Marriage

Rachel and I have been married almost 23 years.  And I remember our first fight.  It didn’t occur during the first year, it happened in the second year…a lot.

I am not even sure what it was about.  Money…probably money…debt, spending, saving…something.  And in the middle of the discussion…that’s what I call it…

She broke down in tears…”WHAT’S HAPPENING TO US?”

Over the last forty years, the “leading marriage indicators”—empirical descriptions of marriage health and satisfaction in the United States—have been in steady decline.2 The divorce rate is nearly twice the rate it was in 1960.3 In 1970, 89 percent of all births were to married parents, but today only 60 percent are.4 Most tellingly, over 72 percent of American adults were married in 1960, but only 50 percent were in 2008.

All of this shows an increasing wariness and pessimism about marriage in our culture, and this is especially true of younger adults. They believe their chances of having a good marriage are not great, and, even if a marriage is stable, there is in their view the horrifying prospect that it will become sexually boring.

This practice has grown exponentially in the last three decades. Today more than half of all people live together before getting married. In 1960, virtually no one did.

One quarter of all unmarried women between the ages of twenty-five and thirty-nine are currently living with a partner, and by their late thirties over 60 percent will have done so.

Driving this practice are several widespread beliefs. One is the assumption that most marriages are unhappy. After all, the reasoning goes, 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce, and surely many of the other 50 percent must be miserable. Living together before marriage, many argue, improves your chances of making a good marriage choice. It helps you discover whether you are compatible before you take the plunge. It’s a way to discover if the other person can really keep your interest, if the “chemistry” is strong enough.

BUT, THESE ARE ALL ASSUMPTIONS.

While it is true that some 45 percent of marriages end in divorce, by far the greatest percentage of divorces happen to those who marry before the age of eighteen, who have dropped out of high school, and who have had a baby together before marrying. “So if you are a reasonably well-educated person with a decent income, come from an intact family and are religious, and marry after twenty-five without having a baby first, your chances of divorce are low indeed.”

Just consider this:

During the last two decades, the great preponderance of research evidence shows that people who are married consistently show much higher degrees of satisfaction with their lives than those who are single, divorced, or living with a partner. It also reveals that most people are happy in their marriages, and most of those who are not and who don’t get divorced eventually become happy. Also, children who grow up in married, two-parent families have two to three times more positive life outcomes than those who do not.21 The overwhelming verdict, then, is that being married and growing up with parents who are married are enormous boosts to our well-being.

A 1992 study of retirement data shows that individuals who were continuously married had 75 percent more wealth at retirement than those who never married or who divorced and did not remarry. 

Even more remarkably, married men have been shown to earn 10–40 percent more than do single men with similar education and job histories. 

Why would this be? Some of this is because married people experience greater physical and mental health. 

Tim Keller says: marriage provides a profound “shock absorber” that helps you navigate disappointments, illnesses, and other difficulties. You recover your equilibrium faster. 

But the increased earnings probably also come from what scholars call “marital social norms.” Studies show that spouses hold one another to greater levels of personal responsibility and self-discipline than friends or other family members can. Just to give one example, single people can spend money unwisely and self-indulgently without anyone to hold them accountable. But married people make each other practice saving, investment, and delayed gratification. Nothing can mature character like marriage.14

YOU WOULD EVEN SAY THAT MARRIAGE IS DESIGNED.

Marriage is something created by God. AND EACH PARTNER MALE AND FEMALE IN THEIR UNIQUE ROLE COMING TOGETHER IS QUITE HOLY.

This is something that the writer of Genesis clearly indicates.

BIBLE VERSE

Genesis 2:18-25

18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” 19 Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. 21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. 

There is this beautiful idea in Genesis that indicates that husband and wife, man and woman were made for each other.  The man had no helper, so God made a helper out of man.  They were like one another, could relate to one another and shared everything together without fear, shame, guilt, anger, hostility, malice, jealousy, greed, envy….it was perfect.  They were made one for another.

After Genesis 2, we are confronted with the ugly sting of Genesis 3.  Sin enters into the world in a very peculiar way.  Its aim was to separate.  It would separate God and Man.  It would separate man from woman.  

Notice, the enemy’s deceptive ways:

BIBLE VERSE

Genesis 3:1-7

3 Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” 2 And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, 3 but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’ ” 4 But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. 5 For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” 6 So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. 7 Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. 

Notice something.  Adam was with her, but never spoke up.  The person who was created from him and for him was trapped in Satan’s destructive web. 

So, sin comes in and separates man from God.  He is banished from the Garden as a part of the curse of sin, but there is also another curse.  I want to read this to you because there is a curse, but there is also something so beautiful in it:

BIBLE VERSE

Genesis 3:15-21

15 I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel. (THIS IS KNOWN AS THE PROTO-EUGELION…it is the first promise of a redeemer)” 16 To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. 

Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you. (NOTICE STRIFE IN MARRIAGE AS A PART OF THE CURSE)” 17 And to Adam he said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree 

of which I commanded you, ‘You shall not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; 18 thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. 19 By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.” 20 The man called his wife’s name Eve, because she was the mother of all living. 21 And the Lord God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them.

Notice the pattern: the promise of the Gospel followed by the curse of sin (which part of the curse is strife and toil in marriage) followed by a demonstration of the Gospel….God clothes them.

God created marriage…man and woman broke the agreement….because of this there is strife….the Gospel comes and restores.

SO FOLLOW ME HERE…IF SIN BROKE ORIGINAL INTENT FOR MARRIAGE, THEN THE GOSPEL FIXES MARRIAGES TOO.

And therefore marriage because of the fall takes work.

So, how can we have a healthy marriage?  How can we get back to that original design for marriage the best we know how?

Now, one of the most controversial passages in our modern era lies at the heart of Ephesians.  I pointed it out last week.

BIBLE VERSE

Ephesians 5:21-33

21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. 

The English reads: Wives are to submit to your husbands out of reverence for Christ..  

Wives is not qualified, and therefore applies to every Christian wife, regardless of her social standing, education, intelligence, spiritual maturity or giftedness, age, experience, or any other consideration. 

Nor is it qualified by her husband’s intelligence, character, attitude, spiritual condition, or any other consideration. 

Paul says categorically to all believing wives: be subject to your own husbands.

We initially think that this is subservient or even slavery, but it is in light of the Gospel, and it plays off the primary command.

Look right above this verse:

BIBLE VERSE

Ephesians 5:21

21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. 

This is the primary command.  Paul says that as a demonstration to the Gospel being in our lives, we are to love….love means you will submit to one another…and submission is a  voluntary submission of ones rights.  

I love how John Macarthur explains it:

That is, the submission is to be a voluntary response to God’s will in giving up one’s independent rights to other believers in general.

Every believer submits to one another generally out of love for Christ.

However in a specific sense, Paul says that the wife will submit willingly not because it is a response to her husband, but it is a response to her love for Christ, and it goes diametrically against the curse of sin.  

Here’s how it practically plays out, and I will use my marriage relationship as an example:

Rachel is a highly educated, highly accomplished doctor.  She earns a good income.  She has a wonderfully pleasant disposition.  I married way out of my league. 

Rachel could easily say: I make a good living myslef.  I am smarter than you.  I am better looking than you.  I am running this household.  You must follow my leadership.  Because if you I don’t I will lord over my accomplishments over your head.  

No, instead….because of the Gospel…because of Christ’s work on the cross, Rachel chooses to demonstrate her love to Christ by walking out as an act of worship obedience to Christ by submitting to his order.  

At the heart of this submission is the notion of ‘order’. God has established certain leadership and authority roles within the family, and submission is a humble recognition of that divine ordering. The apostle is not urging every woman to submit to every man, but wives to their husbands

Submission does not mean your accomplishments don’t matter.  Submission does not mean that your work does not matter or that you are not valued.  Submission means that you are ultimately submitting to Christ first and his desire is for their to be proper order of leadership in the family.  

**********The only way this works properly is if both of you (husband and wife) are impacted by the Gospel.  

In most cultures of the ancient world, women were treated as little more than servants, and the practice is reflected in many parts of the world today. 

Marcius Cato, the famous Roman statesman of the second century b.c., wrote, “If you catch your wife in an act of infidelity, you can kill her without a trial. But if she were to catch you, she would not venture to touch you with her finger. She has no rights.” 

Husbands, your directive is submission to Christ and one another as well.  Paul will unpack you requirements by connecting back to the main verse which is - Submit one to another out of reverence to Christ.  

The wife submits to the husband’s leadership because of the Gospel, but for it to work properly the husbands submits to Christ and his directives which are to:  to love, provide, protect, and serve his wife and family—not to lord it over them according to his personal whims and desires.

We know this is the directive because Paul compares a husbands love and responsibility to Christ responsibility for the church.  

Husbands are to love their wives sacrificially.

Three other words might have been used in Greek for the love of husband for wife, and classical writers would more naturally have used them. There was the word eraō that expressed the deep sexual passion of man for woman, and the words phileō and storgeō were used for affection within the family. None of these is used here; instead Paul chooses the typically Christian word agapaō, love that is totally unselfish, that seeks not its own satisfaction, nor even affection answering affection, but that strives for the highest good of the one loved.

The use of the word here for love is always practical and always active.  It is not passive.  It is not fleeting. It is not sentimental or emotional, but it is a consistent and strong and lasting love.  It is the same type of love that Christ has for the church.

It is a sacrificial love.  It does not seek its own desires, its own interest, but sacrifices in order that she grows and develops into the woman that God has called her to be.  Men, if you want your wife to be more spiritual, more godly, more loving then all you have to do is look in the mirror.

If a loving husband is willing to sacrifice his life for his wife, he is certainly willing to make lesser sacrifices for her. He puts his own likes, desires, opinions, preferences, and welfare aside if that is required to please her and meet her needs. He dies to self in order to live for his wife, because that is what Christ’s kind of love demands.  That is his submission.

How can you do this?  Well, in and of yourself, you can’t.  It is only through the Gospel that you dare attempt such a thing.  You do it as an act of worship in response of the Gospel.

Preacher, you mean to tell me that my love for my wife is worship?  Absolutely it is.  You don’t do it because she is pretty (that is fleeting).  You do not do because of any vow (because as we know vows can be broken).  You do it as an act of worship.  

When you love your wife in this way, you are demonstrating worship unto God.  Now that changes the paradigm.  The other idea is interesting too.

Husbands are to love their wives with a purifying love.

When you accept the good news of the Gospel and believe he has forgiven you, your sins are immediately forgiven.

This idea that Paul is unpacking is bold and audacious.  He is saying husbands the purpose of the marriage you have is similar to Christ and the church.  Christ continues strengthen and edifies the church in order to reach its end goal and that is to stand before God.  

So get this….this is what he is saying…a marriage that is impacted by the Gospel is marked by husbands strengthening, edifying, developing, growing and consistently working towards her spiritual good.

Practically, this is done by walking in the Spirit and producing the fruit of the Spirit:

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Self Control

One thing that is always shocking to me about the Genesis story is that Adam is in the background while Eve was engaging in a conversation that was deceptive.  It is almost like the writer is telling us that Adam was not taking his responsibilities seriously.  He was not being a partner or a helper….he was not cultivating or protecting his wife.  He was passive at best.  It was destructive.

Paul would have known this story and while he doesn’t explain it in the text.  His adjectives he is using and his comparisons to Christ he uses (the second Adam the Bible tells us), is a way to show us God’s intent in marriage which Adam failed.

We submit to one another and develop one another in order that they look more and more like Jesus.

Let me show you practically.  My marriage is going to be marked by something different.  Its not just going to be about love or sex or adventure….it is going to be marked by mutually submitting to one another as we submit to Christ with our ultimate aim of fulfilling his purposes…and husbands, you take the lead on this.

In a way, we have a similar goal as Jesus does.  Our goal is that each of us grow closer to Christ as we serve one another.  

How do I do this?

First, the Gospel impacts you to live your life as worship to him.  This is the first building block.  Think about it.  Every word worshipped to your wife is worship unto him….that changes the dynamic does it not.

But not only that, the Gospel impacts our marriage because it changes so many dynamics.  Let me show you how (From Love that Lasts):

Because of the gospel, Christians have become new creations (2 Corinthians 5:17). Therefore, in our marriage, our past does not define us, confine us, or determines our future.

Because of the gospel, we are forgiven (Ephesians 1:7). Therefore we can live free of all guilt and condemnation for every sin, and we can trust that God, in his mercy, will be gracious to us. 

Because of the gospel we can forgive, just as Christ forgave us (Ephesians 4:32). Nothing done against us compares to our sin against God. Therefore all offenses, hostility, and bitterness between Christians can be completely forgiven and removed. 

Because of the gospel, we are accepted by God (Romans 15:7). Therefore we are not dependent on a spouse for who we are or what we need. 

Because of the gospel, sin’s ruling power over us is broken (Romans 6:6, 14). Therefore we can truly obey all that God calls us to do in our marriage, regardless of any circumstance or situation.

Because of the gospel, we have access to God through Christ (Hebrews 4:14-16). Therefore we can at any time take any need in our marriage to the One who can do all things. 

Because of the gospel, we have hope (Romans 5:1-4). Therefore we can endure any marital difficulty, hardship, or suffering, with the assurance that God is working all to our greatest good (Romans 8:28). 

Because of the gospel, Christ dwells in us by his Holy Spirit (Galatians 3:13-14). Therefore we are confident that God is always with us and is always at work in our marriage, even when progress is imperceptible (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24).

You see, because of the Gospel, everything truly changes.  Think about having a church full of marriages where we are mutually submitting to one another, where the aim is to help the other person grow closer to God, where every marriage is viewed as worship…what would happen to our church?  What would happen in your family?  What type of life would you model.

The Gospel changes everything.

CLOSE

As we close today, I want to challenge couples married couples to begin to see marriage (really all of life) as worship unto God.  If this is the case, what is the one thing you would do different tomorrow?

We handed out note cards that state….

If Marriage is worship, then I will worship God by…..(fill in the blank)

If you are married, right down a task or a concept, not because your are trying to be good, but because God has rescued you.

For those who want to take it further, write down how you can help your spouse grow closer to Christ, is it praying together, memorizing scripture together, reading the Bible, talking about God…do it this week.

For those who are unmarried, write down a goal for you when you are married….keep it locked in your mind or your heart, and when that time comes, do it, but in the meantime, pray over it.

For those of you who have walked through a divorce, I want you to write down 2 Corinthians 5:17. If you walked through a painful time, I am sorry.  I want to encourage you, God makes all things new.  

Let’s pray.

32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.