Relationship Coach: Toxic Relationships

Welcome/Series Intro

Hello and welcome to Prairie Lakes! We’re glad that you’re here. If this is your first weekend with us, here’s what you’re jumping into: a brand new series that we’re calling “Relationship Coach.” Relationship Coach.

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Now, before we dive into that, just a heads up:

Last weekend, the rest of us just finished up week 6 of 6 walking through the New Testament book of Galatians. And we got a lot of great feedback on that. In fact, many of you have personally expressed to me:

You love series like that—series where we just take a book of the Bible and walk through it.

In fact, some of you have even kinda bumped that feedback up a notch and have asked:

Why don’t we just do that all the time?

Why not every single weekend just organize our sermons around how the Bible is already organized? Next month maybe we’re in Exodus, then later on, maybe Corinthians, and then maybe one of the weirdly named ones like Habakkuk?

Why not just do it like that?

Well, first of all:

Whether we’re doing a series around a topic like relationships, or whether we’re doing a series on a book of the Bible—either way, every single weekend here at Prairie Lakes, we’re gonna be in the Bible. Our starting point might be different, but our landing point will always be the same: God’s Word.

And that’s because true life—life as it’s meant to be lived—can only be found in God and living according to his Word. We believe that around here, unapologetically.

But it’s in that same Word that Jesus tells us:

He leaves the 99 already in the fold to go after the 1 who’s wandering outside of the fold. He journeys into foreign territory and strikes up conversations with strangers. Jesus has a special place for the outsider who’s looking in. And he’s more than willing to meet them where they’re at; wherever they’re starting from.

And so, around here, we’re gonna continue to be a church where we do that as well. Which means:

Some weekends—like this weekend—we’re gonna start in a place that, if it’s your first weekend with us, should feel very comfortable and very familiar:

We all want to get better at relationships, right? We all want to be healthier; we all want our relationships to be healthier. So that’s where we’re gonna start in a series like this.

It’s just that, around here, we also think that God has the best picture and best coaching for us in our relationships. And just like every weekend, that’s where we’re gonna land. With him and his Word.

Alright. So that’s that.

In this series, Relationship Coach, we’ll be in it for the next three weeks—and here’s what we’ll be talking about:

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Week 1: Toxic Relationships

Week 2: Surface-Level Relationships

Week 3: Selfish Relationships

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How do we navigate these kinds of relational dynamics—and what can God do to maybe even redeem them? Make them healthier? Make us healthier?

So let’s dive into our first topic this weekend:

Toxic relationships. Toxic relationships.

Toxic Relationships Defined

If you’ve never heard that term, “toxic relationships,” at this point you might need to get out a little more. This term has been in the culture a while now.

But just for clarity’s sake, let’s have a common definition.

Let’s define “toxic relationships” in this way:

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In toxic relationships, more depth = more destruction.

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More depth equals more destruction. The deeper you go in relationship with that person, the worse it becomes for you. Like toxic fumes: the more you breathe in, the sicker you get.

Now, that relational “destruction” can present itself in several different ways:

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In toxic relationships, more depth = more destruction. The closer you get to that person, the more you feel:

manipulated

controlled

criticized

blamed

drained

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Toxic Relationships in the Bible

So that’s what a toxic relationship is. And even though it’s more of a modern term, it’s certainly not a modern phenomenon.

There are several glaring examples of toxic relationships even in the Bible. Let’s take a look at a few of them real quick.

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Toxic Relationships in the Bible

Saul and David (1 Samuel 18-26)

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David’s story is that of a young, insignificant, shepherd boy who was the youngest of 8 brothers. But he goes on to kill this giant Philistine warrior, Goliath. And as we all know: people eat up stories like that.

Take a look at how his king, a man named Saul, responded:

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1 Samuel 18:6–9 “When the men were returning home after David had killed the Philistine, the women came out from all the towns of Israel to meet King Saul with singing and dancing, with joyful songs and with timbrels and lyres. As they danced, they sang: “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.”

Saul was very angry; this refrain displeased him greatly. “They have credited David with tens of thousands,” he thought, “but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?” And from that time on Saul kept a close eye on David.”

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And he keeps more than just a close eye. He actually tries to kill him on several occasions.

But if you read this whole passage, chapters 18-26, you see that their relationship is more like a roller coaster: Saul’s jealous and then tries to kill him; but then Saul needs him to both fight battles and help soothe him through his music; but then tries to hunt him down with his army; but then says he’s sorry and won’t do that ever again; but then…

Up and down. I hate you then I love you (but then I hate you again). And the further those guys go in relationship, the worse it gets.

Pretty toxic. Saul uses David until it’s not convenient for him.

Here’s another example:

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Toxic Relationships in the Bible

Saul and David (1 Samuel 18-26)

Samson and Delilah (Judges 16)

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Samson is a “judge,” which at the time was basically a military dictator—someone who led his country because of his ability to wage and win war.

And Samson isn’t a great guy. He’s a womanizer. He doesn’t really keep any of his vows that he makes to God. But he’s got a gift of supernatural strength. And, like the future king David, he’s real good at killing Philistines.

But he meets this Philistine woman named Delilah. And even though she’s “the enemy,” the heart wants what the heart wants, and…

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Judges 16:4–6 “Some time later, he fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was Delilah. The rulers of the Philistines went to her and said, “See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him.

Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels of silver.” So Delilah said to Samson, “Tell me the secret of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued.””

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Delilah manipulates Samson to get not only what she wants (some cash), but what her countrymen want (his death). Pretty toxic.

We don’t have time to look at all the others, but I did want to provide you with a few other examples:

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Toxic Relationships in the Bible

Saul and David (1 Samuel 18-26)

Samson and Delilah (Judges 16)

Jacob and Laban (Genesis 29-31)

Cain and Abel (Genesis 4:1-8)

Ahab and Jezebel (1 Kings 16-21)

Herod and Herodias (Matthew 14:1-12)

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Any of those are good for study and as roadmaps for what toxicity looks like in relationships. Take a look at a few of those on your own this week.

Toxic Relationships Today: Sin Nature

Now: these kinds of relationships make for really good, like, true crime podcasts. Dateline NBC (which is still on the air, believe it or not!). They keep your attention as you wade through some otherwise boring Old Testament material.

But toxic relationships are also a part of our normal, everyday lives.

You may not have an exotic girlfriend who has accepted a bribe so that a foreign nation can bring you down; maybe not that level of toxicity.

But we probably know someone who has tried to manipulate us for their own selfish ends.

We’ve had a friendship that feels more like a roller coaster than it does a friendship where you can go from hero to villain back to hero in a single day.

Some level of toxicity is almost a given in some if not most of our relationships. We just kinda accept it as a norm.

But why?

On some level, we know it shouldn’t be that way.

Relationships shouldn’t be manipulative; but they so often are.

Relationships shouldn’t be a roller coaster.

We shouldn’t have to be on the lookout for being controlled or gaslighted or blamed or constantly criticized.

But so often, we are. And so often, we do—like it’s just part of the way things work in this world because that’s just who some people are.

But, still:

Why? Why is toxicity not just a thing, but sometimes the norm?

Here’s why:

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When there isn’t a “Holy Spirit check” on our sinful nature, things get toxic.

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Now, I took a couple of leaps there all at the same time—so I might have lost you. But let me explain; hang with me.

Let’s talk first about this idea of a “sinful nature.”

In the therapeutic culture that we live in today, this idea of having a sinful nature sometimes gets lumped in with a therapeutic idea of having a “negative self-concept.”

But they aren’t the same. You can admit that you’ve got a sinful nature without having a negative self concept.

And so let me highlight the difference there:

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When I adopt a negative self-concept, I accept a lie: that I am unlovable.

When I admit that I have a sinful nature, I admit the truth: that I love what I want more than anything or anyone else.

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It’s not that I’m unlovable. It’s that I love me more than God.

It’s not that I’m unlovable. It’s that I love what I want for me more than what God wants for me.

I’m not unlovable. But if I’m honest, I tend to be more selfish than selfless.

I’m not unlovable. I just don’t always love others like God has loved me.

And the reason for that—the reason I am like that—

The reason that I not only find myself in toxic relationships, but sometimes am myself toxic—

Is that something has gone wrong deep inside of me…

In my very nature.

Sin’s got a hold of me. Just like it’s got a hold of you. Just like it’s got a hold of all of us.

I know I’ve shared this with you before, but it’s been a really long time. Whenever I try to explain this, I always go to Romans 7, and I use a different translation of the Bible—one called The Message:

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I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

Romans 7:15-20, The Message

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That’s what sin in us does—it makes us love us more than God, more than others, more than anything or anyone else.

We know we shouldn’t manipulate. But you’ve got something I want.

We know we shouldn’t control. But you’re doing something I don’t like.

We know we shouldn’t criticize so much or pass the blame. But I’m not gonna pay the price because you can’t seem to figure it out.

And I’m gonna look out for number one,

Because I am number one, because…

Because my sin make me love me, more than you, more than God… more than anything or anyone else.

I use you for what I need. And when you don’t give me what I need…

I expect things from you that only God can really provide. And when you don’t meet my expectations…

I depend on you for things I should be relying on Jesus for. And when you disappoint me…

That’s our sinful nature. And that’s the source of toxicity—in me, in you, and in our relationships.

Toxic Relationships Today: Holy Spirit Check

Now: when there is no “Holy Spirit check” on that—

Remember what we said:

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When there isn’t a “Holy Spirit check” on our sinful nature, things get toxic.

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There’s a way to battle this toxicity. There’s medicine for it.

This is how we just finished Galatians—remember?

From Galatians 5:

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Galatians 5:13-14; 16 “You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”

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When we step across that line of faith and trust Christ;

When we admit:

“Jesus, I need you. Your ways over mine. You first; not me—”

Then Jesus’ Spirit literally begins to dwell in us and helps us to fight this inward battle we have in our flesh—in that part of us that loves us more than our neighbor, more than God—and begins to help us love God and others first.

That’s the “Holy Spirit check” on our sinful nature:

Not us just striving to be better for Jesus,

But Jesus, in us,

“Checking” our sinful, fleshly, selfish desires.

Of course:

Even with Jesus, the toxicity doesn’t completely go away this side of heaven.

Some of us have or are currently fighting battles with cancer. And you know:

Even when you’re winning that battle, you’re still always fighting it.

And so it is with the toxicity of our sinful nature. It’s a constant battle—

But the battle starts to look very different when Jesus and his Spirit are fighting it with you, and in you, and in your relationships.

Navigating Toxic Relationships

I’d like to spend some time just talking about what this looks like when you’re battling it—especially when you start to feel that you might be in a toxic relationship.

So:

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How do I navigate toxic relationships?

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Just a few suggestions and coaching for you. First:

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How do I navigate toxic relationships?

Speak the truth in love. (Ephesians 4:15)

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Let me just read this verse in context for us, starting in verse 14:

Ephesians 4:14–16 “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.”

Part of the body—which is a metaphor that the Bible uses to describe us as God’s people; his family—we’re like a body that has different parts but that are all connected and work together—

The way this body is designed to work when it’s at its healthiest, at the height of its maturity, is to build one another up in love.

But, inevitably,

In Jesus’ body, you have to be willing to love someone by telling them the truth.

Now: you have to tell them the truth in love—

Nevertheless:

You’ve gotta tell them the truth.

If you feel like things are getting toxic—

Like this person you’re in relationship with loves themselves more than you,

Or that they’re using you,

Or that they’re too critical,

Or too dependent,

Or toxic in any of the ways that the toxicity of our sinful nature often manifests itself—

Then the most loving thing you can do for them is to…

Tell them.

I know this might be hard to hear, but…

I know this might make you mad, but…

On staff here at PLC, we’ll often borrow a phrase from the author Brene Brown who said:

“Clarity is kindness.”

It’s unkind to sit on the truth—even when you know the truth might hurt.

It’s kind to tell the truth—but only when you tell it in love. Number one.

Number 2:

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How do I navigate toxic relationships?

Speak the truth in love. (Ephesians 4:15)

Create healthy boundaries. (Mark 1:35-38)

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Listen to this snippet from Jesus’ ministry as he was traveling and growing in popularity:

Mark 1:35–38 “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. Simon and his companions went to look for him, and when they found him, they exclaimed: “Everyone is looking for you!” Jesus replied, “Let us go somewhere else—to the nearby villages—so I can preach there also. That is why I have come.”

“Everyone is looking for you!”

Some of us are living in seasons and in relationships where it feels like that:

Everyone needs us. All the time.

Everyone wants something from us. All the time.

Or maybe it’s not everyone. Maybe it’s just someone.

But when you’re trying to please everyone,

To meet all of someone’s expectations for you,

To say “yes” and be there and be on all of the time—

To live a boundary-less life, where you never say “Sorry—I can’t.”

Or, gasp—

I won’t. I’m not going to do that. No.

When “no” is not in your vocabulary, you start becoming junior messiah for everyone else—

Until you realize there is only one Messiah, and you aren’t him.

And, hey—

By the way—

Even the Messiah himself had boundaries.

Everyone is looking for you, Jesus!

Well, bummer for them.

I need some time to myself. Boundary.

I need some quiet. Boundary.

I need some time to pray. Boundary.

And I’m actually going somewhere else to someone else. Boundary.

Defining clear boundaries around clear values—or, even better, Jesus’ values—just a great way to navigate toxic people who will take and take and the toxicity in you that believes you can just give and give.

Last one:

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How do I navigate toxic relationships?

Speak the truth in love. (Ephesians 4:15)

Create healthy boundaries. (Mark 1:35-38)

Embrace necessary endings. (Acts 15:36-41)

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Acts tells the story of the missionary and Apostle Paul as he traveled around spreading the gospel and planting churches. One of his first partners and companions on his journey was a guy named Barnabas—who’s name literally means “Son of Encouragement.”

(I don’t know who you picture when you hear a name like “Son of Encouragement.” But I picture a pretty likeable guy.)

But Paul gets in a disagreement with Barnabas over whether or not they should take a guy named John Mark along with them.

Here’s how it went down:

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Acts 15:37–39 “Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company.

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Now, here’s what we know about how the story ended:

This break in relationship resulted in Barnabas taking a different route, going to different towns, but preaching the same message—essentially doubling the footprint of the church.

And, later on, Paul writes fondly of Barnabas—alluding to the fact that their relationship had been mended.

Nevertheless:

Sometimes you have to entertain a break.

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you can’t make it work.

You can’t make the other person different. You can’t make things go in a different direction.

Sometimes you just have to let go and trust God with the outcome.

But: you can trust him.