to hell and we wipe our hands and say, “good riddance!”

Seems about right - huh? Oh wait, what about the purpose of God to restore all things?

Those people that we so easily write off - those are people whom God created and whom He loves!

Remember last time we read about the one sheep that the shepherd loves so much that he leaves the 99.

Did you think Jesus was talking about someone else?

At sometime in our lives, that “one” was me - and it was you.

Remember how much God has forgiven you.

Matthew 18:23–30 ESV

23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt.

So to make this point, Jesus tells a parable about two servants. The first one who was forgiven a great debt - and the second who owed a much smaller debt.

It is important to notice the contrasts.

Ten thousand talents is a huge amount of money - each talent is basically the amount of silver coins that one person can carry.

A denarii is a smaller coin which, in another parable represents a day’s wage.

So, not a small amount of money - but doable if you pay it off over time.

The second contrast is the actions of the servant as compared to that of the king.

The king forgave the first servant, even though there is like - no chance - he is ever going to repay the debt.

The guy is going to be in jail for the rest of his life - how is that going to benefit anyone?

And then the first servant in the story turns around and chokes his fellow servant - literally squeezing him for money.

And everybody in the story and those hearing the story are all having the same reaction.

“Dude, what is wrong with you!?”

You just had a huge debt wiped out - you’re off the hook!

It seems like the appropriate response would be to turn around and do the same for someone else.

“It’s a much smaller debt - Man, it’s the least you can do!”

The point that Jesus is making - If you ever have a hard time forgiving someone, just remember how much God has forgiven you!

But that’s not all - Jesus finishes the story, and it gets even worse for the first servant.

Unforgiveness mostly hurts the one who does not forgive.

Matthew 18:31–35 ESV

31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

Why couldn’t he just leave it alone?!

What makes a guy go out an beat someone up when he just got out of jail free?

Actually there is a reason - and it sets up the story for an even bigger point that Jesus is making.

It’s about justice - the first servant wanted justice.

Justice is a sense of obligation to fulfill the requirements of what is “right” or “true.”

It is true that the second servant owed him money and it is his right to demand payment.

So why is that a problem?

It is a problem because the king did not treat him according to the principle of justice - the king extended mercy - he had pity on him.

The ending of the story is basically the king - seeing that the servant having received mercy, does not also extend mercy - reverts to a system of justice.

He is now going to have to pay everything - which he can’t do - so he’s basically doomed to a life of imprisonment and torture.

Not a great end to the story!

But what is the lesson in all of this?

If you want to insist on justice, you will get justice.

But before you do, you might want to consider what justice looks like for you too?

What if the God (as represented by the king in the story) gave you exactly what you deserve?

Do you really want justice? Or do you want mercy?

James 2:13 ESV

13 For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

When Jesus responds to Peter’s question, He is also responding to the statement by Lamech in Genesis.

You can choose justice or you can choose mercy.

But whatever you choose is going to be multiplied many times over.

You can choose revenge - like Lamech, but that will lead to more violence and more revenge.

Or you can choose mercy and forgiveness, and by doing so you are choosing to do so perpetually.

It is exactly what Jesus taught in the sermon on the mount.

Matthew 5:38–39 ESV

38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ 39 But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

Justice may seem to be the more noble option - but look at where it leads...

An eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth leaves the whole world blind and toothless.

On the other hand, you can choose the way of forgiveness.

Justice may seem satisfying until you realize that your unforgiveness is hurting you more than it is hurting them.

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Dude, what are you thinking!

Forgiveness is not just an option …it’s the appropriate response.

You are treating people that way that God treats you.

And you are helping to turn the tide away from perpetuating revenge and violence to multiplying grace and mercy.

Now if we could only convince our hearts...

A change of heart makes it complete.

Jesus shifts to talking about divorce.

Looking at these two passages together, what He says seems like it could apply to all broken relationships and relational conflict.

So as we read these passages - lets think, not just in term of marriage and divorce - lets think in terms of all our human relationships.

Especially the messy ones...

Remember God’s intention.

Matthew 19:1–6 ESV

1 Now when Jesus had finished these sayings, he went away from Galilee and entered the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. 2 And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. 3 And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” 4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

The Pharisees asked Jesus, “Is it ok to get a divorce?”

Jesus say, “You are asking the wrong question?”

The question is, “What is God’s intention in making male and female and then making them one?”

After all, God’s goal is for restoration - so what was His original design?

I could spend a whole sermon on this topic - His design was to fill the earth with the same kind of loving partnership that there is in the fellowship of the godhead - between Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Not only that, God wanted the same kind of partnership with humans as He had as a Divine being.

Man and Woman would partner with God in creation and by doing so they would multiply and fill the earth.

I remember when our children were first born. There is this great sense of excitement like, “look what we did!” And then to look at this little person and to realize that that in some ways they look like mommy and in some ways they resemble daddy. It’s beautiful to think that we started this with a loving bond and through that bond, God multiplies it.

God’s intention in making marriage was to make a living demonstration of His love that would multiply through loving families and fill the earth with God’s goodness and love.

So what happened?

You might say, “That doesn’t sound like my marriage.”

Or, “That doesn’t sound like my family - not now or the one I grew up in”

“I’m sorry!” that your experience was not what God intended.

But rather than asking the question, “How do I get out of this marriage?”

Perhaps you should be asking the question, “how do we make this relationship become what God intended?

When I have a couple in my office who wants a divorce - of course, I am going to explore what it would take for restoration. Because I believe that is what God wants for all of us.

But I always make it clear. I don’t expect you to take each other back the way you are now. Because the way you are now is not working. You each need to work on yourselves - on forgiveness, healing and becoming who God made you to be. As you each do that you will become who the other needs you to be.

Does that work? - yes and no.

I have seen it work - and I have seen marriages glorify God by reconciling.

Unfortunately, it takes two. Sometimes one person is willing to change and the other isn’t.

But you know, when one person decided to follow God whole heartedly and forgive the other - even if the other person does not reciprocate - they are still much better off!

Because they are walking through life in restored relationship to God - and God can more than make up for whatever losses they have suffered.

If your relationships are not healthy and fulfilling, I would encourage you - instead of looking for a way out - look at what God intended.

Make a study of it.

Find out who God made you to be and His purpose for you.

Look at your role in the relationship and focus on your contribution.

For the other person’s part, you can choose justice or you can choose mercy.

I know, it sounds easy - but it’s not.

In order to make it work - you are going to have to go deeper.

Examine your heart’s inclination.

Matthew 19:7–12 ESV

7 They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” 10 The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. 12 For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.”

God made allowance for people who need to get out of a bad relationship- but it’s not without consequences.

There is nothing easy or convenient about divorce.

It’s messy, painful, lonely and absolutely a last resort if you ask me.

Unfortunately, I have known people to rush into it without asking me or anyone else.

People think they are going to find someone better, just to realize that the world is filled with broken people all looking for someone better.

It is interesting to hear the disciple’s reaction.

If divorce is not an option - if a husband cannot have complete control over his wife by threatening to send her away- then it would be better not to get married!

Keep in mind that at this point in time, it is culturally unacceptable to not be married - except in extreme circumstances.

Extreme circumstances would be like a eunuch - a slave who has been castrated to serve in a royal household to remove the possibility of corrupting the royal lineage.

Jesus responds that what might seem like an extreme alternative is actually a viable one - if you are willing to see it as one.

Singleness is an option - and for many people its a really good one!

The Apostle Paul felt that it was actually the best option because it allowed Him to full devote his time an attention to serving the Lord.

And this comes from a men who, by law and according to custom, would have been married at one time,

You see the whole argument about marriage and singleness has been turned upside down,

It’s no longer a question of personal fulfillment and “how do I get my needs met?”

Its a question of “how do I best serve the purpose of God and fulfill the reason for which God created me?”

What is it that you really want? And where is God in the picture?

You see happiness and fulfillment are byproducts of goodness of God’s created order.

You and I will never be truly satisfied until we are aligned with who God made us to be.

Work toward restoration.

Matthew 19:13–15 ESV

13 Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, 14 but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” 15 And he laid his hands on them and went away.

Matthew brings us back to the image of Jesus using a child as an example of what we are becoming.

If you were not here when I talked about innocence a few weeks ago, you might want to go back and listen to that message.

Jesus used a child as an object lesson to remind us of what it was like before we were aware of sin and evil.

Before our hearts become hardened and we started prioritizing our own self-protection.

That’s the essence of new creation - going back to a place of complete trust in and dependence on God.

By the way, that is the essence of real relationship too - trust and vulnerability.

But its not easy - especially when life has knocked you down a few times.

Sometimes, like the disciples, as well meaning people we try to stop people from taking that kind of risk.

Don’t forgive that person - or if you do, don’t ever trust them!

You didn’t do anything wrong - you just need to get rid of the losers in your life.

You are an amazing person and anyone who doesn’t think so is not worthy of you.

I would really like to believe that - but time and experience has taught me that I’m an imperfect person who comes from an imperfect family.

I have been involved in imperfect relationships all of my life.

Even my kids aren’t perfect and I haven’t raised them perfectly.

Don’t ever talk me out of coming to Jesus in my vulnerable state!

Don’t try to stop me from being like a child and running into His arms.

Don’t try to stop him from picking me up and comforting me.

And from blessing me.

I’m glad Jesus took time to receive children - because I’m a child in need of Him!

And coming to Jesus as an expression of that humble, child-like faith is the beginning of restoration.

That is how we change - this time for the better.

We are reconciled to God as our heavenly Father.

And it is only through the security of discovering who I am as His child that we are reconciled to each other.

Questions for reflection:

Is reconciliation something that you have desired or thought possible? Have you found that trying to make it happen doesn’t usually go well? What is you focused instead on being who God made you to be? And let God do the rest.

Think about your relationships. However, instead of thinking about what you want out of the relationship, think about what God wants. What is God’s purpose for your closest relationships? How is God glorified through them?

Where does reconciliation start? If you want closer intimacy with people, how about beginning with God? Can you come to Jesus and be vulnerable with Him? Is anyone or anything stopping you?