Developing Healthy Relationships
Notes
Transcript
Does Everybody remember Jerry Springer? That show was terrible. The show was designed to find the most dysfunctional relationships and air out all their issues in front of a television audience. I’m pretty sure the show was designed for the viewer to sit there and say, “You know, I guess my life really isn’t that bad!”
We are going to talk about developing healthy relationships today. The people on the Jerry Springer show did not have healthy relationships. But God desires that his people do have healthy relationships.
At the end of Genesis 21, we see the return of Abimelech, king of Gerar. He returns to Abraham seeking to make a deal. When two parties make a deal like this in the Old Testament it is in the form of a covenant, which forms a sacred bond between two people. It is serious business. Let’s read the story together.
Now it came about at that time that Abimelech and Phicol, the commander of his army, spoke to Abraham, saying, “God is with you in all that you do;
now therefore, swear to me here by God that you will not deal falsely with me or with my offspring or with my posterity, but according to the kindness that I have shown to you, you shall show to me and to the land in which you have sojourned.”
Abraham said, “I swear it.”
But Abraham complained to Abimelech because of the well of water which the servants of Abimelech had seized.
And Abimelech said, “I do not know who has done this thing; you did not tell me, nor did I hear of it until today.”
Abraham took sheep and oxen and gave them to Abimelech, and the two of them made a covenant.
Then Abraham set seven ewe lambs of the flock by themselves.
Abimelech said to Abraham, “What do these seven ewe lambs mean, which you have set by themselves?”
He said, “You shall take these seven ewe lambs from my hand so that it may be a witness to me, that I dug this well.”
Therefore he called that place Beersheba, because there the two of them took an oath.
So they made a covenant at Beersheba; and Abimelech and Phicol, the commander of his army, arose and returned to the land of the Philistines.
Abraham planted a tamarisk tree at Beersheba, and there he called on the name of the Lord, the Everlasting God.
And Abraham sojourned in the land of the Philistines for many days.
Abraham and Abimelech form a covenant with one another, tying their lives together forever. From this scene, there are three principles we can extract as it pertains to developing healthy relationships. It is God’s desire for his people to develop healthy relationships with those around us. All relationships are not equal. Some of them are healthy, and some are not. But it should be our desire that our relationships with others are healthy.
Now Abraham and Abimelech have a rocky history. But let’s look at this passage to extract three keys to a healthy relationship.
Healthy relationships are not self-serving.
Healthy relationships are not self-serving.
One of the overarching themes of the Bible is that this life is not about us. We are not the center of the universe, and life is not all about us. So, if our relationship with someone else is healthy, it is not about what I’m going to get out of it, but what I will give to it.
Abimelech approaches Abraham after their history together, after he nearly died because of Sarah, recognizing that God is with Abraham. There is something up with this guy that makes Abimelech recognize God has provided for and protected Abraham. He sees it. This does not mean Abimelech is a believer in the God of the Bible. This simply means he acknowledges that Abraham’s God has blessed him. He asks that Abraham swear not to deal falsely with him. In other words, “Abraham, don’t lie to me. Don’t trick me, steal from me, or treat me negatively in any way. Let’s make a deal.”
But Abimelech does not ask this solely for himself. He asks this for his descendants and his posterity, which means successive generations. He’s talking about his grandchildren’s grandchildren. He’s thinking multiple generations ahead. Abimelech is not concerned with just himself, but future generations. Even though there was the Sarah fiasco in the previous chapter, Abimelech is willing to make a deal with Abraham for the sake of his family and future generations.
We are encouraged to build healthy relationships with other people. But those relationships are not to be self-serving. Abimelech had already expressed kindness and generosity toward Abraham. There was nothing else he needed to do to gain Abraham’s favor. When we look at relationships with others or potential relationships with others, we are not to look to what we can get out of the relationship.
Let’s consider what the New Testament says about developing healthy relationships.
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;
do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
We could stop right there. You are commanded not to look out for your own interests. Instead, look to the interests of others. If you will live life this way, God will look out for your interests. You won’t have to. This becomes liberating. I don’t have to worry about getting what I need. God has already promised that, which means I don’t have to manipulate a situation to get what I need from someone else. I am free to help them get what they need.
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;
Again, the heart of Christ-centered relationships, the second half of our mission statement, is a love for others that stems from Christ’s love for us. We love others from the overflow of Christ’s love for us. The more I have come to understand how deeply Christ loves me, the more I am able to love others.
So, as you think about the relationships you are in today, is there a relationship you have where you are acting selfishly? Be honest. Have you been working through that relationship thinking you’re only in it for what the other person can contribute to you? Or are you realizing you are in a relationship where you are the giver, but the other person is self-serving? Either is unhealthy. But if it is the latter, I want you to hold on a second, because there’s more.
Healthy relationships handle grievances.
Healthy relationships handle grievances.
Abraham is all in to enter into this type of relationship with Abimelech. Remember, this is a covenant which is very serious and binds these two men together for life. Before they do this, Abraham brings up a problem. A well in the area has been seized by some men that work for Abimelech. Abraham wants control over that well. There’s a dispute that must be settled. Abraham wants control of the well. He offers up sheep and oxen for the covenant agreement, and then sets apart seven ewe lambs specifically for the well. This is essentially a form of payment that would say that Abimelech has agreed that Abraham is the true owner of the well.
Healthy relationships handle grievances. Abraham could have stayed silent on the issue, but then he would be in a covenant relationship with this issue hanging overhead. A healthy relationship addresses the issue to maintain health. Many times we are reluctant to speak up because we don’t want to fight with someone. Staying silent keeps the peace. But does it? When there is friction in the relationship, is it healthy to ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist?
Let’s look again at what the New Testament says about handling grievances.
“You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘You shall not commit murder’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.’
“But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell.
“Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you,
leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.
“Make friends quickly with your opponent at law while you are with him on the way, so that your opponent may not hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the officer, and you be thrown into prison.
“Truly I say to you, you will not come out of there until you have paid up the last cent.
Anger toward another person is still condemning in God’s eyes. It is not because anger is the same as killing someone, but the emotions and attitudes that anger stirs are toxic. Jesus is bringing awareness to the fact that evil doesn’t begin with external actions. It begins with internal toxicity. We are wicked from the inside out. We don’t become sinful through external actions. We have a sinful nature within us that manifests itself through sinful behaviors.
It is better for you to settle disputes before you go to worship together or before you get into the courtroom.
I got a call late at night one night from a parent whose son had taken a decorative candy cane from someone’s lawn as a prank. The homeowner caught him. His parents showed up and somewhere in there the cops were called. They were already on the way when I answered the phone. She said, “What do I do?” Her husband and the homeowner had exchanged heated words. I told her you better come to an agreement before they get there. If the police arrive to a tense scene, it will get worse. If they arrive to a calm scene, there won’t be any problem. I was right. They came to a resolution before the police arrived and everything was fine.
If you want your relationship with someone to be healthy, you need to address whatever grievance stands between you. The person who caused the offense may not be listening to this sermon, so it may mean that you need to take the first step. Is there someone in your life that you need to handle a grievance with? It is challenging, but peace and health are waiting on the other side of it.
Healthy relationships set boundaries.
Healthy relationships set boundaries.
Not all relationships are created equal. You are closer to some people than you are to others. A healthy relationship does not mean an intimate relationship. It is impossible to have deep, intimate relationships with everyone. So, a healthy relationship sets boundaries.
Abraham and Abimelech made a covenant with one another. We see that in verse 27 and again in verse 32. As I have said before, a covenant is a sacred agreement between two parties that governs the relationship. The two parties agree on what each other will provide. One person might provide land and natural resources while the other will provide livestock and produce. The terms could be anything they want. The key is that they agree and operate within that agreement. In this case, one of the boundaries is that Abraham will be named the owner of this well. He will have control over how and when it is used. He is responsible for a water supply.
If you do not have healthy boundaries set up in your relationships, it leaves room for people to take advantage of you. Boundaries are a way of protecting yourself and others from some form of abuse. They establish lines that cannot be crossed.
There are details about my life that only my wife knows. If you want to get that close to me, you have to marry me! There are things I share about myself with people I know very well. Not every family member I have shares the same level of relationship with me. I have established boundaries for how and when people can get in touch with me. I do so to protect that which matters most. I guard my time with the Lord, I guard my time with Marci, I guard myself from those who might seek to abuse my generosity. All of these things are in place not because I want to be unkind, but because God has entrusted me with a lot and I need to set boundaries to be a good manager.
An example of boundary setting can be seen in 2 Cor. 6:14:
Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?
This passage does not mean that you have to cut yourself off from relationships with unbelievers. That would make the Great Commission impossible. What it does mean is we have to be very careful how we tie our lives to those who don’t share our fundamental belief in God, Christ as his Son, and salvation. You can make a business deal with an unbeliever and that have no impact on your faithfulness to the Lord. You can have unbelievers in your circle of friends. The question is how are we tying ourselves to people in a way that might jeopardize our loyalty to Christ?
For the relationships in your life to be healthy, you must set boundaries. The one who doesn’t set boundaries in relationships is the one who usually suffers the most. Is there a boundary you need to set with someone in your life in order to create a healthy relationship? What boundaries do you need to set with others? Write them down, then share them. Don’t keep them in your head.
The Lord wants us to develop healthy relationships with others, and it begins with a healthy relationship with him. So, this is your Sunday morning check-up. How healthy is your relationship with Christ? Christ came and died and rose again to reunite you with the Father. Have you come to know him as Lord and Savior? This is the most important healthy relationship you can have. The healthier it is, the healthier every other relationship you have will be.
What action do you need to take in one of your relationships this week to make it healthier? Have you been self-serving? Are you avoiding handling grievances? Have you not set proper boundaries? As we close, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal your next step and commit to taking it this week.
