Marriage and Singleness
Notes
Transcript
Introduction
Introduction
Background:
Background:
This is our fourth message on 1 Corinthians 7 because this is a complicated chapter that brings out all kinds of other questions…and those questions revolve around marriage, remarriage, adultery, and divorce….and here is where we are, and here is where we have been.
Week 1
Week 1
We gave an overview of this chapter, and talked about some of the context, and I will revisit that before we restart this chapter…but the main issues we discussed in week 1 were the principles of Godly marriage, and then we moved to the truth about divorce.
Here are some of the highlights of our first week in 1 Cor 7
We established that chapter 7 answers questions about singleness vs. marriage - which is more holy
We discussed their confusion on sexual activity inside of marriage, and Paul teaches them that sex inside of marriage is good and is there for a reason
The reason sex inside of marriage is there is so that those of us who don’t have the gift of singleness have someone in our life to fulfill our desires - emotional, physical, and otherwise
We discussed the matter of affection and what that means for men and women. For men, it’s support, respect, and sexual activity - For women, it’s love, tenderness, compassion, and also sexual activity
Then we got to the issue of divorce, and we paused, because to understand divorce, we needed to understand marriage.
Week 2
Week 2
We backed up to Mark 10 and discussed teaching of Jesus on divorce and marriage
In the Gospel of Matthew, we see that Jesus gives what is called an “exception clause” for divorce, which is a physical act of adultery
Then, we discussed the six functions of marriage in the Scripture
Procreation, Pleasure, Purity, Provision, Partnership, Picture
We ended week 2 understanding exactly why God says He hates divorce, not that divorce is necessarily a sin, but that all divorces are the product of sin, regardless of whose fault it is. Two perfect and righteous people would never get a divorce, divorce comes because conflict and sin exist.
This is where we stopped week 2 because we needed to get Jesus’s answer on this matter in order to get back to 1 Cor 7
Week 3
Week 3
We opened week 3 with the question, “Is divorce a sin?”
We walked back through the Old Testament, saw in Malachi where God says, “I hate divorce” and then back to Mark 10
In Mark 10, we discussed exactly why God hates divorce, and we went through the 4 reason why He hates it using the words of Jesus in Mark 10 as our text.
God hates divorce because it defies His perfect and created order, because it’s the product of sin
God hates divorce because it destroys perfect harmony, much like sin destroyed the perfect harmony of the world
God hates divorce because of what it does to the hearts and minds of people and children and because divorce damages communities and societies. It leaves people with something broken inside, and its not something that is easily fixed…so it’s the social aspect of divorce
Marriage is a picture of Jesus and the Church, divorce is a picture of the separation between God and man.
Then we talked more about this “exception clause”
The exceptions for divorce are physical adultery, and abandonment.
What we do know, is that even in the cases of adultery or abandonment, it’s actually better for a reconciliation to take place, because reconciliation is the heart of God, and it’s what’s best for everyone around…for two people to repent and to come back together again, that’s preferred.
The second question we asked was, “Is Remarriage a Sin?”
We didn’t get to that question, but we’re getting there tonight…and we’re going to get there by bouncing back over to 1 Cor 7.
Context:
Context:
So, here is how 1 Corinthians 7 breaks out.
v. 1a begins by introducing a new section. This is the fist of 4 questions that Paul will answer in this letter
v. 1b-7 legitimizes singleness but also advocates for marriage
v. 8-9 Address the divorced and the widows
v. 10-11 forbids divorce
v. 12-16 addresses people married to unbelievers
v. 17-24 calls people to sacrificial living for Jesus amidst the marriage discussion
v. 25-40 addresses virgins, it talks about their duties, but also the duties of the fathers of the virgins, and there are some cultural things there that we have to discuss to understand that.
So, that’s how this chapter breaks down, and that’s how we’re going to examine this chapter, taking it section by section.
I. Questions from the Corinthians
I. Questions from the Corinthians
Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me
You’re going to see this line four times in the book of 1 Corinthians and this is the first one.
They’ve written to Paul and have asked him four questions,
1 Cor 7, about singleness and Marriage
1 Cor 8 , Paul answers them about Christian liberty, specifically food and drink
1 Cor 12, Paul answers them about Spiritual gifts and their purpose
1 Cor 16, Paul answers their questions about missions giving and tithing.
So, that’s where we are in 1 Cor, we’ve gotten into a new section, where Paul has reprimanded them and given them a bad report, and now he’s answering their questions.
The reason that they are confused about this topic is because they haven’t had a good view of marriage and sexuality, and there was no Bible to look back to and understand the right things. They were asking the most prominent teacher of the Scripture to help them set the record straight.
Roman Culture of Marriage
Roman Culture of Marriage
In the culture of that time, there were three different forms of marriage.
Common law marriage was the most utilized in Rome, but it was also the first form of marriage to be eradicated from the Roman empire because it wasn’t good or scalable for the society.
And they’re having some doubts and some questions about the legitimacy of their marriage, but Paul assures them that marriage is good.
Also, I want to add that this is what makes someone married:
Followed the legal process - common law marriage is not legitimate for a Christian to consider, its only recognized in 7 US states (not Alabama), second, there is a period of immorality before common law is recognized, so why not just have a legal and formal ceremony?
They committed before friends and family - ultimately before God, because every marriage is a work of God, even for non-Christians. It’s His establishment, so to say that someone who is married didn’t get married in the sight of God is a contradiction in terms.
If physically possible, the marriage is consummated. Joseph was considered Mary’s husband before consummation, but at that time, consummation wasn’t in the plan for obvious reasons.
Then there was arranged marriage, which means that a father would sell his virgin daughter for money. You’ll need to remember that when we get to v. 25-40
For the noble class, there was what we consider to be a traditional marriage, (cake, vows, music, etc.) - We practice that today because the Roman Catholic church made that the standard for marriage when common law marriage was, thankfully, erased.
So, they’re confused about marriage and don’t know if the process is legitimate of if the marriage is a sham.
And the first question he will answer, the question of marraige, begins in the second half of v. 1 and then uses v. 2-7 as his explanation.
II. Paul’s Answer About Marriage
II. Paul’s Answer About Marriage
Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
Look there again in v. 1 where it says, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” The Greek word there is ἅπτω (Håp-toe) and it does mean touch, but properly it means to “fasten yourself”, and in the context of this verse it means “to set on fire” or to “kindle”.
So, what Paul is saying is that it is good for a man not to kindle a fire between himself and a woman, and why he says in v. 9, “It is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
Basically, if you can’t help but to kindle a fire, you need to get married. That’s why Jesus says, not everyone can handle being single and why Paul continues his instruction through v. 7.
Legitmizing Singleness and Marriage
Legitmizing Singleness and Marriage
Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.
Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.
The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment.
For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.
Most of the time, men and women both need that companionship and they both have a strong desire to be with someone, and Paul says, “If you can’t handle your desires and remain single, then get married, both are good.”
Singleness is good, marriage is good, but in both cases be dedicated to the Lord.
And so, if marriage is God’s safeguard against sin, then that makes the marriage relationship all the more important, because, while marriage does have many functions, its main function is to promote purity and Godly living.
Every other function is secondary to that…because our whole lives are to be lived for God’s glory.
What about child bearing and provision and the other functions?
Look there in v. 7
Paul says, “For I wish that all men were even as myself”. That means that Paul is single and is able to devote his entire life to God.
Most say that Paul is a widower, some say that he may have been abandoned after his conversion, but the point is that he wishes that everyone could remain single if they have that gift. Why?
v. 28
But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you.
He says that marriage brings conflict and trouble…it’s almost like a price we pay for not being able to control our own desires…because you have two imperfect people trying to create a perfect world, and then they reproduce and basically have no control over what they’ve created.
We think we do, but I also acknowledge that my kids are their own person and they’re going to make their own decisions…so I don’t have any control. I have influence, I have a belt and my position as their father, but I don’t have control.
Now, I don’t want to make it seem like marriage and having kids is a punishment, because marriage is the opposite…marriage is a safeguard against impurity, sexual desire, and against vulnerability.
My wife is far less vulnerable to her need for protection, provision, and affection because we are married. I am far less vulnerable to sexual temptation and lacking drive and ambition because I am married with children.
So marriage is a good thing…it’s just that it limits what I can do for the Lord, which is what Paul addresses later in this chapter.
So, Paul is still answering the question about marriage and singleness…in v. 1-7 he gives the short answer…he gives legitimacy to both singleness and marriage, and explains their purposes…now we get to v. 8-9.
Instructions to Widows and the Divorced
Instructions to Widows and the Divorced
But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am;
but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
In these verses, Paul talks to the “unmarried” and the “widows”. Later in the chapter he talks to the “virgins”.
These are the three categories of people that exist. Either you are a virgin, you are a widow, or you are a person who was formally sexually impure or formally married. So, when Paul says, “unmarried” this is his category for everyone else who isn’t a virgin or a widow.
First, let’s look at his instructions to widows.
It is good for them to remain unmarried - v. 8
If they don’t have self-control, let them marry.
Therefore I desire that the younger widows marry, bear children, manage the house, give no opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully.
For some have already turned aside after Satan.
That is, the younger widows didn’t have self-control, and they went after their lusts to find protection, provision, and affection from the world instead of finding it in Godliness…so for the young widows to be protected, they need to be remarried.
Second, let’s look at his instruction to the unmarried - everyone else (formally married and the formally fornicators).
It is good for them to remain unmarried - v. 8
If they don’t have self-control, let them marry.
Two questions:
How is this instruction compatible with the teachings of Jesus?
Why is an illegitimate remarriage considered adultery?
Two answers:
Marriage because of a lack of self-control is taught by Jesus.
His disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.”
But He said to them, “All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given:
For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.”
So, this thought is compatible because not everyone is called to life-long singleness, that is a gifting that God gives…and something that people have to accept…but as Jesus plainly said, “All cannot accept singleness”.
Answer Two:
Illegitimate remarriage is considered adultery because of the nature and function of marriage.
Marriage, by definition, is
Between a man and woman. “God made them male and female”
Includes some type of formal, cultural, and legal ceremony (doesn’t really matter what it looks like) “leaving father and mother”
Is accepted by the governing structure (doesn’t really matter what government structure) “Joined to his wife”
And, if possible, is sealed by consummation. (Physical issues, in the case of Mary and Joseph) “and the two shall become one flesh”.
Reason 4, the issue of consummation, is why remarriage, except for sexual immorality, is called adultery by Jesus.
Let’s say two people get a divorce, and the cause of the divorce wasn’t a physical act of adultery, they may have ended it ceremonially, they may have ended it legally, but they have not broken the consummation of the marriage.
Now one of the divorcees is about to get remarried. They’re free ceremonially, they’re free legally, but they are still bound to the other person by consummation.
At the point the new marriage is consummated, a dual function takes place.
The former marriage consummation is then annulled by adultery, and the new marriage is made complete by that same consummation.
How does that work?
Well, it’s very simple…and explains why Jesus says this in Matthew 19:9
And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”
Why the exception clause?
Because when divorce happens due to a physical act of sexually immorality, the marriage is now ended ceremonially, legally, and by the breaking of the vow of fidelity, the consummation of the marriage is undone.
Now notice, Jesus does not give an exception because of abandonment. Paul gives this exception… because even in the case of abandonment, I will argue that remarriage is still adultery, unless the one who abandons breaks the consummation of the marriage by a physical act of adultery.
Now, let’s get back to Paul’s instruction to the unmarried
But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am;
but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
In a perfect world, we could say to people who have been divorced, “you’re call now is to live a life of celibacy, and if you marry you’re an adulterer.”
Well, first, this isn’t a perfect world, because if it was, divorce wouldn’t exist in the first place.
Second, if someone is divorced, whatever the reason…and there is no chance for reconciliation (dangerous environment, lost contact, will not come back), we need to recognize that what Paul is writing is the Word of God and contains the wisdom of God…and we need to look back in v. 9.
“if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry that to burn with passion.”
Just because someone has been divorced without it being due to sexual immorality doesn’t mean that they automatically have the gifting or self-control for singleness…
All we do when we prevent assisting people in making wise and healthy marriage choices in the future, is deny them the safeguard that marriage provides.
But, Dylan! It’s adultery! God won’t forgive adulterers!
But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Then the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in adultery. And when they had set her in the midst,
they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act.
Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do You say?”
This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear.
So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.”
When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, “Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?”
She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.”
How is it, that a divorced person, who does not have the gifting of singleness and self-control, “go and sin no more?”
Well, friend, they enter into the safeguard of marriage.
but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
We’ve seen the question from the Corinthian church about marriage…we’ve seen Paul’s answer about marriage and remarriage….now we come to the place where we see Paul’s answer on divorce.
III. Paul’s Answer on Divorce
III. Paul’s Answer on Divorce
Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband.
But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.
This is Paul talking to believers that are currently married.
The point is that believers should not divorce their spouses, period, unless there is sexual immorality in which Jesus gives us that freedom…and even then the best case scenario is reconciliation.
Does this contradict the former point?
Imagine with me for just a minute that I have two believers who are married and come into my office, and they are telling me, “Dylan, we’re getting a divorce because we can’t stand each other”. Maybe they’ll say, “We’re getting a divorce because of money.” Maybe it’s, “We’re getting a divorce because I don’t like the way he or she talks to me.”
You know what I’m going to say to two church members here?
“Grow up” that’s the short version, but that’s what I’m going to say.
“Both of you quit acting like babies and let’s sit down and work this out.”
Now think of this one.
One spouse comes into my office and says, “Dylan, my husband/wife left me this morning for another person. Packed a few of their things, cleaned our bank accounts, and now they’re gone.” Or, “I just found out my spouse is addicted to dugs, or gambling, or pornography, what do I do?”
Maybe it’s this, “Dylan, my husband has been physically beating me up behind closed doors. I’m scared because now he’s started hitting the kids…I thought it was just me and I felt like the kids were safe, but now they’re not…what do I do?”
Can you see how the conversation changes based on the problem at hand?
Would you, would I, tell that woman who is getting beat up every day and their kids are now in danger to just, “Deal with it?”
No, and the reason we don’t get all the answers by making blanket statements on divorce and remarriage is because it’s a complicated issue, and that’s why God has given us His word, and why God has given you Godly leaders and prayerfully a Godly pastor, to help people navigate those kinds of awful and sinful situations.
Paul says, “believers shouldn’t leave their spouses for the sake of leaving them…period” Then he says, “Singleness or reconciliation is always best.”
IV. Paul’s Answer on Marriage to Non-Believers
IV. Paul’s Answer on Marriage to Non-Believers
But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her.
And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him.
For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.
But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.
For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
The reason Paul begins with “I, not the Lord, say” is because this isn’t a principle that Jesus gives in the gospel accounts. This is something that Paul has applied through Godly wisdom and through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. It doesn’t mean that it’s not inspired, it simply means that he is giving this principle for the first time.
And, the same principle is applied here, that if you’re married to a non-believer…whether you were a Christian but chose to marry a non-believer, or you were both non-believers and one converts…if the unbelieving spouse is willing to live with a believer, the believer doesn’t need to divorce them.
v. 14
Not that they will certainly be saved, but that by your Christian influence, they ought to be moving closer to desiring salvation.
v. 15
This is the abandonment clause, that if an unbelieving spouse abandons you, then you are not bound by that marriage, and you have freedom in Christ.
Yes, reconciliation is preferred. No, divorce is not the best option. However, in the case of abandonment, what option do you have? They left, you can’t control that.
Why does God call us to peace?
v. 16
It’s not your job to save your spouse, that’s something between God and your spouse.
V. Paul Says Accept Your Calling
V. Paul Says Accept Your Calling
But as God has distributed to each one, as the Lord has called each one, so let him walk. And so I ordain in all the churches.
Was anyone called while circumcised? Let him not become uncircumcised. Was anyone called while uncircumcised? Let him not be circumcised.
Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing, but keeping the commandments of God is what matters.
Let each one remain in the same calling in which he was called.
Were you called while a slave? Do not be concerned about it; but if you can be made free, rather use it.
For he who is called in the Lord while a slave is the Lord’s freedman. Likewise he who is called while free is Christ’s slave.
You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men.
Brethren, let each one remain with God in that state in which he was called.
Ok, the issue in this chapter is marriage. These things have nothing to do with marriage, except that Paul is illustrating the Christian’s responsibility to walk and to live in peace in the life that has been either given to them or that they have chosen.
If you choose to be single, then be at peace with that decision.
If you choose to marry, then be at peace with that decision.
If you’re married to an unbeliever, then make peace with that situation.
I know of a Godly woman, and she is the victim of abuse…she has chosen a life where she is staying married but lives in a safe place. She won’t get a divorce, she will likely never reconcile with her husband because of who he is, but she’s also made peace with the reality that they’re married but she’s not going to be around him.
The Bible calls us to peace and to walk in the calling that we’ve been given.
Again, victims of abuse, people battling with a drug addicted spouse, what they really need is counsel and support from the church. And, they need to make peace with whatever they choose to do.
VI. Paul’s Instruction to Virgins
VI. Paul’s Instruction to Virgins
Now concerning virgins: I have no commandment from the Lord; yet I give judgment as one whom the Lord in His mercy has made trustworthy.
I suppose therefore that this is good because of the present distress—that it is good for a man to remain as he is:
Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife.
But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you.
But this I say, brethren, the time is short, so that from now on even those who have wives should be as though they had none,
those who weep as though they did not weep, those who rejoice as though they did not rejoice, those who buy as though they did not possess,
and those who use this world as not misusing it. For the form of this world is passing away.
But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord.
But he who is married cares about the things of the world—how he may please his wife.
There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world—how she may please her husband.
And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction.
Paul is circling back. He’s saying that singleness is good…that a virgin who chooses to stay a virgin can totally devote themselves to God.
That a person who is married will serve their spouses and will serve God, and that just comes with the territory. I don’t think that’s a hard concept for married people to understand.
He says, “Live like you don’t even have a wife”. That doesn’t mean to ignore your family and doesn’t reflect Paul’s instruction.
But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
What he is sayin in those verses is that we all need to be totally dedicated to the Lord…that married couples, if they are working together effectively, will focus on the things of God not on the things of the world.
He ends by saying that he doesn’t command singleness, but that singleness does leave your life less complicated…so long as you can handle it, and don’t burn with passion.
Instructions to Father’s of Virgins
Instructions to Father’s of Virgins
But if any man thinks he is behaving improperly toward his virgin, if she is past the flower of youth, and thus it must be, let him do what he wishes. He does not sin; let them marry.
Nevertheless he who stands steadfast in his heart, having no necessity, but has power over his own will, and has so determined in his heart that he will keep his virgin, does well.
So then he who gives her in marriage does well, but he who does not give her in marriage does better.
Society worked a little different then…and like I mentioned at the beginning of this message, selling your virgin daughter for marriage was a thing.
Now, some of these dads made a pledge that they wouldn’t sell their daughters, and that they would be dedicated to God.
And so Paul’s instruction in v. 36 is, “If when your daughter grows up, and she wants to be married, it’s ok to let her get married.”
in v. 37 he writes, “If your daughter doesn’t want to marry, and you’re not forcing her to stay single, and you’re going to make sure she’s provided for her whole life, then you’ve done well.”
v. 38 he repeats those truths simply
A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.
But she is happier if she remains as she is, according to my judgment—and I think I also have the Spirit of God.
Plainly, death releases you from marriage and you can be remarried, but only to another believer, not to a pagan.
Still, he continues to emphasize singleness is better in the final verse.
Conclusion
Conclusion
There’s a lot to unpack, and life is complicated…we need to give mercy where mercy is due, grace where grace is due, and we need to faithful stewards of God’s word and faithful to apply biblical wisdom in every area of life.
