Men’s Night Discussion

Format:

6:00 - 6:20: Start eating

6:20-6:50: Lecture on non-anxious leadership or leading with confidence

6:50-7:15: Paul speak to counseling situations and experience from women’s testimony of anxious leadership

7:15 - 8:00: Panel and open questions

8:00 - 8:30: Break out groups

Non-Anxious Leadership — Leading from Confidence

Introduction

The need and demand for every man to be a non-anxious leader

Adam and Eve

Being present with her but not protecting her

Blame shifting

Putting her in harms way, but also when Adam knew the penalty was death, he offered his wife up

The counter, of course, is Ephesians 5, that husbands are to be like the new Adam, who loved His wife, was there for her in her weakness, defeated the serpent, and laid his own life down.

We are to be shock absorbers as leaders, settling down that emotional panic.

We need to be confident, or non-anxious, but what does that look like? That’s what we will discuss tonight. We will start with what might be the most obvious, being calm instead of anxious, but there are many other ways that might not seem so flagrant but have the same effect.

Confident and non-anxious vs. Insecure and anxious

Not frantic or frenetic

Illustration: Captain Sobel story from Band of Brothers — his insecurity made him cruel and controlling,

Question:

Passive and Indifferent

This has the benefit of not looking anxious at first glance — it looks more calm, but it is anxious in a different way. It’s anxious about the requirements and demands of leadership, that things will be too hard, so it abdicates through indifference and fear. It refuses to take responsibility.

Passive aggressive.

Illustration:

Question:

Fear

We fear the opinions of others or the fallout that will occur if we point out the elephant in the room.

First, let’s look at the fear of man.

Illustration: Aaron and Saul

Question:

Fear of fallout

Fear of not keeping the peace. Peace at all costs.

Appeasement monger. Someone’s approval is the standard for what is right.

A man who is afraid to stand up to his wife will never be able to stand up for his wife.

Guilty

Leading from a guilty conscience. I’ve failed before so no one will follow me. Or, I have a secret sin and it is pulling me back from trying. I know that I am a hypocrite.

“The integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them.” (Proverbs 11:3, ESV)

“When the righteous increase, the people rejoice, but when the wicked rule, the people groan.” (Proverbs 29:2, ESV)

You can’t see things clearly when you are filled with sin.

Responsive vs. Reactive

Being sober-minded

“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.” (Galatians 6:1, ESV)

“Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” (Proverbs 16:32, ESV)6:32

Thermostat vs. Thermometer illustration

Taking space to respond — prayer or confrontation

Don’t lose playfulness

Question:

Insecurity

“The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are bold as a lion.” (Proverbs 28:1, ESV)

Example: Samuel

Jealousy and bitterness of David

They have credited David with tens of thousands,’ he thought, ‘but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?’” (1 Sam. 18:8)

Didn’t destroy the Amalekites

“I have sinned. I violated the Lord’s command… I was afraid of the people and so I gave in to them.” (1 Sam. 15:24)

Did’t wait upon the Lord but tried to be a priest

“I saw the men were scattering… and that you did not come at the set time… so I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering.” (1 Sam. 13:11–12)

Question:

Blame Displacement

Avoiding responsibility

We saw this with Adam — “the woman you gave me made me do it”, but we also see this in Aaron and the golden calf

Analysis Paralysis

Data junkies who talk too much and ask too many questions. You think that if you have enough data you can find a way to solve the problem and make everyone happy. You can’t. You’ll fail to lead and be decisive and leave everyone hanging.

Illustration: Colin Powell’s 40%-70% rule

Question:

Courage — not being risk-averse (Leadership of being)

Lacks courage and imagination

Herding, just because “everyone is doing it”

Illustration is Christopher Columbus and the renaissance. It wasn’t just from gathering new data, it was acting with courage and emotion from what you already know and have.

Columbus didn’t know about the new world. He didn’t know if he was sailing 3000 miles or 10000 to get to Japan. He had to take courage to stumble upon the Americas

It wasn’t new data that created the Renaissance, mostly new passion and courage.

Don’t lose your imagination

Don’t keep seeking different answers to the same question. Be able to ask new questions of your situation. Instead of “why doesn’t she respect me” as “am I respectable”.

Seeking Wise Counsel (Humility)

Two navy ships were on maneuvers in heavy fog. The captain on the bridge saw a faint light ahead. He signaled,

“Change your course 20 degrees north.”

The reply came back,

“Change your course 20 degrees south.”

Irritated, the captain barked,

“I’m a captain! Change your course!”

Back came the reply,

“I’m a seaman second class. You change your course.”

Now furious, he shouted,

“I’m on a battleship!”

The reply:

“And I’m in a lighthouse.”

“Plans are established by counsel; by wise guidance wage war.” — Proverbs 20:18

“A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” — Proverbs 18:2

The Quick Fix

Seeking the quickest path to relief instead of endurance, nutrition, and maturation. This often looks like cutting off those who will help you grow.

Leading for change

It doesn’t necessarily have to take two to tango — someone who takes responsibility for themselves and regulates instead of reacts, in stead of asking “who has the problem” they ask “who has the motivation to focus on strength, not weakness and on leadership not pathology?”