Forgiveness - Growth Focus

Our growth focus this quarter is on forgiveness.

Our focus text is:

“Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (Matthew 18:21–22, ESV)

Forgiveness is one of those windows into the glory of God that is arrestingly beautiful. It’s as potent as gunpowder when you see it or experience it in a home or a marriage or in parenting or among friends.

Because we live among people who can and do sin, we have the opportunity to forgive a lot. But we often don’t, or we let unforgiveness pile up and sour into bitterness and passive-aggression, or just good ‘ole fashioned aggression, and the hell scape of resentment.

If forgiveness is withheld, or if apologies and repentance never come, when those conversations and exchanges never happen, no matter how much you love your spouse of your kids, the relationships suffer a separation. The child that you love so deeply or the spouse or friend, will put up defenses and barriers to interact with you. We often don’t know how to forgive well: what to say or how to say it, or what to do, or we feel that we have reached a limit of our grace and can give no more.

Unforgiveness is where many people live with quiet misery — either they can’t give it, or haven’t been given forgiveness and they live with those who keep a record of wrongs. The world is the walking wounded with the scars of sin that never healed well, or are walking around with an open wound that gets nicked every day—unforgiveness that never started healing.

Today, in view of our growth focus, we are going to talk about the principles of forgiveness, and then work our way to some practices of forgiveness.

Principles and work our way to Practices

We will ask a few questions:

Did you deserve forgiveness? Who deserves it?

“For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:6–8, ESV)

“For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.” (Romans 5:10, ESV)

“For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him,” (Colossians 1:19–22, ESV)

No! We there is nothing in scripture about our deserving forgiveness. When the forgiveness of God was given, it was when we weak, sinners, hostile, and enemies.

There is a great principle here for us to hold onto:

You might think that forgiveness is impossible. Impossible for yourself or impossible to give to others for some reason. But what we learn from Christ is that the inexcusable is not unforgivable.

In fact, that’s the very grounds for forgiveness. If it wasn’t inexcusable then it wouldn’t need forgiveness. By definition the things that need to be forgiven are inexcusable.

So many people get caught up here thinking that they can’t forgive because the offense was inexcusable.

You are missing what forgiveness essentially is. And this is how you have been loved. God reconciled us to Himself and gave us a ministry of reconciliation.

There are ghastly things that we do to each other in this world. But it will be a glorious and strange sight one day to see some of the stories of God’s grace that He writes through forgiveness.

The Apostle Paul and those he murdered rejoicing together in heaven. What a wonderful and curious sight it would be to see those types of relationships restored here and now. That’s how it should be. That’s a dramatic result of our understanding and obedience to the gospel.

Jesus is teaching us that this type of radical forgiveness comes from meditation on being radically forgiven. Over and over again, the Bible pins us down in our sins. It gives us no options but forgiveness through Christ. None of our cases are special and different; all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. But the Bible is also relentless in the assurance of our pardon if we are in Christ. All can be washed clean, and all made well. All taken care of - past sins, present circumstances, and future security. God is wholly and marvelously good to those who trust in Him and come to Him for salvation.

Take a look and meditate on these promises of pardon. Let not your hearts be troubled, and make sure that you keep short accounts with your neighbor.

“And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.” (Colossians 2:13–15, ESV)

“For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” (2 Corinthians 5:21, ESV)

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.” (Romans 8:1–2, ESV)

“My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.” (1 John 2:1–2, ESV)

“For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 6:7–11, ESV)

The glory of forgiveness

A key element here is to enjoy and relish in God’s forgiveness in your own life. Marvel at how gracious God is to wipe our offenses away.

Satan is an accuser, but God is not. Marvel in how He heals our scars well. They don’t remain upon us as monuments to our shame, they are wiped away, and we are clothed now in His righteousness (Isa. 61:10).

“I will greatly rejoice in the Lord; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.” (Isaiah 61:10, ESV)

Transition: We are to marvel in Him and then to imitate Him.

As the Lord has forgiven you

“bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” (Colossians 3:13, ESV)

Our growth focus verse set in context

[Get a reader?] The obligation to give it to others // Parable of the unforgiving servant

- Matthew 18.

“Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times. “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”” (Matthew 18:21–35, ESV)

Preach: The Magnitude of our forgiveness. We are to see it as a scandal that we can’t forgive. We should see it for the hypocrisy and hellishness that it is.

Some will go to hell because of their unforgiveness:

“And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”” (Matthew 18:34–35, ESV)

Transition: Sometimes it goes undetected, but Jesus taught us to think about this often when we pray the Lord’s prayer

The trap in the Lord’s prayer

When Jesus teaches the disciples how to pray, he gives them a bit of a trap at the end of the Lord’s prayer. He says,

“and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matthew 6:12, ESV)

and right after the prayer — the immediate next verse in context are these words from Jesus:

“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14–15, ESV)

What would forgiveness for your sins look like if you were only forgiven to the degree that you forgive the people who have sinned against you?

Would all of your sins be forgiven? Only a few of them? Would your offenses keep coming up in conversation and hang heavy over everything you did?

In essence, Jesus is saying that if you have been given lavish mercy, and if you want to enjoy that lavish mercy, then that mercy demands that you show it to others, even if they have genuine offenses against you. After all, forgiveness doesn’t mean anything unless there are actual offenses that need forgiving.

Principles Recap

Do you deserve it? No.

What is inexcusable is not unforgivable

We must forgive others

Hopefully you know and agree to these principles, but it is good to be reminded of them and the severity of them — we often don’t live under the full weight of them. But where we very frequently miss the mark is on the practical applications of forgiveness — what it looks like and sounds like. That’s what we will consider for our remaining time.

Practical Considerations

Using accurate language in forgiveness

We must learn to tell the truth when we seek forgiveness. We need to use biblical language instead of euphemisms or excuses. The truth is much more ugly — it exposes what is really going on, but it also highlights the grandeur of forgiveness when it is sought and given.

Example:

What do we often hear when asking for forgiveness?

“I’m sorry you feel bad. I was tired when I came in the door, and there was really bad traffic today and I have a headache….”

You see what that is? It’s concealing and deflecting and excuse making.

And honest confession might sound like this:

“Please forgive me for what I said to you. I knew it would hurt you — that’s why I said it. In that moment, I wanted you to feel bad. There is no excuse; please forgive me?”

“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13, ESV)

“For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah” (Psalm 32:3–5, ESV)

Illustration: Esau seeking repentance with tears but not receiving it— excuses versus the truth. Using accurate, biblical language to define our sins

(Paul has a good practice at his home that he could share)

This is not only a good practice among our relationship to others, but necessary in our relationship to God. Our weekly confession of sin, and the confessions that we offer in private prayer, should not be vague generalities when scripture shows us where we have sinned. We should name them the way that God names them and then rest in how that particular ugliness has been washed clean.

The transaction of forgiveness (see notes below)

Forgiveness is a debt that we owe. We know that from the principle — that we owe that to God for his forgiveness to us and we owe it to others. But sometimes we will owe more than just words.

We are also to make restitution.

“But if it is stolen from him, he shall make restitution to its owner.” (Exodus 22:12, ESV)

“he shall confess his sin that he has committed. And he shall make full restitution for his wrong, adding a fifth to it and giving it to him to whom he did the wrong.” (Numbers 5:7, ESV)

NT examples:

“And Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, “Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor. And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold.”” (Luke 19:8, ESV)

“If he has wronged you at all, or owes you anything, charge that to my account. I, Paul, write this with my own hand: I will repay it—to say nothing of your owing me even your own self.” (Philemon 18–19, ESV)

How often do you see this in the exchanges of forgiveness?

The principle is clear — if you steal or break something, you need to restore it, plus some.

But let’s say that you have lingered in bitterness for a long time with a spouse and have used your words and expressions to tear down, to berate, and to be critical and unforgiving. Do you need to just apologize? Yes, as a start. But you also need to think about how the Bible teaches us about restitution. I would argue that repentance would now demand using your words to build, support, and encourage.

Think about restitution — where can I apply when I am called to forgiveness?

Preparing to give

Obviously, breaches in relationships cause rifts that separates fellowship. So what do you do when you want to forgive someone but they aren’t coming around you, won’t talk to you, or engage with you? You want to get it off of your chest — you need to act—, but they aren’t coming around to settle accounts? They aren’t answering the phone. They aren’t coming over to your house. What do you do?

A good practical tip to keep in mind is preparation to give. Think about the way that the Bible speaks about God’s plan for our redemption. He planned it before the foundation of the world. He wasn’t just thinking about it when the time came — He anticipated it and planned on it. The same is seen in the parable of the Prodigal Son. The father was ready to run when the son came over the horizon.

Have the gift of forgiveness and repentance gift-wrapped and ready the next time to you see them. Don’t wait to see if it will happen. Don’t go to the next Christmas lunch and gauge to see if the conversation goes right. Be ready. Scripture teaches us to

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:12–14, ESV)

Keeping short accounts

One of the key ways to prevent scars in your lives and relationships is to practice steady maintenance. If you do nothing, entropy will take over. If you never clean, the house becomes a barn. For many, forgiveness is only a subject they think about when there is so much relational trash on the floor that they can’t move or walk or think anymore without having to run into it. And by that time, the problem seems too big to address.

In another helpful illustration I’ve heard Doug Wilson use is that of two houses.

Imagine there are two houses in a neighborhood that are right next to each other. Both families have the same number of kids, they all play sports, and they all have busy schedules. But one of the houses doesn’t pick up after themselves. When the meals are over they plates remain on the counter or in the sink. The beds are left un-made. The towels are thrown on the floor, etc., etc. In this house, there is constant tension as everyone dodges and dances around the mess, and everyone is forced to deal with the stress of clutter and chaos until it eventually reaching its breaking point or they become hoarders who are buried under their selfishness. But right next door, the house is peaceful — the kids are playing and mom and dad have a good relationship. When dinner is over the plates go in the dish washer, the towels are picked up, and the milk is put back into the fridge. They clean up as they go, turning small acts of responsibility into great peace.

Many homes relationally are like the first home. Spills and messes are made that are never addressed and never picked up. They linger and fester and cloud the relationships with an oppressive odor. But Jesus tells us that we are to forgive even seven times in a day if necessary. We are to keep short accounts and deal with issues quickly. This may mean being willing to forgive when it is asked of us, but this will often require us to seek out forgiveness ourselves, or “cover or confront” other issues. Whatever picking up that mess or cleaning those dishes looks like relationally, keeping short accounts is required.

gestures and practices to restoration in public or before going in somewhere

Forgiveness. It’s as Easy As C,C,C.

A nice set of relational tools to keep handy are the 3 C’s of forgiveness. There are two that you can do and one that you should never do.

1) Cover

Most offenses simply need to be covered. 1 Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” Our love should be patient and kind, not fickle and overly sensitive to offenses. No one likes to walk on eggshells through the house of the easily offended.

What does it mean to be covered? It means that you don’t bring it up at all or three weeks later when you erupt over something else. You don’t give a deep sign that everyone can hear, and you don’t raise your eyebrows and stare with disgust; you just let it go. Probably 90 percent of the squabbles in relationships need to run off like water on a duck’s back and never become an issue to begin with. Be slow to anger. Hope all things. Consider others more significant than yourself.

2) Confront

The other 10 percent of offenses should be looked at frankly and dealt with. This means that you acknowledge the offense frankly and earnestly seek to get right before God and your neighbor (or spouse, or kids, etc.). Confronting should be done in a time when you are qualified to do so (Gal. 6:1), and not in the heat of the moment when you are raging like a she bear. It should be modeled after Jesus’ instruction for restoration in Matthew 18, with the goal of repair and rebuilding the relationship, not simply ‘winning’ the argument or beating the other person down until they acknowledge and feel shame for all of their sins.

A lot of people cannot do this well. Their emotions are in the driver’s seat, and they can’t confront without attack, or they are too scared of being vulnerable enough to discuss offenses (received and given) with a patient and charitable attitude. The easy thing is to fume, never deal with anything, and become passive-aggressive.

Which brings us to the one C that we should never do.

3) Complain

When there are offenses and sins, you should really avoid complaining. There is no situation where it is helpful. Self-pity is gross and manipulative. Telling everyone about how frustrated you are at another person is gossip and usually slander. Griping is the road that leads straight to bitterness, misery, and, for some reason, lots of cats (I’m kidding). It does no one any good and offers no power to change the situation. If it feels good to you to whine, it’s because you have an inflated sense of self and desperately want others to know how fragile and insufferable you are.

God is good, and in Him, everything is perfectly ok. Be willing to cover most offenses. Confront with charity the ones that need repentance, and refuse the uselessness of complaining.

Closing and questions