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Also because this topic is so big and so important I will be here after second service to discuss things.

Relationships and Intimacy - Marriage

We will begin a two week series on relationships. We will start with our marriages and then our friendships. These are two of our most important relationships on earth and God should not just at the center of these relationships they should revolve around Him.

We will start with marriages because the reality is that in marriage our spouse, their wellbeing, their fears, their concerns, their desires are ever before us. We can have a hard time obey and being intimate with the Lord if that relationship is out of balance. This is why Paul says,

1 Corinthians 7:32–35 CSB

I want you to be without concerns. The unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord. But the married man is concerned about the things of the world—how he may please his wife— and his interests are divided. The unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But the married woman is concerned about the things of the world—how she may please her husband. I am saying this for your own benefit, not to put a restraint on you, but to promote what is proper and so that you may be devoted to the Lord without distraction.

In marriage we are no longer ourselves but we also belong to another. We become one with that other person. My wife’s wellbeing is in my mind at all times. What does she need, is she happy, does she feel safe, does she feel fulfilled, and so on. These things are ever present.

We can only pursue the things of God to the degree that our spouse is secure because their wellbeing is part of our calling.

You might not like that, You might not want that, You might fight against that, but in the end it does not matter. If you feel called to do something and your spouse hates the idea or feels abandoned by you in your pursuit of that thing then something will ultimately break.

Sure you can run off and do that thing but what will the cost be. Instead we are to become one and work together towards that goal.

It is not I but we in marriage, and along with my desires, thoughts, and feelings we merge together to move towards common goals.

The Bible talks about this way,

Genesis 2:24 CSB

This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.

and Jesus reiterate this idea,

Matthew 19:5 CSB

and he also said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’

We become one with Christ in our union with Him in salvation and in marriage we become one with our spouse. This is why in the church we often talk about marriage as a three folded cord. We do not lose something we gain something.

Marriage is the most intimate relationship we can imagine. This is why I believe God uses it as an example of the covenant with His people.

The three become one and this is right, proper, and beautiful. Now just because we become one in marriage it does not mean we do not have to work at deepening and building the intimacy we are supposed to share and that is what we want to focus on today.

What is Intimacy?

I am going to sum it up this way,

Intimacy is feeling close, known, safe, and connected.

We all desire to feel close, known, safe, and connected and this truer in marriage than any other area of life. We want to be seen. We want to know that we matter to someone. We want to feel wanted, as Cheap Trick sang,

I want you to want me I need you to need me I'd love you to love me I'm beggin' you to beg me

We want this and we want someone to want this towards us. Intimacy tells us that we are close, known, safe, and connected.

If you have true and deep intimacy in your marriage you can take on the world.

So how do we build intimacy, how do we deepen intimacy? Well truth be told there are a number of ways but I want to focus in on just three this morning.

Intimacy is built through time

It takes time to build intimacy and while there are some things that speed up the process and help deepen it the reality is that it takes time to know and become known. Shared life experience, learning preferences, understanding body language, and so on. What do they mean when they say late, or I’m hungry. What do they desire in their innermost being? Do they really like something or is just a preference and that could change. So much of intimacy is built through time.

You don’t start with a deep intimate marriage, you build it over time.

Time in a marriage is the hardener. It helps cement and bind you together. If you are struggling to build intimacy then give yourselves grace, mercy, love, and time.

The intimacy that is built through time cannot be rushed.

Intimacy is built through Sexual Faithfulness

Intimacy in built through sex. I want to say before we begin that if you carry some sort of pain in this area there is an invitation to healing, hope, and restoration in the name of Jesus Christ.

There are no two ways about it when you have sex with someone you become connected to that person. Sex builds intimacy through a very well understood physiological process.

When you are with someone some in this way interesting things happen in your body. Yes there are the things that happen we all know about but there is so much more.

There are parts of your brain that light up and parts that get quiet.

During sexual arousal, several brain systems light up:

1. Limbic system (emotion & bonding) These parts are tied to:

Desire

Emotional connection

Attachment

Pleasure

Hormones like dopamine (desire/reward) and oxytocin (the love hormone) increase. Oxytocin especially is why sex tends to deepen emotional connection — it’s literally a bonding chemical.

Sensory and reward pathways. The brain’s reward circuitry becomes highly active, reinforcing pleasure and drawing a person toward connection and closeness.

This helps us understand why sex is not just the physical we think about— it’s meaningful, powerful, and memorable.

Just as important as things lighting up during sex there are things that get quiet during sex

The prefrontal cortex quiets down. This is the part of the brain responsible for:

Self-monitoring

Inhibition

Caution

Over-analysis

Social fear (“What will they think of me?”)

When arousal increases, activity in this area decreases. That’s why people often:

Feel freer and less self-conscious

Are more emotionally open or vulnerable

Say or do things they normally filter

Experience a sense of “losing themselves” in the moment

You become known by another person in a way that is hard to describe because you have been completely open and seen by them.

I know this is not science class but we need to understand that when the Bible is talking about sex this is part of what it is. It is not just the physcial act but the internal things that are happening as well. It is just as much about the unseen as it is the seen.

Sex builds intimacy because it makes you seen by the other person at your core.

Sex in marriage builds trust and a connection that can be lasting.

This is literally two people becoming one flesh and this is why sex is not supposed to be casual.

Biblically speaking

1 Corinthians 7:2–5 CSB

But because sexual immorality is so common, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman should have sexual relations with her own husband. A husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. Do not deprive one another—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

To have sex is to know the other person and be known by them.

In Genesis 4:1 it says,

Genesis 4:1 ESV

Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, “I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord.”

The word knew is not there to be subtle or coy it is very intentional, the word is yāḏaʿ (yaw-dah').

It is used some 947 times in the Old Testament almost always in some way that means to know or understand or perceive.

In the context of marriage it is used to know someone in a way that unknown to others.

Sex makes you known to other person in a way that is so intimate that no one else should know you that way.

Now please hear me clearly, this is so important, if you have have had sex outside of marriage in any way there is no condemnation or shame for those in Christ. There is forgiveness. None of this is about condemnation many people have had issues here. If you failed at some time, you come to Jesus receive His forgiveness, repent, and move on.

But we cannot talk about what sex is and is supposed to be for if we cannot talk about it Biblically, honestly and open. The Bible talks about sex so much. We do not want to skip over any of the things the Bible talks about instead we always want to address them the way the Bible talks about them.

Sex is a gift to marriage

Sex also builds intimacy because it is a gift to marriage. It is not just for reproduction. Yes that is part of its natural use but it is a gift. It is a gift from God to build intimacy and that is why is it is reserved for marriage.

When you get married people often give you gifts. A microwave, a kitchen aid mixer, spoons, etc. This is other people’s way of saying we see your union and we want to bless you with what you need to enjoy your marriage. God gives a gift too. He says I give you the gift of sex to build intimacy and to know and be known.

So go enjoy the gift God gave you. Sex is talked about in the Bible and celebrated as something beautiful and wonderful between a husband and a wife.

Sex is for Marriage

This is why sex is reserved for marriage. Why do we tell people to wait for marriage to have sex, this is why, yes the Bible says so, but this is why God says wait. It is because in the act you are emotionally, relationally, and spiritually bonded to another person. This is the design.

This is why we talk about sex being reserved for marriage. It is a husband and a wife becoming one and joining in something that binds them. It is deeply intimate and reserved for the marriage covenant.

Sex and sexual faithfulness in the context of a marriage covenant will make you feel close, known, safe, and connected.

Now we have to look at the reality of life and know that sometimes this union is not always possible.

1 Corinthians 7:5 CSB

Do not deprive one another—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

It can be for a time of prayer and fasting when we are focused in on God together. It can be because of illness, mental fatigue, emotional things going on, and other things. Sometimes it is just not possible and that is ok. Don’t make your spouse feel bad for not being able to be together in this way. Sex is not a weapon to be used against another person either in withholding or holding it over someone’s head.

If your spouse does not want to have sex then that is something that should give you pause and make you stop and examine things. If they do not want to be intimate in that way, the reason or reasons need to be explored in love, honesty, and truth. There is usually something important going on here and that leads us to the next point.

Intimacy is built through Shared Suffering

If we are talking about intimacy then we also need to look at the reality that Intimacy is built through shared suffering. In shared suffering we bond in deep and powerful ways. Just like with the physcial connection we just mentioned there is a deep neurological connection that is made. Your brain remembers that when that thing happened you were not alone. This is by design. When we share suffering, we become bonded, and we become different because of it.

Galatians 6:2 NLT

Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.

This is such an important disclaimer about shared suffering. Shared suffering bonds you with people so be careful with whom share suffering with. We will talk about this more next week when we talk about friends but for a marriage relationship your most trusted partner, your spouse, needs to share in your suffering even if they are not directly affected by it. They need to be invited in to your suffering.

Spouses if you are not suffering directly then make every effort to enter that suffering with your husband or wife.

It should not be their problem but our problem. You might not be able to fix it or change but you can and should sit with them in it. Do not let someone else share the burden you are meant to carry for with them.

Again, I if you have failed in this area. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Receive the forgiveness He offers, change, and move on.

If you share in suffering with your spouse you become an unstoppable force for God. The enemy knows this and he wants to divide you in suffering. So know this and then press into the suffering together.

The loss of a job, a child, a parent, a dream, a hope, whatever it might be. When you experience loss in some way together you become more. Your oneness grows because no one else knows what it was like to walk through that thing. Yes others might have experienced something similar and we can find support in that but only you with your specific personality and life experience went through that exact thing.

Sharing in suffering with your spouse means you now have shared life experience and this builds intimacy!

God Wants Healthy Intimate Marriages

When we understand that God wants us to have strong healthy marriages it should change the way we interact with each other. Your spouse is who you should press into things with the most. Some quick examples of how we do this.

No secrets

Your spouse should never be the last to know

Intentionality

You need to be intentional. You need to find ways to speak life into them that mean something to them.

Shared Dreams

Invite your spouse into your dreams and desires no matter how crazy and when they do this do not make light of it.

Make space

Make space for your spouse to share their dreams, desires, and hopes.

Honesty

Honesty in your marriage will build intimacy partly because to be honest is to be vulnerable.

Be Vulnerable

Make a space in your marriage for the other person to be vulnerable. Each time you do this the depth of intimacy grows.

Faith in Action: God designed marriage as a covenant union where intimacy is built through time, sexual faithfulness, and shared suffering — and when nurtured rightly, it reflects His covenant love.

I want to make space for prayer over marriages this morning. If you are married and you need prayer to increase, deepen, or restore intimacy in your marriage then we will have our prayer team up front. If you are part of the prayer ministry here at Journey and you are not in need of prayer great but if you see a need up here please come forward.

Communion