Covenant & Covering Series 19 (2)

The Spirit Behind Control: Trusting God in the Role of a Wife

The Spirit Behind Control: Trusting God in the Role of a Wife

Introduction

Control in marriage rarely begins with bad intentions. For many wives, it grows out of concern, responsibility, and a desire for stability. Yet Scripture calls wives to examine not just *what* they do, but the *spirit* from which they act. God addresses control as a heart posture that reveals where trust is ultimately placed.

Marriage under covenant and covering requires faith. When fear replaces faith, control steps in. When trust in God’s order weakens, effort replaces rest. This lesson examines the spirit behind control, how it commonly manifests in wives toward their husbands, and how Scripture calls women to overcome it through surrender, trust, and obedience to Christ.

Reading of the Primary Scripture

1 Peter 3:1–6 KJV 1900

1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. 3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. 5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

This passage establishes God’s heart for influence without control. Peter addresses wives directly, calling them to a posture of submission, respect, and inner strength. The emphasis is not silence or passivity, but **trust in God expressed through character**.

Key truths from the passage:

- God values inner character over outward force

- Influence flows from faith, not pressure

- Trust in God produces peace and strength

This Scripture serves as the anchor for understanding control, submission, and godly influence within marriage.

Purpose of the Study

This lesson is intended to help wives:

- Identify the spiritual root of control

- Recognize controlling patterns in marriage

- Replace control with biblical trust and wisdom

- Walk in peace under God’s covering

Primary Focus

How control undermines covenant unity and how wives overcome it biblically

Key Texts

Genesis 3:1–7, 16

Ephesians 5:22–24, 33

1 Peter 3:1–6

James 3:13–18

Colossians 3:12–15

The Spiritual Root of Control in Wives

Control as a Result of the Fall

Genesis 3:16 KJV 1900

16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

After the fall, God described a distortion in the marital relationship. Desire would shift toward domination rather than partnership. Control is not feminine strength; it is a symptom of broken trust introduced by sin.

For wives, control often expresses itself as:

- Overfunctioning when trust feels risky

- Managing rather than supporting

- Correcting rather than honoring

Control and Fear of Vulnerability

Proverbs 31:11 KJV 1900

11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, So that he shall have no need of spoil.

A wife who trusts God and her husband can rest. When trust breaks down, control attempts to recreate safety. Control becomes a substitute for faith.

Common fears driving control:

- Fear of being unheard

- Fear of poor leadership outcomes

- Fear of instability or loss

Fear fuels control, but faith releases it.

What Control Looks Like in a Wife

Verbal Control and Correction

Proverbs 21:9 KJV 1900

9 It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, Than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

Proverbs 27:15 KJV 1900

15 A continual dropping in a very rainy day And a contentious woman are alike.

Scripture consistently warns against contentious speech in marriage. Control frequently manifests through constant verbal correction.

Examples include:

- Repeatedly pointing out flaws

- Framing criticism as “help”

- Rehearsing the same issue until compliance occurs

Correction without honor becomes control.

Emotional and Relational Control

Proverbs 31:26 KJV 1900

26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; And in her tongue is the law of kindness.

Emotional pressure is often subtle and difficult to recognize.

Common patterns:

- Withholding warmth or affection

- Creating guilt to influence decisions

- Using silence to punish or pressure

These behaviors damage intimacy and erode covenant trust.

Spiritualized Control

Ephesians 5:22 KJV 1900

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

Matthew 7:15–20 KJV 1900

15 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. 16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? 17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. 19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. 20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

Control sometimes appears spiritual while contradicting Christlike humility.

Examples:

- Using Scripture selectively to demand submission

- Claiming spiritual insight to override dialogue

- Measuring spirituality by compliance

True spirituality produces peace, not pressure.

The Fruit of Control in Marriage

Control Produces Resistance, Not Unity

James 3:16 KJV 1900

16 For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.

Control does not produce godly leadership; it produces withdrawal or conflict. A controlled husband often disengages emotionally or spiritually.

Observable results:

- Emotional distance

- Increased tension

- Breakdown of trust

Control Weakens a Wife’s Influence

1 Peter 3:1–2 KJV 1900

1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

Scripture teaches that godly influence flows from character, not control. A gentle and respectful spirit carries more weight than pressure ever could.

God’s Way of Overcoming Control

Submitting to Christ First

Colossians 3:12–15 KJV 1900

12 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; 13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. 14 And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. 15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.

A wife’s freedom from control begins with surrender to Christ. When Christ governs the heart, the need to manage a husband diminishes.

Practical surrender includes:

- Praying before reacting

- Releasing outcomes to God

- Choosing obedience over anxiety

Developing a Gentle and Quiet Spirit

1 Peter 3:3–4 KJV 1900

3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

Gentleness reflects confidence in God’s protection. It does not silence truth but communicates it with wisdom and restraint.

Gentleness grows through:

- Emotional self‑discipline

- Trusting God’s timing

- Valuing peace over control

Replacing Control With Trust and Wisdom

James 3:17 KJV 1900

17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.

Wisdom from above invites partnership and cooperation.

Godly wisdom in marriage:

- Speaks without pressure

- Listens without defensiveness

- Allows God to work without interference

Practicing Respect‑Centered Communication

Ephesians 4:29 KJV 1900

29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

Ephesians 5:33 KJV 1900

33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Respect strengthens a husband’s willingness to lead and engage.

Biblical communication:

- Builds rather than belittles

- Addresses concerns without accusation

- Honors before it corrects

Teaching Application

Reflection for Wives

- Where do I attempt to manage rather than trust?

- What fear fuels that behavior?

- How would my marriage change if I released control to God?

Practical Assignment

- Identify one controlling behavior to surrender in prayer

- Replace it with an act of respect or trust

- Commit to praying daily for your husband’s leadership

Closing Exhortation

Control is a counterfeit form of security. God’s design for wives is not rooted in pressure but in faith, trust, and spiritual strength. When a wife releases control and rests in God’s covering, her influence increases, peace grows, and covenant unity is strengthened.

A wife who trusts God more than outcomes becomes a powerful vessel of grace within her marriage.

“A wife does not walk in strength by controlling outcomes, but by trusting God with them. When she releases her grip, she finds His peace; when she rests under His covering, her quiet faith becomes her greatest influence.”—Pastor Robert Young