Offended

Key Elements

In Ephesians 4:26-32, the Apostle Paul gave the believers in the church at Ephesus practical keys to breaking free from the pattern of offense calling them to deal with anger quickly, to refuse giving the devil a chance to bring division, and to follow the example of forgiveness set by our Heavenly Father through the giving of His Son Jesus Christ.

Main Idea: Because we have been forgiven in Christ, we are no longer bound to cycles of anger and offense but are free to live in grace-filled relationships.

I want my audience to break free from the pattern of offense in their lives and pursue grace-filled relationships.

Intro

We’ve all been there. Or maybe we’re currently residing there now. Someone says something that cuts deep. A friend betrays our trust. A family member dismisses our feelings. We see a passive-aggressive comment on social media. We get an email or a text that seems a little jaded. And suddenly, we feel it-our hearts begin to race, our blood pressure begins to rise, our ears might get a little hot. Why? Because we’re offended. And maybe we replay the conversation in our minds over and over again for days. Maybe we tell others about what happened. And the hurt and the offense we feel begins to fester into something bigger. We’re offended.

Offense is one of the most common-and most destructive-patterns in our relationships. And it rarely starts loud, in fact it usually starts as something small. It’s a comment that someone made that rubbed us the wrong way. It’s a decision that was made that we thought we should have been included in on. It’s a moment where we felt overlooked, misunderstood, and mistreated. And if we’re not careful, that moment of offense can become a mindset. The hurt that we feel from whatever happened can turn into bitterness and anger. And the bitterness and anger that has developed in our hearts and minds, if not dealt with, quietly can become a pattern that shapes how we see people, how we respond to conflict, and even how we approach life in general. It’s something that can affect every area of our lives.

Message

And this morning as we continue our Mind Games sermon series, the pattern of offense is what we are looking at-how small hurts become deep wounds, how temporary anger becomes permanent bitterness, and how the enemy, the devil, uses all of that in the mind games he plays with us to get us off track and destroy what God wants to build in us as individuals and in His church. But here’s the good news that we are going to see. That doesn’t have to be the pattern of our lives. Offended doesn’t have to be how we live.

Because here’s what the Apostle Paul does in Ephesians 4, he doesn’t just diagnose the problem, he also gives us the remedy. You see, because of what Jesus has done for us through His death and resurrection, we don’t have to stay trapped in the destructive cycle of being offended all the time, it is possible for us to live free from the pattern of offense in our lives.

So, here’s our main idea that we’re focused in on today: Because we have been forgiven in Christ, we are no longer bound to cycles of anger and offense but are free to live in grace-filled relationships.

Now, don’t hear me saying that’s easy. Don’t hear me saying that today, you and I are automatically going to just never be offended or angry again. Like everything we have talked about in the sermons up to this point, this is a process. It’s a process of transformation that God is taking us through and it is something that you and I are going to have to intentionally do daily. But it is possible. As we surrender our thoughts to God daily, moment by moment, and as we fill our minds with God’s Word daily, and He renews our minds, it will become easier and easier to not live offended at every little thing that happens to us in life.

So, how do we do this? How do we break free from the pattern of offense in our lives and pursue grace-filled relationships? Well this morning in Ephesians 4:26-27, 30-32, the Apostle Paul gives us three realities that help us break free from the pattern of offense pointing us to the path of freedom. Look at vs. 26, he says...

If we want to break free from the pattern of offense in our lives and live in grace-filled relationships, we have to realize that...

1. Offense begins when anger is allowed to linger. (vs. 26-27)

So, I want to point out something that will help us with the context of these verses. Paul is writing to Christ followers in Ephesus, not unbelievers. These are members of the church in Ephesus. These are people who have been saved by the grace of God and who call Jesus Savior and Lord. And yet, he warns them that even redeemed people can get stuck in cycles and patterns of anger and offense that rob them of their joy and bring division in the Church of Jesus Christ. And as the Apostle Paul writes to these believers in the church in Ephesus, he’s hitting on many problems and issues that arise in relationships, even relationships among followers of Jesus. And so, he gets right to it, he says in vs. 26, “Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” Now, we hear that and it kind of takes us back for a minute. Wait, what did he just say? It’s okay to be angry? That’s what he says but it must be the right kind of anger. I remember asking one of my sons one time when he was younger, “When is it okay to get angry?” And he said, “When you get mad and don’t cuss.” Yeah, kind of but not really.

Paul, from the very beginning is acknowledging something important: anger itself is not sinful. It’s what we do with our anger and how we deal with our anger that’s key. It’s true that there are things in this world that should make us angry as followers of Jesus. Injustice should anger us. Cruelty should anger us. Sin and the results of it should anger us. We see all throughout Scripture examples of when it’s okay for believers to get angry about things. David, in the Psalms, writes about how the actions of the wicked angered him. Jesus, in the Gospels, expressed anger over the attitudes and actions of the Jewish religious leaders so much so that he broke out a whip and turned over tables. The Apostle Paul himself was angry at situations that were going on among believers in the churches he started. So, anger itself isn’t sin. It’s how we deal with it, as followers of Jesus, where sin comes in. And that’s what Paul is saying to the believers in Ephesus and to us as well. He’s giving us a major key to not allowing anger to become sin in our lives as Christ followers and realizing this is key when it comes to the pattern of offense in our lives. Because offense begins in us when we allow anger to linger.

a. Anger becomes sin when left unaddressed.

Paul says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” Another way to put that is “Don’t let anger spend the night.” In other words, when we get angry about something, deal with it quickly. Because if we let it linger, if we don’t address it, offense settles in and that anger we feel, drifts into the territory of sin. You see, being offended actually feels good. The way our brains work when it comes to being offended is that they release chemicals in our brain that give us this feeling that we feed off of. And before long, offense for us becomes a natural way we live. We actually begin to look for ways we can be offended. And it starts with us leaving things we are angry about unaddressed in our lives and our relationships.

Paul tells the Ephesians and us when you get angry about something, don’t dwell on it. When someone offends us, and they will, don’t nurture that offense. When that small seed of anger and offense happens, don’t let that turn into bitterness. And this is not a suggestion, it’s a command. Because the Apostle Paul understands something about himself and all of us, that anger is like a living organism. If we feed it, it gets stronger. It grows into something that eventually will consume our lives. If we rehearse the offense over and over again, that’s feeding the offense. And the result of leaving anger and offense unaddressed in our hearts and minds is a hardened heart. And a hardened heart has far reaching consequences for us personally and spiritually and for the church of Jesus Christ. That’s the line between anger and sin. Anger becomes sin when left unaddressed. And...

b. Anger unresolved allows the enemy access.

Paul continues showing the spiritual danger of lingering anger and offense and he says in vs. 27, “and don’t give the devil an opportunity.”

How do we keep anger and offense from becoming sin in our hearts and lives? We deal with it quickly and if we don’t, we are opening up an opportunity for the enemy to do even greater damage. Paul is telling the believers in Ephesus and us as well, that lingering anger and offense leads to sin and an open door for the devil to wreak havoc in our lives and our churches. In other words, he can use our anger and offense to bring division in the Body of Christ.

You see, the devil hates you. And I think we dumb that truth down too much. We, for some reason, think he is this harmless little red dude that sits on our shoulder and whispers in our ears. But the truth is, he hates you and your family and he wants to destroy you. He hates the church and he wants to do anything he can to divide God’s people. And, this isn’t going to be encouraging, but if you’re a follower of Jesus, he hates you even more. And when he finds a spark of anger and offense in the heart of a follower of Jesus, he’s going to do everything he can to fan that flame and add gas to that fire of offense, to cause as much damage as he possibly can.

The picture that Paul is painting here is that of a half open door. When anger and offense is unresolved in the life of a follower of Jesus, it leaves the slightest crack giving the enemy access to cause problems. And that access finds its beginning in our minds and our thoughts. That’s where the enemy begins to infiltrate. And the reason he can is because unresolved anger and offense gives him space to influence how we think and how we respond to situations we are dealing with. When we harbor unresolved anger in our lives and we dwell on what’s offended us, we are giving the enemy space in our lives.

Offense begins when anger is allowed to linger.

A second reality that helps us break the pattern of offense is realizing...

2. Offense deepens when we lose sight of our identity in Christ. (vs. 30)

Identity is important for every human being on the planet. In this day and time, the discussion of identity and how people identify themselves is really at the forefront. And while that discussion can take some interesting and frankly, unique turns, identity for us can determine reputation, how people think about us, our self worth, and even whether we think we are valued. And the pattern of offense in our lives is somewhat tied to our identity as followers of Jesus as well. And it’s why, I believe, the Apostle Paul says what he says in vs. 30...

Essentially, Paul says, “Don’t forget who you are and most importantly, don’t forget WHOSE you are.” Don’t forget that as a follower of Jesus, much more is at stake here because the Holy Spirit of God lives inside of you. First and foremost you are a son or daughter of Almighty God and His Holy Spirit lives inside of you.

You see, when we allow anger and offense to linger in our hearts, it means we have lost sight of our identity in Christ and we have lost sight of our fellow Christ followers’ identity in Christ. And we have replaced it with something that we think is more important than that. We have become more concerned that we have been offended or that somebody did something to us or that we didn’t get the recognition we thought we deserved, we are more concerned with that than we are with being obedient to God’s Holy Spirit that lives inside of us. And when that happens in our life, what we see is that...

a. Anger unresolved dulls our sensitivity to the Holy Spirit of God.

Paul says, “and don’t grieve God’s Holy Spirit.” Literally, what he’s saying here is “don’t cause God’s Holy Spirit living inside of you as a follower of Jesus to feel deep sorrow.” So, what causes this to happen? Paul has already told us-it’s unresolved anger, holding on to offenses, all of the things he has mentioned in the previous verses are contrary to the Holy Spirit of God living inside of us. And when bitterness and anger and offense is allowed to sit in our hearts and lives, those things will dull our sensitivity to God’s Holy Spirit. Because in an environment of joy, the Holy Spirit works and moves; but in an the environment of an offended heart, the Holy Spirit is hindered.

You see, it is God’s desire for us to grow and deepen in our relationship with Him as we are transformed and become more and more like Jesus in the way we live and think. When we surrender our hearts and lives to Jesus as Savior and Lord, miraculously, His Holy Spirit comes to live inside our hearts to lead us and guide us how we should live. And the Bible says that the Holy Spirit produces evidence in us of the transformation that’s occurring in our lives. The evidence is a life that loves more, has joy in all circumstances, knows peace, shows kindness and goodness and lives under self control in all things. All of this is because of God’s Holy Spirit living inside of us. And when we choose to hang onto anger and offense in our lives, we are literally working against what God’s Holy Spirit is trying to do in us. And over time, the more that anger and offense sits in our hearts, the less sensitive we become to God’s Holy Spirit in us.

Anger unresolved dulls our sensitivity to the Holy Spirit of God and...

b. Dulled sensitivity to the Holy Spirit of God leads to worldly insecurity.

Paul goes on to say in vs. 30...

And this is where he reminds us of who we are and WHOSE we are. We are sealed by the Holy Spirit of God.

In the ancient world, a seal was a mark of ownership and security. Kings would seal official documents with their signet ring that was unique to them. That seal being placed on that document gave it a mark of importance and value.

Paul says as followers of Jesus, we are sealed by the Holy Spirit of God. When we place our faith and trust in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, God seals us with His Holy Spirit. We are His. That means we belong to Him, we are His treasured possession, we are secure in His love, and nothing can break that seal-not our sin, our past, our struggles, nothing. And this is so important for us to understand because the pattern of offense thrives on insecurity.

You see, dulled sensitivity to God’s Holy Spirit in us caused by unresolved anger and offense leads us to look to the patterns of the world for security. Think about it, being offended usually gives us a sense of identity. Here’s what I mean by that-when we become offended and that is the pattern of our lives, it connects us to others who live that way. It’s like we become connected to a community of all the other people who are offended. And that pattern becomes self-reinforcing and before long, we find ourselves naturally looking for things to be offended by.

As Pastor Kyle Idleman says, “it has a snowball effect. And as that snowball of offense rolls down the hill of life, it grows with more offenses and becomes an avalanche of destruction.”

That’s a pretty crazy way to think about it but it’s true. And Paul says that letting go of anger and offenses and not allowing it to linger, keeps us from grieving the Holy Spirit of God which keeps us sensitive to the Holy Spirit of God and leads us to find our identity not in worldly patterns but in who God says we are in Him. And when we remember our identity in Christ as followers of Jesus and we see that in other followers of Jesus, we obediently let anger go knowing that our worth and our identity is found in Jesus.

Offense deepens when we lose sight of our identity in Christ.

A final reality that helps us break the pattern of offense is realizing...

3. Breaking free from offense and anger is only possible by following God’s example of forgiveness. (vs. 31-32)

And this is the part of the message that I begin to cringe a little bit, no, a lot. Actually, this entire message stung a little bit. Because on our own, we are always going to live offended. On our own, we are always going to hang to what people have done to us and replay that over and over in our minds. It is only by following God’s example of forgiveness that we will ever be able to break free from offense and anger in our lives.

Now, you’re probably thinking what I have thought- “that’s a high standard, there’s no way I can reach that standard of forgiveness in my life.” Well, we actually can. It is possible for us to follow God’s example of forgiveness, but not in our own strength or power. We do it through the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of us. And it all starts with us constantly dwelling on the fact that God forgave us. You see, if we are constantly coming back to the depth of God’s kindness and forgiveness that has been shown to us, it makes us more apt to show that same forgiveness to others. And that is what makes breaking free from offense and anger possible. And, again, that’s not easy. It is so difficult at times. But it is possible. And Paul gives us two keys to making that happen...

a. First, we remove what feeds the pattern of offense in our lives.

Look at vs. 31...

So, in these words we see a progression-it starts with bitterness from allowing anger to linger (that’s internal); then it moves to anger and wrath (that’s emotional); then it progresses to shouting and slander (that’s verbal); and if it’s not removed, it becomes malice (that’s intentional harm). Now, you’re thinking like we all think “I’m not going to let it go that far. I would never do _______.” But Paul says this is what can happen, full blown in our lives, if we don’t forgive. He says “get rid of all of these things before it consumes you and takes you to a place where you never thought you’d end up.”

And doing this requires us being honest with ourselves. We have to identify these patterns in our own lives. Maybe we don’t yell at someone, or maybe we do, but we give them the silent treatment. Maybe we don’t openly slander someone and ruin their reputation, but we subtly make those passive-aggressive comments. Maybe we aren’t sitting at home plotting someone’s demise, but we do secretly get joy out of seeing bad things happen to people who have hurt us.

You see, if we want to break free from offense and anger in our lives, we have to, as followers of Jesus being transformed into the image of Jesus, remove what’s feeding the pattern of offense in our lives. We have to choose not to go down that road. And as we do, as we take our thoughts captive by the power of the Holy Spirit of God living inside of us, God begins to renew our minds to think differently.

We have to remove what feeds the pattern of offense in our lives, and...

b. We replace the old pattern with God’s pattern of forgiveness.

The Apostle Paul doesn’t just tell us what to stop doing, he also gives us what to replace it with. And this is a major turning point in our text today. Look at vs. 32...

And this is one of the most powerful verses on forgiveness found in Scripture. We don’t forgive others because they deserve it, we forgive them because Jesus has forgiven us. Pastor Tony Merida puts it pretty plain for us, “If Jesus can forgive us, then there is nothing for which we should not forgive another person.” Should there be consequences for people’s actions? Yes. But as people who have been forgiven by God, we should be forgiving people. We are taught all throughout the Bible that we should focus on how God forgave our infinite debt and as a result, be quick to forgive others when they sin against us. You see, not to forgive someone who has hurt us is to not correctly understand God’s forgiveness of us through His Son Jesus Christ. And this is where the Gospel of Jesus breaks the power of lingering anger and offense over our lives. Because it is difficult for us to maintain bitterness in our hearts and minds when we’re looking at the cross of Jesus Christ. For it is on the cross, through the sacrifice of His one and only Son, that God set the ultimate example of what it means to forgive someone.

Paul tells us to let the greatness of God’s forgiveness recalibrate our hearts so that we understand how much we have been forgiven and in turn forgive others. Is this easy? No. But is it possible? Absolutely. Because we have been forgiven by God through Jesus, we no longer have to be bound by a pattern of anger and offense, but we are free to live in grace-filled relationships with one another.

Closing

Questions to consider: (from Taking Every Thought Captive by Kyle Idleman)

1. Who are you currently holding an offense against in your life?

2. What might be going on in their life that you don’t know about?

3. What would it look like to pray for those who have offended you instead of rehearsing the offense?

4. What past hurt might be making you more sensitive than you have been in the past?

You see, we can stay trapped in the pattern of offense or we can choose, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to break free from it. Let’s choose today to not let anger and offense linger, to focus on our identity in Christ, and to follow God’s example of forgiveness.