Resolving Conflict (2)
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Intro
By a show of hands, how many of you grew up with brothers and sisters in the house? Rollinson brothers … How many of you have difficult people in your workplace? John Wires…How many of you attend school? How many of you drive in traffic? Whether we are with family, at work, in school, or in traffic, at some time or another we are going to experience conflict.
It’s not a matter of if, but when conflict takes place.
It’s not a matter of if, but when conflict takes place.
To be alive is to experience conflict. People fight. Sometimes they fight a lot, sometimes they fight a little; sometimes constructively, sometimes destructively; sometimes fairly, sometimes unfairly. Your fight may end in handshakes or hugs; your fight may end in screaming; your fight may end in coldness and withdrawal but to be alive is to have conflict.
Some people try to pretend that conflict doesn’t exist. They try to convince themselves that if they ignore it, maybe the conflict will go away. Some people even throw God in the mix and tell themselves that a lack of conflict is automatically a sign of spiritual maturity. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. You may be married to someone who is passive and doesn’t like open conflict. The danger is that eventually that conflict will erupt or that person will become apathetic.
According to the FBI Every 24 seconds there is a violent crime. Every 48 seconds there is an aggravated assault. Every 23 minutes there is a murder.
According to the FBI Every 24 seconds there is a violent crime. Every 48 seconds there is an aggravated assault. Every 23 minutes there is a murder.
Domestic violence is the #1 cause of ER visits by women. Mismanaged angrer plays a role in almost every divorce. Parents who don’t learn to manage their anger wound their children and those children grow up and repeat the pattern. jobs are lost every day by adults who have anger problems.
Everyone has conflict because everyone has sin in their lives.
Everyone has conflict because everyone has sin in their lives.
1 What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you?
We live in a crazy world today and people may not be normal, but conflict certainly is. The Lord created us with passions and emotions that run deep and should be expressed but sin corrupts and contorts those feelings, which makes living in community oftentimes very difficult.
Consider how important the topic of community is in God’s eyes. Jesus commands people who follow Him to not slander someone else, carry a grudge against someone, or gossip about someone. That is not how God wants His church to be known. In fact, God wants His church to be known for our unity. John 17:23
23 I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me.
The test of true spirituality is not the absence of conflict because we will have conflict until the day we die.
The real test of maturity is how we handle conflict.
Max Lucado said,
Conflict is inevitable; combat is optional.
Conflict is inevitable; combat is optional.
So what should we do if we are going to have to deal with hurt feelings, disagreements, misunderstandings, anger, offense and conflict for the rest of our lives? One of the best things we can do is to look to God’s Word for advice because thankfully He has given us wisdom and laid some ground rules when it comes to managing conflict and finding resolution.
10 Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise.
We need to listen to the advice of scripture… So the question this morning is,
What’s the best way to handle conflict?
What’s the best way to handle conflict?
The best way to handle conflict is to determine the path of conflict.
The best way to handle conflict is to determine the path of conflict.
15 “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.
God has called us to live in community and in order to live in community, we need to understand that unaddressed and unresolved relational breakdowns cannot be acceptable. For so many people, if a disagreement takes place or someone’s feelings are hurt, the most common reaction is avoidance or the silent treatment.
I enjoy using humor to help diffuse conflict so if someone is giving me the silent treatment, I will ask them for a sweater. When they ask why, I say, “Because you just gave me the cold shoulder.” Yes, it is horribly cheesy but it does get the conversation going
When conflict takes place in your life, step 1 is to
Always ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and discernment.
Always ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and discernment.
5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.
We cannot read minds and don’t know what is in someone’s heart so it is imperative that we ask the Lord to help us. We need wisdom and discernment because . . .
Sometimes it is better to overlook the offense.
Sometimes it is better to overlook the offense.
4 Don’t answer the foolish arguments of fools, or you will become as foolish as they are.
There are times that saying anything or doing anything would be a waste of time or would do more harm than good. Confronting the bad driving habits of people in traffic would be an excellent example of this.
There is a story of a man in California with extreme road rage. He had followed a car for miles, speeding in and out of lanes, and was screaming at another driver in traffic but failed to realize that the lane he was in was about to veer to the right. He crashed straight in to the hazard water cans and was greeted by a chorus of celebrating car horns around her.
You don’t have to confront every offense that occurs because if you try to, you will spend the rest of your life running from conflict to conflict. Scripture tells us that love covers a multitude of sins which means that there will be times we love the person in spite of their actions. Sometimes it is better to overlook the offense and . . .
Sometimes it’s better to confront the offense.
Sometimes it’s better to confront the offense.
33 If you churn milk you get butter; if you pound on your nose, you get blood— and if you stay angry, you get in trouble.
There are also times when you should speak up because the issue is worth fighting for. We are going to talk about anger in just a few minutes but for now it is important to know that just staying angry at someone is not confronting the offense. Staying angry develops a grudge, holding a grudge creates bitterness, and bitterness is a poison that begins to eat you from the inside out. Staying angry is not an option; either resolve the conflict or ignore the offense.
3 Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.
So once you have determined whether or not to proceed forward with conflict resolution, the next step is to . . . (path)
The best way to handle conflict is to develop a plan for conflict.
The best way to handle conflict is to develop a plan for conflict.
Thankfully for us, we don’t have to guess at what to do next because Jesus Himself gave us a plan for conflict resolution.
15 “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.
Matthew chapter 18 is just a great chapter in Scripture. Chapter 18 starts out with Jesus’ disciples arguing about which one of them is the greatest and it ends with Jesus saying that God will forgive you the way you forgive your brother. Jesus knew that people are people and that conflict with one another is bound to take place.
It reminds me of a story of a man who was rescued from being stranded on a deserted island for four years. The ship’s captain saw the buildings on the island and asked what they were. The rescued man said that the first building was his home, where he took shelter, and the second building was his church, where he went for comfort and strength. “What about that third building?” the captain asked and the rescued man said, “Oh, well that’s where I used to go to church.”
Jesus knew that we would have conflict so He gave us some ground rules to follow.
Following Jesus’ plan for conflict means we are to go to the person.
Following Jesus’ plan for conflict means we are to go to the person.
Jesus tells us first to take ownership of the task of reconciliation. We are to take the first step and if we are completely honest, we don’t want to do that. We’d rather sit and stew about it. We may think to ourselves, “Let the other person come to me,” or “It’s not fair that I should have to be the one to take the first step.” Nevertheless, when Jesus says to love your neighbor as yourself, that means we are to take responsibility to set things right. If you did something wrong, you take the first step. If they did something wrong, you take the first step.
14 Starting a quarrel is like opening a floodgate, so stop before a dispute breaks out.
If the Holy Spirit has convicted you that this issue needs to be dealt with, then the longer you drag your feet in going to the person, the bigger the issue will become. Now, let me say a word of warning here.
When you do go to the person, make sure that you are not so angry that you cannot see straight. Trying to resolve conflict when you are extremely angry is like trying to . . . – it won’t do any good and you’ll probably make it worse. Anger is a signal that something needs your attention.
Think of anger like a smoke detector: it is very good to have. When it buzzes, it lets you know that something needs to be fixed. Maybe the problem is external and you need to put out the fire. Maybe the problem is internal and you fix the detector because the batteries are drained. Either way, it’s good to have the detector but it’s not good to have it constantly making noise.
Anger exists to let you know that something is wrong and move you to action.
Following Jesus’ plan for conflict means we are to go in private.
Following Jesus’ plan for conflict means we are to go in private.
You are to go directly to the person involved. Now, as a general rule, the person we are having a conflict with is the last person we want to go. We will do our best to avoid that person by showing up late, showing up early, leaving early, leaving late, walking different directions, avoiding eye contact, etc. Nevertheless, Jesus said to go to the person and address the issue . . .
15 “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.
Doing it this way makes sure that you don’t needlessly embarrass the other person or force them to respond in front of an audience. In other words, you are approaching them in the way that you would want to be approached if you were in their shoes.
Following Jesus’ plan for conflict means we go in private and discuss the problem.
Following Jesus’ plan for conflict means we go in private and discuss the problem.
This is especially important for those of us who do not like conflict. You are already uncomfortable, you tell the person you need to talk with them, you are finally meeting face to face, and you kind of mention the issue by addressing the problem indirectly and hope they make the connection themselves. Right when the moment comes, you get vague and fuzzy just when clarity is needed the most.
Resolving conflict does take hard work and after taking the time and trouble to set up a difficult conversation, don’t shrink back from saying the hardest but most important truth. This is often called saying “the last 10%”. When talking with someone, the last 10% is that last bit of information you want to say but hold back from saying because it’s awkward, you don’t want to hurt their feelings, or you know they will get upset by it. Unfortunately in conflict resolution, the hardest part is also the most important part.
15 Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.
Does that mean we’re to tell the truth all the time? Yes. Even if it makes the other person feel bad? Yes.
Suppose you went to a doctor and you were diagnosed with an illness. Do you want the truth or do you want the doctor to lie to you to make you feel better?
Honesty is always the best policy; it may not always be convenient but it is always right.
So if you were trying to resolve a conflict you were having with a friend, the general framework of the “the last 10% is:
Describe clearly what you observed.
Describe clearly what you observed.
You do most of the talking and you don’t really listen to me…
Explain how it hurt you.
Explain how it hurt you.
It makes me think that you don’t think my opinion is important.
Tell what the consequences have been.
Tell what the consequences have been.
This makes talking to you uncomfortable and I don’t want that.
Ask for the change you would like.
Ask for the change you would like.
I’d like for us to be able to connect again.
Keep in mind, this does not mean that you have to chase down every little thing that bothers you. This also does not mean that you have to report every little observation that you make. If you do that, no one is going to want to be around you because no one likes having their faults pointing out all the time. What this does mean is that when you go to the person in private and discuss the problem, you need to be very clear and speak the truth in love.
The best way to handle conflict is to discover the purpose of the conflict.
The best way to handle conflict is to discover the purpose of the conflict.
The goal in conflict situations is not to win or to score points – it’s reconciliation.
It has been said that a woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. –
That reminds me a story of a man and wife who were arguing so the husband tried to make the peace. He said, “Why don’t you meet me halfway?” His wife answered, “Okay, I’ll admit that you’re wrong if you’ll admit that I’m right.” – My wife says that I have every right to be wrong.
We have to be careful here because we can win the argument but lose the relationship. In conflict resolution, you are not trying to win the argument; you are trying to resolve the matter and restore the relationship.
Resolve the matter
Resolve the matter
1 Better a dry crust eaten in peace than a house filled with feasting—and conflict.
Whatever the issue is that is causing the conflict, you are looking to address it.
It reminds me of a story of a lady who was pulled over for speeding. The officer asked for her license and she said she had no license, that she had stolen the car, and that there was a gun in the glove box and a dead body in the trunk of the car. The officer quickly radioed the situation in and called for backup.
When his captain arrived, the captain approached the woman and said, “Ma’am, is it true that you do not have a license?” She said, “Yes I do sir, it’s right here,” and handed him her license. The captain then said, “Whose car is this?” The woman said, “It’s mine; here’s the registration.” The captain then said, “May I check your glove box and trunk?” The woman said “Of course,” but the captain found both to be empty. The captain scratched his head and said, “I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you didn’t have a license, the car was stolen, you had a gun in the glove box and a dead body in the trunk.”
The lady said, “My goodness! I’ll bet you that liar said that I was speeding too.”
That lady found a way to address the situation she was in.
When you take these steps of conflict resolution, sometimes the problem will be corrected, sometimes everyone will agree to disagree, and sometimes the situation gets worse. This is the point where you …
16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses.
The goal is to restore and not embarrass, so take a couple of people with you and describe what happened… how it hurt you… what the consequences have been and what kid of change you want to see.
If they accept that…
Restore the relationship.
Restore the relationship.
15 “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.
If they listen, you restore the relationship. The prodigal son is an example of restore relationship. CS Lewis said…
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”
That sometimes includes a gentle reminder in private.
17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.
If a person will not turn from their sinful ways, then we should not have them in our inner circle. If the relationship can’t be restored, don’t hang out with them.
But if it can’t be restored, treat them as if they are not saved… which means that we need to share the Gospel with them.
Prayer time
