Reconciling Relationships

Introduction

Tim Keller in his book on forgiveness says this:

“To forgive is first to release the wrongdoer from liability by absorbing the debt to oneself. To forgive is then to aim for reconciliation and restoration of the relationship that was broken by the wrongdoing.”

— Tim Keller, Forgive, p. 183

Last week Zach did an awesome job speaking about forgiveness

Zach’s message last week:

Why don’t we forgive?

We are prideful.

We don’t understand the depths of our sin.

Why should we forgive?

It’s a divine mandate

It reflects a relationship with God

How do we forgive?

Recognize who we are

We are not God

We are sinners saved by grace

This week we are going to talk about reconciliation.

“I’ve forgiven her, isn’t that good enough?”

“We’re all good. There’s no problem.”

Test if a relationship near you needs reconciliation:

You avoid them more than before “the incident”

You are irritated by things they do that never irritated you before.

You are quick to pass along negative information about them.

You secretly want the worst for them.

Through Jesus, we have the power and the process for reconciliation.

2 Corinthians 5:16–18 ESV

16 From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 18 All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation;

Through the gospel we have been reconciled to God through Christ - I challenge you to name a more broken relationship than this!

They are two sides of the same coin, but sometimes the coin doesn’t flip.

It takes “two to tango” and only one to breakdance.

You are the only person needed for forgiveness to be given but both you and the wrongdoer must work together to be reconciled.

Because of this, It is possible to forgive without ever being reconciled to the person who hurt you. However, true forgiveness means you will ALWAYS be open to reconciliation.

There are two passages in which Jesus describes two sides of a broken relationship and one process for reconciliation.

How many of you have ever had someone sin against you?

How many of you have always been the offended party and never the offender?

It takes two to tango!

We are going to take a look at both passages, and we will see:

Reconciliation begins with you because it began with Jesus!

Jesus begins

Matthew 5:23-24

23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. 

The statement implies you are the offending brother. 

perhaps it is the for an offense similar to what Jesus had just outlined - anger - calling your brother Raca - idiot, empty

Carrying out reconciliation is more urgent than carrying out worship

Why? Because carrying out reconciliation displays the gospel!

Psalm 24:3–4 ESV

3 Who shall ascend the hill of the Lord? And who shall stand in his holy place? 4 He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to what is false and does not swear deceitfully.

*What relationships in your life right now that are strained or broken do you have the power to fix?

Sure, you can describe what the other person could have done differently, but you know you have something to as forgiveness for, and you know that if you do there is a good chance you can reconcile.

You can’t worship God while hating someone made in His image!

Matthew 18:15 (ESV) 15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.

Verse 15 is the ideal. It is how you work to reconcile a relationship that has become divided through conflict

“IF your brother sins against you” 

- The IF is conditional and the Greek does not give us an indication on the likelihood of this scenario taking place.

let’s be honest, it’s more like WHEN a brother sins against you

Jesus stated this was a “brother” who caused the offense

There can be a difference between how we reconcile with a “brother and a ‘non-brother’?”

For someone who has experienced reconciliation to God through the gospel and who has the indwelling Holy Spirit to guide him, I have an expectation that this process can and should be carried out smoothly

I do not have the same expectation from someone who has not been changed by the gospel and is guided by the Holy Spirit

I may have a HOPE that they will — this is a good method of reconciliation.

We would say this is God’s common grace - God’s goodness and grace that is given to both believers and unbelievers alike.

It is certainly possible to use Jesus’ process here to reconcile a relationship between two unbelievers or between a believer and an unbeliever - Those to whom Jesus is speaking do not yet have the Holy Spirit indwelt within them

How much more, then, should we expect those who have the Holy Spirit’s power at work in their lives to be able to reconcile

ILLUST - Given that we as believers in the church have both the process and and power for reconciliation, do you see that believers are better at reconciling broken relationships (in marriage, home, work, IN THE CHURCH)?

[THEN] go - Interesting that the offended party is to begin the process of reconciliation

The one offended is not to wait until the other person comes to apologize

i.e., “I might consider reconciling IF she makes any effort to work it out”

What do you do when you are offended?

Tell him his fault - I feel like we need to explain this - there are many ways one might “tell another their fault”Tell him his fault

“The next part of the Greek is not easy to translate, as is shown by the variety of renderings that have been accepted; for example, NIV reads, “go and show him his fault”; REB, “take the matter up with him”; and JB, “have it out with him.”

The idea Jesus is promoting is to try to have the offender see the error of his ways

Tell him - not what you think of him, etc.his fault

between you and him alone

Tell him  - not everyone else.

There are two types of people in this world - those who tell NO ONE when they are offended and there are those who tell EVERYONE. 

Jesus says that when you are offended you are not to tell NO ONE nor are you to tell EVERYONE; instead, you are to tell ONE - the one who sins against you. 

If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.

IF he listens- same conditional if as before 

THEN you have gained your brother 

5 times this word is translated in the ESV as “win” or “won”

Jesus is saying if we follow his process of responding when offended:

Go to one who offended you

Explain what they have done wrong

If they hear, agree, and seek your forgiveness — you’ve won — not an argument — your brother. 

V16-20

Involve more of the community 

16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 

It is in attempt to keep the circle small

Follows the Law

Idea is someone may point out character flaw in me - I know, crazy, right?! I might resist thinking the one who came to me just doesn’t get it or is out to get me, but when thre is

17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 

Personally, with a few, church

This is someone set in their ways

If no repentance, treat him as though he were not a brother. How should we treat non-brothers? With boundaries but with openness.

Check your heart’s humility

It starts with the heart - always!!

Humility is the posture for reconciliation - regardless if you are the one wronged or you are the wrong doer

Humility is the posture necessary for our spiritual reconciliation to God through Christ, as well as the posture necessary for relational reconciliation with each other

Either way requires humility -

If i did something wrong - having to say i am wrong

If I did nothing wrong - Why should I take the first step?!

ILLUST - when I was really mad at Christine (sure I was right), went on a drive and God reveled to me that unless I believed that Christine either didn’t have the Holy Spirit or that she refused to listen to the Holy Spirit - I might be the one who is wrong!

The opposite of this would be to hold on to what you believe is your “right”

Go quickly and privately

Whose responsibility is it to begin the reconciliation process? MINE!

“GO” is found in both of those passages - regardless if you are the offender or the offended.

Don’t wait because you believe the other person is wrong and should go first (HINT - in almost every broken relationship each thinks the other is wrong!)

In the greatest reconciliation of all time, who moved first? Jesus!

With humility, Jesus moved first.

Philippians 2:4–8 ESV

5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Work to win your brother, not the argument

ILLUST - Christine and I - I can default to win an argument - that’s my fight language.

(Sometimes we would rather simply win the argument than the brother)

Sometimes we don’t move because we feel we will lose if we do - but lose what? the argument.

How to do this:

Stay focused on the issue

Avoid “you” statements and identity attacks

Pray for the other person

Reestablish the relationship

If reconciliation has been successful the relationship may bo back to the way it was before the “incident”

If the other person is unwilling to reconcile, you may need to reestablish the relationship in a different way - with different boundaries — always willing to reconcile back to a full relationship if the reconciliation process can be completed.

Forgiveness is to be given freely, but trust is to be earned over time.

Matt 18

ILLUST - lifeguarding and approaching someone who was drowning.

Those who know they’re drowning you rush to save

Those who fight you - keep a safe distance (so they don’t pull you down) and reach when they are ready

Those who don’t believe the water is rising you simply watch and wait

Through Jesus we have the power and the process for reconciliation.

Reconciliation begins with you because it started with Jesus!