Wives, Submit | Colossians 3:18
Notes
Transcript
Ok church if you have your Bibles, and I hope you do, go ahead and open them to the book of Colossians. We’re going to be looking at the first of Paul’s household instructions this morning.
As you head there, I don’t know if you’ve ever had one of those ideas that you just knew would be a great idea and then time goes on and it becomes time to implement the idea and you begin to second guess everything you had previously thought…anybody ever had one of those moments? That’s how I feel right now. When I sat down to try and get a broad overview of this book I came to this part and thought, yeah, let’s spend a week on each of these things, not really considering that I was going to write a sermon over what Paul wrote a sentence on. Clearly Paul was much wiser than I am.
Now, I say that tongue in cheek. I do think the content of these verses and what the rest of Scripture has to say about them is so important for us today. So, I do think it is worth our time to spend at least a week thinking deeply about what they mean.
Paul’s a gentlemen, so he starts with the ladies. Ladies first. Today is specifically going to be focused on wives, but that doesn’t mean the rest of you can check out. And if you’re a guest with us today, welcome. We’re glad you’re here. We’re committed to preaching the entire counsel of God, even the parts I’d like to skip.
As I’ve thought about this text, I’ve become more and more convinced this is for all of us. Men, instead of letting culture, whether that be the one you grew up in or the one that surrounds us now, or your mamma shape what your expectation of what a wife is or should be this text will tell you. Kids, if you want to grow up and be married then you need to know what the Bible says about being a wife or being married to one. So, just because the primary audience of this passage is women, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t something in here for all of us. So don’t check out. And ladies, just as a point of comfort, next week we’re going to look at what the Bible has to say to husbands, so don’t let them tell you they can’t come to church next week.
Also, I want to just acknowledge that I won’t answer all of your questions. I didn’t answer all of my questions. But I do hope to give at least a framework to think through for your questions, and know that I’m here to help you work through them.
SO, Colossians 3:18 is one sentence that’s rich and there’s lots to digest, but it’s just one sentence. Remember, it is likely that Paul wrote Ephesians at the same time and if you look at Ephesians 5 you’ll see that he expands in Ephesians on what he says in Colossians. So we will start at Col. 3:18, then flip on over to Ephesians 5:22-24 and use both today to understand what God is saying through Paul about being a wife.
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
This is God’s Word. Thanks be to God. Let’s pray.
We’ve been walking through this book and it’s really important to understand that these household instructions flow out of what Paul has just said about putting to death the earthly nature and putting on the new nature that was given to us when we were raised with Christ—which is what we’re given when we first repent and believe in Jesus. Paul then flows into these instructions, and in doing so says that the most important place you live this out is in your marriage, in your homes, and in your workplaces. It’s important to see and understand this because in order to grasp what Paul is moving forward into we must grasp what we’ve already looked at.
Now, don’t worry, I’m not going to do a full recap, but we will look backwards some as we press forward. So, beginning with wives Paul gives this simple instruction: submit. No biggy, right?
This word—submit—flies in the face of culture and our sinful nature. So, there’s nothing simple about it, but there is something glorious about it. And that’s what I hope to show you today. In fact, while the main point of this sermon could just be wives, submit to your husbands, and that’d be accurate it’d miss out on the fullness of the text. So, I’m going to steal a friend of mine’s main point and use it. Here’s what I hope you hear today: Wives, live for the glory of God & the good of your husband.
We’re going to see that is what Paul is saying to us through 3 points. Here’s the first:
Submission is Christlike.
Submission is Christlike.
This doesn’t just jump out at us from these verses, but it does flow from where we’ve already been.
Submission has become a 4 letter word in our culture. Some believe that it is a patriarchal term that enables oppression, belittling, and abuse, but is that what submission actually means or does when understood as God intends? No. In fact, submission isn’t just not a bad thing, it’s actually first seen in the godhead. Jesus said in John 6:38
For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me.
Or you can go look at John 5:19 and find Jesus doing something similar. Jesus, submitted to the Father who sent Him to earth. This is ultimately seen in the Garden of Gesthemane
saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”
Jesus submitted his will to the Father’s will, but it’s not just Jesus who submitted to the Father that we see in the godhead. We also see the Spirit doing the same thing.
When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come. He will glorify me, for he will take what is mine and declare it to you.
The Spirit came and spoke not on his own authority, but on the authority of the one who sent him and according to the one who sent him. Now, here’s the question, what did the mutual submission of the Trinity result in? The redemption of creation AND the glorification of the Father! Yet while people marveled at God, who else is glorified in this? The Father in turn bestows on Jesus that name that is above every name.
But notice, there is not any sense of authoritarianism that comes through these verses we just looked at. The Father isn’t threatening. The son, trusting the father, chooses His will & follows his instruction. So then, submission isn’t a four letter word, it’s one that culture has hijacked and either misunderstood or misused, but one that Jesus came to redeem and exemplify what it really is supposed to look like. Submission understood rightly doesn’t actually devalue people, but instead acknowledges, enables, and empowers them to live out their God-given & God-designed roles.
So what we need is a working definition of submission, but before I give you one we need to back up for just a second to remember the context of these verses. Right before Paul tells the Colossian wives to submit what does he say?
And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
We talked about this a few weeks ago, so I’m just going to ask what is the underlying disposition we should have in all things we do? Thankfulness. Ok, hold on to that, and not let’s look at what Paul told the church at Ephesus.
And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
The instruction here is to be filled with the Spirit and that filling is expressed in addressing/singing (proclamation), thankfulness, and submission. Those four adverbs however are dependent upon being filled with the Spirit.
Ok, so let’s just put the cards on the table so we’re all looking at the same thing for a second. Jesus’ submission was outward focused (redemption of creation) & upwardly motivated (God glorifying). In Colossians, we’re instructed to do all things with a disposition of thankfulness and in Ephesians we’re to do it empowered by the Spirit. So taking those things let’s build a definition, or better yet, let’s use one someone already came up with.
John Henderson wrote a pre-marital book that I’ve used with several people and I know several couples in this room have used. He says biblical submission is:
“[Biblical submission] is a joyful honoring of her husband’s will and position, empowered by the Holy Spirit, that has as it’s aim the eternal fruitfulness of her husband for the glory of her God.”
— John Henderson, Catching Foxes
I know that’s a lot, so we’ll leave it on the screen for a minute, but I think he encompasses and in some ways broadens what submission looked like in Jesus and what it should look like in marriage. But there’s something really important in here that we have to understand that comes out of Eph. 5:18…Biblical submission is empowered by the Holy Spirit. This means that outside of the Holy Spirit, you can’t rightly submit to your husband. But do you know what that means? It means that your submission isn’t to your husband first, but to the Lord. That’s our second point for today:
Submission is to the Lord.
Submission is to the Lord.
Honestly, this is what Paul is ultimately saying. Look back with me to both Eph. & Col.
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
Those two phrases found at the end of both of these sentences are nuanced differently and we’ll press into both of them, but what Paul is communicating in both of these letters is that submission is first & foremost in the Lord & to the Lord. If you can’t submit to the Lord, how in the world could you ever know how to submit to your husband? In fact, as Henderson also says,
“A wife’s heart attitude toward her husband always reflects her heart attitude toward Jesus Christ.”
— Henderson, Catching Foxes
In other words, wives, husbands don’t miss this, your submission to your husband is a reflection of your submission to God. Now if that’s true, then the question isn’t how do we submit to our husbands, the real question is how do we submit to God? Because if we can truly and completely answer and live out that question, then submission to our husbands doesn’t become a duty to be performed but instead an overflow of your hearts. So how do we submit to God?
This is where we look backwards in Colossians. If we were to step back we’d see that our submission happens in faith and by the power of Christ in us. We have to recognize that our sinful submission—either out of fear, manipulation, or just misunderstanding—or our rejection of submission to God is actually evidence our opposition towards him.
Isn’t that what Adam & Eve did in the Garden? They rejected God’s word and determined for themselves what was good? They said, not what you will, but what I will. In pride, they didn’t submit to the Word of God but decided to live their own way.
Our pride has caused us to not submit to God and in doing so it’s fractured our relationships with one another, it’s brought about death and destruction in creation, but most importantly, now we stand in opposition to Him. But the good news is that where Adam & Eve failed in the Garden of Eden, Jesus didn’t in the Garden of Gesthemane. Under crushing weight of the world’s sin, He said, ‘Not my will, but yours.’ In his submission he saved you. In his submission he paid our debt. Colossians 2:14 “by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.”
So for you to submit to God you must first look to Jesus. You must look to him to save you and redeem you and know that he did. Place your faith in him, and this is ultimately realized in submission. It’s to come under his authority instead of living out of your own. It’s to bow the knee to Jesus and say you be king, because I’ve made a really bad one.
So let me ask you this real quickly, which garden are you living in? The one in which you’re determining what is right and best, or the one in which you’re submitting to the Father?
You may be going, well how do I know, and that’s a great question. If our outward expressions are results of inward realities, then does your submission to your husband reflect your submission to Jesus?
We’ve looked at Col. 3:12-17 and those aren’t just character attributes you work really hard to embody, they’re actually the way Jesus has related to you. When you’ve experienced the compassionate heart, the kindness, the humility & meekness, the patience & bearing with you and the forgiveness of Jesus what begins to flow out of you is those same things because they are what has filled you. Love, peace, thankfulness is what marks your life & disposition because in Jesus you have all of that for all of eternity.
If Christ is who fills your heart, then submission is actually something that is Spirit-empowered and joy-filled because it’s trust that God’s way is better. When Christ is who fills your heart, as Keller says, “The Spirit gives you the power to do what your sinful nature finds impossible — to put another’s needs ahead of your own.”
Right before Jordan & I got married my mom paid for us to go get some dancing lessons. Now I’ve been baptist my whole life, so I don’t know how to dance. We walk into this dance studio, and honestly, it was fun. Husbands, win your wife’s heart and go get some dancing lessons.
Anyways, one of the first instructions we were given was that I was supposed to lead, but there was a problem, I didn’t know how to dance & she did. How can you lead when you don’t know how to dance? The instructor told me a few steps to take and then cued the music and I grabbed my fiancé and we stumbled forward. Now, despite my stepping on her toes, a lot, my wife trusted me to try and guide us. Sure, there were probably moments when she tried to take over and resist, or steer, or pull back, but overwhelmingly she relinquished control and followed my lead.
That’s what Paul is saying when he says, wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord. Trust me in leading you. Submit to me and allow him to lead you. Because ultimately your submission is to me, but lived out in reality of submitting to him.
So, ladies Submit because it’s Christlike; Submit to the Lord. And third,
Submit to your husbands.
Submit to your husbands.
If we have the right understanding, and the right priority—God first and then husband, then we can work towards the actual instruction. So now the question that you’ve really wanted answered, how do I submit to my husband? Well, let’s go back to the definition that we had earlier. What is submission?
“[Biblical submission] is a joyful honoring of her husband’s will and position, empowered by the Holy Spirit, that has as it’s aim the eternal fruitfulness of her husband for the glory of her God.”
— John Henderson, Catching Foxes
Mouthful, I know. Great definition, but what does that look like in actuality? Well Paul, as he always does, anticipates your question and give us the answer. Ephesians 5:24
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Paul gives us a picture. As the church submits to Christ…how does the church submit to Christ? It’s that little prepositional phrase later in the verse: “in everything.” The church, that is the group of people who have submitted to the Lordship of Jesus, submits to Jesus in everything. We look to him for guidance, direction, provision, & protection. We look to him to sustain us and uphold us. In turn, everything we do, we do “in the name of the Lord Jesus.” The entirety of every service, every ministry, every dollar we spend is about Jesus. It’s about promoting him, glorifying him, and declaring his redemptive work, his character, and his mission.
That’s what the church is, and Paul says wives, likewise. So it’s important to note here that you submission to your husband is a picture of something greater than just your marriage. It’s actually a witness to the watching world. If someone were to look at you and how you relate to your husband (which, they are), would they know and understand that that’s what it looks like to submit to Christ? Because that’s what your marriage testifies to.
But, that seems extreme, doesn’t it? “In everything?!” Surely has Paul gone overboard here. Like I get the protection and provision part, but there’s a lot more to life. God has enabled me and gifted me with abilities and desires and we need the money or maybe we don’t but I’ve got to validate my worth and value by my contribution to society. In order to do that I need to do my thing. So does everything really mean everything? When Paul says ‘in everything,’ he’s not inviting blind obedience to sin or harm. He’s describing a posture — a willingness to yield for the good of the relationship, as the church does with Christ. So what does that look like?
The rest of Scripture I think provides us the answer. There’s too much to cover here that we don’t have time for today, but hopefully we can at least get started. I also realize that every situation in here is different and nuanced, so hopefully what we look at can serve you to understand how you can submit to your husband “in everything.”
I want to go back to Genesis 2:18. Let’s go back to the very beginning, before sin entered the world and see exactly how and why God designed a wife for Adam.
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
There’s two things that jump out at me from this verse: Adam was alone & Adam needed help. Even in the Garden of Eden with all of it’s perfection, for the first time God declared something in creation as not good and that was Adam’s loneliness. So God made him Eve. A woman. His wife.
What this tells us is that the first way you submit to your husband is in relationship. He needs your companionship and as we see at the end of Gen. 2 he needs your intimacy. Now here’s what this means: For relational intimacy & friendship you look to one another first. So, even when your husband disappoints or fails you, remember that you were never meant to find that elsewhere—God designed your husband to be your primary companion, even if imperfectly so. God has given you your spouse for the relational companionship and intimacy you desire & need.
It also means that when he fails you & isn’t all you thought he’d be that you’re not now free to slander him, nag about him, or too him, or just transition into a relationship in which you coexist with him. We don’t coexist with God. We are either walking with him or from him.
Now, this doesn’t mean, however, that he can use the Word of God to manipulate you to get what he wants. He can uphold the Word and lead you towards Christlikeness, but to use the Word to get his own personal pleasure is sinful. It is actually abuse and acting as a tool of Satan.
This also doesn’t permit abuse towards you or your children. Wives, listen to me right now, you are not disobeying God’s Word if you seek help when you or one of your children are being abused. In fact, if he’s giving you that look or squeezing your leg or just making you feel tense because he doesn’t want you to say or do anything, I am here telling you, imploring you, to not leave today without seeing me. You can walk up to me after the service and squeeze my arm and bug your eyes out or just say quickly “I need help” and walk away. I’ll follow up later. This church will not stand for spousal or child abuse. I, as your pastor, will not stand for spousal or child abuse. You are not submitting to God by continuing to walk in submission to an abusive husband or father because God is not an abusive husband or father.
To the men who might be in the room or listening to this, there’s hope for you. God’s arm is not too short to save and he can transform you, but stop it. Act like a man and love your wife instead of yourself.
Now, wives, you may have bought into the lie of satan that you can’t be friends with your husband or trust him with intimacy because you don’t look like a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. Stop it. Your husband didn’t marry you because you did look like one. He married you because he loved you and wanted your companionship and intimacy. I know that it can be scary, but I’m here to tell you that what he wants is your heart. He wants to know you fully and be fully known and loved by you.
God created Eve so that Adam wouldn’t be alone. God gave wives to husbands so that they wouldn’t be alone. So submit to him in relational companionship & intimacy. “When you offer companionship to your husband, you’re echoing the companionship Christ offers you.”
And, submit to him as a helper. Adam needed a helper fit for him. Right before God created Eve he brought all of the animals to Adam to be named. But at the end of it, Adam still lacked a helper. If Adam had already named all of the animals, what then was Eve supposed to help him with?
There were 3 instructions that God gave Adam in the Garden. 1) Be fruitful & multiply. 2.) Work the garden. 3.) Keep the garden.
Now the first one can’t be done outside of a man and woman coming together. The second and third one though can. However, when Adam did those things alone, God acknowledged that Adam didn’t have a helper fit for him. So helping then means to come together with your husband to fulfill the creational commands God gave.
This means that you are able to influence change. Who knows what elephants would’ve been named if Eve had been on the scene?
This means that you are able to help make decisions. This doesn’t diminish what you’re capable of, but it does mean that your capabilities must be stewarded in light of submission to your husband.
But what happens when it comes to making a decision that the two of you don’t agree on, because let’s be honest, we don’t all agree on everything. When disagreements arise you submit to God by trusting in your husbands leadership. As a friend of mine says, “There have been times in our marriage when a difficult and significant decision must be made and we don’t agree on it. We both pray on it and still don’t agree on how it should be handled and in those moments, my wife trusting the Lord submits to my leadership. She also says it’s her way of ducking so that God can hit me in the head for when I’m wrong.”
We went to a conference a few weeks ago and at the end of it they had a panel discussion with some of the speakers. One of the couples on stage was an older couple and when the moderator asked the wife how she helps her husband she simply said, “I do what I can just to make things easier on one another.” There is a sense of initiative, of care and of considering someone else as more important than herself that described her help to her husband. It didn’t diminish who she was. It didn’t prevent her from using her natural gifts and talents. It just shaped the way in which she used them, but that was only possible because she understood what true submission was.
It was to submit to God and walk in obedience to him even when the rest of the world told her that there was greater value in self-expression. It was to find what her heart longed for not in a relationship to a man, but in a relationship to her God who could fully and completely satisfy all she ever need.
So the question then for you is wives, are you submitting to your husband? Do you provide help and the relational intimacy and companionship he longs for? There’s more to it than this, but it’s at least this.
You may hear all of this and go: no way, no how. To which the call is you need to repent. You need to go to God first and acknowledge that you’ve rejected his word and his ways and then you need to go to your husband and ask for forgiveness for where you’ve rebelled, overstepped, or ignored him. And then in turn, you need to put to death what is earthly in you and in the power of the Spirit of Christ that resides in you to live out who God has made you to be.
You may hear all of this and go: you don’t know our story. You don’t know my story. It’s a mess and I don’t know where to start. I have good news for you. You’re in a room full of people who are figuring it out as they go forward. God has given you the people of God to lock arms and walk forward. That means you need to let some people in to help love you and serve you. You might need to seek counseling—either for you individually or as a couple. There’s no shame in that. Counselors give counsel when you don’t know what to do. And I’m here to help. You are not a burden to me. I actually want to jump into the mud and walk with you.
Wives, because Christ submitted for you, you can joyfully submit to your husband. Remember, your joyful submission is reflective of your submission of your joyful submission to God. Joyfully submit because your submission is a witness to a watching world. Because Christ submitted for you, you can now joyfully submit in the power of the Spirit because there’s no other way by which you can do it. Wives, your call is to live for the glory of God & the good of your husband.
Wives, live for the glory of God & the good of your husband.
Now what I want to do is transition into a moment where we observe the Lord’s Supper.
