Wives and Husbands
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As We begin today...I just want to start by reading this passage. Ok? Now...what I want you to do is this...you’ll hear words that will cause you to think certain things. But what I want you to focus on is this. What if my understanding of these words is not what Paul intended? What if my history with this passage has not been in line with what Paul was getting at?
Wives and Husbands
Ephesians 5:21–33 “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
Introduction
Some passages feel heavy before we even read them, and Ephesians 5:22–33 is one of them. In a room like ours, people carry all kinds of stories—good marriages, hard marriages, broken marriages, no marriage at all. Some have been hurt by how this passage was used. Some have never heard it taught well.
Paul didn’t write these words to divide the room or shame anyone. He wrote them to a church full of real people trying to follow Jesus in a world that didn’t make it easy. And before he ever talks about wives and husbands, he spends five chapters telling them who God is, who they are in Christ, and what it means to be a Spirit‑filled community. That’s the foundation we need before we step into the details.
The only way to understand what Paul says about marriage is to remember what he’s already said about God, about us, and about the kind of community the Spirit is forming. So we start where Paul starts.
I. The Macro Story of Ephesians: The Flow That Shapes the Household Code
Before he ever talks about relationships, he talks about God’s plan—a plan bigger than our homes, our culture, or our expectations. Everything in Ephesians flows from this vision of God bringing all things together under Christ.
Paul reminds the church that they’ve been rescued, forgiven, and brought into a new family. This isn’t about earning a place—it’s about receiving a new identity.
Paul says God is forming something brand new: a people who live differently because they are different: Jesus used the words “born again”.
This new humanity becomes the model for every relationship.
Paul describes a way of life shaped by the Spirit—one that stands out in a world shaped by self‑interest.
Mutual submission. People looking to the interest of others before themselves. Love God, Love People. Love God with everything you have...Love others as yourself. This is Paul’s foundation for where he goes next.
II. The Historical World Paul Is Writing Into — and the People He Is Actually Addressing
A. Paul is addressing the church, not the culture
He’s speaking to people who have been changed by Christ. In the body of Christ. These instructions only make sense for people who are being and empowered by the Spirit. By the Gospel...the good news Jesus brings.
B. The Greco‑Roman household code tradition
In Paul’s world, the husband was the authority. Philosophers taught it, culture expected it, and the law protected it. No one asked the wife what she thought. Into that world, Paul speaks a very different kind of word.
C. Women’s status in the first‑century world
• Limited rights
• Married young
• Kinda expected to adopt husband’s gods
• Rarely educated
• Reflects the distortion introduced in Genesis 3...The relational imbalance Paul sees around him is the same one God warned about in Genesis 3—relationships bent by sin toward domination and mistrust.
D. Marriage expectations in Roman culture
Roman marriage was rarely...or didn’t need to be built onn love or partnership. It was built on duty and hierarchy. Paul is about to turn that world upside down.
E. Paul does not appeal to cultural philosophers
Instead of quoting the thought leaders of his day (the Roman TicTok and Youtube influencers), Paul reaches back to God’s original design—before sin twisted relationships. He calls the church to live out Eden, not the culture of the world. Genesis 2
F. What makes Paul’s approach unusual
Paul’s approach would have shocked his world. He gives dignity to wives, talks right to them as valuable humans...(which everyone is in the church), responsibility to husbands (which would have been different for then), and places both under the lordship of Christ.
He’s pointing back to creation, original intent for a flourishing life, as the foundation for marriage. A husband/wife/children all under God and His direction for the best life possible ever.
III. The Cultural Misuse of This Passage
When this passage is pulled out of context, it becomes dangerous. It has been used to harm people, especially women. It has also been used, wrongly, by non-believers, to attempt to smear Jesus. It has happened.
One commentator warned: if your interpretation doesn’t look like Jesus, it’s not what Paul meant.
SLIDES
IV. The Controlling Command: Mutual Submission (5:21–22)
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
Pause slides....
• 5:21 is the heading
• 5:22 borrows its verb from 5:21 So it actually says...wives to your husbands… “as to the Lord” Meaning Christians are in Jesus.
Everything begins with mutual submission. Paul is saying, “This is what Spirit‑filled relationships look like.”
Not power. Not control. But a willingness to put the other person first because of Jesus.
this is Paul’s ideal...he’s saying..this is what this could look like...people who are filled by Jesus, loving each other.
V. Wives: A Spirit‑Led Posture of Submission (5:22–24)
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
So we have these words in here that cultures, for years have misinterpreted. Submit does not mean “have someone tell you to submit.” Head of the wife...does not mean “authority over.”
Submit is:
• Voluntary, relational, Christ‑centered...not hierarchal.
• “As to the Lord” is a posture....
• “support” — choosing to stand with
• “honor” — treating with value
• “lift up” — helping the other thrive
• “give room to” — making space for the other
• “work with” — partnering, not resisting
• “lean toward” — choosing unity over distance
• “respond with goodwill” — a willing, positive posture
• “show respect” — valuing the relationship
• “choose a humble posture” — not demanding your own way
• “put the relationship first” — prioritizing unity
• “offer yourself” — a willing, relational giving
• “be for him” — choosing his good, not his control
• Paul dignifies wives by addressing them directly
• Submission is not inferiority
• One expression of mutual submission - Remember what Paul has recently said about people in the church? Be for each other...unified in purpose...The body of Jesus on the planet.
And Head of the wife means this...., guys, you are not Jesus. But what does Paul say Jesus does for the bride/His church? Saves it. And in a minute he’ll explain how.
Remember, the last request Paul made, was for believers, disciples, to be filled with God’s Spirit....and then?...this is how relationship work best...with people who are filled with the spirit....and this is possible - yes- even in this world...for this world to see.
Paul isn’t telling wives to disappear or lose their voice. He’s inviting them to let their relationship with Jesus shape how they relate to their husbands.
In a world where wives were ignored, Paul speaks to them with dignity and respect. Encouraging them to...as they put other’s first...Love each other as yourself...this doesn’t go away in marriage...it actually is a great place to show this "Jesus kind of love” to the world.
Men in cultures for years have looked at this and said...Oh so I get to ask them to submit to me...NOPE...That’s not what it says. Gentlemen, Paul isn’t speaking to you yet. I mean it says...as to the Lord....right? Guys in the room, say this out-loud...I am not the Lord.
Ladies, love your husband ...lift him up...value him… Yes, you’re allowed to. And guess what ladies, this sets up an incredible mutual picture for the world to see. Submit to each other...that was the result of a spirit filled life...and Paul then says...”church, this is loving others as yourself looks like in marriage.”
I remember doing premarital counseling with a couple, and the bride told me she didn’t want this passage read at the wedding because she thought it was demeaning to women. So I read the whole thing out loud—including the part where Paul tells husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church, even to the point of dying for her. She turned to her fiancé and said, “Oh… yes, I want that in the wedding.”
VI. Husbands: A Christ‑Shaped Pattern of Sacrificial Love (5:25–30)
So Paul just called husbands the head...like Jesus...so now he’s going to explain what he means.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—
for we are members of his body.
• Paul gives husbands the longest section
• Christ’s love defines the husband’s part of the relationship
• He gave himself
• He sanctifies
• He nourishes
• He cherishes
• Pulls out this idea of authority.
• Countercultural in the Roman world
Paul doesn’t tell husbands to take charge—he tells them to take up a cross. Christlike love is self‑giving, protective, nourishing. In a world where husbands had all the power, Paul calls them to lay it down for the good of their wives.
Now Paul roots this in scripture...not in the experts of the day or the popular voices....
VII. Marriage Rooted in Creation (5:31)
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
Paul does something huge here. Paul makes a statement here that these aren’t his ideas. Again he doesn’t go to, that day’s influencers to make a statement about who or what defines marriage. He goes back to the beginning. To God’s statement about marriage. A man and a woman in a committed relationship, under Him...for an incredible life.
• Unity, loyalty, shared identity
• Covenant partnership
• Not hierarchy but togetherness...
Paul reaches back to Genesis 2 to remind the church of God’s original design. Marriage is about two becoming one—sharing life, loyalty, and identity. It’s not about one dominating the other. I never could be...if this is true.
Why could it never be about authority over someone else? Because God designed the relationship to be about oneness.
VIII. Marriage as a Gospel Mystery (5:32)
This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
This is true...its actually what he’s been talking about for about 2 plus chapters now in this letter. The relationship of marriage...but inside the relationship of Jesus and the church.
• Marriage reflects the gospel
Paul says marriage is a “mystery”—a picture of something bigger. When a husband loves like Christ in submission and a wife loves with respect and devotion, the world sees a glimpse of the gospel. It sees a picture of how people love God and each other.
IX. The Summary Command: Love and Respect (5:33)
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
• Husbands: love
• Wives: respect (and its not...it logically cannot be...you must respect me and my decisions...) The greek word here means value as God values. Which makes perfect sense with all of the other words he’s written so far.
• Expressions of mutual submission
This relationship reflects Jesus.
X. The Big Picture: Relationships Inside the New Humanity
Paul is contrasting two worlds: the world outside the church, shaped by power and self‑interest, and the world inside the church, shaped by the Spirit...filled with God’s spirit.
Marriage becomes a living parable of Christ’s love and the unity of the new humanity.
Paul isn’t reinforcing the old world—he’s revealing the new one.
A passage like this can stir up a lot inside us. Some of us hear it and think, “I wish my marriage had looked like that.” Some think, “I don’t know if I’ll ever have a marriage like that.” Some think, “I tried, and it didn’t work.” Some think, “I’ve lost the person I loved.” And some think, “I’m young… I’m not even close to this yet.”
Wherever you are, Paul’s words are not meant to weigh you down. They’re meant to lift your eyes...give you hope...give you something to strive for...remember this isn’t what you’re asking someone else to do.
Paul is asking wives to love like this. Husbands to love like this. ....Not tell the other person how to...
He’s giving us a picture of what relationships look like when Jesus is at the center and the Spirit is at work. He’s showing us how the new humanity lives
This passage is not about your past. It’s about who Jesus is making ...even remaking ...you to be.
His identity becomes yours.
If you’re married, this is an invitation to let Christ shape the way you love and serve each other.
If you’re single, this is a picture of the kind of relationships worth building and the kind of people worth becoming.
If you’re divorced or widowed, this is a reminder that your story is not over...and that you have incredible value.
If you’re young, this is a vision of what healthy, Christ‑centered relationships can look like long before you ever say “I do.”
If you feel like maybe you’ve failed, this is a reminder that grace restores what sin breaks. Jesus came to bring grace.
If you’ve succeeded, this is a call to keep growing in love and humility.
The Spirit is forming a new humanity—people who love like Christ, who serve like Christ, who forgive like Christ, who submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. And whether you’re married or not, you are part of that story.
So the invitation today is simple:
Let Jesus shape your relationships. You first...then the people you spend life with.
Let the Spirit soften...maybe rework your heart.
Let the gospel rewrite the way you see yourself and the people around you.
Because the world has enough relationships built on power, fear, and self‑protection.
But the church—this new humanity—gets to show a different way.
A way shaped by Christ.
A way filled with the Spirit.
A way that reflects the love of God in a world that desperately needs to see it.
