Honour Your Father and Mother
Notes
Transcript
[set poll live]
intro me - hello Crosspoint!
So we’re starting today with a quiz: who do you think said this, and when?
“Youth today love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority, no respect for older people, and talk nonsense when they should work … They contradict their parents, talk too much in company, guzzle their food, lay their legs on the table, and tyrannize their elders.”
[have a prize ready] I have a prize here, a real prize for the best answer, so onto your phones!
[slido] [interaction] [back to quote]
Socrates, 400BC - 400BC! This tension between older people and younger people, this frustration there can often be between youth and their parents, it’s not a new thing, right! So if you’re a child or a younger person here and you’re frustrated with your parents and those older than you - or if you’re an older person here and you’re struggling with the youth of today, or a parent struggling with children, it’s nothing new! Is that good to know? Perhaps! But will it ever be any different? Could it ever be any different?
What does God have to say about this? How does God want things to be? And, importantly, why does God want them that way?
Well, we’ve been on a journey through the Ten Commandments these last weeks, ten famous instructions God gives to his ancient people just after they are delivered from slavery in Egypt - ten commands to define them as His people. And these commands we’ve been describing as God’s path to life - because, though they are ancient, they’re still relevant to us here today - and they’re for our good.
We’ve arrived at the half-way point and this is where most people see a change in the direction of the commandments from vertical to horizontal. Let me explain: So far, we’ve had:
You shall have no other gods before me
You shall not make an idol
You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God
Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy
Most people see these four commands speaking about how we are to relate to God, the vertical dimension, see? But this is where things change: the next command turns to the horizontal dimension: how we are to relate to other people. Let’s read through those first four commandments and then hear the fifth that we’re going to explore together today. Come with me to Exodus chapter 20 and verse 1. And [Sam/Obi] is reading for us this morning. Exodus chapter 20 - that’s on page 77 and look for the big 20. Page 77 and look for the big 20.
And God spoke all these words: “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. “You shall have no other gods before me. “You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments. “You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name. “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
Now before we get into what this command meant for that ancient people, and what it means for us, I need you to be surprised and intrigued. Not just for the sake of it, but as we notice together a few things about that fifth command we just read.
First, it’s the middle of the pack - and in ancient Hebrew thought, that matters. Here, we’d emphasise things by putting them first - “of first importance”. Or by putting them last - “and in conclusion”. And that sometimes is the case in Hebrew too - but they often emphasise things by putting them in the centre - and by building matching “stairs” up and down both sides. And that’s exactly what you get here: We have commands about thought and the mind - no other gods, coveting - commands about words and speaking - not misuse the name, not give false testimony - and then commands about actions next in - sabbath day; stealing, adultery murder. And right in the middle, at that emphasised point, you get this fifth command: “honour your father and mother”.
But it’s also emphasised among all the horizontal commands that follow as the only positively framed one. “You shall not” - or “thou shalt not” in old-speak - is how all the others start. Prohibitions. But this one is not something prohibited, but something positively commanded. “You shall”. It’s the odd one out - so it’s emphasised.
And one more thing - it’s the only command with a promise attached. Later in the bible it’s described as “the first command with a promise” but it’s actually the only command with a promise. You get some explanation on some of the other commands, or some filling out of the detail - but this is the only one with a promise attached.
Three different ways this particular command is underlined, is emphasised, right? And Ezekiel 22 tells us it is breaking this command that ultimately led to the exile (Ezk 22:7,15). So it’s got to be important. But before you shrug your shoulders and think “well, fine”, take a moment and look at these six horizontal commands and tell me, if you were going to pick just one to emphasise, would it be this one? Seriously. honouring parents over adultery? honouring parents over murder? really? Now I’m a parent so obviously I’m deeply for this command! But how can it be more important than murder?
Do I have you surprised? intrigued? How come this could be so important? Why is it at the centre? Want to know? Well, you have to stick with me because we’re going to come back to that. First we need to get our heads around what it meant practically - and consider what it means for us today.
So what did it mean for God’s ancient people when they first heard it? What would you do if you wanted to honour someone? What would you say or think? The most literal sense of the word is “to make heavy” - to give weight or significance to. Very often in the bible we are told to honour God. And the opposite is dishonouring, treating with contempt, “making light of” someone. So in the most extreme case, cursing someone or striking them is dishonouring them.
But as this command gets worked out and clarified, there are two basic directions in which you see this honouring or dishonouring play out. First, there’s a respect and obedience side to it. So you honour someone, you honour a parent when you respect what they have to say, when you obey what they ask of you. Like we honour God when we pay attention to his words to us, and when we obey his commands for us.
Second there’s a gratefulness and care side to it. So you honour someone, you honour a parent when you are grateful to them for what they’ve given you - and of course, the one thing parents give to each child - which no-one else can give - is life. Like ‘em or not, your biological parents are the ones who gave you life in the first place. And again that works in a God-ward direction: we honour God when we are grateful to him for giving us spiritual life, eternal life.
And this gratefulness had a particular focus in that ancient setting on caring for parents, particularly as they age. No such thing as a pension or disability benefits back then - most people lived hand-to-mouth and if you became too old or too ill to work, you’d be utterly dependent on your children to provide for you. They were your pension - and that provision was a key part of how you honoured them - or dishonoured them if you refused to provide.
Honouring parents was pretty standard across the ancient world - so the Egyptian setting they’d most recently come from would have had basically the same expectation of obedience and care. The “Maxims of Ptahhotep”, a piece of Egyptian wisdom literature we have from around the same time calls obedience to one’s father the highest virtue, for example. And ancient Greeks though the same way: Pythagoras calls his followers to honour parents “first among all people”, second only to their gods.
There is a very clear equality of honour for both father and mother here which perhaps wasn’t quite as obvious in other cultures - the original language of this command really underlines that both the father and the mother are to be honoured. But honouring parents wasn’t a major departure from the way of the world around them.
So in a lot of ways, this fifth command, the first of these horizontal commands, the one that’s emphasised, isn’t particularly surprising, and doesn’t particularly call for a change of behaviour from God’s people - hopefully, probably, this was already their practice and pattern. That definitely makes the emphasis more intriguing, right?
But let’s trace this a bit further through the bible. As we’ve said throughout this series, Jesus doesn’t come to abolish this Law, to set it aside, but to “fulfil” it - to fill it out and help us see the depth of true meaning in it. So how does Jesus fill out this command for us?
First he models what it means to keep this command - both sides of it - he shows us how it’s done. So he’s the model of gratefulness and care, right to the end: even as he suffers on the cross and death approaches, he cares for his parents, entrusting them to one of his closest followers, John.
When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman, here is your son,” and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.
And he’s the model of respect and obedience, too. Think of Jesus’ first miracle in John’s gospel, and how, even though he is reluctant and tells her “my hour has not yet come,” still he is respectful and obedient, transforming water to wine so the family are not shamed.
On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.” “Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied. “My hour has not yet come.” His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.” … What Jesus did here in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs through which he revealed his glory; and his disciples believed in him.
Now if you know the story of Jesus, you might remember his visit to Jerusalem as child, and the story of how he remains behind as his family leaves, and their panic when he’s missing. Luke 2:41-51. After three days they find in him the in the temple, and they are absolutely feeling like he’s not respected them: “why have you treated us like this?” they ask. And you might be wondering the same thing too! But as Jesus explains, they should have known he was in his Father’s house, in God’s house - and then he proceeds to be obedient to his earthly parents.
Every year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the Festival of the Passover. When he was twelve years old, they went up to the festival, according to the custom. After the festival was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.” “Why were you searching for me?” he asked. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” But they did not understand what he was saying to them. Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.
That tension between honouring his earthly parents and his heavenly Father will show up a number of times through Jesus’ life. There’s that episode where he’s teaching, and his mother and brothers show up, coming to take charge of him because they think he’s out of his mind (Mk 3:20-21,31-34) - and it can read like he’s disowning them, disrespecting them in the way he responds. But it’s that same tension in play: tension between honouring his earthly family and his heavenly family in the nascent church.
And in his teaching, too, Jesus both upholds the command, and navigates that tension of ensuring ultimate honour still goes to God. So the Pharisees, Jewish religious teachers, have this tradition where people can opt out of caring for their parents if they give the money to the temple instead - and Jesus absolutely rejects that: Mk 7:9-13
And he continued, “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions! For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and mother,’ and, ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.’ But you say that if anyone declares that what might have been used to help their father or mother is Corban (that is, devoted to God)—then you no longer let them do anything for their father or mother. Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that.”
we never honour God by setting aside his commands - this is not the same tension. But as much as we are to honour our earthly parents, we are to honour our heavenly Father more, to honour Jesus more. Mt 10:37
“Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me.
And sometimes this can have a very sharp expression in Jesus’ teaching - so he say things like:
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.
That’s not him overturning the command, or commanding us to hate parents - that’s him limiting it, and showing how much more priority there must be for honouring, for gratefulness and obedience towards God. And, of course, Jesus’ honour and obedience towards God is perfect. Perhaps you’ll remember that great passage in Philippians 2 listing off the extent of Jesus’ obedience, and God’s glorious response to it.
Ok, so where are we? Jesus upholds and teaches both directions of that command, the respect/obedience side, and the grateful/caring side. But he also subordinates it to the far greater honour we owe our heavenly Father, how obedience to him must take priority. So what does it mean for us practically here today?
Well I think the first thing we have to do is to recognise relationships between parents and children are often complicated. All parents are imperfect - but plenty are much worse than that, and some are actively evil towards their children. Sadly I know there are people here with those kind of stories. Lots of parent/child relationships are distant, particularly once both are adults - and some are more decisively broken through abuse or desertion or rejection. And parent/child relationships can end all too soon with death, leaving things unresolvable in some ways. This is not an easy topic. But even these potentially huge difficulties do not cancel the command of God.
If you have a relationship like this, please don’t rush to conclusions about what this means for you, though. Talk about it. Talk about it with God in prayer. Talk about it with someone from our pastoral support team - they are here to help you and support you as you work to discern what God is calling you to do, and be, and as you try and live that out. You don’t have to do it alone. We’re all on a lifelong journey of becoming more like Jesus - and that journey often feels uphill. Email care@ or use the button in the app and let us walk with you through this.
With that said, the Bible absolutely teaches Christians are to care for and provide for their parents - and even their grandparents. 1 Tim 5:4-8
But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God … Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Of course this was written in a time where there was often no provision at all for those unable to work - and particularly for widows in that more patriarchal society. In our country, the state takes a measure of care of those unable to work and of the old - triple locked! Does that mean children or the wider family have no responsibility? I don’t think so - even when the relationship is difficult. But how do you practically meet that responsibility and uphold the command to honour parents? How much provision is enough? What counts as “cared for”? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer here - but if you’re tempted to just send them some money and think that’s you off the hook, I don’t think that’s the heart of it.
For myself, I don’t have a particularly close relationship with my parents. They live quite far away, and in a place I find it difficult to be in. I’ve been reflecting on what this means for me, and particularly thinking about how to cultivate gratefulness for them and the unique role they had in bringing me into life, and the years they looked after and provided for me. I think that’s a good foundation to try and grow more of this care I should have towards them. And I think I need to be more in touch with them - I don’t find that easy either.
That’s more of a concern for the oldies among us. For you youngies, the other side of the command does still stand, too. You are to respect and obey your parents. That’s exactly how the apostle Paul interprets this command of God for Christians in Eph 6:1-3
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
And yes, I totally get that “obey” is not easy. It’s not easy even when your parents are mostly nice, and they’re mostly asking you to do things you can see are good - good for you, even. Teenagers, put the phone down and go to sleep. It’s for your good. But I get it’s hard to actually do. There are hundreds of computer programmers working night and day to make that as hard as possible for you. Obedience is hard at the best of times.
And then there are all those times where it’s obedience when your parents are frazzled and irrational (“because I said so”), or just wrong, or worse, mean spirited and harsh. Does this command call you to obey then, too? The short answer is yes. Yes - but within limits. See, the very next verse (Eph 6:4) balances this call to obey with a command not to exasperate your children, or in Colossians 3:20-21 where Paul is on the same topic, not to embitter your children and discourage them - and we parents should pay a lot more attention to that.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
But even more importantly notice it is not just an unqualified “obey”, but “obey .. in the Lord”. This takes us back to what Jesus teaches and models, that this duty towards parents is subordinate to our duty towards God, it stacks up below our duty to honour him, to respect Him, obey Him and be grateful towards Him. Should you obey your parents or God? If it’s ever that clear cut, the answer is obvious: obey God.
Most of the time it’s more tricky than that, though. Beware using this God-first priority as a way to dishonour and disrespect parents - remember again the Pharisees’ spiritual sounding plan of giving money to the temple rather than providing for parents. Surely that was just a God-first priority call, right? Wrong. It was rejecting the command of God - that can’t be God-first. I think the right question is “must I dishonour my parents in order to honour God in this?” - because there may be a way to honour both, at least to some extent - and our temptation is to be quick to tell our parents “talk to the hand”.
Sometimes this goes the other way, though. In some culture there’s a very powerful respect for elders built deep into society and life - and then we really can find ourselves in danger of obeying parents and honour parents at the cost of disobeying and dishonouring God. You’ll probably know for yourself which side of this you are more likely to fall off of - but it’s worth knowing, like so many things in the Christian life, it’s easy to fall off both sides - and the challenge is finding that balance in the middle.
I expect you have lots of questions about this - go ahead and ask and we’ll spend some time trying to respond to them a little later in our programme - but it’s tricky so no promises we’ll be able answer everything. But I have to move on.
One of the things we’ve been seeing and saying again and again as we walk through these commands is they are God’s path to life, his good design; these commands are not to crush us or destroy us - they are for our good and they flow out of God’s love for us. So how does that work for this particular command? Lots of commentators make the point that those of you who are younger will one day be older, and perhaps you’ll find yourself in need of this same care that is commanded from those more able. And I think that is true, but that’s not the full goodness of this command. Other commentators point out how relationships between older and younger generations enrich both - and that is certainly true. That’s a clear way we can all be blessed through the keeping of this command.
See, this command starts with physical families in view - but it plainly extends beyond that into the spiritual family that is the church. Here, together we find spiritual children, spiritual parents. Perhaps you’ll remember Peter Grainger speaking about this from Psalm 127 earlier in the year? Well, the church is another place we should feel the force of this command to honour - and accept being honoured - in order to live in God’s blessing. Here is where we should respect and obey the spiritual generations ahead of us. Here is where we should be grateful for and care for the spiritual generations ahead of us. That’s why the care of widows beyond the family envelope was such a focus for the early church. That’s how the early leaders within the church were respected and obeyed - under the Lord, just like Scripture limits this command for physical parents.
But I think there’s something much bigger here. And if you remember where we began - noticing how underlined, how emphasised this command is; noticing how surprising it is that this would be the first and foremost horizontal command, over even murder - this is the best I’ve done at understanding why: this command ultimately comes back to how we relate to our heavenly Father. This isn’t just a horizontal command - about how we are to relate to one another. This is a vertical command, too - about how we are to relate to God.
So just as our parents brought each of us into life, God is the only one who brings us into life forever, in our salvation through Jesus. So we should have the most gratitude of all to God, and most deeply honour our heavenly Father as a result. And that practical care flowing out of gratefulness we are called to in our earthly families and our spiritual families, that’s what’s playing out in Israel’s physical sacrifices and offerings to God, and what is to play out in our living sacrifice as we offer our bodies to God and to his service - Rom 12:1
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.
And remember back into the story of the Exodus, God’s people leaving slavery in Egypt, that we were studying late last year, remember that final plague, the death of the firstborn? Well, look at what God says to Pharoah about it: Ex 4:22-23
Then say to Pharaoh, ‘This is what the Lord says: Israel is my firstborn son, and I told you, “Let my son go, so he may worship me.” But you refused to let him go; so I will kill your firstborn son.’ ”
Ancient Israel is repeatedly called God’s son - Malachi 1:6, Hosea 11:1 - his children - Deut 14:1 - even his sons and daughters - Is 43:6. And it is as his children that they are called to respect and obey Him as Father - Ex 19:5-6. In just the same way, God is the ultimate Father of His new and true people, the Church. That’s why Jesus can invite us to begin our prayers to him with “our Father”. And why we, too, are called to respect and obey him as Father. Because this is God’s path to life.
We’ve covered a lot of ground today. I want to finish with one last story - a story for us when we know we’ve failed to honour our heavenly Father, failed to gratefully worship Him with our lives after he brought us into life. A story for us when we know we’ve failed to respect Him, willingly obeying His commands given to us in love, given for our good. A story that shows us just what kind of Father He really is.
Jesus told them this story: “A man had two sons. The younger son told his father, ‘I want my share of your estate now before you die.’ So his father agreed to divide his wealth between his sons. “A few days later this younger son packed all his belongings and moved to a distant land, and there he wasted all his money in wild living. About the time his money ran out, a great famine swept over the land, and he began to starve. He persuaded a local farmer to hire him, and the man sent him into his fields to feed the pigs. The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything. “When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger! I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.” ’ “So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.’ “But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’
big idea: honour your father and mother - and your heavenly Father.
