Session 3: Pursuing Dating and Marriage

Introduction:

Illust: I was on a trip to Greece and Turkey, and at one point in our journey we stopped in the city of Corinth. Corinth is an ancient Biblical city, two letters of the Bible, 1 and 2 Corinthians were written to there. The city was dedicated to the goddess Aphrodite. Want to know how people worshiped the goddess aphrodite? They had sex, they became prostitutes, they had no care or concern for who or what they did it with. Paul the apostle arrived in this city, a city where every turn we saw lewd statues, gross imagry, and grosser practices. When he came to this city, he did not feel brave. He saw the lifestyle, and he knew that these people were living wrongly. They needed Jesus, they needed the gospel. So Paul, trusted God, and preached that gospel.

1 Corinthians 2:2–5 ESV

For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

He was scared, he was terrified. Why? Because everyone those people loved their way of understanding sex and relationships, and they knew no different! That was their world! It’s what everyone did. And Paul was asking them to let it all go, and do things God’s way instead. It is a painful, life changing demand.

I feel that same fear right now. Because I am going to tell you that everything the world tells you about love, how to do things, and how a relationship should go, is wrong.

You have learned about relationships, whether you like it or not.

You might be used to the church telling you what not to do, but not telling you what to do.

But I love you too much, I want to spare you from hurt. So much pain can be avoided if we just are willing to admit God’s way is better, even if my desires, my feeling, and my world tell me otherwise.

I need two things from you:

1) Humility. Would you be willing to admit blind spots? Would you be willing to let go of idols?

2) Faith. Would you trust that even though God’s way may seem like something that could jeopardize your plans for a relationship, maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe God has better plans for your marriage than you have right now. Maybe he has a perfect plan, a plan that goes against your plan. I think he wants you to let go of how you want it to go, and possibly even who you want it to go with.

Pray

Illust: John could not wait to drive. He considered himself a natural “car guy” growing up, collecting hot wheels, driving in circles on his culdesac in a little electric kid car, helping his dad work on the family vehicle, he was made for this. John felt like he just had this way with cars, and his whole life he was itching for the time where he could take his very own automotive to the streets. When he was 15 and the time came for his permit test, John studied up. As far as he was concerned, he was ready to drive, but he had to get past this obstacle of a test keeping him away from his true love. So he checked all the boxes, memorized the information, regurgitated it to the computer screen, and passed without a second thought. When the time came for the driving test, John begrudgingly practiced with his dad, sitting through long lectures about blind spots, four way intersections, and parallel parking. He had this and he thought his dad was taking it a little too seriously. He painfully stayed at the speed limit during his test to please the critical driving instructor who studied his every action. John easily passed the test, and as he waited in the DMV to receive his license, his leg bounced up and down, eager to finally be let loose to enjoy what he was always meant to. Upon returning home from the DMV, license in hand, life got even better as his parents surprised him with his very own 2015 Ford Mustang (his parents were pretty well off). John could hardly believe it, finally, he can be free to enjoy life. He would be complete, content, and finally let loose. So every night, John would drive. Nowhere in particular, but he started off by just hanging around nearby. Somewhere safe (just to make his parents feel comfortable). But as he drove around town, he wasn’t satisfied. This wasn’t giving him the thrill, the pleasure he wanted. So each night, John drove a little farther, and a little faster. Soon he was hitting speeds of 80, to 90, to over 100 miles per hour in places half an hour away from home. It cost him gas, but he didn’t care. He was always chasing that next thrill. Until one night, John was driving down a long straight road through the desert, not unlike the ones you would see going west towards Neenach. As he was going, he felt untouchable. It was past 10:00pm at this point, he was in the middle of nowhere, and no one was out in about. So he decided to see how far he could go. His foot slowly pressed farther and farther down on the gas peddle as the odomoter on his dashboard began rose higher and higher. He felt the engine roar with power more and more and his heart soared with it. As he zoomed down the road at 120 miles per hour, objects like desert trees and telephone poles on the side of the road started to become blurry images, objects including the “Stop Sign Warning” sign. John rapidly approached an four way intersection where a young woman had safely and correctly stopped at the sign. While she saw the rapidly approaching lights to her left, she had good faith in the driver honor the boundaries set by the law and began to roll right into the center of the road. By the time John noticed the young lady’s car and slammed on the brakes, it was too late. His skidding automotive smashed into the back half of her vehicle sending her car spinning and his rolling off the side of the road. Through the concussive impact of each roll and the sounds of shattering glass, John’s thrill and pleasure immediately turned to terror, grief, and regret. Thankfully, by the hand and mercies of a providential and loving God, John and the young woman both survived the collision, sustaining mostly only minor injuries. But both vehicles were completely totaled, including John’s precious Ford Mustang. John recieved a $1,000 fine and a suspend on his drivers license. But that wasn’t the worst consequence. John’s love for the road changed after that day. It turned into fear. A month later when he got back on to the road, he hesitated to even enter the car. The joy was gone because all he knew was the hurt it brought him.

The issue for John was not the existence of cars, it was not the existence of the road, those were good things. It was that John missed the point of driving. Transportation. It’s just to get you from one place to another. What did he really want? Pleasure. There can be joy in driving, but he was trying to satisfy his heart with the wrong thing. Because he had nowhere to go and no boundaries set, he went the wrong way, in the wrong manner, to disastrous consequences.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you dating. The transportation to marriage that the world thinks is the end goal. The ultimate vessel for reckless driving when you don’t know where you are going or where appropriate boundaries are.

You see, trying to find a spouse in this world and pursue marriage is like driving through crazy traffic with roads going everywhere.

I once saw a video where an American says “In America we drive on the right side of the road.” A British man replies saying “in Britain we drive on the left side of the road.” Then the video shows a russian man dodging speeding cards coming from all directions to which he says “In Russia, road is road. Drive where you want!”

Our world’s view of romance looks like Russia right now. Cars are flying everywhere, every direction, doing whatever they want. Sometimes without realizing it we try what those cars do, we want to go where those cars are going. But it is dangerous. We could crash.

So how does the Christian navigate this? The same way you are told to when you first learn to drive. Defensively. With your guard up, and according to the instructions.

I want you to survive, so I am going to give you 4 points from Scripture of defensive driving dating to honor God in a world without boundaries.

4 Principles of Defensive Driving Dating:

1. Set the Right Destination God Wants

Before we talk about dating, we need to talk about marriage.

There is a fundamental worldview change from whatever anyone thinks that we need to get right.

Wired within you, you have a desire to be known and to know someone.

God has made us all as worshippers, we like to behold beauty and go nuts about it.

But we also want to be known by beauty, to receive pleasure from beauty.

God has put eternity into your heart.

Who made marriage? Who made intimacy?

If it was man, if it is us, we get to change it.

Whatever we feel like, it goes! Relationships can change with culture. What is sexually okay and not okay can change.

We made it, so no one can tell us what to do with it.

We can also toss marriage aside. That’s what a lot of people are doing now. They argue for “co-habitation” instead. You have intimacy, you share a house, but you don’t make a covenant.

But if God made it, we are dealing with something completely different.

He decides the rules, he gives men a role and women a role. He decides the standard, he decides the purpose. And that purpose does not change because God’s nature does not change.

God has made marriage for man as a gift. It is a joy, it is worth pursuing. We should want to do things God’s way.

Marriage is good. The desire for marriage is good. Growing up, I wanted to be married badly. But as a young Christian, I learned something kind of scary.

Matthew 22:30 ESV

For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.

Marriage is not in heaven. Because marriage is not heaven, neither is sex.

But wait! I thought marriage is good? Why didn’t it make the heaven cut if it was a good thing?

So I got anxious. I thought, how do I make sure I get married before Jesus comes back.

What happened in my heart? I started to love marriage, more than Jesus. When that happens, I am willing to do whatever I want to get the pleasure that marriage promises. The intimacy, the security. I will break the rules of God to get this gift of God.

This is the most foolish, blinding thing I could do. I completely misunderstood marriage and what it offered, and how it fit into the plan of God.

You see, marriage is in heaven.

But not the way you think.

God has made all creation, and everything he has in creation is to teach us about him, for his glory.

Ephesians 5:31–33 ESV

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

You see when you become saved to Christ, it is a marriage covenant to him. You come under his house as his bride and we are blessed by him, we know him.

But there is this waiting that happens here on earth, we don’t have the marriage supper of the lamb yet, we aren’t fully united with him to consummate our marriage.

So God gave us this thing in the meantime as training wheels, as bootcamp to continually reminding us of our marriage to him and teach us about him.

He gave us the marriage of man and woman. From the garden, that was always the purpose! God decided to make marriage and sex with it as this picture of a much better experience you will have in heaven.

Psalm 16:11 ESV

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

If you don’t get married on earth, does that stop your marriage to Christ in heaven? Will you miss out?

No, even if you end up single your whole life on earth you miss out on nothing because the ultimate pleasure is knowing Jesus. Earthly marriage fades away because the better thing has arrived.

So why bother with marriage? Why bother with the sex that comes with it?

Both those things teach you about Jesus more.

Do you want to know Jesus more?

If you want to serve Christ, stay single. If you want to be more like Christ, get married.

So why is this important to dating?

Because the human relationship was never meant to fix you. It was never meant to satisfy you.

Do you want to have a relationship because it will make you feel loved?

Do you want one because it will finally give you an outlet for your lust and you won’t sin anymore?

Do you want one so you can feel secure? Someone will get a good job and take care of your future?

Those things will never satisfy.

Let me show you how the mission you put in dating affects the way it goes:

Mission: Satisfy Myself with another human.

Result: Both have selfish mission that goes against each other. Leads to frustration over unmet expectations and distraction from true satisfaction in Christ.

Mission: Satisfy myself with Christ

Result: You find a partner seeking the same mission and work with them. You both have the goal of loving one another as you have been loved by Christ, meaning you are satisfied in Him.

The Destination: A covenant union with the opposite sex that will teach me about the love I have with Christ more.

2. Stay in God’s Lane According to God’s Book

This has to do with our obedience to Christ. When Christ is first in the relationship, you will obey him.

If Christ is not first, you will do whatever you can to get what is first, including sin.

You must have boundaries before you enter any marriage that you have made between you and God.

Job 31:1 ESV

“I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?

Two Ways of Viewing Marriage and Dating:

How the World Views Marriage

Friendship

Platonic, no romantic initial interest.

No difference of friendships with the same sex from the opposite sex

Dating

Test run of emotional intimacy.

Test run of physical intimacy.

Purpose is pleasure and fun,

Marriage irrelevant to purpose of dating.

Marriage

Purpose is stability and symbiotic benefit.

Agreement to physical exclusivity.

Divorce is acceptable when the marriage grows inconvenient.

How God Views Marriage

No Covenant

Covenant

So we must understand

Malachi 2:14 ESV

But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.

God operates with mankind in these things called covenants. They are like super binding promises where both parties agree to hold their end of the bargain.

Now for each of the covenants God gives us in the Bible, he gives a physical sign to demonstrate the spiritual promises going on.

For Noah, it was the rainbow. For Abraham, circumcision. For Moses, the Sabbath.

Marriage is a covenant, and it has it’s own sign. Sex.

What do I mean by sex? I mean all of it. Not just the physical act, but the closeness.

The sign of the covenant is physical affection. Without the covenant, there should be no sign.

So we want to be good covenant keepers with God.

Song of Solomon 8:4 ESV

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.

Don’t Entertain Love Until Marriage

Physically

Not just sex, but anything that is done to pursue pleasure outside of a covenant.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to hold a girls hand, but ask yourself, why?

Emotionally

You might not be doing things physically, but maybe you are sharing personal details, being emotionally dependant, and trying to find value for yourself in how that person sees you.

God’s Lane: It’s just a friendship until it’s a covenant.

3. Stop in Peace at the Red Lights God Puts in Your Life

Hosea 2:5–6 ESV

For their mother has played the whore; she who conceived them has acted shamefully. For she said, ‘I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.’ Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths.

Parents

Must be done through the parents.

Ladies, if he is not willing to talk to your dad, you think this clown will defend you?

Guys, you can’t ever pretend you provide for her when you can’t even pursue her right. You claim you would slay a dragon when you won’t even respect the king of her castle.

What if the parents of the two of you disagree? What if there are separated parents? And one is strict and the other is not?

You honor both, but defer always to the stricter parent.

The looser family does not give you permission to disobey the other.

When we do that, we show God that we idolize our pleasure more than our plan.

Song of Solomon 8:8–9 ESV

We have a little sister, and she has no breasts. What shall we do for our sister on the day when she is spoken for? If she is a wall, we will build on her a battlement of silver, but if she is a door, we will enclose her with boards of cedar.

Illust: Jamila and I and her parents.

Church Leaders

Reflected Interest

Some of you guys need to know, if they don’t like you back right now, you must see that as a closed door.

Stage of Life

Is marriage in the near horizon?

Never put an age on when you are ready to date.

It has nothing to do with age, it has to do with readiness.

You will drive the car for the purpose of having a car

The Red Lights: They are there to protect you from yourself.

4. Steer Carefully and Confident Through God’s Green Lights

Seek peace in God’s plan

Psalm 127:1-2 - Trust God to provide you a spouse if that is his will.

Psalm 127:1–2 ESV

Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.

Seek a partner with the same mission

Give up the spouse the world wants you to have.

Look for the spouse God wants you to have.

Watch your friendships with the opposite sex.

Seek the others best when expressing interest.

Ruth 3

Seek Friendship not physicality

Talk:

Talk about mutual interests.

Talk about life goals.

Talk about Christ and Scripture.

Find fun, group activities, that are approved by your parents.

Do not set each other up on one-on-one situations.

The only successful high-school relationships I have witnessed are the ones that were simply friends, that were cautious about where they put themselves, that partnered with their parents.

Setting boundaries

Flee dangrous places

Esteem the kiss highly.

Jamila and I kissed.

Some people feel uncomfortable doing it at the altar, which I understand.

My best friend Joe did it a week before his wedding. I wish I did that.

The Green Lights: Look and seek for a “sole mate” rather than a “soul mate.”

Conclusion

Why should you pursue marriage? To get to know Christ more.

If you want to be emotionally satisfied, sacrificially loved, content in intimacy, then seek Christ, not a relationship.

Christ has married himself to you in all your mistakes, your sexual sins, and he has loved you sacrifically, unconditionally.

Don’t you want to do that for someone else?

If there is any desire that rises above that, you will sin and you will fall.

Is it belonging,

Be content in this season by pursuing him, he is the best part of singleness or marriage.

“Drive straight after the Lord, then look to your left and your right, and see who is keeping up with you.”