Biblical Roles: Wives

Recap marriage and the picture

Good morning, turn with me to Colossians chapter 3. We’re continuing our study here verse by verse through the book of Colossians.

Last week we looked at what a Biblical marriage is and we noted a few pivotal components of a Biblical marriage, namely that it is designed to be permanent, a priority, for pleasure, and ultimately a picture of the gospel.

I want us to see again that final element of the picture of marriage.

Turn to Ephesians chapter 5

Paul is writing here to the church of Ephesus and it tracks very similar to how he instructs the Colossian church as well

Like Colossians, Paul here is instructing the church on the household codes and you can see he gives more attention to husbands and wives here than he does in colossians, which is helpful for us as we study colossians to be able to expound on the dynamics of husband and wife.

What I want us to see however, begins in verse 31. Paul quotes the creation account in Genesis 2 surrounding the first marriage and says “this mystery is profound, and i am saying that it refers to Christ and the church”

That there is the picture. We must remember that our marriages primarily exist to reflect the central reality of Christ and the church.

So now, as we look at roles over the next couple of weeks, let us look at these roles seriously and attentively but let us look at them within the context of the primary purpose of the glorification of God through the reflection of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

What Ephesians tells us is some of the grounding behind the roles. Eph 5 22

In this picture of the gospel, Husbands are to reflect the role of Christ (we will look at that next week) and wives are to reflect the role of the Church.

Let me say this as a quick aside. Your faithful obedience in your marriage, specifically around the God given role assigned to you, is not reliant or dependent on your spouse's faithful obedience in their role.

Meaning, you can, by the power of the spirit, continue in faithful obedience within your role regardless of how your spouse behaves

1 Cor 5:9 says our aim is to please him, and we can do that independent of anyone else

“What about mutual submission”

Ephesians 5:21 “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

What Paul is doing is framing up submission and then goes into how submission plays out.

Wives husbands

Children parents

Slaves to masters

Turn back to Col 3

Roles

I thought about just getting into this and saying like it is straight up but I realized that there is a difficulty to this so I want to be sensitive to that

We are all called to different roles in various aspects of our lives, our marriage, our family, our relationship with parents and children, work, church government, etc. We function in different capacities for various reasons within the roles that God has called us to.

WE ALL SUBMIT

God

James 4:7 “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”

Government

Rom 13

Elders

Heb 13

Employers

Jesus said he submits to the fathers will

The problem lies in that we don’t like authority over us.

“Don’t tread on me”

“Stick it to the man”

“Brick in the wall” - pink floyd

Complementarian vs Egalitarian

If you’ve never heard of the word complementarian, it stems from the word complement (not compliment) which means “Something that completes or makes perfect; either of two parts or things needed to complete the whole; counterparts.”.

A complementarian is someone who holds to the Biblical truth that men and women were created equal, but different

Meaning they are equal in value, worth, and dignity

But different in function, or role

We see this in the creation account.

Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

Gen 2 - Could not find a helper fit for him so he created a woman. Now, if men and women had no differences, why create Eve? Just create another Adam. But there are differences in their design, both biologically and functionally.

NOTE: God is Israels helper

The word complementarian was coined not that long ago as a polemic against the term egalitarian. See in the 70’s & 80’s there were some people who came around and said, “wait a second, we think the Bible teaches that men and women are exactly the same. There is no distinction between them and they can function in the same roles interchangeably”

The question you need to ask yourself is did something in our understanding of the scriptures change 5 minutes ago or did something of our culture change?

Quick defense: Complementarian roles are rooted in created and pointed toward redemption

Rooted in creation

Paul grounds the roles laid out in Eph 5 by harkening back to the creation account in the garden

HELPER HERE?

Pointed to Redemption

Our roles serve as a reflection of the roles of Christ and the church

Spiritual warfare around marriage

What is important to remember is that there is significant spiritual warfare around the covenant of marriage and the enemy is on a mission to destroy marriages.

If I were the devil, I wouldn’t need to insert myself into every marriage, rather, I would tell the world through media, literature, even from the pulpit, that the biblical roles of marriage are outdated, oppressive, cruel, meant for your misery, not your joy, and that liberation is to be found severed from them.

I would whisper to women,

“Did God really say, you shall submit to your husbands?”

“God knows that when you become head of your household, your eyes will be opened”

I would tell men to sit back, where they are comfortable, and let their wives eat that fruit and then partake themselves

I would have men point the finger toward “the woman god gave them” as the reason they don’t lead their households. It’s her fault after all.

And I would destroy as many earthly pictures of the gospel as I possibly could

My exhortation to you is to see what God has called you to and walk faithfully in that role

To perhaps repent of a fallen, wicked heart that’s desire is to eat of that poisonous fruit and to submit ourselves to the word of God

So let’s look at what those roles are, specifically for women today

It’s worth noting that Paul only mentions one command for each of the roles within the household codes. Certainly there is more to the role of a wife than to submit, more to a husband than to love, more to children to obey, etc.

So the question is then, why did Paul choose these?

Is it because

A) They are acting as an all encompassing word, like an umbrella word in which all other aspects of the role are to fall under?

B)Or is this a specific aspect of the role that Paul intends to highlight for a specific reason?

I would contend for the second option. I believe Paul is highlighting a specific element within the roles in order to accomplish a purpose. And I believe that purpose is transformation.

Here’s what I mean… Paul highlights a specific element of the role as sort of a foundational or pivotal element that then transforms the rest of the role. For a wife, it is submission. We can talk about how a wife is called to more than that. She is called to be kind, meek, patient, humble (verse 12). Paul tells Titus to train the young women to love their husbands (Tit 2:4). But Pauls intends to focus in on this pivotal element of the role of women

The Who of submission

The What of submission

The Why of submission

The Who of Submission

When we look at Biblical submission we need to look at the participating parties. Some have wrongly grabbed Biblical submission and turned it into something the scriptures did not intend. The call is for a wife to submit to her husband

Two parties - Wives and Husbands

The first party we see is “wives”

I want us to see a couple things the text doesn’t say

First, it doesn't say “women”

It is “wives” that Paul is calling to the act of submission.

Within relationships this means

That means girlfriends, not called to submit. That means fiances, not called to submit. “Partners”, whatever that means, not called to submit. Submission is something that is expected of and commanded only of women who have entered into covenant “one flesh” relationships with their husbands.

Second, it does not place a qualifier around what kind of wife.

The text does not say “passive wives”, it does not say “dumb wives”, it does not say “wives who know less about the bible than their husbands”. It says wives.

Meaning, if you are a married woman, this is a call to you

The next party is husbands.

Like wives, you do not want to read the word men, where you see the word husbands, specifically your husband

Some, who are in error, have tried to take the good glorious design of a wife’s submission to her husband, and tried to make that mean that all women submit to all men. That is not Biblical.

And similarly to wives, there is not a qualifier on the kind of husband you are married to.

It does not say “Super Godly husbands”, or “your selfless husbands” or “your faithful husbands” “your “newly married husband”.

You may say, well Marcus, surely he must be a believer, I mean the verse does end with “in the Lord”

Not so fast… First, that’s not what in the lord is referring to (we’ll address that later) and second, Peter addresses this in 1 Pet 3

1 Peter 3:1–2 “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”

Peter says, to be subject (same word “hypotasso”) to your own husbands, EVEN if some do not obey the word.

Because your called to submit your husband

Because you can actually win your husband over by your faithfulness to your God given role as a wife

What Of Submission

We’re going to look at what submission is and practically what it looks like in the home, but let’s first start by looking at what it isn’t. (Sculptor illustration)

Biblical submission of a wife to her husband is NOT

Quiet compliance

The Bible does not tell women to act like slaves and just take marching orders from their husbands and have no say in the matter.

Blind obedience

Your submission to your husband does not mean that you blindly follow your husband. You need to understand that your first submission is to Jesus, and anything your husband would try to lead you into that is sin, you must not follow

Now, I will say that you must be sure what your husband is telling you to do or not do is sin, and not preference.

Agreeing with your husband

God has given you a mind, and emotions, and thoughts and desires, and you may not always, or in some cases, rarely, agree with your husband's decisions. You are not called to agree with your husband, but you are called to submit to his leadership

That you don’t influence your husband

A good, godly husband will consult his closest relationship when making decisions because he values her desires, her wisdom, her perspective. Eve was made to be Adam’s helper. Helpers help

NOT MANIPULATION

That your husband will make every decision

“May I use the restroom”

Lorna makes a lot of decisions in our life, but she makes those decisions with my desires in mind. If she thinks I may not agree with a decision or may want to go a different direction, she will ask me what I think or want to do in those situations.

Submission is not enduring abuse

We care deeply about your safety and want to make sure that you are protected if this is the case for you. Speak to me, one of the pastors and we will do everything we can to ensure you are safe.

So, if it is not those things, what is it?

The greek word for submit (some translations, be subject to) is hupotasso

ὑπό - Hupo “under”

Τάσσω - tasso “to arrange” “place”

The call of a wife to submit to her husband is to place herself under the authority and leadership of her husband.

Let me give you a definition of what I believe Biblical submission looks like

Biblical submission is “A wife's voluntary placing of herself under her husbands God given role as head of the household that flows from a heart posture of respect for him and love of God

Let’s look at those elements

Voluntary

because that is exactly what it is. Yes it is commanded, but it is not forced. Forced submission is not submission at all

God given

To ensure we view our husbands role with the divine weight it should have

Head of the household

Language that the bible uses to describe the role of the husband.

Ephesians 5:23 “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.”

Heart posture

Mere outward submission is not faithful submission. If I outwardly submit but inwardly am rebelling I am not pleasing the Lord

God says through the prophet Isaiah that there are people who honor him with their lips but their heart is far from them.

Respect

Paul summarizes the role of the wife in Ephesians 5. I also say respect because some may think that respect is earned, not given. And while I understand the premise behind it, I want to let you know that the Bible tells us that there are people who God has appointed to certain positions inside our life that we are to give respect for. For you, wives, one of those is your husband. You are called by God to give respect to the man that you married and the one who is called to lead you and love you.

Love of God

That is what drives us to faithful obedience in all areas of our life. We love what God loves and hate what God hates because he has loved us and in that love we have found ourselves in love with him

Jesus sums up the law in loving God and loving neighbor

Jesus says if you love me you will obey me

Obedience in our marriages flows from a love of Jesus and a desire to please him

So what does that look like, practically speaking? What does it look like for me to submit to my husband? I want to do it but I’m not sure how?

Let me give you two words that I think can encapsulate all of what it looks like for a wife to walk in faithful submission to her husband.

Treasure & Treat

Treasure your husband’s leadership and treat your husband like he is a leader

Let’s unpack these briefly

Treasure (internal).

What I mean here is a heart posture of affirmation around your husband's leadership. It will be very very very hard for you to treat your husband like he is head of your home if in your heart you want to be head of your home.

Wrong heart still right actions

Now, I want to make sure I’m clear here. I am not saying that if you don’t have the right heart behind it that you shouldn’t behave in a Godly manner. I’m just saying that you need to begin with, and continue to examine your heart and repent of any idolatry as it creeps in specifically in this area of your life.

Treat (external).

Treat your husband like he is the leader of your home. There are couples out there that are struggling around roles in a marriage and I have had women say to me, “Marcus, I want my husband to lead” and so I ask some questions and in a few minutes we find out that she has choked out opportunities for her husband to lead.

A wife is called to help her husband as the leader but many times she can become hinderer rather than a helper.

So wives, ask your husband for his input. Ask your husband what he thinks you should do. Ask your husband to make decisions in your home. Ask him if he has any problems or issues with the thing you were planning BEFORE you plan it.

Allow room for him to lead and then follow alongside him and help him.

What you treat him like and what you don’t treat him like

Don’t treat him like he is your son. It is both sad and humorous the amount of men I talk to that are afraid of their wives. Afraid that if they buy something they will be chastised. Afraid that if they do something they will be punished. Afraid if they don’t do something, they will be reprimanded.

Don’t treat him like he’s stupid

Don’t treat him like one of your girlfriends

Now, I am not defending bad husbands… They’ll get theirs next week. But what I am doing is telling you to focus on your role as a wife, not your husband's role.

Treasure your husband and his role as leader and treat him like he is the leader that God has called him to be

Why of submission

Lastly, we look at the “why” of submission. Like I often say, ‘because God said’ is plenty enough reason to do whatever it is he says. But it’s interesting that Paul has this little phrase at the end…

“As is fitting in the Lord”

It is fitting, it is proper, in God’s good design

To use Pauls previous clothing illustrations. This fits well.

Do you know where it’s not fitting… “the world”

That's because the idea that wives should submit to their husband is something that the world is repulsed at. If I were to run for president in 20 years (don’t worry I’m not, but if I do, vote for me), the opposing candidate would send a full time team to dig up all that they possibly could on me. And do you know that this sermon would find its way to the top of the pile. Unless the Lord does a work in this nation and we repent, I would lose the election because of this sermon.

How dare a man tell women what to do.

How dare he tell women they are to “submit”

I would be labeled as a bigoted, sexist, chauvinistic, narcissist.

Because this isn't fitting in the world.

The world says, men, you don’t want a wife, want as many women as you can get, you need to pursue making as much money as you can and get the highest status you can achieve and in that women will flock to you. Instead of protecting women, you will use them and manipulate them for your own satisfaction

The world says, women, you don’t want a husband. What you need to do is go into the workplace and become a bossbabe. You are more intelligent, more sophisticated, more capable and you need to pursue your glory. You don’t need or want a husband and kids will only slow down your pursuits.

Men and women, don’t get married, don’t have kids. And if you do, don’t do it God's way. That’s outdated, uninformed, oppressive. You can be liberated by doing it our way

The devil is whispering and the world is listening

If you’ve ever listened to a best man or maid of honor speech at a wedding. They’re usually really bad and start out with how they met, some stories that are meant to be funny, a few jokes at the groom, and then get sentimental and end with some marriage advice usually in the form of a quote

“You don’t marry someone you can live with — you marry someone you can’t live without.”

“Now for a word of advice”

May you always be each other’s sunshine on cloudy days.

Laugh at the little things.

Continue to chase sunsets

Dance in the kitchen like no-one is watching

Cheers to your greatest adventure yet.

To a lifetime of adventure.

Now imagine if someone said

“Wife: as the church submits to Christ, may you submit your husband and show him respect

Husband: Love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her so that he might sanctify her

May your marriage serve as a picture of the Gospel for the glory of Christ”

They’d kick you out of the building!

The irony of all of it is that we have seen what the world's strategy has led to… misery.

Record high divorce rates, record low marriage rates, record high depression, record low joy

So it may not be fitting in the world but it is fitting in the Lord

Josh 24:15

Gods of old, gods of new, the gods of there, the gods of here. Me and my household, we shall serve the lord.

You are a new creation in Christ - Put off the old spouse and put on the new

You don’s submit to your husband because it is fitting in him.

You submit because it is fitting in the lord

Translation: Christ is worthy

You don’t submit to your husband because he is worthy of submission

We don’t submit to emperors and governors and presidents because they're worthy

We don’t submit to church pastors, and elders because they are worthy

It is fitting in Jesus because Jesus has made it fitting.

Wives, you operate as a picture of the bride of Christ. In faithful submission to him as head. He is worthy of your submission.

He has looked upon our helpless state and has come down from heaven to wed a bride to himself. And that wedding came at great cost. That wedding cost the son of God his very life.

Sin had marred this bride and the wages to redeem her were death. But this great bridegroom knew the cost, counted it down to the penny and said I WIll PAY

You need to see that Jesus goes to the cross out of a great love for his bride.

Wives, your role inside your marriage is to play the bride.

You may not have a godly husband, you may not have a healthy marriage, but if you are in Christ you are a part of the bride of Christ and he is a worthy spouse.

He has laid down his life to redeem us, to wash us, to cleanse us, to sanctify us. Christ has paid for our sins and he will present us on that day, pure. Without spot or wrinkle, holy and without blemish.

Fix your eyes upon Christ, see the love in which he has loved his bride and gave himself for her, and out of his faithfulness, his worth, live out your role as the wife he has called you to be. For the fame of his name and the Joy of his people