Forgiveness
Notes
Transcript
Christian Counseling Notes 01/31/2026
Christian Counseling Notes 01/31/2026
What is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness involves our correct response to god concerning the offenses of others. Forgiveness is the canceling of the debt owed to us by another.
Biblical principles of Forgiveness.
Forgiveness involves five steps
Examine yourself for pride and wrongdoing
Forgive completely
Do not bring it up again to the offender
Do not tell others
Remember how many times God has forgiven us.
Forgiveness has a positive attitude towards the offenses rather than a negative attitude towards the offender.
Forgiveness is a command . (One of two sins that will not be forgiven)
14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: 15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
34 And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. 35 So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.
Forgiveness does not keep a count.
21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
Forgiveness views the offender as an instrument of God in my life.
5 Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life.
2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; 3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. 4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
Forgiveness relinquishes the right to “pay back” or “get even” and turns it over to God.
17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. 18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. 20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
6 Seeing it is a righteous thing with God to recompense tribulation to them that trouble you;
Forgiveness is not simply forgetting. There is a correct and proper way to deal with a problem.
15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.
Forgiveness does not require forgetting
Forgiveness requires that the offense never be mentioned again. It is through our experiences that we gain wisdom and insight.
Forgetting instead of forgiving trying to forget the past is emotionally unhealthy. This is denial, suppression, or repression.
Forgetting instead of forgiving forgetting is contrary to the scriptures and may be an indication of self-worthlessness or a lack of faith.
Forgetting instead of forgiving forgetting does not allow the offender to experience the joy of forgiveness and the chance to examine his heart and behavior to be free from his guilt.
Forgiveness is a choice , an act of your will.
It is a self sacrifice; it is a requirement.
Forgiveness is immediate; the process of healing takes time.
Forgiveness is not always reconciliation; that is up to the other person, as well. one should , however, seek reconciliation.
23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
4. Forgiveness extends kindness, but also allows one to learn and exercise wisdom in the future.
Biblical examples of Forgiveness
Esau forgives Jacob
4 And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him: and they wept.
11 Take, I pray thee, my blessing that is brought to thee; because God hath dealt graciously with me, and because I have enough. And he urged him, and he took it.
Joseph , his brethren
5 Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life. 6 For these two years hath the famine been in the land: and yet there are five years, in the which there shall neither be earing nor harvest. 7 And God sent me before you to preserve you a posterity in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance. 8 So now it was not you that sent me hither, but God: and he hath made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house, and a ruler throughout all the land of Egypt. 9 Haste ye, and go up to my father, and say unto him, Thus saith thy son Joseph, God hath made me lord of all Egypt: come down unto me, tarry not: 10 And thou shalt dwell in the land of Goshen, and thou shalt be near unto me, thou, and thy children, and thy children’s children, and thy flocks, and thy herds, and all that thou hast: 11 And there will I nourish thee; for yet there are five years of famine; lest thou, and thy household, and all that thou hast, come to poverty. 12 And, behold, your eyes see, and the eyes of my brother Benjamin, that it is my mouth that speaketh unto you. 13 And ye shall tell my father of all my glory in Egypt, and of all that ye have seen; and ye shall haste and bring down my father hither. 14 And he fell upon his brother Benjamin’s neck, and wept; and Benjamin wept upon his neck. 15 Moreover he kissed all his brethren, and wept upon them: and after that his brethren talked with him.
19 And Joseph said unto them, Fear not: for am I in the place of God? 20 But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. 21 Now therefore fear ye not: I will nourish you, and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spake kindly unto them.
Moses , the Israelites
1 And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses because of the Ethiopian woman whom he had married: for he had married an Ethiopian woman. 2 And they said, Hath the Lord indeed spoken only by Moses? hath he not spoken also by us? And the Lord heard it. 3 (Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.) 4 And the Lord spake suddenly unto Moses, and unto Aaron, and unto Miriam, Come out ye three unto the tabernacle of the congregation. And they three came out. 5 And the Lord came down in the pillar of the cloud, and stood in the door of the tabernacle, and called Aaron and Miriam: and they both came forth. 6 And he said, Hear now my words: If there be a prophet among you, I the Lord will make myself known unto him in a vision, and will speak unto him in a dream. 7 My servant Moses is not so, who is faithful in all mine house. 8 With him will I speak mouth to mouth, even apparently, and not in dark speeches; and the similitude of the Lord shall he behold: wherefore then were ye not afraid to speak against my servant Moses? 9 And the anger of the Lord was kindled against them; and he departed. 10 And the cloud departed from off the tabernacle; and, behold, Miriam became leprous, white as snow: and Aaron looked upon Miriam, and, behold, she was leprous. 11 And Aaron said unto Moses, Alas, my lord, I beseech thee, lay not the sin upon us, wherein we have done foolishly, and wherein we have sinned. 12 Let her not be as one dead, of whom the flesh is half consumed when he cometh out of his mother’s womb. 13 And Moses cried unto the Lord, saying, Heal her now, O God, I beseech thee.
David forgives Saul
10 Behold, this day thine eyes have seen how that the Lord had delivered thee to day into mine hand in the cave: and some bade me kill thee: but mine eye spared thee; and I said, I will not put forth mine hand against my lord; for he is the Lord’s anointed. 11 Moreover, my father, see, yea, see the skirt of thy robe in my hand: for in that I cut off the skirt of thy robe, and killed thee not, know thou and see that there is neither evil nor transgression in mine hand, and I have not sinned against thee; yet thou huntest my soul to take it. 12 The Lord judge between me and thee, and the Lord avenge me of thee: but mine hand shall not be upon thee.
9 And David said to Abishai, Destroy him not: for who can stretch forth his hand against the Lord’s anointed, and be guiltless?
23 The Lord render to every man his righteousness and his faithfulness: for the Lord delivered thee into my hand to day, but I would not stretch forth mine hand against the Lord’s anointed.
David forgives Shimei
9 Then said Abishai the son of Zeruiah unto the king, Why should this dead dog curse my lord the king? let me go over, I pray thee, and take off his head. 10 And the king said, What have I to do with you, ye sons of Zeruiah? so let him curse, because the Lord hath said unto him, Curse David. Who shall then say, Wherefore hast thou done so? 11 And David said to Abishai, and to all his servants, Behold, my son, which came forth of my bowels, seeketh my life: how much more now may this Benjamite do it? let him alone, and let him curse; for the Lord hath bidden him. 12 It may be that the Lord will look on mine affliction, and that the Lord will requite me good for his cursing this day. 13 And as David and his men went by the way, Shimei went along on the hill’s side over against him, and cursed as he went, and threw stones at him, and cast dust.
23 Therefore the king said unto Shimei, Thou shalt not die. And the king sware unto him.
Solomon forgives Adonijah
53 So king Solomon sent, and they brought him down from the altar. And he came and bowed himself to king Solomon: and Solomon said unto him, Go to thine house.
The prophet of Judah forgives Jeroboam
3 And he gave a sign the same day, saying, This is the sign which the Lord hath spoken; Behold, the altar shall be rent, and the ashes that are upon it shall be poured out. 4 And it came to pass, when king Jeroboam heard the saying of the man of God, which had cried against the altar in Beth-el, that he put forth his hand from the altar, saying, Lay hold on him. And his hand, which he put forth against him, dried up, so that he could not pull it in again to him. 5 The altar also was rent, and the ashes poured out from the altar, according to the sign which the man of God had given by the word of the Lord. 6 And the king answered and said unto the man of God, Intreat now the face of the Lord thy God, and pray for me, that my hand may be restored me again. And the man of God besought the Lord, and the king’s hand was restored him again, and became as it was before.
Jesus forgives his enemies
34 Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.
Examine a person’s attitude
Natural inclination
Concluding that those who hurt me are acting only by their own will, choice, decision, motivation, initiative, or authority.
Principle of Truth
Discerning that because I belong to God nothing can touch my life unless He first authorizes it - knowing it will be for my ultimate benefit.
Natural Inclination
Assuming that I have forgiven someone because I no longer have feelings of hurt.
Principle of Truth
Knowing that unforgiveness may be producing long-lasting effects even after the feelings of hurt have subsided.
Natural inclination
Believing that forgiveness has occured because a choice was made not to hold the offender accountable any longer.
Principle of Truth
Understanding that true forgiveness must involve beginning to discern God’s basic purposes for why He allowed an offense to be committed.
Natural inclination
Thinking that forgiveness involves forgetting.
Principle of Truth
Knowing that man does not usually have the ability to forget, but forgiveness involves learning to have the right kind of remembering.
Natural Inclination
Believing I have the right to hold every person accountable to me for what he has done to me.
Principle of Truth
Knowing that only God will hold a person accountable fully for every word, thought, and deed.
Natural Inclination
Thinking that forgiveness involves going to a person and telling him I forgive him.
Principle of Truth
A forgiving attitude before God must be established whether the offender repents or not, but forgiveness toward the offender may only be granted when the offender repents.
Natural Inclination
Believing that by getting hurt when someone violates my rights I will teach him a lesson so that he won’t do it again.
Principle of Truth
Wisdom is realizing that maintaining hurt feelings is God’s alarm system that I have not responded rightly to the situation and don’t have God’s perspective.
Consequences of Unforgiveness
Physical Consequences
Organic problems / health of the body
Sleep problems
Facial Reflections
Bone health
The life of the flesh is in the blood.
11 For the life of the flesh is in the blood: and I have given it to you upon the altar to make an atonement for your souls: for it is the blood that maketh an atonement for the soul.
But the “factory” for the blood is the marrow of our bones. The health of our bones, therefore, determine the health of our body. Bitterness has a direct and devastating effect upon our bones.
22 A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: But a broken spirit drieth the bones.
Spiritual Consequences
An inability to love God is the immediate result of resenting another person.
20 If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? 21 And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.
Doubts regarding our relationship with God commonly accompany resentment. This is quite natural since most of us have some time repeated the Lord’s prayer in which we pray,
12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
Major hindrances to the spiritual development of others may result when we refuse to refuse to forgive - especially if we claim to be in a right fellowship with God. Our attitudes of resentment will repel them from whatever it is that we are trying to convince them of.
Emotional Consequences
Depression and anxiety are two of the most significant consequences of refusing to forgive the people who wrong us. Refusing to obey God brings His hand of discipline upon His children.
Mental Consequences
Reasoning ability, concentration, and memory are all effected by maintaining hurt feelings.
Six Reasonings Conditions for Forgiveness
There are several conditions under which a person will forgive another. However, only one of them is Biblical and therefore complete.
Revengeful Forgiveness - I can forgive someone who wrongs me only if I can punish him/her to a similar degree.
Restitutional or Compensational Forgiveness - If I get back what was taken away from me, then I can forgive.
Guilt Based Forgiveness - If I start feeling guilty about withholding forgiveness, then I can forgive to relieve my shame.
Expectational Forgiveness - I forgive him because everybody else said to give him another chance.
Lawful Expectational Forgiveness - I forgive because my religion demands it.
Forgiveness as Social Harmony - I will forgive because it restores harmony. The fighting is just not worth it. Forgiveness decreases friction and outright conflict.
The correct reasoning condition
Forgiveness as Love - I forgive unconditionally because it promotes a true sense of love. Because I truly care for each person, a hurtful act on his/her part does not alter that sense of love. This type of forgiveness recognizes the bigger picture of a relationship and its investment value.
This type of forgiveness keeps open the possibility of reconciliation and closes the door on revenge and legalism. The forgiver is neither controlled nor tries to control because of the offense.
Steps in developing a spirit of forgiveness.
Ask God to forgive you for your lack of forgiveness
List those who have hurt you or deeply offended you and the offenses they have committed. List each specific offense. (the only motivation for doing this is to clarify the offense for the sake of forgiveness. This is not the time to blame or imply guilt towards the other person.)
Consciously and deliberately forgive this person before God. take each offense individually. More offenses will usually be remembered or occur and follow these same guidelines.
By faith, thank God for the benefit He plans for each offense. Realize that you are not thanking God for the offenses, but for His good and overriding purposes in allowing them to take place.
List some specific ways you can do good to your offender . (Examples: pray for him, Be friendly toward him, praise his positive qualities, defend him to others, express appreciation to him, remove any pressure from him.
Attributes of forgiveness
Forgiveness is progressive, not immediate
Understanding forgiveness aids in extending forgiveness
Forgiveness is not always constant or stable
There are levels to forgiveness
Forgiveness is developmental as understanding increases
Forgiveness focuses on people , not things
Forgiveness is based upon objective wrong
Forgiveness is based upon several factors
The expression of forgiveness can vary
Who is the offender and who is offended may often be unclear
How forgiveness is offered and received is based upon perception of both parties
Areas of concern
The natural inclinations can block forgiveness
Forgiveness must be a voluntary choice - outside pressure can hinder
The offenders attitude can hinder forgiveness and can cause a relapse
Some offenders will use forgiveness as a manipulation
Other significant people may oppose the idea of forgiveness
People often misunderstand what forgiveness is and is not.
Forgiveness is initially expressed by chosen behavior contrary to existing thoughts and feelings.
