This Mystery of Marriage #4: It Takes Two- 4 Ingredients for Intimacy in Marriage, 1 Corinthians 7:1-7

Introduction: Can you remember when your parents had “the talk” with you? It was pretty awkward, wasn’t it? When my dad had “the talk” with me, we were about 20 feet up a tree, in a deer stand. I guess it was easier to have “the talk” up there where I couldn’t get away.

Besides being awkward, “the talk” came just a little too late. We were already having “the talk” at school. I had already stayed the night at friends’ houses who had cable, & we’d seen “the talk” played out right in front of us. But “the talk” us boys had, “the talk” we’d seen on tv, wasn’t the right talk. It was from the world’s point-of-view & not God’s perspective, so it was skewed- sinful. “The talk” I’m referring to is sex.

I debated about not including “the talk” in this series. I even asked a couple preaching advisers to see what they thought. Their advice was that sex is so pervasive in our culture, you just can’t get away from it, that the church must talk about it in a godly spiritual way. After all, God is the One who created sex, He wrote the book on sex, sex impacts all of us, & it’s only right for us to get His perspective, so let’s have “the talk,” not the mechanics of it, but the meaning of it- intimacy.

1 Corinthians 7:1-5,Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, & let each woman have her own husband. 3Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Those of a certain age will remember the Hank Williams song “Hey Good Lookin’, what’cha got cookin’, how’s about cookin’ something up with me.” In my ministry I’ve been surprised by the number of married people who were lacking intimacy in marriage. Intimacy isn’t only sex, there’s more to it than that, & I think this text will give us 4 ingredients for “cookin’ up something good,”for having intimacy in marriage.

1. DECISION: ADHERENCE OF THE MIND, VSS. 1-2

Context: this passage is part of a larger section of 1 Corinthians in which Paul was dealing with a series of questions from the church.  It seems this statement “it is good for a man not to touch a woman”was a slogan being bandied about by some married believers in Corinth to deprive their spouses of sexual relations, as if not having sex was a sign of being super spiritual. Touch a woman is a euphemism for sexual intimacy. There are translations of the word “touch” that are used for lighting a lampor kindling a fire; that’s what sexual touch does. ILL: it’s what Jim Morrison (Doors) meant when he sang “Come on baby light my fire.”

Paul’s restatement of the slogan was to address it, not endorse it. Later he will acknowledge both the gifts of celibacy & singleness, but he is not saying that should be true for married people. He’s saying quite the opposite, that because of rampant sexual immorality that permeated the Corinthian culture the man should havehis wife, & the woman should have her husband. Corinth was full of sexual deviancy, a lot of it related to idolatry. Immorality (Gr. porneia, fornication) especially related to prostitution, & in Corinth most likely temple prostitution.

Most of us, when we took our wedding vows, repeated some form of “will you take (so & so) to be your lawfully wedded (wife or husband) from this day forward, to have and to hold…” The having & the holding is what is meant in Genesis 2:24, Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Adrian Rogers- 7 principles of choice #5: One Big Choice Will Take Care of a Lot of Little Ones. Let’s say you are a man who has made up his mind that you’re going to be loyal to your wife. Then, you see, you don’t have to worry when you check into a hotel whether to watch pornography or not. You don’t have to be concerned whether you’re going to flirt with another woman. You don’t have to keep making that decision to be loyal to your wife. You already made that decision, and that one big decision takes care of a lot of the other little decisions.

That’s what we’re talking about in this point- we don’t have to wrestle with a daily decision to have & hold our spouse because we made that decision when we got married. We already promised to adhere to them. Intimacy starts in the mind before it ever gets to the heart.

2. DISPOSITION: ATTITUDE OF THE HEART, VS. 3

The attitude we’re talking about here is one of goodwill. The word affection- goodwill, a sense of benevolence, an inclination to do kind or charitable acts. The word render- is something you owe, something you are bound to do by obligation. Due- to pay back, or repay, to make good; it is to fulfill or make good on an oath or a promise.

Traditional wedding vows: “I, _____, take thee, _____, to be my wedded wife (husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”

Once we’ve taken these vows, we are obligated to do them. We owe our spouses that much to make good on our promise. What we’re talking about here is not just the willingnessbut the “want to”, not just the decision but the disposition, not just the adherence but the attitude, not just the mindbut also the heart.

When we’re dating or engaged, or newlyweds, marital feelings are easier to have. The choice or decision to cling to this person is still new & exciting, & there’s a lot to discover about them. But fast forward 10 years, 25 years, 50 years, & those feelings can wane. It’s when that happens that we need to remind ourselves of the decision we made & turn our disposition (the attitude of our hearts) towards our spouse.

Philippians 4:8, Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. Apply this to our spouse: whatever we think about, feelings will follow.If our general disposition towards our spouse is charitable, thinking the best not the worst, giving them the benefit of doubt, not doubting their benefit to us, then feelings of affection will follow.

This is love- a choice, not a feeling. When you choose to love, you choose to do what’s best for the other person regardless of how you feel. If you do that long enough, hard enough, deep enough, feelings of affection will follow. Biblical affection is not passive; it's a feeling that motivates positive actions- in the marital relationship, we show deference to our spouses, putting their needs above our own.

3. DEFERENCE: ACCESS TO THE BODY, VS. 4

This is where things could get tricky, because of objections to the lack of bodily autonomy that is in this verse- the wife doesn’t have authority over her body, the husband does, & the husband doesn’t have authority over his body, the wife does. The good news is, at least it goes both ways. 2 ideas related to this point: Authority & Mutuality.

Authority (exousiazo). At its root, the word ousia refers to property, wealth; exousia- authority or power; e.g., Matthew 28:18-20, And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth… Exousiazo-to have the right of control. Let’s be clear, the text isn’t saying that husbands & wives are the ultimate authorities of everything about their spouse, or that either party loses their autonomy or individuality, it’s about their sexual life together. In a marital relationship, the spouse has the right to their partner’s body.

Mutuality- it’s not just the wife who gives up authority of her body, but likewise the husband too. The idea here is that both people are willing to defer to the physical needs of their spouse by giving them access to their body. Deference means humble submission & respect.

Paul talks about submission & respect in Ephesians 5:22, 25, 33, 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord… 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her… 33 let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Love & respect are like two knobs on the stove top. Have you ever tried to cook something, but you turned on the wrong stove eye? I’ve burned more than one Tupperware lid that way. Wife, if you want to cook with your husband, he’s got to know that you respect him. Husband, if you want to cook with your wife, she has to know that you love her. If you want to cook, love & respect are the knobs that turn on the burner.

Sometimes one may be cooking with gas, while the other cooks with electric, & they’re not hot at the same time. Deference means giving your spouse access to your body when even you don’t feel it, & sometimes it means refraining from it when they don’t feel it- love & respect, authority & mutuality. Intimacy means deferring to the needs of the other. To do that, there must be agreement.

4. DEVOTION: AGREEMENT OF THE SOUL, VS. 5

Do not deprive- defraud, or steal; it means keeping the other person from having something that belongs to them, i.e., their spouses’ body. For one person to make the decision to not have sex is to cheat the other person out of something that is rightfully theirs. This is what “one flesh” is about- Sex is the symbol that TWO people have become ONE.

Becoming “one flesh” is the reason why premarital & extramarital sex is sin. 1 Corinthians 6:16-18, Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For “the two,” He says, “shall become one flesh.” 17 But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him. 18 Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. For Christians, the soul is one with Jesus; the body is one with our spouse.

Two things arise- if we are going to have intimacy in marriage, we need (1) COMMUNICATION with our spouse, & (2) COMMUNION with Jesus. If a Christian married couple is going to refrain from sexual intimacy, then it’s supposed to be by mutual consent, or agreement, & it should be for the purpose of spiritual growth, e.g., prayer & fasting. Fasting is a denial of the needs of the body to pursue the needs of the soul. For Christian couples, sexual intimacy is great; spiritual intimacy is greater.

Marital intimacy starts in the mind, moves down into the heart, & is consummated by the body. In the Christian act of marriage, something deeper is happening, in the soul. Making a marital connection at the soul level where two people know Christ, love Christ, & pursue Christ is better than making a body connection. When spiritual intimacy undergirds sexual intimacy, it makes sexual intimacy so much better.

The joining of 2 minds, 2 hearts, & 2 bodies is strengthened when their 2 souls are connected through Christ. If couples decide together to take a break from pursuing one another to pursue Christ, only do it for a limited time, because the body has needs, & Satan will use that physical need to tempt you. In Christian marriage, it’s not super spiritual to not have sexual intimacy, rather, sexual intimacy may be the sign that your spiritual life is right on track. Sex is not the ultimate union, union with Christ is. Whether married or not, spiritual intimacy with Jesus is the most vital connection to have.