THE SEVEN A’S OF CONFESSION

Becoming a Peacemaker Series | Confession Brings Freedom

Introduction

God offers us a path to find freedom from our past mistakes. This path is called confession. The challenge for many people is that they have never learned how to confess their wrongs honestly and unconditionally the right way. Usually, they say things like “I’m sorry if I hurt you” or “Let’s just forget the past,” which are common phrases. Sadly, these TOKEN statements often don’t lead to true forgiveness and reconciliation. Confessing God’s way involves using these Seven A’s of Confession.

Address Everyone Involved

General Rule: Confess your sins to every person who has been directly affected by your wrongdoing.

Psalm 32:5 KJV 1900

5 I acknowledged my sin unto thee, And mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; And thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah.

Psalm 41:4 KJV 1900

4 I said, Lord, be merciful unto me: Heal my soul; for I have sinned against thee.

Confessing sin to others versus just God alone is dependent on whether it was a “heart sin” or a “social sin.”

Social sin involves words or actions that actually affect other people. (i.e., slander, stealing, lying, etc.).

Social sins should be confessed to those affected by them, whether by an individual or by a group.

Luke 19:8 KJV 1900

8 And Zacchaeus stood, and said unto the Lord; Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor; and if I have taken any thing from any man by false accusation, I restore him fourfold.

Acts 19:18 KJV 1900

18 And many that believed came, and confessed, and shewed their deeds.

In all instances, your confession should reach as far as your offense.

Avoid If, But, and Maybe

Using the words “if,” “but,” or “maybe” are words that tend to shift blame to others and minimize or excuse your guilt.

Here's an example of how this is commonly handled:

“I’m sorry if I’ve done something to upset you.” The word “if” undermines the confession because it suggests you are unsure whether you actually did wrong. In truth, you are expressing: “Obviously you’re upset about something. I don’t know if I’ve done anything wrong, but I’ll give you a token apology just to get you off my back. Also, since I don’t know whether I’ve done anything wrong, I definitely don’t know what I should do differently in the future. So don’t expect me to change. It’s only a matter of time before I do the same thing again.”

This is, as you may know already, a superficial statement designed to get someone to stop bothering you or to transfer fault for breaking a relationship. No wonder there is rarely any true forgiveness in such cases.

Here are some more common ways we confess but don’t truly mean it.

· “Perhaps I was wrong.”

· “Maybe I could have tried harder.”

· “Possibly I should have waited to hear your side of the story.”

· “I guess I was wrong when I said those critical things about you.”

· “I shouldn’t have lost my temper, but I was tired.”

The interesting thing about these statements is that they would be valid if the italicized words were left out. Words like “perhaps,” “maybe,” “possibly,” “I guess,” and “but” neutralize true confession. They do not convey sincere repentance. Neither do they soften the heart of the person who has been offended.

The word “but” can be especially harmful. It tends to cancel out everything that comes before it. Here are a few examples.

“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but you really upset me.”

“I should have kept my mouth closed, but she asked for it.”

“I know that I was wrong, but so were you!”

Statements like these indicate that the words following the “but” are more truthful than the words that came before it. Again, any confession that uses such words rarely leads to reconciliation.

Admit Specifically

As you can guess, the key to a sincere confession is that it be detailed and specific. When you do this, you are more likely to get a positive response. Specific admissions help prove to others that you are honestly facing what you have done, which, in turn, makes it easier for them to forgive you. Being specific also helps you identify the behavior that you need to change.

Here is an example.

Instead of saying, “I know I’m not much of an employee,” you might say, “I know I’ve had a very negative attitude the last few months, which has led me to be critical of others and disrupt the operation of this office. It was especially wrong of me to criticize your work in front of others yesterday.”

Being specific in your confessions means addressing both your attitudes and actions. Remember, conflict begins in the heart with unmet desires that lead to sinful attitudes. If you clearly identify your sinful desires and attitudes along with your words and actions, others are more likely to believe you are truly repentant.

Another wise piece of advice is to admit specifically what you did to violate God’s will. We see a great example of this in the story of the Prodigal Son. Note what he said.

Luke 15:21 KJV 1900

21 And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.

When you do this, you show that you understand what you did was not just a minor mistake but a serious violation of God’s will. A good way to do this is to identify the Biblical principles you broke. Here are a few examples:

My critical comments have not only hurt you, but they've also offended God. I have disobeyed His command to avoid slandering others.

I’ve finally realized that I have entirely failed to be the kind of husband God wants me to be. In Ephesians, he says I should love you as Christ loved the church, but I haven’t even come close to living up to that standard.

Last night I spent quite a while studying what the Bible says about employment relationships, and I realize that I have not treated you the way God wants me to. In particular, I violated Ephesians 6:9 when I threatened you.

Giving detailed, specific confessions about violating God’s will shows the other person that you recognize your behavior was wrong. It also helps you focus on the Biblical principles you need to ask God to help you obey in the future. All of this will support you in making the necessary changes to prevent similar wrongdoing.

Acknowledge the Hurt

Another key part of reconciliation and confession is making an effort to acknowledge and express remorse for the harm or impact you have caused the other person. You aim to demonstrate that you understand how the other person felt because of your words or actions.

Here are two examples of how this can be done:

· “You must have been terribly embarrassed when I said those things in front of everyone. I’m very sorry I did that to you.”

· “I understand why you were upset when I didn’t deliver the parts on time. I apologize for not keeping my promise to you.”

Occasionally, it is beneficial to ask the other person how they felt as a result of your behavior. This is especially important when you suspect that your conduct deeply hurt the other person, but are reluctant to tell you. You might try showing them that you are trying to understand how they are affected by sharing a similar experience from your own life.

For example:

· “I can understand how you feel. I was falsely accused by an employer, too, and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I’m sorry I’ve put you through the same thing.”

· “I’m sure you were hurt by what I did. I remember when a close friend of mine failed to keep a promise to help me with a business I was starting. I worked for months, but without his help, it wouldn’t have worked. I was really hurt by what he did. I’m sorry I similarly failed you.”

The key to this step is understanding their feelings and genuinely showing remorse for hurting them. However, you shouldn't focus on this too much. Once their feelings are acknowledged and they see that you regret your actions, most people are willing to forgive and move forward.

Accept the Consequences

Another way to genuinely show repentance is to clearly accept the consequences of your actions. Once again, the prodigal son is a great example of this. After he confessed his sins against God and his father, he decided to say...

Luke 15:19 KJV 1900

19 And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants.

Similarly, if you have repeatedly broken an employer’s trust, you might say, “You have every right to fire me because of what I have done, and I wouldn’t blame you if you did.” Or, if you damage someone’s property, you may need to say, “It will take me some time to earn the extra money, but I will see that your property is repaired or replaced as quickly as possible.” Or, if you help spread false information about someone, you might say, “Beginning this evening, I will call every person I talked to and admit that my statements were not true.” The more you work on making restitution and repairing damage, the easier it will be for others to believe your confession and reconcile with you.

Alter Your Behavior

Explaining to the person you offended how you plan to change your behavior in the future is another sign of genuine repentance. This should include describing some of the attitude, character, and behavior changes you hope to make with God’s help. You might mention that you plan to meet with a friend, church leader, or counselor who can offer you advice and hold you accountable for the changes you want to make.

As an employer, you could create new policies on how to train and supervise employees to prevent future misunderstandings and conflicts. As a pastor, you could outline how you will lead future changes in the church to avoid miscommunication and ensure everyone has a fair chance to participate in decisions. When recognizing that you cannot change things alone and are relying on God, it is often helpful to start describing your plan for change with words like, “With God’s help, I plan to...”

Written plans offer several advantages. They demonstrate that you are serious about the issue and willing to dedicate significant time to planning how to address and improve it. Listing specific goals and objectives helps remind you of your commitments and provides a standard for measuring your progress. Another helpful idea is to ask the person you have wronged for suggestions on how you can change. Write down their ideas and follow up with them periodically to see if they believe you are keeping your promises. A written plan provides accountability to both yourself and others.

Ask for Forgiveness (and Allow Time)

Following the six steps above often leads many people to say they forgive you. However, if the person you've confessed to does not show forgiveness, you may ask, “Will you please forgive me?” This is an important question that indicates you have done all you can through confession, and that the next move is up to them. This often helps the offended person decide and express their decision to forgive you. We will soon discuss the details of forgiveness.

One thing you should be cautious about is this: never use this question to pressure someone into forgiving you. Some people forgive quickly, while others need more time to work through their feelings.

If you sense that the person you have confessed to is not ready to forgive, it may be helpful to say something like – “I know that I have deeply hurt you, and I understand why you might have a hard time forgiving me. I hope you will be able to forgive me soon, as I want to be reconciled very much. In the meantime, I will pray for you. I will do my best to repair the damage I caused as quickly as possible, and with God’s help, I will work to overcome my temper. If there is anything else I can do, please let me know.”

Time alone will not always bring forgiveness. Sometimes forgiveness is blocked because an apology was not enough. When forgiveness is delayed, it’s best to go back to the person who was wronged and explain your confession more clearly. If forgiveness still doesn’t come, you have a few options. If the person is a Christian who doesn’t seem to understand what forgiveness means, you can give them a pamphlet or book about forgiveness. Another option is to encourage them to talk with a pastor or a mature Christian friend. If these efforts don’t work after a reasonable time, you may need to involve a pastor to help facilitate reconciliation.

Conclusion

Not every confession requires all seven steps. Minor offenses can often be handled with a simple statement. The more serious the offense, however, the wiser it is to make a thorough confession using all of the Seven A’s.

Here's one final warning. When we use a process like the Seven A’s, we can turn it into just a meaningless ritual and completely miss what God intends for us to do.

Luke 11:42 KJV 1900

42 But woe unto you, Pharisees! for ye tithe mint and rue and all manner of herbs, and pass over judgment and the love of God: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone.

This happens when we use the process for our own benefit instead of seeing it as a way to glorify God and serve others.

Pray to God to protect you from this sin. When you go to confess a wrong, remember that you are there to serve the other person, not to find comfort for yourself. Focus on demonstrating God’s loving work in your life and on caring for the person you have hurt. Regardless of their response, sincerely strive to fulfill your commitment to repair any damage caused and to change your behavior in the future. This is the quickest way to achieve true peace and reconciliation.