Relationships: Dating

Welcome everybody to week 3 of our relationship series. We’re doing this series because during the month of February, the month where all you see is hearts and flowers and hear about relationships. From the grocery stores to the jewelry and clothes people are wearing and going to go to the valentines dance at your school or going on a valentines date with your boyfriend or girlfriend. While that is all good and fun and wholesome the way the world defines relationships isn’t always the same as we should as christians.

We should, as believers, know how Christ has called us to live and to love.

How to love our brothers and sisters in Christ like we talked about in week 1 of the series, or that Agape love like Greg talked about this past Sunday if you were here.

How to have right relationship with God when we’re given the gift of singleness and how we have the freedom and blessing to devote more of ourselves to God without the worldly responsibilities of a relationship,

and this week where we will be talking about dating and how followers of Christ should approach dating relationships and how to carry ourselves in those relationships and in finding those relationships.

All of you are starting your teen years, some of you are starting middle school, some of you starting high school, and as you all prepare to go to college and into the rest of the world you will feel a pressure to start dating and enter into relationships.

Tonight as we talk about dating I believe that having the right view and understanding on dating will help tremendously in the church. So as you start this journey of dating you need to ask yourself “What is dating for?” If you don’t define dating, everybody else will define it for you.

Culture says dating is casual. Culture says dating is about experience. Culture says dating is about feelings. Culture says dating is about not being alone.

But if you don’t know what dating is for, you’ll end up using people instead of pursuing covenant.

Dating is not about entertainment. Dating is not about experimentation. Dating is about evaluation.

You are evaluating: “Could this be my future spouse?” Not “Do they make me feel butterflies?”

That shift changes everything.

Sometimes we don’t realize or forget that dating does not exist in the bible.

While you will see Jesus and the Apostle Paul address issues like singleness like we looked at last week and issues like marriage which we will talk about next week, you won’t find dating directly addressed in the bible and the reason is because dating didn’t exist in the time of the bible.

However the bible does have a lot to say about relationships because the whole book is about relationship with God and how that transfers into your relationships with others. Even though it says a little bit about marriage and not anything about dating there are principles we can pull out of the bible that we can apply to our dating life.

This word ‘dating’ has only been around for 120 years. It is a new idea and a new concept. It entered into the English language under a completely different context than what we use it for now, but over time it got redefined into how we understand it today.

People will say it’s when you like someone or find them attractive you go on a series of dates or spend a certain amount of time together and if you date long enough then you begin to think about marriage, and maybe even for some of y’all you may not even be considering marriage when you date but just chasing the idea of being wanted or not being alone.

However in the perspective of God, dating is the pathway to a promise. That promise is the lifelong covenant and commitment of marriage.

And this is where we need to be honest.

There is a massive difference between dating for marriage and dating for lust.

Dating for marriage says: “I want to honor God.” “I want to grow spiritually.” “I want to pursue covenant.”

Dating for lust says: “I like how they look.” “I like how they make me feel.” “I don’t want to be alone.” “I want physical closeness without spiritual responsibility.”

One is building toward covenant. The other is feeding the flesh.

If you remove marriage from the equation, what you’re left with is emotional attachment and physical temptation without long-term commitment.

That is not God’s design.

Dating should be something that those who desire marriage embark on the journey to marriage, and if you want a marriage and if there is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and do ministry with you have to know what you’re looking for and how to carry yourself as a disciple of Christ.

Some of you may enter into dating with the mindset of “I will just know when I know” or “maybe this will work out maybe it won’t” and just chase the idea of being in a relationship or being in love.

But what you should really be seeking and asking is “What should I look for in a spouse.” and “Do I have those same qualities I am looking for in someone else?” because if you have certain expectations for your future spouse and you’re not meeting those expectations yourself you are bordering on hypocrisy.

You cannot ask someone to be the man/woman of God that you are not yet yourself.

More importantly who you date matters. It matters because that relationship will shape your spiritual life, your emotional health, and potentially your future marriage.

Dating is not just a title

When you put the title “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” on someone, you are giving them influence.

Influence over your emotions. Influence over your time. Influence over your thoughts. Influence over your spiritual life.

And whoever has influence over your heart has influence over your direction.

That’s why dating cannot be casual — because influence is never casual.

Hear me carefully.

You are not married when you’re dating. You are discerning.

If someone is manipulating you, pressuring you physically, disrespecting you, or pulling you away from Christ — you do not endure that in the name of loyalty.

That is not covenant. That is unhealthy attachment.

But on the other side, if every time things get hard you leave — if every disagreement leads to a breakup — if commitment scares you the moment it costs something — then you’re training your heart to exit when things aren’t easy.

And if you date, break up, date, break up, date, break up — you aren’t dating for marriage. You’re practicing for divorce.

Healthy dating discerns wisely and commits intentionally.

The ultimate goal of dating is to find a life partner, and that is not something to take lightly or leave to chance. So today we’re looking at three things that will help you navigate this journey well— starting with yourself, then your choices, and ending with how to actually love someone.

When you commit time and energy into anything you are not just giving those things you promised but you are also giving those commitments a piece of yourself, or a piece of your heart.

Proverbs 4:23 “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.”

Your heart is the source of everything that makes you who you are as a person — your decisions, your values, your actions. Because of this it is important to ‘Guard your Heart’.

Guard Your Heart

Your heart is what drives you to do certain things and people will notice those things and it will reveal apart of who you are to others.

Usually people will describe the heart in one of two ways. Either having a soft heart or a hard heart.

Some people can be very empathetic and sympathetic to the things around them and because of this they will have compassion, show love, live with humility, be more aware of their emotions and the emotions of others and because of this they will grow as an individual and grow into deeper relationships with others.

Those who have a hardened heart are filled with pride, resistance, self-reliance, bitterness, unforgiveness, lack of compassion, and stubbornness. A heart that says “I don’t need correction I am perfect the way I am.”

Which we can automatically see this as pride because Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” . There is only one perfect man that ever walked this earth and his name is Jesus Christ and he died so that you may live. And Jesus teaches us to guard our hearts in the same way the Apostle Paul does says in…

Hebrews 3:12–13 “Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.”

So those who live in their sin and by their flesh have a heart of stone but those who truly and sincerely turn to God will be given a softened and renewed heart.

Ezekiel 36:26 “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”

Romans 5:5 “and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Faith brings the Spirit, and the Spirit produces tenderness, love, and conviction.

So if you have been give a renewed heart from God through your faith and belief in him it is so crucial and important that you guard that heart day in and day out because there is an enemy that is waging war against you. Jesus says….

John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

That abundant life starts with trust, surrender, and repentance to Jesus Christ.

Before you allow anyone into your heart you need to understand that protecting your heart matters. It matters in your walk with Jesus Christ because there is a spiritual war happening in the world and it starts in your heart.

How you tune your heart to the things of God or the things of the world will directly impact your relationship with others especially your spouse. It sets the internal work of self-awareness and spiritual foundation.

The condition of your heart will determine the condition of your relationships.

If you are insecure, you will look for validation instead of character. If you are prideful, you will look for admiration instead of accountability. If you are spiritually lazy, you will look for someone who doesn’t challenge you.

But if your heart is surrendered to Christ, you will look for someone who strengthens your surrender.

You don’t attract what you want. You attract what you are ready for.

Your heart will affect who you choose to be in a relationship with and how you choose them.

It is so important to choose wisely.

Choose Wisely

Ben how am I supposed to choose wisely?

Do I look for someone who I grew up with, someone who I have been friends with, someone who knows my family just as well as I know theirs, or is someone just gonna walk into my life one day and I am just going to fall in love at first sight.

Maybe but first things first is you get to know the person and the heart behind that person. We all know that people can have green flags and red flags.

Red flags are things that through discernment, which means the understanding of right and wrong, you should be able to see what is buried beneath the surface of a person.

Red flags aren’t something that you see on the first impression. They often show up subtly rather than loudly.

It can be the joke that makes you uncomfortable

2. The way they talk to or about their parents

3. How they treat people who can’t do anything for them

4. It’s how they respond when they get told “NO”

Character is revealed in small moments and in patterns not in empty promises.

The bible gives us green flags for godly men and women.

Proverbs 31 says a godly women is trustworthy, hardworking, wise, generous, strong, and fearful of the Lord.

Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

Titus 2:3–5 says a godly woman is reverent in behavior, not slanderous, self-controlled, pure, kind, and faithful.

Paul writes in 1 Timothy a godly woman should have modesty, self-control and good works.

If those verses aren’t enough go look at the story of Ruth. Boaz calls her a “woman of noble character” in Ruth 3:11

Men, Proverbs 9 says A godly man is not just nice. He is not just moral. He reveres God, submits to God, and orders his life around God. If a man does not fear the Lord, he will not lead well, love well, or live well.

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,”

Biblical masculinity is sacrificial, not selfish. It gives, protects, serves, and takes responsibility. A godly man does not dominate. He does not manipulate. He lays his life down.

Christ is the model — not culture.

It says in Titus that a godly man controls his temper, his speech, and his desires. Men if you cannot control yourself you cannot lead someone else.

1 Timothy 4:12 “Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.”

Purity is not just physical but it is about what you watch, what you joke about, and how you treat women. A godly man protects purity both yours and hers.

1 Corinthians 16:13 “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.”

Biblical strength is firmness in faith. He stands for truth even when it’s unpopular. He does not fold under peer pressure.

A godly man serves. He shows up, keeps his word, takes responsibility, works hard, and serves without expecting anything in return.

Women you are to be those things if you are to seek these in a man, and men you should be these things before you expect those things in a woman but most of all pay attention to 2 Corinthians 6:14

2 Corinthians 6:14 ESV

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

Paul does not write this as restriction or a rule for believers but instead he writes this for wisdom and encouragement to be aligned with those you choose to be in a relationship with.

The fact is that who you surround yourself with maters, and that doesn’t just matter in dating and marriage but in friendships too.

If you choose to be friends with or date someone who does not value good morals and obedience to Jesus Christ but in your mind you’re telling yourself “but I can show them the light I can share Jesus with them”, while yes that is true it’s also true what Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 15:33 “Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.””

If you commit to someone and surround yourself constantly with people who are living in sin and following the ways of the world your light will be consumed by darkness.

You should still be a light in the darkness but your light should shine brighter than the darkness can cover.

In the same way that bad company can break you down, good company can build you up.

I’ve shared this verse plenty of times so you should have it memorized by now so read it with me.

Proverbs 27:17 “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”

You should be building one another up in your friendships, in your dating relationships, so when you are ready for marriage you will already be the encouragement that builds up your spouse not the one who breaks them down.

The world is already doing that, they will not need that from you, the one whom they trust with their heart.

The strongest dating relationships are built on friendship.

Not chemistry first.

Not attraction first.

Not status first.

Friendship first.

Because marriage is not built on butterflies. It is built on trust, respect, shared faith, and shared mission.

If you wouldn’t be friends with them without the physical attraction, you shouldn’t date them.

When you find that person who you love, who you encourage and who encourages you then what? I have kept guard of my heart and prayed for my spouse and I finally found them through wisdom and discernment but now what?

How do I love them and care for them?

Once you’ve guarded your heart, chosen wisely, and entered into a relationship with purpose — the question becomes:

How do I love this person in a way that reflects Jesus?

Because the goal is not just to find someone who makes you happy.

The goal is to become someone who loves like Christ.

Love Like Christ

The most important thing you should know about the love that Jesus Christ showed you is that it was a choice.

While the world is gonna tell you that love is about that special feeling or special person, while there is truth to that, love when you boil it down to it’s core is a choice.

When you meet that person it’s not gonna be a remake of your favorite romance movie it’s gonna be a choice to wake up and choose to love everyday because they complete you and who you are.

So if love is not just a feeling and if love is a choice how do we know the choice we’re making and how do we know what love is?

1 Corinthians 13:4–7 “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

To be patient means to be slow to anger

To be kind means to be gentle in tone

Love does not

Envy - resent others or the blessings they receive

Boast - You don’t do things for attention or applause

Not Arrogant - Not inflated with self-importance

Not Rude - Doesn’t dishonor others or act in hostility

Does Not Insist on it’s Own Way - Not “my way or the highway”

Not Irritable - Not easily provoked

Does not rejoice at wrongdoing - Doesn’t celebrate sin, gossip, revenge, or failure. Love is never delighted in someone else’s wrongdoing

Love Rejoices with the truth Celebrates what is right. Aligns with God’s standard, not culture’s.

Love and truth are not enemies.

What Love Endures

Bears all things - Covers. Protects. Doesn’t expose unnecessarily.

2. Believes all things - Gives the benefit of the doubt. Chooses trust over suspicion (within wisdom).

3. Hopes all things - Expects God to work. Doesn’t give up quickly.

4. Endures all things - Stays. Remains under pressure. Perseveres.

This is covenant love, not convenience love.

This is the love shown by Christ the love that he chose when he was nailed to the cross.

Jesus didn’t stay on the cross because it felt good. He stayed because covenant mattered.

And the love you show in dating should reflect that same kind of intentionality.

Not convenience love. Not emotional love. Not temporary love.

Covenant-shaped love.

And that kind of love starts long before marriage.

It starts now — in how you guard your heart, how you choose wisely, and how you reflect Christ.

Because the dating relationship you build today is shaping the marriage you will step into tomorrow.