Relationship Coach: Surface-Level

This weekend, we’re gonna be talking about “surface-level” relationships: why we stay on the surface, why we settle there, and why we might want to consider going deeper—at least, going deeper in relationship with the right kind of people, and in the right direction.

So here’s the question for us this weekend as we dive in that. Here’s the question:

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Besides your spouse or a family member, who are you calling in a crisis?

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I’ll give you a second to think about that. Outside of family or a spouse, who are you calling in a crisis?

You gotta be reasonably sure they’ll pick up. Like, if they see your name pop up in their phone, it doesn’t go down their list of things to do to get back to you when it’s a more convenient time for them. You’ve got to be important enough to them for them to prioritize you.

You gotta trust them. Maybe the crisis requires their wisdom. Or maybe their confidentiality. Maybe there’s a lot on the line; you can’t just loop anyone in. This is someone who you have built trust with, and who has built trust with you.

And you gotta feel comfortable enough with them to make whatever ask you need to make. You don’t worry about inconveniencing this person; you know they love you enough, care about you enough, and know you well enough to do whatever they can do for you.

Whoever you’re calling in a crisis—there’s a pretty good chance that you’ve got a pretty deep relationship with them. Who is that person for you?

Here’s the next question:

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Besides your spouse or a family member, who are you calling in a crisis?

Do they go to church with you?

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Is the person you’d call in a crisis someone you bump into on Sundays? On a serving team? In a small group, a men’s group, or a women’s group?

“Does it really matter?” you might ask.

Well… yes and no.

It doesn’t really matter for the hypothetical situation I’m describing. A good friend is a good friend, regardless of whether they go to church with you or not.

But it might matter if you don’t have anyone at church who you know well enough to make that kind of call to.

It might matter—because:

If you don’t have that kind of depth in relationship with anyone at church, you’re missing out | on most | of why God created the church in the first place.

God’s Idea: A Body

Turn with me to the book of Romans.

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Romans 12:3-5

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(Explain how to find Romans.)

Read along with me:

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Romans 12:3–5 “For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.”

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So, hang with me here for a second with this Scripture still on the screen. Because there’s a bookend here that I want you to see. There’s an important connection between those two highlighted phrases. But it takes a little setup.

Although there’s some data out there right now that’s showing an uptick in church attendance—especially among Gen-Zers (which are people 13-28 years old), even that uptick is pretty modest—and a relatively recent trend.

When it comes to church attendance, here’s what’s far more often the norm:

If you report that you go to church—if you are a churchgoer—you go around twice a month. Regular attendance in 2025 = 2x/month.

And actually, it’s a little less. It’s 1.8-1.9 times a month.

Where am I going with this setup?

Well, not into some sort of guilt trip. We’re not the kind of church that just piles on. We’re a No Matter church. We don’t track church attendance. We’re just glad that you’re here.

But here’s why I’m talking about attendance, and regular attendance, and what is increasingly irregular attendance:

If we take our cues from how Paul describes the church here in Romans, we’ll see this:

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The church is God’s idea.

And God’s idea for the church is a body—where each member meaningfully, vitally, and usefully belongs to all the others.

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And don’t get confused here; he’s not talking about church membership. He’s talking about church people. Churchgoers. All of us who would raise our hand and say, “Yeah… I go to church. This is my church.”

If that’s how you would describe yourself—

As a church person; as a churchgoer; as a PLCer—

Then what you’re a part of | is a body.

You’re a member of a body.

Now you might be the armpit; I don’t know; I think I’m probably a really thick calf—

But the church is God’s idea,

And God’s idea for the church is a body,

Where each member belongs to one another.

My hand belongs to my body because it’s connected. Meaningfully, vitally, and usefully connected.

My ears belong to my body because they’re connected. Meaningfully, vitally, and usefully connected.

Now, my appendix, my tonsils, and my ascending aorta—all gone. Just the genetic cards that were dealt to me.

(Pause.)

You’re Missed

Hey:

It’s really tough—if not impossible—

To meaningfully, vitally, and usefully belong according to God’s design

When you’re increasingly around less and less

Or whenever it’s convenient

Or whenever you feel like you’re being served in the way that you ought to be served

Or when this body meets your approval

Or when there’s nothing that you disapprove of.

Tough to belong | when you decide to not come around | for whatever reason.

Tough to get below the surface so that you belong | if you’re not around regularly, and if you don’t decide to engage your church according to how God designed it.

(Pause.)

Now, heads up, because:

This is where it might start to feel even a little more judgy to you.

If God’s idea is for each of us to “belong” to one another in that kind of way—

Meaningfully, vitally, and usefully connected—just like in a body—

Then how would you describe a member who isn’t around most weekends?

Just hang with me—especially if your Catholic or Baptist guilt is starting to kick into high gear.

Here’s how I’d describe a member who isn’t around most weekends—and it might surprise you:

I would describe them first off all as…

Missed.

I’m 44 now. And I already listed a few of my surgeries:

I’ve had my tonsils out. I’ve had my appendix out. I’ve had my nose broken and fixed. And most recently, I’ve had open heart surgery to correct an aortic aneurysm. I’ve got a mechanical heart valve that ticks away as it opens and closes into a prosthetic ascending aorta.

More information than you wanted; I know. But believe it or not—I haven’t told you about yet another surgery I’ve had.

But back in 2018, I had back surgery to correct an arthritic joint on the middle of my spine. It took awhile to diagnose; and by the time we figured it out, it had pinched my spinal cord to the point where I was a lot weaker on my right side than my left.

And while the surgery was successful in that it corrected the restriction, I didn’t regain all the function that I lost.

I used to love playing sports; I’ve lost a good amount of that coordination and balance.

I miss that part of my body working like it should. I’ll stumble sometimes because my right foot will drag. I’ve gotta walk down steps using a railing; especially if the steps are narrow. I’ll lose my balance easily sometimes if it’s slippery.

All because a member of my body isn’t showing up like it used to.

And so when it comes to a member of our body—Prairie Lakes—not showing up regularly…

It’s not an attendance thing for me. You don’t get a certain amount of absences in God’s grade book. That’s not how it works.

It’s not a judgment thing for me. My opinion of you doesn’t go up and down wildly based on how frequently I see you.

And it’s not even a personal thing for me. My opinion of myself doesn’t go up and down based on whether or not more people are in the room.

No—you’re just missed.

You’re missed—because:

God designed us to need one another. To belong to one another. To be meaningfully, vitally, and usefully connected to one another.

You may not believe it—but some of us are actually stumbling around more than we should be because you’re not around like you should be—whether as frequently or as meaningfully as you should be.

A Challenge

And so here’s kinda the “shot across your bow” if you find yourself as one of those people who calls our church your home but who kinda comes around whenever you want and mostly stays on a surface level with our church and our people:

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When you’re not here, we’re not whole.

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Now, your response to that might be:

Come on.

Whether I’m here or not…

The sermon is still going to be delivered.

The coffee will still be served.

The lights will still be turned on.

Kids will still be checked in and loved on.

You’re not wrong.

But when I’m talking about the church,

I’m not really talking about the weekend service. I’m talking about the community.

We’re not whole as a community—because:

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When you’re not here, we’re not whole.

The church isn’t something you watch. It’s a family you join.

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Is it helpful to have another set of hands around the church | making coffee, loving on kids, and greeting at the door? Sure. Just like it’s helpful to have another set of hands around the house | to do the cooking, and the dishes, and the mowing, and the raking, and the shoveling.

But what I’m going to miss most about my kids when they move out of the house and don’t come around as much isn’t just the free labor.

It’s them in their rooms. Going to bed at night and waking up in the morning, walking out into the living room.

It’s them around the dinner table.

Or prayer together at night.

It’s their regular presence that I’m going to miss the most.

My friends:

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The church is the only family in this world that you don’t grow out of—you grow up into.

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It’s deeper relationships in the right direction. That’s the design.

And so:

Don’t think of yourself more highly than you ought.

Whatever you got going on—

You’re not too important for this family.

Because before we need your help,

We just need you.

And you—

You…

You need us.

This is why I asked you right up top:

Besides your family—

Besides your spouse, or your parents, or your kids, or your aunt and uncles and cousins—

Besides them, who are you calling in a crisis—

And do they go to church with you?

Because God designed the church

Your church

To be a family

Your family

Made up of people you know well enough

And who know you well enough

To call and to pick up.

People you trust. People you love. And people who love you.

Now: I’m not trying to be naive. You’re not going to have that kind of relationship with everyone you go to church with.

But you should have at least one, if not a few—

Because that’s how God designed it.

Walking in the Light

We are quickly approaching the holiday season. And I know that, not just because of what the calendar tells me—but also because of what you’re telling me.

In the past couple of weeks, I’m already hearing from a bunch of my staff and from several of you about the anxiety that you feel as you look ahead to being in a house and at the table with your family or your family extended. Already some of us are kinda bracing for that.

Contrast that with all of the tear-jerking, heart-strings-pulling, Norman-Rockwell-painting ads that make their way into our scrolling and onto our TVs at this time of year. Moms and Dads looking on lovingly as kids open presents; Grandpa carving the turkey at a full table of a smartly dressed and smiling intergenerational family members.

I think I even saw one where there’s like 3 Grandmas sledding downhill. (!)

All of that to say:

I’ve spoken pretty romantically about the church as this family that just misses you deeply when you’re not around.

But I’ve said nothing to this point about how you build that kind of family,

Or how hard it sometimes is to do that,

Or how messy.

And so I’d like to share a quote that I think will set us up for something a little more real, more practical, and more relevant as we go to participate and even build this kind of family that God has designed.

It’s from a guy named Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Dietrich was a German Lutheran pastor during the rise of Adolf Hitler. He became part of the confessing church—because Hitler had convinced the rest of the churches to join him in his cause.

And as Dietrich spoke and wrote and helped Jewish people escape, he was eventually arrested in 1943 and spent the final two years of his life in a Gestapo prison until he was transferred to a concentration camp and executed just weeks before the Allies defeated the Axis and ended the war.

But in the years before his imprisonment, as the heat on him and other confessing Christians who refused to join the Nazis mounted, Dietrich wrote a book called “Life Together” in which he talked about the true nature of this church, this body—what Christian community truly is, and what it actually required.

Here’s the quote:

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Innumerable times a whole Christian community has broken down because it has sprung from a wish dream. The serious Christian, set down for the first time in a Christian community, is likely to bring with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and to try to realize it. But God's grace speedily shatters such dreams.

Every human wish dream that is injected in the Christian community is a hindrance to genuine community and must be banished if genuine community is to survive. He who loves his dream of community more than the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial.

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

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Get this now:

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There’s no pretending in God’s family. We don’t perform.

Instead, we pull back the curtain on our lives to let the Light in.

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I’m in a small group of couples who all go to Prairie Lakes. Some of have left over the years; others we’ve added. But we’ve had the same handful of couples for a little while now.

And as someone in that group—who is himself a pastor—I would say:

It’s still a lot easier to just pretend. To stay on the surface. To small talk around some good food and drinks; to talk a little more deeply about the video or the sermon-based questions.

And there’s value in that.

But when we started to re-engage this fall after taking a break this summer, we had everyone over to our house, and put everyone out on our back deck, and split up—guys around a table; girls around the fire.

And it was one of those times that I just felt this conviction:

Time to go below the surface a little bit.

And so we did. And we got a little more honest with each other.

Some of us talked about the season of work we were in.

Some of us talked about our marriage or something with our kids.

And just about everyone took a step of vulnerability—to pull back the curtain on our lives, and to let some light in.

This is what the Apostle John calls “fellowship”—as he describes it in his first letter:

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1 John 1:5–9 “This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth.

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

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When we stay on the surface in our relationships—

Especially at church:

When we engage with our church in a way that kinda keeps most of our relationships at a surface level,

What we’re really doing is keeping everyone else—

And ourselves—

In the dark.

And while we might be big fans of Prairie Lakes,

We’re not in really fellowship with PLCers.

And that’s what we really need:

We need fellowship.

We need some people in our lives who we can pull back the curtain around.

We need some people we can get below the surface with,

Even confess our sins to,

Get honest with,

Who can point us to the Light and be a light in the places we need it the most.

So much of our lives require us to perform.

We gotta perform at work.

We gotta keep it together for our families.

We gotta hold our tongue at Thanksgiving.

But with God,

In his body,

We’re invited to stop pretending,

Stop performing,

Pull back the curtain,

And let some light in.

We’re designed to be in fellowship with one another.

We’re designed to be meaningfully, vitally, and usefully connected to one another.

We’re designed to be a community in fellowship with one another as one body.

Go a little deeper.

It’s not always easy.

But it’ll be good.

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