Relationships
Notes
Transcript
Christian Counseling Notes
Christian Counseling Notes
Relationships
Biblical Principles
The foundation of relationships is built upon the concept of Love. Legalism will never fulfill what Love will fulfill.
37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. 40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
If you do not love others, you do not love God.
20 If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? 21 And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.
If you do not forgive others, God will not forgive you.
14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: 15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
God’s Word tells us what our attitude toward others is supposed to be.
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
Our obedience to His commandments show our love for Him.
3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous. 4 For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith.
Do not judge others by your own standards, but judge according to Biblical principles. As you judge, that is how you will be judged.
24 Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.
1 Judge not, that ye be not judged. 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
37 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:
Reconcile yourself with others before offering prayers to God.
23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
Do not have an attitude of superiority
22 Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary: 23 And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness. 24 For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked: 25 That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. 26 And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it. 27 Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular.
Eliminate divisions and work to achieve unity
10 Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment.
You can forgive others
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
Follow the Golden Rule
12 Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.
You can love even your enemies
43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? 47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? 48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
Remove things in your life you know to be a stumbling block to others
13 Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother’s way.
Forgiveness is based upon your deliberate intention, not your feelings
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. 9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. 14 And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. 15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. 17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. 18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. 20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. 21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. 22 Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God: 23 And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; 24 Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ. 25 But he that doeth wrong shall receive for the wrong which he hath done: and there is no respect of persons.
Practice kindness
14 Do all things without murmurings and disputings: 15 That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world; 16 Holding forth the word of life; that I may rejoice in the day of Christ, that I have not run in vain, neither laboured in vain.
6 Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.
Confess your sins to the Lord and to those you have wronged
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
Examine yourself before attempting to correct others
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.
Actively seek reconciliation with others
23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
Gossip
Definition - casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.
Gossip means informal talk, often unsubstantiated, about other people’s private lives, affairs, or reputation.
In the Bible, gossip is portrayed as sinful, harmful speech, often involving revealing secrets or spreading negative, unconfirmed information with malicious intent, causing division and damaging reputations, and is linked to deceit and maliciousness.
1 Thou shalt not raise a false report: put not thine hand with the wicked to be an unrighteous witness.
3 He that backbiteth not with his tongue, Nor doeth evil to his neighbour, Nor taketh up a reproach against his neighbour.
13 A talebearer revealeth secrets: But he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter.
19 He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: Therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips.
28 They are all grievous revolters, walking with slanders: they are brass and iron; they are all corrupters.
4 Take ye heed every one of his neighbour, And trust ye not in any brother: For every brother will utterly supplant, And every neighbour will walk with slanders.
9 In thee are men that carry tales to shed blood: and in thee they eat upon the mountains: in the midst of thee they commit lewdness.
11 Even so must their wives be grave, not slanderers, sober, faithful in all things.
3 Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,
3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
1 Wherefore laying aside all malice, and all guile, and hypocrisies, and envies, and all evil speakings,
16 Types of Relationships
Parent-child relationship
One partner is caring for the other, providing advice and watches the other. The other partner is needy for love and care and may feel or act regressed.
2. Doctor - patient relationship
One partner is weak , either physically, psychologically, or both, and expresses the need to be nursed. The other partner acts like a doctor, nursing and providing emotional, psychological or medical care assuming it is a way of love. (This is very appropriate in Christian Counseling, but not in close friendship or marriage.)
3. Domineering - compliant relationship
It may be surprising to you to know that most domineering partners are women. In this relationship type one partner is domineering either because of fear, cultural abuse, or other reasons. The other person becomes, “Yes Mam” or “Yes Sir” person with the assumption that this is a way of love.
4. Abuse- victim relationship
In this relationship one partner is showing a consistent abusive pattern. Abuse may be emotional and verbal using demeaning and critical and rejecting words most of the time, or may be physical or sexually demeaning abuse. The other partner becomes bound emotional to the abusive cycle and finds it impossible to leave the relationship. An abusive cycle is self maintained through a sweet honeymoon period, self doubt period and then actual abuse period.
5. Dysfunctional (over dependent) - Enabler ( co-dependent) relationship
In this relationship one person expresses over caring qualities due to guilt or exaggerated compassion. The other partner becomes dysfunctional and enjoys the enabling character and extreme care of the other. The caring partner is acting like a permissive mother who always hopes that someday the other person will become responsible. This is a co-dependency pattern.
6. Aggressive - passive relationship
The relationship is characterized by a consistent or alternating aggression from one partner and a passive aggressive position of the other partner. A passive aggressive behavior is manifested by avoiding the real problem and by feeling guilty or shameful or becoming self-destructive. There is a major deficit in communication and possibly a repetition of old familial conflicting patterns of communication from the families of origin. This relationship may alternate as each of the couple play the aggressive passive roles to maintain the status quo.
7. Aggressive-resistant relationship
This type of relationship is characterized aggression, conflict, sabotage, constant arguments, fighting and yelling. The environment could be described as volatile, high temper, loud, and definitely not peaceful. The couple is not addressing real issues but rather they are destroying each other and wasting their energy.
8. Superficial - social mask relationship
Each partner is putting on a decent and nice mask. They are not in touch with their feelings , or they may not be aware of their feelings. They may have developed this pattern due to fear of the reaction of the other partner to their feelings, or due to the pattern from their family of origin or dissociation due to a trauma, or other factors.
9. Terminal relationship
This type of relationship is described as lethal because it does not allow any personal identity or existence outside the relationship. This relationship is characterized by a complete and total agreement in every aspect, idea, and decision. These are total enmeshed emotional and identity boundaries.
10. Coalition Relationship
This type of relationship may involve more than two people. It is characterized by alternating alliances with and against the partner. At times, one partner may shift alliance to parents or against parents for or against the other partner. This relationship may reflect poor boundaries and divided loyalty. Such a relationship can be extremely stressful and may cause misunderstanding and reaction against different family members.
11. Business Relationship
This relationship is based on give and take. A buyer and a seller. When the seller or the buyer stops selling or buying the relationship has no existence. Some women find the marriage is a good business relationship rather than a love relationship. Some men prefer to marry a girl-Friday rather than hire a secretary. This means they are looking for a partner who offers total, 24/7 devotion, support, and administrative efficiency, rather than a professional, contracted employee.
12. Closed System Relationship
This relationship has the appearance of intense love and care, but in reality it may be motivated by fear from everyone else or fear of abandonment or irrational jealousy. The partner who insists on keeping all system closed usually does this under the pretext of love. Such relationship adopts a rule that everyone outside is unsafe and dangerous and only the other partner is safe.
13. Romantic - fantasy Relationship
In this relationship, one partner , or usually both partners, are intensely engaging in an irrational idealistic all consuming romantic feeling. Such romance is characterized by unreal in expectations and hopes against all odds. While romance is important in marriage to keep healthy and active sexual relationships, romance is deceptive if it is the basis of relationship. Romance changes and subsides when faced with reality and time. This is called falling in love.
14. Rescue Relationship
In this relationship one partner saves and rescues the other. Such a heroic and generous feeling when met with appreciation turns to become a love relationship. The rescuer in this rescue relationship derives its power from the sense of being very important and needed to the other partner.
15. (healthy) Unconditional Love Relationship
This is a healthy type of relationship. It is characterized by a decision to love the other partner even if the other partner does not love back. It is an unselfish kind of love. It is healthy and characterizes a mature relationship. It is also the key in maintenance of marriages and what derives a father or mother to love their children unconditionally.
16. (healthy) Open System Relationship
The relationship allows interaction and sharing with friends and family. This is a healthy aspect as long as the relationship boundaries are clear to both partners. It can be unhealthy if one or both allow a priority to someone else.
