One Flesh, Two Claims

Introduction

I

Whose on the throne in your relationships with others?

There’s an infinite possibilities but it usually boils down to two major possibilities: either you are own your own throne, or you recognize that Christ is truly on that throne. Either you have a puny attempt to usurp Christ’s rule and live in misery or you recognize the one who is really on the throne and submit to him.

This was pretty much a decade ago. Emily and I were recently married. I was working at my first Chick-fil-A in north GA. I know I had already been struggling with anger at work. We had been at Chick-fil-A together for whatever reason and I was pulling out of the parking lot. Emily was getting on to me for how I was driving then she got on to me for the direction I was going.

I was fed up. I stopped the car, abruptly, slammed my fists on the stirring wheel and yelled, “I just want to do what I want to do!”

My reign had been threatened. My kingdom was crumbling. And I was ready to sacrifice anything to maintain my rule. And I did, I sacrificed our oneness. I sacrificed our mutual concern for one another. I hurt my wife to maintain my rule.

This is what happens when we place ourself on the throne of our relationships. Instead of bringing unity, we bring division. Instead of seeking the wellbeing of others, we only look our for ourselves.

Marriage is a life-long, no-matter-what covenant. “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.” And yet when we place ourselves on the throne it no longer becomes a no-matter-what covenant but a as-long-as-it’s-convenient relationship. When I’m on the throne it no longer what I can give, but what I can get.

The world believes that there is nothing sacred about marriage, and the world wants you to believe there is nothing sacred about marriage, and sadly, its working.

2025 Barna data: https://www.barna.com/trends/marriage-divorce-trends-2025/

The majority of American adults are not married. Younger Americans are postponing marriage longer than ever.

Unmarried Cohabitation is an accepted practice with 42% of practicing Christians now saying it’s “wise” to live with someone before marriage.

Marriage has become a way to prop up self on the throne of relationships, but that is not the way it has always been.

N

We like to be in control. We like to be satisfied. We like to get what we selfishly want. We like to rule our relationships. But when we do, it only leads to ruin and broken relationships. The only way to live whole is to have Christ on the throne.

T

Jesus addresses kingdom implications for how we relate to one another.

R

Matt. 19:1-12

O

Oneness (1-6), Selfless (7-9), and singleness (10-12)

Oneness

Matthew 19:1–6 ESV

1 Now when Jesus had finished these sayings, he went away from Galilee and entered the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. 2 And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. 3 And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” 4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Revelation

Verse 1 signals a transition for us. All of chapter 18 has been inwardly focused—how Jesus’s disciples should treat one another. We might call it the community guidelines for the people of God. In chapter 19, it transitions into striking and controversial teachings of Jesus. So we move from community guidelines to kingdom obligations. This section will challenge how we view everything and demand that we view it by the kingdom’s standard. It will challenge our view of marriage, material possessions, eternal rewards, and honor.

Today we want to ask: “Is my view of marriage more shaped by culture or by Jesus’s words?”

This is the topic that the Pharisees try to challenge Jesus on. They could be trying to simply get him to contradict the law of Moses. But they are also not too far in time and location from John’s beheading. John was killed for challenging Herod’s divorce. Perhaps the Pharisees are trying to get Jesus killed that way as well.

Regardless of their motivation, Pharisees believe that divorce is legal no matter what. At least as long as it was the man divorcing his wife. Notice the question they ask Jesus, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” Notice two things: first the one enacting the divorce is the husband; second, the reasoning is any cause. The Pharisees get this from Deuteronomy 24:1 “1 “When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house,” The key phrase that was debated during the time of Jesus was “he has found some indecency.” for the Pharisees, “some indecency” meant literally anything. As one commentator notes:

Matthew Exegesis

The Mishnah permitted divorce if the wife had certain physical defects that made her unattractive (poor posture, thinning hair, missing teeth, or knobby knees were among the grounds explicitly mentioned). Women who failed to perform a lengthy list of chores daily or did not offer sexual relations frequently enough (daily for the wife of a man who was home every evening) were also subject to divorce

Notice the glaring ramifications of this. If divorce is allowed for any reason, then marriage is just a matter of convenience—at least, just for the man in the first century. In this view, marriage is just a means for male gratification. The Pharisees have taken a legal code, what we would call “case law” in order to twist an entire institution. The law in Dt. is intended to prevent remarriage, not to redefine marriage. ** EXAMPLE?

Instead of addressing the Dt. text as the Pharisees hope, Jesus jumps to what the Scripture teaching about the nature of marriage. The nature of marriage for the Pharisees by implication of their view of divorce is simply a matter of convenience for the service of the husband. But Jesus goes to Genesis to argue that the nature of marriage is very different. look at his words and vv. 4-6.

Matthew 19:4–6 ESV

4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

One theological aside. Our culture is in chaos in regards to marriage. Our culture is trying with all its might to make marriage a matter of convenience based on sexual gratification and identity fulfillment. So, our culture tries to argue that Jesus never condemned homosexuality, transgenderism, polyamory, or other non-traditional understandings of marriage. If anyone ever tries to argue that, bring them right here to this verse. Here, Jesus defines what marriage is. So, by default, Jesus excludes every other possible definition of marriage.

Jesus gets at the heart of the nature of marriage. Notice marriage involves one male one female. They are made for one another. This is seen in v. 4, and in the end of v. 5 “the two shall become one flesh”

Jesus, quoting Genesis, contrasts the marriage relationship to the relationship between parent and child. A child is closely connected to his parents: he depends on them, lives to please them, and so on. But marriage in some way call him to leave that parent relationship. This does not mean for a man to forsake his parents, but that his main relationship, his main focus will no longer be his parents. Because now he will “hold fast” or “weld himself” or “be joined with” his wife. The word “hold fast” in v. 5 has to do with a permanent joining. The clear implication is that this is not a matter of convenience or self-gratification. Instead, it is an exclusive, permanent bond. In the pharisees’ extensive legal debate in Deuteronomy, they have completely missed their redefinition of marriage into a casual relationship of convenience.

The Gospel of Matthew 1. Marriage, Divorce and Celibacy (19:3–12)

In the Genesis context the “one flesh” image derives from the creation of the woman out of the man’s side to be “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (

And notice who, according to Jesus, is doing this uniting? God himself.

Matthew Exegesis

to separate a husband and wife through divorce was to seek to undo God’s own doing, to reverse God’s own action

Jesus is teaching the Pharisees that the nature of marriage is such that even issuing a divorce is an attempt to destroy what God created.

Relevance

There are two claims about marriage, about the very nature of marriage. The world says marriage is just a casual agreement where two people try to get and get as much satisfaction out of the other person, or else. When the satisfaction wanes, the agreement goes away either through divorce or avoidance, coldness, and ignoring issues. This is where each person is resolved to maintain a peice of paper without a care for the other person.

That’s not oneness, that’s not the ideal that Scripture—or Jesus himself—paints for marriage. Oneness involves physical, social, spiritual, and emotional unity that puts God at the center.

We must pursue oneness in our marriages. We must pursue oneness more than we pursue our appearance as a married couple in front of others, more than we pursue our own satisfaction, more than our own gratification, more than our convenience. It’s easy to grow complacent in marriage and just live life as business partners or parents or housekeepers. But don’t be satisfied with anything less than the oneness that Jesus describes in the verse. Why be satisfied with something less than God’s design?

And generally speaking, it’s easier for men to grow complacent and be satisfied with something less than oneness, and women to grow bitter and say nothing or be angrily reprimanded when they do say something. Men, take the first step. Ask your wife what you can do to pursue oneness better. Be ready to listen, without critique, without anger, without judgment. Be ready to take steps together to pursue oneness.

This is me for years. For years I allowed lies that I believe, shame that I held onto deeply to prevent true oneness with my wife. I had the Bible knowledge, I read the marriage books, I went to the marriage conferences, and yet I purposefully did not allow my wife into certain areas of my life because I believed the lie that if I did, she would utterly hate me. I believed I was worthless, and I believed that if someone else, anyone else really knew who I was they would come to see just how worthless I am too.

I say all this because I’m about to give some tools that have helped Emily and I further oneness in our marriage. But it does not matter how many tools, principles, or practices you know if you are unwilling to truly live them out from the heart.

Another caveat I would say: Only the Holy Spirit of God can bring true oneness, these tools can assist, but they cannot manufacture something the the Holy Spirit of God generates. Unbelievers can have unities around ideals, but only truly regenerate can have genuine oneness.

Prayer together. Regular prayer together is an essential tool for oneness. When we pray we often share what’s on our hearts. It builds oneness to know what your spouse would bring before the throne of God.

Study together. Read a book together, or share with each other what you read in your daily devotion. Read the Bible together. It builds oneness to know what your spouse does to process and please God. Emily and I share about our daily devotions with one another. We also listen to a podcast on marriage called Fierce Marriage.

Be open, be honest, be vulnerable, and be prepared to be forgiving. Don’t allow fear and shame to hold anything back.

Have fun with one another. Carve out time to spend together. Go on dates, go on retreats. (Fall retreat),

If you are married, I have printed out a questionnaire for you and your spouse to complete together. It’s in the table in the foyer. Grab one on your way out. Be prepared to answer honestly, discuss your answers. Pursue oneness at all costs. If you think it brings up too many soar spots, come talk to Emily and I. We are here for you. If you think it’s too close to home to talk to me, seek out a biblical counselor. Work through any issues that come up because all of it is worth it. Oneness at all costs.

Maybe you feel as though your marriage has been hollow and shallow for decades. There is nothing preventing you now from changing the trajectory of your marriage. God would command you, Christ would strengthen you, the Spirit would enable you to change the trajectory of your marriage. The past can be filled with so much pain, pain that is scary. The devil wants you to believe that pain hurts too much to be dealt with. Because the devil wants you divided. But God’s grace can be a balm for the most painful of wounds. Don’t wait, don’t hold back your pursuit of oneness, pursue it today at any cost.

American culture says to pursue your individual happiness at all cost. A lot of people sacrifice their spouse on the altar of their happiness. Jesus says to pursue oneness at all costs. But oneness will be thwarted when selfishness tries to get in the way.

Selfless

(Marriage is not self-serving)

Matthew 19:7–9 ESV

7 They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

Revelation

Since Jesus would not bring up the law in Deuteronomy 24 that the Pharisees wanted to debate, the Pharisees did it anyways. Notice the law is essentially, “If a divorce takes place, then these things must not be allowed afterwards. . .” The law says nothing good or bad about divorce nor does it say anything about marriage. However, the law does implicitly permit divorce on the grounds of “some indecency.” Yet, it seems the Pharisees twisted this law to suit their whims. Where Moses implies permission, the Pharisees saw a command.

Jesus says the permission was given because of the hardness of heart.

The Gospel of Matthew 1. Marriage, Divorce and Celibacy (19:3–12)

The Deuteronomic legislation is a response to human failure, an attempt to bring order to an already unideal situation caused by human “hardness of heart”

The pharisees ignore the fact that this law is designed to to respond to human failure, and simply want a legal allowance for their own desire for even more failure. And that’s really at the root of the issue. The Pharisees see marriage as self-serving. But Jesus says that such self-serving divorces.

The Pharisees want to use marriage and divorce to serve self, but Jesus teaches that the selfless, self-giving permanence of marriage pleases God and builds his kingdom.

Relevance

Our culture is not so male dominated as it was in Jesus’s day, but it still wants to teach the same thing about the nature of marriage: That it is a matter of convenience for the sake of self-gratification. Have you bought into that lie?

It’s easy to buy into that lie. I don’t have statistics on this, just anecdotal evidence, but to me, it seems that a lot of Christian marriages have bought into the lie that marriage means self-gratification. And what happens when self-gratification does not occur? Well, either divorce takes place, or we allow our Christian morals to prevent divorce and just lived trapped in a miserable state where you live your life and I live mine under the same roof.

When you live for what you can get out of your marriage, you will never get enough. But when you live for what you can give in your marriage, you will find a heart filled with joy and satisfaction in what God has so graciously given you. The Pharisees are focused on what they can get, but Jesus says to focus on the blessing of what you have.

Singleness

(the goal for marriage and singleness is furthering the kingdom)

Matthew 19:10–12 ESV

10 The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. 12 For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.”

Revelation

The disciples have seemingly drunk down their cultural waters concerning marriage. They too are shocked at Jesus’s teaching.

The Gospel of Matthew 1. Marriage, Divorce and Celibacy (19:3–12)

the disciples’ incredulous reaction that if marriage is as binding as Jesus says it would be better not to marry at all.

The disciples say that it would be better to live life single than to marry. Perhaps from their perspective, and especially from the Pharisee perspective, if life centers on selfishness, taking, and self-gratification, than singleness would be preferred to a permanent , no-matter-what, one flesh covenant.

But Jesus defends singleness too, but not from that expected standpoint. Jesus says singleness is an option. He does not, as you can see, argue that either marriage or singleness is preferred or more holy. But he does say singleness is an option. He grounds singleness in three ways: by birth, by external force, and by personal choice. However, Jesus does not say singleness is preferred in order to perpetuate self-serving self-gratification. No, instead, singleness can be used “for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.”

The Gospel of Matthew 1. Marriage, Divorce and Celibacy (19:3–12)

The whole pericope therefore constitutes a double challenge to conventional attitudes to marriage: on the one hand God intends marriage to remain unbroken, and the current acceptance of divorce is a surrender to human failure; on the other hand, for some people obedience to God’s will may properly mean that they do not marry at all.

The goal for marriage and singleness, whatever God has granted to you, is to further the kingdom.

Maybe you have remained single because you recognized God’s plan for you life. Use it to further his kingdom.

Maybe you did not plan on remaining single, but that’s how life worked out. It’s okay to mourn that loss. The pain of that loss may not go away. But don’t allow that pain to cause you to remain stagnant. Bring that pain to God, then take the next step forward.

Maybe you are single now because you are a widow or widower. Maybe you’re single now because a previous pain or hardship led to a divorce. The situations are numerous. No matter the situation, it’s okay, in fact, I would encourage you to mourn. Read a Psalm of lament. Bring your pain to God. But don’t allow every part of your life to be filled with lamentation. Use what God has given you now “for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.”

Relevance

The law recognizes that marital statuses can be complex. Married, divorced, remarried, single, widowed, separated, estranged, etc. The church’s moral pressure, and cultural pressure stigmatizes certain marital statuses. Your own hopes and dreams may have stigmatized your own status. But being in Christ means that your number one status is not “married,” “divorced,” etc. No, your number one status is “for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.”

Application

And that’s really the application. No matter our marital status, or nonmarital status, we can still use our relationships to build our kingdoms. But Jesus says it’s not for the sake of the kingdom of self, but for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.

So here are three things you can do today in light of this text.

Identify - surrender- replace

Identify an area in a relationship that you use to build your own kingdom. Perhaps your married and you have set and unsaid expectation on your spouse to be happy. Perhaps you got so fed up with your spouse that you said, “I just want to do what I want to do.” Maybe your wife got in the way of your hobby and you whined and groaned, “Don’t you know it’s hunting season?” Maybe your husband didn’t do what you asked him to do for the 30th time so you nagged and nagged and perhaps replied, “You’re about to be hunting for a new wife.” Where do you see that “What can I get” attitude in your marriage?

Perhaps you’re not married. Maybe it’s caused you to grow bitter. You avoid being around married couples because it just brings up pain in your own life. You’d much rather be by yourself doing your own thing. And so your scorn God’s people, God’s flock to go off by yourself to build your own kingdom.

Whatever self-seeking, self-building tendency, identify it. Ask God to help you see just one.

Then surrender it. If possible identify the root. Is it pride? Greed? Lust? Whatever it may be, surrender that one thing to God.

Then replace it. Replace shame with gospel assurance. Replace fear of man with fear of God. Replace the “what can I get” attitude with the “what can I give” attitude. Replace the “how can I establish my rule” mindset with “how can I establish God’s rule”

And some status specific application, I’ll just break it down into two:

If you are married, pursue oneness at all costs. Grab that questionnaire on the way out.

If you are single, find a way to build Christ’s kingdom that would be impossible if you were married. Maybe it involves being more active in discipling your kids. Maybe it involves volunteering in a special way in the church or community. Whatever it is, as God to guide you.