EPHESIANS 5:25-33 - Servant Headship

Introduction

In 1954, C. S. Lewis was the Chair of Medieval and Renaissance Literature at Cambridge University—for all his popular writings (The Chronicles of Narnia, The Screwtape Letters, for instance), his real life’s work was as a scholar of medieval literature. The day he was bestowed with his position at Cambridge he gave a speech in which he described what he called a “deeply significant change of vocabulary”: In speaking about the government, he says

Our rulers have become like schoolmasters and are always demanding ‘keenness.’ And you notice that I am guilty of a slight archaism in calling them ‘rulers.’ ‘Leaders’ is the modern word. I have suggested elsewhere that this is a deeply significant change of vocabulary… For of a ruler one asks justice, incorruption, diligence, perhaps clemency; of a leader, dash, initiative, and (I suppose) what people call ‘magnetism’ or ‘personality.’” (C. S. Lewis, De Descriptione Temporum)

We don’t like the idea of calling anyone our ruler; a ruler is inflexible, authoritative; one who commands and makes demands on people. A leader, on the other hand, is someone who wants to build a consensus, who has charm, charisma, and is approachable and accommodating.

We can see this by taking a well-known phrase in Christian circles—one that is often used in connection with our text this morning—and modifying it the way Lewis did in the quote I just read you. Many commentaries and articles on Ephesians 5:23

Ephesians 5:23 LSB

For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.

will talk about this verse in terms of “servant leadership”. A husband is to “lead” in the home by “serving”—mainly in reference to his wife. But notice in order to do that, we have to replace the word the Scriptures actually use in that verse. What if, instead of calling Christian men to be a servant “leader” in the home, we called them to be a servant head in the home? Instead of a servant leader, a servant ruler? What if we actually used the phrase that Sarah used of Abraham?

1 Peter 3:6 LSB

just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord...

But the truth is, we don’t like the sound of “servant lordship”—even though this is just exactly what Jesus demonstrated on the night He was betrayed, when He took off His garments and dressed as a house slave in order to wash His disciples’ feet:

John 13:12–13 LSB

So when He had washed their feet, and taken His garments and reclined at the table again, He said to them, “Do you know what I have done to you? “You call Me Teacher and Lord; and you are right, for so I am.

What Jesus demonstrated that night—and what is echoed all through our passage this morning—is that Christian headship is established through sacrificial service. Jesus was not negating His lordship over His disciples by washing their feet; His sacrificial service is what grounded His authority. And here in Ephesians 5:25-33, Paul is appealing to that same sacrificial service as the foundation of a husband’s headship over his wife.

Here is what I want you to see in God’s Word this morning here in these verses:

A godly husband establishes his LORDSHIP in his home through SACRIFICAL SERVICE to his wife

This is evident right from the very first verse of our text:

Ephesians 5:25 LSB

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

Christ’s lordship over His Church was established by His sacrificial love for her as He gave Himself up for her on the Cross. So in the same way, Christian husband you are called by your sacrificial service to your wife to establish

I. Christlike HEADSHIP of your home (Ephesians 5:25)

I think one of the reasons that we are more comfortable hearing the word “leader” rather than “head” or “ruler” (even though those are the terms that God’s Word uses for a husband’s role) is because we have an image fixed in our minds of a man who rules his home because he has the loudest voice and has the highest muscle mass—and sadly, there have been too many people who have been raised in such a home. But Christlike headship in the Christian household is

Not a TYRANT that ASSERTS himself (cp. Mark 10:42)

In fact, this is precisely the kind of rulership that Jesus specifically forbids His people to assert. He tells His disciples in Mark 10:42

Mark 10:42 LSB

And calling them to Himself, Jesus said to them, “You know that those who are recognized as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them; and their great men exercise authority over them. But it is not this way among you...

Jesus says to His disciples—do not exercise rulership or lordship the way unbelievers do. For the world, leaders are the ones who can cut the deals and make the connections, use their force of personality to get people to go along with them—even use their power (economic, political, or even physical) to get their followers to submit to them. This is the way leaders are made—climb the ladder, take no prisoners, be the last man standing, throw whoever you need to under the bus in order to make sure you come out on top.

That is the way the world works—the futile mind darkened by sin and enmity with God establishes its authority through fighting, striving and winning.

But Jesus tells His disciples that that is not how authority is granted in His Kingdom. Authority does not come to the one who fights and strives to achieve it as a tyrant who asserts himself,

But a SERVANT that SPENDS himself (cp. Mark 10:43-45)

Mark 10:43–45 LSB

“But it is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”

This is how authority is granted in the Kingdom of Christ our Lord, because this is how He gained His authority. By His humiliating death on the Cross, bleeding for the sake of His Bride, giving Himself up for her, and then being raised from the dead and being seated at the Father’s right hand in the heavenly places

Ephesians 1:21–23 LSB

far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And He put all things in subjection under His feet, and gave Him as head over all things to the church, which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all.

This is the way authority is granted. By sacrificial service for those that have been entrusted to you. This is real authority. This is the way God made the world. This is always the way it works, whether the world recognizes it or not. And this is not a dodge—giving yourself up for your wife as Christ gave Himself up for the Church does not mean simply “giving up”. Sacrificial servanthood does not mean that you spend your entire marriage saying “Yes, dear… Whatever you want, dear… I’ll do whatever you think we should do...” That’s not service, that is abdication.

Consider that Christ’s “giving Himself up” for the sake of His bride does not mean that He now is constantly saying to His Church, “Whatever you want, dear…”. In fact, look at the very next verse—why did Christ give Himself up for His bride?

Ephesians 5:26 LSB

so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,

One of the shortcomings about the term “servant leadership” is that it is rather vague in the purpose of leadership—what are you meant to be leading your home to? But Christian headship in the home as we find it here in God’s Word always leads to a goal. And the goal here in Verses 26-27 is

II. Christlike HOLINESS in your home (Ephesians 5:26-27)

Christ established His headship over the Church when He gave Himself up for her—and the reason He gave Himself up is

Ephesians 5:26–27 LSB

so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless.

And so how does Christ sanctify His bride?

He WASHES her with the WORD (cp. John 15:3)

We grow in holiness as we are cleansed by the words of Christ in the Scriptures—as He said in John 15:3

John 15:3 LSB

“You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you.

Dear brother, you simply cannot lead your wife into a sanctification that is foreign to you; in order for you to fulfill your servant headship in your home you must give yourself up to God’s Word first. Your sacrificial service for your bride begins with your commitment to submit yourself to the cleansing power of the Scriptures in your own life.

It doesn’t mean that you become perfect; it doesn’t mean that you need to get a doctrinal degree or fill your library with theologians from the past three hundred years. What it does mean is that you are honestly and consistently seeking to battle sin in your own life and seeking to delight in God and His Word. You are drawn to this Book, you seek to grow in not only your understanding of it but also your digesting of it in your life. As you do you will be a faithful, diligent and humble servant of your bride’s holiness as she follows you into God’s Word. Read it together, talk about it together, pray over it together.

A faithful servant ruler in a Christian household will wash his bride with the Word of God so that someday

He will PRESENT her in her GLORY (v. 27)

Ephesians 5:27 LSB

that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless.

A leader has to answer to his people—and if they don’t like the direction he is leading, they can vote him out of office, because he serves at the will of those people. But a servant head, a servant lord, has to answer for his people. The head of a Christian household must someday answer for the holiness of his household. There is a standard outside of him; a call that he must obey just as surely as his wife and family must—the call to growth in godliness and obedience to God.

Just as Christ will someday present His perfected Bride in all her glory, so brother you will have to answer for the way you led your bride into holiness. Of course, you are not the Holy Spirit—you do not do the work of sanctification in a believer’s life—but you can certainly hinder it.

Brother, are you helping your bride toward greater Christlikeness, or are you one of the reasons she struggles? Are you guarding her spirit, are you building her up with your prayers and your presence, or are you placing stumbling blocks in her way? Is your wife more Christlike and holy because you are in her life? Or does she have to look elsewhere to find a Christlike example of godly manhood?

Brothers, establish your lordship in your home through your sacrificial service to your wife—establish Christlike headship of your home; cultivate Christlike holiness in your home, and finally, nurture

III. Christlike LOVE in your home (Ephesians 5:28-33)

Ephesians 5:28–30 LSB

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.

The love you are called to nurture for your bride, Christian, is first of all

A NOURISHING love (cp. Eph. 1:22-23)

Consider for a moment what it means for Christ to love the Church—we read earlier in Ephesians 1:22-23 that Christ has been given

Ephesians 1:22–23 LSB

..as head over all things to the church, which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all.

For Christ to love His bride is for Him to love His own body—the same command you are given, brother, in Verse 28 of our text:

Ephesians 5:28 LSB

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;

To love your bride as Christ loves His means that you spend yourself to provide for her. Putting food on the table, a roof over her head, the care that she needs physically and spiritually. The strength that God has put into your limbs was not meant to serve you alone. The sweat He put into your body was not meant to stay there forever; nor was it meant to be spent merely for your own comfort. Just as Christ nourishes His bride with His presence and His love, so you are to be present when you are home; you are to be looking to her safety and security. From getting up at three A.M. to see why the dog is barking to setting up your financial picture so that she knows she will be cared for (Mom says she never understood why Dad was always buying more insurance policies—but now she understands; he was looking out for her!), brother, nurture your wife with a nourishing love.

Not only to nurture, Paul says, but to cherish your bride as Christ does His church. The word in Greek conveys treating with tenderness and affection, pictured as warming something up. (Not to be irreverent, but I think that this is proof that even in the First Century husbands were plagued at night by the icy touch of their wife’s feet!)

But hear what God’s Word says about your love for your wife—it is a tender love, it is a love that delights in her, that is endlessly fascinated by her. And I believe that one of the ways this cherishing love is demonstrated is that it is

An UNDERSTANDING love (cp. Hebrews 4:15)

I believe that part of cherishing your wife as Christ cherishes His Church is understanding her. Do we not comfort ourselves every week in our gathered worship that

Hebrews 4:15 LSB

...we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things like we are, yet without sin.

It is a great comfort, is it not, that Christ understands what we are going through? That He has suffered in every way that we have, and when we come to Him for comfort He knows what we are telling Him firsthand?

In the same way, brothers—seek to understand your wife. Make it your aim that no one knows what makes her tick better than you do—not her parents, not her siblings, not her friends. That you “get” her in every way. You understand what drives her, what encourages her, what frightens her. You know what temptations she is most prone to, you know what sins she is most susceptible to, and you know how to help her fight.

The wicked, worldly way of saying this is that you “know how to push her buttons”—how to upset her, how to throw her off-balance so you can gain the upper hand in an argument. But what Christ is calling you to do is the opposite—how to draw her to Him, how to build her up and strengthen her in her faith. To equip her in her role as wife, daughter, mother, sister and friend; to be her confidant and guide, to help her navigate the treacherous reefs and shoals of her emotions and fears, to be the one solid place she knows she can stand when everything feels like it is falling down around her because she knows you will always point her to Christ!

This is what it means to establish your lordship in your home by your sacrificial service for the sake of your bride. To lay down your life for the sake of her holiness, to spend yourself so that she might be presented blameless before God. To own her struggles with sin and to demonstrate your love for her by giving yourself up for her sake.

In short, brothers, what this means is that you must not do what your father Adam did in the Garden. As we considered last week, Eve’s sin in the Garden was to usurp her husband’s role by taking over as the functional head of their household. She did not obey the command that he had relayed to her from YHWH and ate the fruit of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

But Adam’s sin in that moment was not only to let her do it, but to abandon her to her sin:

Genesis 3:12 LSB

And the man said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave to me from the tree, and I ate.”

“It was all her, Lord—I had nothing to do with it; I just did what she told me!” Adam knew that the Serpent had been lying to Eve (Verse 6 says that he was standing right there watching and listening as the Serpent was deceiving his wife) and he did nothing about it. Instead, he joined her in her sin; he allowed her to define the relationship that their household would have with one another and with YHWH—a rebellion and enmity that would echo down thousands of years to our own day.

But what could Adam have done? What should he have done in that moment when his bride brought death upon herself by eating that fruit? When YHWH came walking in the cool of that day, Adam should have given himself up for his wife. “Lord, the woman you gave to me to be my helpmate and friend and co-laborer has sinned. Only please do not take her life; take my life instead. Let me die for the sake of her sin so that she may live!”

What Adam failed to do in the Garden, the Second Adam did faithfully on the Cross—He gave Himself up for us all. He died so that His bride may live,

Ephesians 5:26–27 LSB

so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless.

And so, brothers, you are called to that same sacrificial love for the sake of your bride. Lay down your life for the sake of her holiness. When she is tempted to usurp your headship in the home with criticism, unjust accusations, emotional manipulation, anger, bitterness or resentment, you do not follow her into it. Instead of reacting with your own sins of anger, harshness, resentment or wounded pride, you lay down your life for her in that moment. You remember that your role is not to be a thermometer, reacting to the temperature in the room; you are the thermostat—you are the one who regulates and maintains the spiritual and emotional temperature of the room.

When disaster strikes in your home, when there is fear and uncertainty or trials that come, you don’t go to pieces; you don’t abdicate and wander off because you can’t handle the stress. These are the times when you step up and be the shelter and rock for your family. The way King Lune describes kingship in The Horse and His Boy paints the picture perfectly:

For this is what it means to be a king: to be first in every desperate attack and last in every desperate retreat, and when there's hunger in the land (as must be now and then in bad years) to wear finer clothes and laugh louder over a scantier meal than any man in your land. (King Lune, The Horse and His Boy)

You don’t do this because of your perfection of courage and integrity; you don’t do this because you are a mountain of confidence and strength—you do this because your rock is Christ. The New Birth He has given you by His Spirit is your refuge and strength. You can come in that moment to Him for strength to respond to anger with gentleness, unkind or harsh words with grace, not ramping up the conflict ir spinning up fear or worry or doubt in trials, but knowing how, through His Spirit that dwells in you, to gently and patiently wash your bride with the Word for encouragement, strength, rebuke, building up, wisdom and hope.

And so this means that, in order to be in the position to love your bride as Christ loved the church, you must first of all govern your own heart with submission to Christ and His Word. You will not be able to love your wife in this way if you have not submitted yourself—and are continually submitting yourself—to Christ. Before you can lay down your life in sacrificial love for your bride’s glory, you must first come to the One Who has laid down His live for you—if you are not walking in the renewed mind of the new man in Christ, if you are still walking according to the futility of the old fallen man, then there is nothing in you that will do your wife any eternal good whatsoever. Truly, if you are not a member of the Body of Christ then there is no eternal good in your life.

But the rebellion and disobedience that you inherited from your father Adam—the rebellion and disobedience that you have embraced in your own life in your disregard for God and His headship—has been decisively defeated by the death of Christ who laid down His life for the sake of His Church. You can have for yourself everything that He died to provide: cleansing of your guilt by the washing of water with the Word; no spot or wrinkle or any such thing before God, but blamelessness and holiness; freedom from the penalty and power of your sin, and the steadfast faithful love of God to follow you all the days of your life as you dwell in His household of faith for eternity. So for the sake of your family, for the sake of your household, for the sake of your never-dying soul come—and welcome!—to Jesus Christ!

BENEDICTION:

Hebrews 13:20–21 LSB

Now the God of peace, who brought up from the dead the great Shepherd of the sheep through the blood of the eternal covenant, our Lord Jesus, equip you in every good thing to do His will, by doing in us what is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen.

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