How Idols Wreck Our Relationships

Good morning, everyone! Whether you're here with us in the room or joining online—listening live or later—we’re truly glad you're here. You're part of our extended spiritual family, and we're thankful for you.

Hey, if you’ve got kids with you this morning—now’s a great time for them to head to class. We’ve got an amazing team ready to welcome them and help them know Jesus in a way that makes sense to them

For the rest of us, grab your Bible, get comfortable, and get ready for what God has for you today. We are continuing today on our journey through our series called—Treason & Triumph: Exposing Idols and Embracing Christ…So let’s dig in together…

Now, for the last couple of weeks we have been discussing idolatry and the reality of that idolatry in our own lives. Something I’ve said is that most of us think of idols as something ancient, primitive, maybe even silly—like bowing down to statues of wood or stone in far-off temples. But here’s the truth: idols are alive and well today, and they don’t look like golden calves. They look like paychecks, careers, children, sports, phones, beliefs, being right, the approval of others, and even our own comfort.

I gave us a working definition of an idol from Brad Bigney. An idol is anything or anyone that captures our heart and affection more than God.

You know what this is? (hold up pocket mirror) It’s one of the most powerful tools for relational change you’ll ever hold. Not because of what it does for your hair or your outfit… but because of what it shows you about your heart.

Every one of us has stood in front of one of these before and noticed something we didn’t like — a wrinkle, a smudge, something out of place. But what if I told you this mirror could also show you why your relationships are strained? Why you keep butting heads with your spouse, or why your patience runs out so quickly with your kids, or why that one person at work drives you up the wall?

See, most of us walk through life pointing outward — we think our biggest problems are them: that person who won’t listen, that coworker who disrespects me, that child who won’t obey. But the Bible says the real battleground isn’t out there; it’s in here — in the heart.

When conflict shows up, the mirror of God’s Word invites us to stop saying, ‘What’s wrong with them?’ and start asking, ‘Lord, what’s going on in me?’

Because if we’re honest, sometimes the person who’s wrecking the peace in our relationships is the same person we see every morning in this mirror.

That’s why Scripture says to guard your heart. Everything in your relationships — the love, the joy, the frustration, the anger — it all flows out of what’s ruling your heart.

So before we talk about how idols wreck our relationships, I want to invite you to do something different today: don’t hold up a finger at someone else — hold up a mirror to your own heart.

Let’s look briefly at

Proverbs 4:23 ESV

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.

Here’s what that means. Whatever the heart loves, the ears will hear and the eyes will see. King Solomon tells us to guard our hearts above all else because the heart leads to everything.

Scripture warns us to avoid a double heart, a hard heart, a proud heart, an unbelieving heart, a cold heart, and an unclean heart. So what happens when we don’t control out hearts? What happens when idols — those competing loves and desires — take over our hearts. What happens when…

Your Idols Declare War on Everyone Around You

James 4:1–3 ESV

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

James doesn’t begin this passage by talking about external circumstances — he goes straight for the heart. He exposes the true source of our relational strife: the desires that battle within us. You see, the real war isn’t between you and your spouse, or you and your coworker, or you and that difficult church member. It’s deeper than that. It’s a war between two kingdoms — God’s kingdom and your kingdom — and only one can rule your heart at any given moment.

You see, when idols sit on the throne of your heart — whether it’s comfort, control, approval, or success — you’ll defend your kingdom at all costs. When someone blocks your desires, they’re not just irritating you; they’re threatening your god. That’s why conflict feels so deeply personal, that’s why you feel attacked — because your idols are being challenged.

What happens here is that…

Idolatry Fuels Relational Warfare

Every conflict is a collision of kingdoms: my kingdom versus God’s kingdom.

We often think our conflicts are about personalities, preferences, maybe misunderstandings — but James reminds us the real issue is worship. Every argument you have reveals a throne problem. Who’s ruling in this moment — Christ, or my craving for control?

The deal is that when your kingdom is challenged, you will defend it. You’ll use anger to intimidate, silence to manipulate, or withdrawal to punish. But when God’s kingdom rules your heart, even disagreements becomes an opportunity to love, forgive, and ultimately reflect Christ.

Think about it: in moments of tension, are you more concerned about God’s glory or your comfort? About His will being done, or your will being respected? That’s the battlefield of idolatry — and it’s why relationships so often bear the wounds of our misplaced worship.

When Desires Rule the Heart, Peace Dies

What rules your heart determines how you respond to others. When a desire — even a good desire — takes God’s place, it becomes a demand.

“I want” turns into “I must have.” And when “I must have” goes unmet, conflict is inevitable. You will lash out, sulk, withdraw, or manipulate because your peace was never anchored in God; it was anchored in our idol.

But when God rules the heart, peace reigns even when desires go unfulfilled. The Spirit produces patience where the flesh once produced frustration. The gospel frees us to say, “Even if I don’t get what I want, I already have everything I need in Christ.”

So if you want to diagnose the source of your conflict, look at what you feel entitled to. Look at what makes you most anxious or angry. Often, that’s the idol that’s taken the throne — and until that idol is deposed, peace will remain out of reach.

When idols declare war, they don’t just make us defensive — they change the way we see and treat people.

Your Idols Change How You See and Treat Others

James 4:1–3 ESV

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

James reminds us that this war isn’t passive — it’s active. These cravings, these desires, are not just whispering; they are literally waging war within you. And the battleground isn’t just inside your heart — it absolutely spills out into every relationship you have.

That means every conflict you face is being filtered through what rules your heart.

If your heart is ruled by the idol of comfort, anyone who disrupts your peace becomes the enemy.

If your heart is ruled by control, anyone who won’t cooperate becomes a threat.

If your heart is ruled by approval, anyone who disapproves of you becomes unbearable.

You see, when idols rule your heart, people lose their God-given value. They become either tools to serve your desires or obstacles standing in your way. Instead of loving people for God’s glory, you begin to use them for your own.

Here’s what happens frequently…

Idols Rewrite Your Relational Lens

When your heart craves control, comfort, or approval, you start to see people differently.

Every interaction becomes a test of whether they will serve your idol or threaten it. Your boss isn’t just a boss — he’s either a pathway to your approval or a barrier to your success. Your spouse isn’t just your companion — They are either a source of comfort or preventing your peace.

Matthew 6:22–23 ESV

“The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

Jesus’ point is that whatever fills your gaze—your focus—fills your soul. If your focus is on idols, darkness floods in effecting how you relate to everyone around you.

Then when people help your idol, you embrace them… you love them. But when they threaten your idol, you attack or avoid them.

So the more the gospel rules your heart, the more your relationships will transform. People stop being competitors and start being image-bearers. You begin to respond to conflict with grace instead of defensiveness. When idols declare war, they don’t just make you defensive—they distort how you see people—turning loved ones into obstacles.

Of course, idols don’t stop there. They’re not content with distorting your relationships—they want to own your desires completely.

Idols Take What’s Good and Make It God

James 4:1 ESV

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?

James asks, “Isn’t it the passions that are already at war in you?”

It starts so small.

“I wish” becomes “I want.”

“I want” becomes “I need.”

And before long, “I need” turns into “You must.”

And when that person doesn’t deliver, we punish them — with our words, our silence, or our distance.

That’s when Desires become Demands!

That’s what idols do. They take good things — love, respect, comfort, success — and twist them into ultimate things. What began as a gift becomes a god.

The thing is…Jesus shows us a better way. Jesus meets a woman who has been drinking from all of the wrong wells. She’s been chasing relationships, approval, love—yet she is still so empty.

John 4:13–14 ESV

Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

Talk about appealing to a person that is thirsty for truth. Only Jesus can actually satisfy the thirst that we are searching out idols for. Everything else, money, marriage, friendships, control, comfort, everything else promises refreshment…but always leave you parched.

The truth is painfully simple. The thing is…you already know this, yet you get enticed by your idols anyway. What you already know is that idols always lie! They promise satisfaction, but only ever deliver slavery. Only Jesus offers living water that never runs out.

So if our idols start wars, distort our vision, and hijack our desires—what’s the way back to peace? Well—it starts where the battle began: in the heart.

Christ Alone Must reclaim Your Heart

Psalm 139:23–24 ESV

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

So when conflict flares up in your life, it’s not random. It’s not bad luck. It’s not just your spouse, your kids, or your coworkers getting under your skin. It’s God — graciously, wisely, purposefully — using people and circumstances to expose what’s ruling your heart.

Now let me just say this real quick, if God is showing you your heart today, that’s mercy — He only reveals what He intends to redeem.

The thing is, we often pray for relief from our struggles, but God is after something deeper. He’s after refinement.

Romans 8:28 ESV

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

That means the tension in your marriage, the misunderstanding with your friend, the difficult coworker, even the teenager who’s testing your patience — all of that is in God’s hands.

God is using these things to reveal what’s really sitting on the throne of your heart. Because before God can reclaim your heart, you have to see your heart for what it is.

So what I want to encourage you to do today…is…

Let God Expose Your Heart

The truth is that the prayer of Psalm 139 is not a safe prayer — it’s a dangerous one—it’s a scary one. “Search me, O God… test me… know me.” That’s not asking God to give you a spiritual oil change— that’s asking Him to pop the hood put on the pressure and show you what’s broken underneath.

It’s like going to a doctor and saying, “Don’t just make me feel better — find out what’s really wrong.” Don’t just talk to me for 5 minutes and give me a prescription. I want to know what’s really going on.

And here’s the truth—and I know you may not like to hear this, but here it is: God often uses conflict as the MRI for your soul.

You see, when you’re in conflict, what comes out of your mouth, what rises up in your emotions — that’s not new. You’re just finally seeing it.

Brad Bigney says in Gospel Treason:

“God loves you enough to make sure that what’s in your heart eventually comes out — because what comes out is what He wants to deal with.” —Brad Bigney

You and I can’t be healed if we deny we’re sick. We can’t repent of what we won’t face.

So when God exposes that anger, that jealousy, that demand to be right — don’t push it away. Don’t justify it and say it’s ok because of what they were doing.

In other words…don’t say, “Well, if they hadn’t…” Instead, try something like this, “Lord, thank You for showing me what’s ruling my heart. Please help me surrender it.”

You see, that is a daily attitude you should have. You should

Surrender to Christ Daily

The thing is that once the heart is exposed, then the next step is surrender. And not a one-time, emotional, mountaintop surrender — but a real, practical, daily surrender.

The reality is that every morning when you wake up, in your heart sits a throne. Someone’s going to sit on on that throne today — either you or Christ.

That’s why Jesus said

Luke 9:23 ESV

And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

Every day, you must say:

“Jesus, this heart belongs to You. My relationships belong to You. My reputation, my comfort, my desires — are all Yours.”

Because when Christ rules your heart, your idols will lose their power.

When Christ rules the heart, you stop trying to play God in your relationships. You stop manipulating, punishing, demanding.

You start loving people — not for what they can give you, but because of what Christ has already given you. The reality is that those relationships owe you nothing, because Christ already gave it all to you.

Bigney says this:

“You don’t need a new spouse, job, or church. You need a new heart set free from its idols.” —Brad Bigney

A heart with Christ on the throne, is a heart at rest. And when your heart rests in Him, you can finally bring peace into your relationships — not because people got easier, but because Jesus got bigger.

The good news is that Jesus doesn’t just expose our idols—He forgives us, redeems us, and gives us a new heart that loves better.

So as we close today, maybe it’s time to stop asking God to fix everyone else… and start asking Him to search you.

Folks, here’s the truth — none of us came in here today with clean hands when it comes to our relationships.

We’ve all tried to sit on a throne that doesn’t belong to us. We’ve all tried to be the king or queen of our little kingdoms — in our homes, our marriages, our friendships, our workplaces. And when someone threatened our rule, we fought back — with our words, with our silence, with our coldness, or with our pride.

But the good news — the Gospel — is that Jesus Christ came to rescue idol-worshipers like you and me. He didn’t just come to make bad relationships a little better — He came to give dead hearts brand new life.

Romans 5:8 ESV

but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

That means, where we demanded our own way, Jesus surrendered His. Where we punished others for their failures, Jesus took ours. Where we built our own little kingdoms, Jesus gave His life to bring us into His.

So maybe today, God’s Spirit has been holding up a mirror to your heart. You’ve seen things you didn’t want to see — selfish desires, bitterness, control, fear. Church, don’t look away. Don’t push it down. Don’t make excuses, and don’t say, “Ill deal with this later”

Instead, bring it to the cross.

Repent — not with shame, but with hope. Because the same Jesus who exposes your idols is the One who died to set you free from them.

And when you come to Him, He doesn’t shame you — He cleans you. He doesn’t condemn you — He restores you. He doesn’t point out your sin to humiliate you — He points it out so He can heal you.

Folks, that’s the Gospel.

And here’s what happens when Christ truly reclaims your heart: You stop using people to get what you want. You start loving them the way you are loved. You stop demanding that others fill your emptiness. You start drawing your joy and peace from the only One who never runs dry.

That’s what it looks like when God rules over your relationships.

So here’s my invitation today — let’s make this personal:

Would you ask the Lord to reclaim your heart?

Would you ask Him to forgive you for trying to be the ruler of your relationships?

Would you ask Him to sit on the throne of your heart again?

Let’s pray the words of Psalm 139:23-24 together:

Psalm 139:23–24 ESV

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

Because when Christ is King of your heart, peace will reign in your home. When Christ rules your heart, grace will shape every relationship.

So make that a reality today…

Let’s pray