Covenant & Covering Series 20

“The Power of a Softened Heart”

Covenant & Covering – Study 20

Wednesday, January 7, 2026 “The Power of a Softened Heart”

Softness Is Not Weakness—It Is Covenant Strength

Primary Scripture:

Proverbs 4:23 KJV 1900

23 Keep thy heart with all diligence; For out of it are the issues of life.

INTRODUCTION

In this series, Covenant & Covering, we have talked about God’s design for protection, authority, trust, and unity. Tonight, we address something deeply personal—especially for wives:

What happens when a woman stays faithful, but her heart becomes guarded?

Many wives are not rebellious. They are not uncommitted. They are not ungodly.

They are wounded, tired, and self-protective.

This study is not about blame. It is about healing.

Core Truth: A hardened heart may survive—but only a softened heart can truly connect.

I. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GUARDED HEART AND A HARDENED HEART

Key Scripture

“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” — Proverbs 4:23 (KJV)

God commands us to guard our hearts—but never to harden them.

Guarded Heart (Biblical)

Discernment

Boundaries

Wisdom

Spirit-led restraint

Hardened Heart (Unbiblical)

Emotional shutdown

Inability to receive love

Resistance to vulnerability

Self-protection over connection

A guarded heart still feels. A hardened heart stops feeling.

“He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.” — Proverbs 25:28 (KJV)

Walls are meant to protect a city—not isolate it from life inside.

II. HOW A WIFE’S HEART BECOMES HARDENED

A. Hardness Is Usually Learned, Not Chosen

Most wives did not wake up one day and decide:

“I will be closed off.”

Hardness forms slowly through:

Repeated disappointment

Emotional neglect

Unresolved conflict

Carrying too much responsibility alone

Being strong for everyone else

“Hope deferred maketh the heart sick.” — Proverbs 13:12 (KJV)

When hope hurts too long, the heart adapts by shutting down.

B. Strength Without Tenderness

Many women were praised for:

Being independent

Not needing help

Holding it together

Being the “strong one”

But Scripture never separates strength from tenderness.

“Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.” — Proverbs 31:25 (KJV)

Biblical strength includes emotional depth, not emotional denial.

Illustration – Calluses on Hands

Calluses form where pressure is repeated. They protect—but they also reduce sensitivity.

Many wives have emotional calluses:

Protected from pain

But also numb to intimacy

God wants to heal what pressure created.

III. GOD’S PROMISE: A SOFT HEART IS A GIFT HE GIVES

Foundational Promise

“A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.” — Ezekiel 36:26 (KJV)

Notice:

God does not ask you to fix your heart

He promises to replace it

A heart of stone survives pain. A heart of flesh can feel again.

What Is a “Stony Heart”?

Hard

Protective

Unresponsive

Self-sufficient

What Is a “Heart of Flesh”?

Responsive

Tender

Teachable

Able to receive and give love

Softness is not naïveté. Softness is Spirit-formed strength.

Illustration – Potter and Clay

Clay must remain soft to be shaped. Once hardened, shaping becomes impossible.

God cannot form what refuses to soften.

IV. WHY SOFTNESS IS ESSENTIAL IN COVENANT

Marriage Is Not Just Commitment—It Is Connection

“And they shall be one flesh.” — Genesis 2:24 (KJV)

“One” requires:

Emotional openness

Shared inner life

Willingness to be known

A wife can remain faithful in action while withdrawing in heart—but covenant suffers when intimacy disappears.

Softness Does Not Mean Submission to Abuse

Important clarification:

Softness ≠ silence

Softness ≠ tolerating harm

Softness ≠ losing boundaries

Softness means:

Staying emotionally present

Allowing God to heal, not harden

Choosing vulnerability where it is safe and Spirit-led

“Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” — Ephesians 5:21 (KJV)

Submission includes emotional yielding, not emotional disappearance.

V. PRACTICAL STEPS FOR WIVES TO CULTIVATE A SOFTENED HEART

Step 1: Invite God Into the Hardened Places

“Search me, O God, and know my heart.” — Psalm 139:23 (KJV)

Ask:

“Lord, where did I stop feeling?”

“Where did I stop hoping?”

“Where did I decide to rely only on myself?”

Healing starts with honesty.

Step 2: Repent of Emotional Self-Reliance

This is not shame—it is surrender.

“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” — Proverbs 3:5 (KJV)

Many wives lean emotionally on themselves because they learned not to expect support.

God says: “Let Me carry what you’ve been holding alone.”

Step 3: Practice Small Acts of Tenderness

Softness grows gradually.

Examples:

Naming one feeling instead of shutting down

Asking for help instead of handling it alone

Expressing a need without apology

Staying present during discomfort

“Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted…” — Ephesians 4:32 (KJV)

Tenderheartedness is practiced, not automatic.

Illustration – Ice Melting

Ice does not shatter when heat is applied—it melts slowly.

God applies His warmth gently, over time.

Step 4: Allow God’s Covering Through Safe Relationships

“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” — Galatians 6:2 (KJV)

Isolation keeps hearts hard. Connection—safe, godly, consistent—softens them.

God often heals hearts through people, not apart from them.

VI. APPLICATION TO ALL RELATIONSHIPS

Though this study is geared toward wives, a hardened heart affects:

Friendships

Church relationships

Parenting

Relationship with God

“Today if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts.” — Hebrews 3:15 (KJV)

Wherever God speaks, He invites response—not resistance.

VII. CLOSING ILLUSTRATION & CALL TO RESPONSE

Illustration – The Locked Garden

A garden with locked gates may be protected—but nothing new grows inside.

God is not asking wives to tear down every wall. He is asking them to unlock the gate for Him.

“Behold, I stand at the door, and knock.” — Revelation 3:20 (KJV)

A CALL TO ACTION

For Wives:

Ask God to soften what life hardened

Release the need to survive alone

Invite Him into one guarded place

Closing Prayer Focus:

“Lord, restore my tenderness without removing my wisdom. Heal what taught me to harden. Teach me how to trust again—first with You, then in covenant.”