A Framework for Parenting & Discipleship

2 Timothy 3:14–4:5 ESV

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.

Big Idea

Encouraging

Catch your kids doing good things, right things

Call out the good in them

Reinforce what you want to see; don’t just reject what you don’t want to see

Positive reinforcement will always trump negative reinforcement

Point them toward what you desire for them, don’t just direct them away from what you don’t desire for them

Teaching

They don’t know what they don’t know -- and they don’t know a LOT, despite what they might say

You can’t punish a kid for not knowing something you’ve never taught them nor shown them

This is direct, primarily. Indirect teaching -- teaching or leading by example -- is supplementary to direct, hands-on teaching

The saying ‘some things are better caught than taught’ is only marginally true when it comes to kids.

Yes, you will lead by your example. It will prove out to them what you or your wife have said to them. But to think they will only catch it is at best naive and likely an abdication of your responsibility as a father to teach your children (Deut. 6)

Be proactive; be involved; be teaching with your words, with your hands, with your example, with their involvement

Correcting

When they know the difference but step outside the lines anyway, they need to be brought back into line

This isn’t a major offense; this is where they’ve been taught, they’ve even done it right before, but now they’re pushing a boundary or have forgotten or are simply being lazy or negligent.

This is bumper bowling -- the ball is trying to go in the gutter, but you’re there to get it back in its lane and headed in the right direction

This is firm, and the tone should be different than Encouraging or Teaching

There may be consequences related to this, but they are not necessarily major or severe -- timeout, grounding, removal of a specific privilege for a shorter period of time, something that aligns with the correction but isn’t over-the-top.

Rebuking

The vast, vast majority of our time as fathers should be spent in the 1st three categories. Encouraging, Teaching, and Correcting

Rebuke should be a last-resort situation, and should thus be rare in the household.

It is severe in nature (which is why it should be rare -- being severe too often dilutes the rebuke and only encourages greater forms of rebellion from the child)

This is reserved for outright insubordination, clear & unrepentant sin, full disrespect of you or your wife, or out and out rebellion

There are consequences for these actions, and they are significant

This could be spanking if that’s part of your discipline structure. [Determine whether or not to go into a spanking discussion]

This is removal of more significant privileges in line with the presenting or root-level issue -- removal of technology for a longer period of time, removal of rights to be with certain people in their lives, suspension of a sport or other activity

As men, as fathers, my assumption is many if not most of us live in the land of Correcting and Rebuking, if we consider ourselves ‘active’ fathers. Others of us might be leaving all levels of discipline to our wives because we choose to be quiet and passive, and we mistake our role as being ‘encouragers’ when in reality we’re just encouraging our kids to dislike their moms.

Instead, we must embody all 4 levels of interaction with our kids, working with them as the primary disciples in our God-given stewardship. Let us lean into being Encouraging, truly; to be Teaching them regularly; to be Correcting them when they step off the path but aren’t yet so far as to require our shouting to be heard; and lastly, when necessary, bringing a righteous Rebuke for their own sake, safety, and salvation.