Grief During the Holidays

Welcome and Icebreaker

Greet participants. Ecclesiastes 3:1–4 “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” Life is an everflowing river of changing seasons but in all of them God is sovereign and good. Amen? Let’s pray.

Prayer: Give thanks for the seasons of life and God’s goodness and love through each one of them.

Icebreaker question: If you would like to, no pressure, share one holiday memory that brings joy or sorrow—you don’t have to elaborate just a holiday memory.

Some memories are good and joyful and some memories are painful and bring sorrow. In each, God is doing something, namely pointing us to Christ. Romans 8:28–29 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.” In all of our joyful moments and moments of greatest sorrow, God is working for our good and His glory, ultimately conforming us to the image of His Son, Jesus Christ. So, even our grief points us to Christ, the second person of the Trinity, who understand our grief. John 11:35, the shortest verse in all of Scripture, says, “Jesus wept.” Jesus experienced grief just as we do and therefore Jesus can sympathize with us and help us. Today’s goal is to explore how Scripture speaks to grief and equips us to manage it through God's grace.

Biblical Teaching on Grief

Key Content:

How would you describe grief?

Jay Adams describes grief this way, “Grief may be called a life-shaking sorrow over loss. Grief tears life to shreds; it shakes one from top to bottom. It pulls him loose; he comes apart at the seams. Grief is truly nothing less than a life-shattering loss.” Grief is often likened to sorrow, but grief is never just simple sorrow or sadness. Grief is more like a tangled web of emotions, anger, guilt, shame, fear, and even joy, all tangled up together. These emotions normally come and go like the wind here in the Texas Panhandle. It starts out like a nice little breeze that we get to enjoy and celebrate in, and out of nowhere, a 60MPH gust comes through and wreaks havoc on everything. But why is grief even a thing? We believe that all suffering, including grief and loss, are the result of the fall all the way back in Genesis 3. When Adam and Eve ate of the fruit, it brought all sorts of cursing, sin, and destruction, including death. Yet, God uses it all for His glory and our good, which is our sanctification.

Question 1 of the Heidelberg Catechism asks: What is your only comfort in life and death? The answer: That I am not my own, but belong-body and soul, in life and death-to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ. He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood, and has delivered me from the tyranny of the devil. He also watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in heaven; in fact, all things must work together for my salvation. Because I belong to Him, Christ, by his Holy Spirit, also assures me of eternal life and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready from now on to live for him.

What is your comfort in life and death? That I am not my own and belong faithfully to Jesus Christ. When grief hits, when you lose someone dear to you, where do you find your comfort? When you lose your job just before the holidays, or get a diagnosis, where do you find your comfort? Holidays are tricky, because they hold these expectations of joy right? We are supposed to be joyful this time of year not sad. But, remember, that God meets us both in our joy and in our lament, our sadness. Now I am going to read through and explain some passages of Scripture for us, and then we will have some discussion about grief, then end with some practical helps for grief during the holidays. Any questions or comments so far?

Scripture Exposition (15 minutes): Teach through selected passages, reading aloud and explaining.

Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” John Calvin says, “Moreover, it is meet that the faithful should be thus utterly cast down and afflicted, that they may breathe again in God alone.” In other words, God is so enjoined to His people, that even in their darkest days, they have their breath in Him. Because God is with us and never departs from us, we can rest in and breath easily, knowing that God is for us. Calvin goes on to say, “It is a doctrine full of the sweetest consolation, that God departs not from us, even when we are overwhelmed by a succession of miseries, and, as it were, almost deprived of life.” What a sweet reminder, that even when we feel like death itself is overtaking us, God is with us, and for us. In Romans 8 Paul talks about the goodness of God for His people and the way in which God is for us rather than against us; so much so, that He gave his only Son for us. Then he says in verses 35-39, Romans 8:35–39 “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” In or grief, anxiety, depression, whatever it is, in Christ, you always have the God of the universe fighting for you. When you feel most alone, God is with you, and He will never leave you.

John 11:1-44 (Lazarus story) – In John 11 we have the story of Lazarus. We all know the story. Jesus’s friend Lazarus gets sick, Mary and Martha send for Jesus, but by the time he gets there, Lazarus has already died and been placed in his tomb. I want to read for us verses 32-37. John 11:32–37 “Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?” What I want us to notice first and foremost is that Jesus doesn't just feel for Mary and Martha; Jesus weeps with them. This is important because we so easily fall into this almost negative of view Jesus sometimes. We think to ourselves, “Yea sure Jesus “feels” for me but that doesn’t help me.” But in reality, Jesus doesn’t just “feel” for you, Jesus weeps along with you, because he is with you. The second thing I want us to see here is that our response to this matters. You see in this story that some people saw this taking place and were moved with compassion and they were weeping also. But, others hardened their hearts against Jesus, and said, “He (Jesus) healed the blind and so he could have healed Lazarus but he didn’t; so Jesus must not have loved him as much.” The story goes on to say that these who hardened their hearts against Jesus because of this, are the ones who went on to tell the Pharisees and set the charges against Jesus to have him killed. You see our response matters and what we believe about Jesus matters. Jesus doesn’t love some of us more than others; Jesus loves us all the same. Just because a situation doesn’t turn out the way we expect it to, or hope for it to, doesn’t mean that Jesus must not love us as much. This is the very attitude that drove some to kill Jesus. If we believe that Jesus loves others more than us, we begin moving down this slope of hardening our hearts against Him, and eventually we begin to despise Him. The truth is Jesus loves you and is with you, weeping with you, protecting you, and he will never leave you. Do not harden your hearts against Him. Lastly, I want us to see in this passage that there is hope. Because Jesus loved Lazarus, and Mary and Martha, he raised Lazarus from the dead. And so it is with us, Jesus gives us life and resurrection hope. Jesus doesn’t leave us in despair and this hope brings joy. Imagine the utter amazement and joy that Mary and Martha had as Lazarus walked out of the tomb alive. They hoped in Jesus and put their faith completely in Christ alone; life was given and joy restored. This is our hope.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 – “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.” Suffering often times overflows, but so should the comfort we have received. John Calvin says of this passage, “As the apostle was not living for himself, but for the church, so he reckoned that whatever gifts God had given to him were not given to him alone, but so that he might have greater capacity to assist other people. And certainly, when the Lord confers a blessing upon us, he in a manner invites us by his example to be generous to our neighbors. The riches of the Spirit, therefore, should not be hoarded, but whatever we receive should be shared with others. This, indeed, should especially be true among ministers of the Word; nevertheless, it pertains to everyone according to the capacity of each one. Thus Paul acknowledges here that just as he was being sustained by God’s comfort, so it was necessary that he comfort others.” One of the biggest assets we have before us in grief or any other type of suffering, which is rarely used, are the people God has placed around us. Through the people around you, God is providing comfort, that we often never receive because we refuse to reach out or be reached by community. I often hear, as a counselor, “People just don’t understand.” I hear veterans all the time, refuse help, because, “How can they help me when they have never experienced what I have?” The truth is, you'll never find help if someone has to experience exactly what you are going through in order to help you. No two people will experience the exact same thing. But, we do experience grief, anxiety, depression, anger, etc., all the same. Therefore, we can comfort each other the way God comforts us, and we should, because it is necessary according to Paul here in 2 Corinthians. God comforts us because He is the Father of mercies and all comfort. Not some comfort, ALL comfort. And where our suffering overflows, so also our comfort overflows. This happens in community and conversation, prayer and reading Scripture. I share about my addictions, PTSD, and my fall a few years ago as often as I can. Why? Because what I experienced, someone else might be experiencing, not exactly but similarly, and the comfort I received I give to them. We have commonality in community. In other words, when we say we share all things in common in the community of the church, that means ALL things, even grief. One more passage to look at and then we will start discussing some things together.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 – “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.” Those outside of Christ grieve as though death is the end of all existence. But we, those who have Christ and the promise of a future kingdom, grieve with hope. Paul reminds us in this passage that one day, all who die in Christ, will be together in this future kingdom. That is the hope we latch on to in death. Grieve, but not as those without hope; the return of Christ transforms our holiday longing into eternal anticipation. Many of us will be missing someone at the holiday table, but our hope is that one day we will be reunited with them in an eternal kingdom along with Christ. Listen to this from Martin Luther about this passage, “St. Paul exhorts the Thessalonians not to sorrow over the dead as others who have no hope, but to comfort each other with God’s Word as having a certain hope of life and of the resurrection of the dead. It is little wonder if those are sad who have no hope. Nor can they be blamed for it. Since they are beyond the pale of faith in Christ, they must either cherish this temporal life as the only thing worthwhile and hate to lose it, or they must expect that after this life they will receive eternal death and the wrath of God in hell and must fear to go there. But we Christians, who have been redeemed from all this by the dear blood of the Son of God, should by faith train and accustom ourselves to despise death and to regard it as a deep, strong, and sweet sleep, to regard the coffin as nothing but paradise and the bosom of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the grave as nothing but a soft couch or sofa, which it really is in the sight of God; for he says, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep,” and, “The girl is not dead but sleeping.” Death is nothing more than a deep, strong, and sweet sleep, in which we awake, in glory with our Saviour and King. A sweet reminder, full of hope, in which we can rest and find our comfort in times of grief.

Application: So, what do we learn from all of these passages we have looked at? First, that God draws near to the grieving. Our God is near to the broken hearted. He isn’t some impersonal force that sees and hears but does nothing. God is for with us and for us, working ALL things for our good and His glory. Second, that Jesus not only understands our grief, but shares in our grief. When we weep, Jesus weeps with us. The mighty Counselor, is with you, sharing in everything that you go through. Third, the God of all comfort gives comfort through community. God understands the difficulty and loneliness we experience, and He has given us people that will help us, a body full of experience and comfort. Lastly, we do not grieve as those without hope. We have Christ, his promises, and the hope of eternal blessedness beyond this life. When we die, it is not as if existence has ended, but we have fallen asleep and awoken to paradise. One day, we will be reunited with our loved ones. That is our hope and comfort. So know, you all will get the chance to talk and give me a break.

Group Discussion

Activities: Break into small groups or discuss as a whole if small class. Remember, what you have gone through and experienced may be exactly what someone else may need to hear. So if you are able to share, please do, but don’t feel like you have to.

Questions:

How does holiday grief manifest in your life (e.g., empty seats at the table, lost traditions, new traditions)?

How does knowing God's sovereignty change your view?

How does having a resurrection filled, gospel centered hope, change the way you view grief?

From the passages, what surprises you about how God responds to grief?

Share a time when Scripture brought comfort.

Trials conform us to Christ Romans 8:28–29 shows us this, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.” How might holiday grief serve this purpose?

Transition: Now, let's move from understanding to action—how we manage grief practically through gospel truths.

Practical Strategies for Managing Grief

Key Content:

Managing grief is not necessarily about ridding ourselves of grief, we are always going to remember those we have lost, there will be seasons, or degrees, of grief in our life. There is a song I know called Grief is Love. In this song he repeats in the chorus that “grief is love that has no where to go.” Now, this is a secular artist, how obviously grieves without hope. But, I believe this is a more profound statement than the artist thinks. For those without hope, it seems as though grief is love that has no where to go, because death is the end. For us, we grieve with hope, therefore our love for those we have lost continues on into eternity, but we have to redirect that love appropriately. For some, and this artist admits this in the song, drinking becomes the outlet of that love. For some it might be food, relationships, job, etc. Instead, we should be redirecting our love to Christ himself, by the means of ordinary grace. So we are going to look at a few ways we can do this.

Strategies with Scripture:

Discuss and brainstorm:

Embrace Lament as Worship: Laments are complaints or requests made to God by an individual or a community of individuals. “Laments begin with a call to God, then follow with a description of the need or complaint, a request for help, the reasons God should intervene, a statement of trust, and a concluding praise.” We are going to work through Psalm 13 with this worksheet together and see how we can use he Psalms to write out our own laments as worship to God.

Anchor in Hope: Meditate on resurrection promises. Here is a list of 10 gospel promises for grief that you can use to remind yourself of the goodness of God and his promises for you. Work on memorizing these verses, write them down on cards and put them somewhere you will see them often, and study them.

Seek Community: Share burdens in and with the church. Find a small group of people who have similar experiences and seek to comfort one another and grow with one another. Cultivate relationships built on love and care for one another.

Practice Gratitude in Grace: This is not forced positivity, but thanking God for unmerited favors (Ephesians 2:8-9), even amid sorrow. Let the goodness of God and what He has done for us lead us into joy and gratitude.

Engage Means of Grace: During times of suffering and grief, we should increase our Bible reading, engage in the community of the church, and pray for perseverance. These aren’t times to isolate and disengage from the people that God has placed around us, it is a time to increase our engagement.

Group Input: Invite quick shares of one practical step they'll take this holiday season.

Closing Prayer and Benediction

Activities:

Benediction: Read 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 aloud. 2 Corinthians 1:3–4 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

Pray:

Announce follow-up: Suggest resources like "Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy" by Mark Vroegop or church counseling.

Remember godly grief management glorifies God as we rest in His finished work.