Wisdom in Conflict

INTRO: In a small village, a storm washed away the only bridge over a deep ravine. Three brothers stood at the edge, each needing to cross to reach their homes on the other side.

The First Brother… As soon as he saw the gap, his face turned red. "This is an insult!" he shouted. Without testing the mud or looking for a rope, he charged toward the edge, intending to leap across the 20-foot chasm by sheer force of will. He didn't think about the distance; he only felt the heat of his own energy. He jumped, missed, and spent the rest of the day bruised and stuck in the mud at the bottom.

The Second Brother… saw the fall of the first and froze. He sat down and began to calculate the wind speed, the depth of the ravine, and the probability of the remaining wood rotting. He thought about what would happen if he fell, what the villagers would say if he failed, and whether he even deserved to get to the other side. By sunset, he was still sitting on the edge—paralyzed by a thousand "what-ifs."

The Third Brother... looked at the bridge and immediately began to blame the builder. "He used the wrong nails on purpose," he muttered. He wanted to leave me stranded! When a traveler passed by and offered a hand, the brother narrowed his eyes. "Help me? You think I’m too stupid to figure it out, don’t you?" he snapped. He spent his time arguing with the traveler about whose fault the bridge was and picking apart every suggestion made to fix it. He wasn't trying to cross; he was trying to be right.

When we face broken bridges of conflict in our lives, whether that’s a difficult conversation, a betrayal, or a misunderstanding, we naturally tend to respond in ways similar to these three brothers.

Proverbs 14:12 NASB95

12 There is a way which seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death.

You see, just because our response seems right to us does not mean that it is right… and that is often revealed clearly in times of conflict. I want you to reflect for a moment: How do you tend to respond to conflict?

Are you easily angered- a hot-head?

Are you timid or worrisome, constantly trying to please others rather than deal with the issue?

Or do you have a chip on your shoulder, daring someone to knock it off?

I believe, if we are honest with ourselves, that we probably have responded in all of these ways at one point or another. So, if you are interested in learning how to walk wisely in conflict, I invite you to lean in to the message today.

While there is some great practical help that we can walk away with, I want you to see that true wisdom is found when we are surrendered to God’s will and way. Today, we will see how Solomon, in his wisdom writings, confronts our natural thinking, and points us upward to God’s way- for our good and God’s glory.

First, we’ll examine a bit closer our natural tendencies in conflict, so that we can recognize them, and turn from them. Then we will look at the way of wisdom. My prayer is that you will see beyond your shortfalls to receive God’s grace and to live and walk wisely through all the broken bridges you face.

Let’s dive in. If you picked up a bulletin, I’ve provided a sermon guide for you to follow along as we ask God to teach us together this morning.

The first natural way of response in conflict is:

We Underthink and Explode (29:11, 14:17, 15:18, 22:24)

This is the idea of a quick-tempered reaction. It’s when we lead with emotion, not wisdom. Anyone here ever been a hot-head?

Listen to what Solomon writes:

Proverbs 29:11 NASB95

11 A fool always loses his temper, But a wise man holds it back.

I wonder if that hits home with anyone. I can tell you that this kind of underthinking was common for me several years ago. I used to get so easily frustrated and angry, and I absolutely played the role of fool.

I remember one time I got so angry because the dog was just being a dog- digging, barking, pooping everywhere… I yelled at the dog like some sort of psycho.

And you know what? After a blow-up like that, I felt like a fool. But you know, this natural, foolish tendency is not just about how we feel or how we look, it’s about how others may or may nor relate to us.

Listen to:

Proverbs 15:18 NASB95

18 A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute.

The truth of the matter is that if we are underthinking hot-heads, then even the smallest of conflicts can be easily transformed into big deals. And that impacts whether or not people are willing to talk to you and even may affect whether people tell you the truth. Why? Because a quick-tempered person is predictably hostile.

Chances are, if you are a hot-head, you’ve burned a few relational bridges. Listen to a couple more of Solomon’s statements:

Proverbs 14:17 NASB95

17 A quick-tempered man acts foolishly, And a man of evil devices is hated.

Proverbs 22:24–25 NASB95

24 Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hot-tempered man, 25 Or you will learn his ways And find a snare for yourself.

Now, look, I am not preaching this to judge you or pick on you… after all, do you really think I’d stand up here and poke at people who are quick to fly off the handle? That would not be very wise of me. No, I’m preaching this because it is God’s Word. And God’s Word reveals God’s wisdom so that you can know Him and have a good grasp on the Fear of the Lord.

Friend, if this is speaking to your heart, I want you to know that I love you… and God loves you. And you are not here today on accident. This is an invitation to repent and seek God’s help in this area of your life.

Now some of you do not have that underthinking problem. No, for you, the pendulum has swung all the way over and the natural tendency is:

We Overthink and Spiral (12:25, 17:22, 29:25)

Isn’t it odd that thinking too much can get us into trouble? If you’re like me, all your life you had people telling you to “think!” Think about this, think about that… I thought thinking was good! Overthinking is a bit different- it’s not just that we are thinking too much, but that we are thinking about the wrong things too much.

We have come to know this as worry or anxiety. Let’s listen to God’s Word.

Proverbs 12:25 NASB95

25 Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down, But a good word makes it glad.

Ok, let’s get real for a minute: Anyone’s heart a bit weighed down this morning? Perhaps you have spent half the night last night replaying a conversation… maybe you are thinking of all the things you could have said that would have really taught that person a lesson.

Or maybe you are so anxious about what other people might be thinking about you, that you are suspicious about every person who looks your way. And you question your worth or value… whether you belong anywhere.

Anxiety can have many triggers, but conflict can often bring our overthinking to a point where we are either in despair or we are paralyzed. It makes us feel hopeless and uneasy.

Proverbs 17:22 NASB95

22 A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones.

ILL: I remember the look on my dad’s face the night my mother passed away. There were 6 of us kids. 4 girls, 2 boys ranging from 6-16. This conflict brought my dad to a place where he felt the weight of all the unanswered questions. And over the years, he tried to self-medicate, effectively paralyzing his actions from anything meaningful while his body would regularly be thrown into panic attacks.

Did you know we live in a day where people are more anxious than perhaps any other era in history? You see, this overthinking has major consequences, and I know this is a bit heavy, but I believe God has the ability to lead us even here. I am so thankful for the hope and assurance of the Gospel. When it feels like we can no longer bear the weight of our anxiety, Jesus is there. As the psalm reminds us, Christ is our hiding place and our strong tower.

You see, friends, anxiety is a fear: It’s a fear that falsely awards power to circumstances or people while we’re stuck trying to overcome them in our weakness. It’s a fear that elevates the world above the Creator. Listen to Solomon’s words in:

Proverbs 29:25 NASB95

25 The fear of man brings a snare, But he who trusts in the Lord will be exalted.

If the Lord is my shepherd, then He is my protector, my provider… He prepares for me a table in the presence of these enemies! And He anoints MY HEAD with oil… I like the way the psalmist says it in Psalm 56:3 “3 When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.”

Maybe it sounds over-simplified, but then again, have you ever tried thinking too much about God? Overthinking and underthinking are both unwise ways to respond in conflict. Yet, there is still another form of thinking that some of us may tend towards. This is when:

We Counter-think and Attack (26:21, 27:15, 21:9; 19)

Let me define my term here. To counter-think is to constantly be on the offensive. This is when we walk around looking for a fight. Always taking offense… and when we have nothing to take offense at, we cause an offense. Maybe this describes you or someone you know… don’t poke or point!

I like to describe folks who tend to counter-think as “sticks of dynamite looking for a match.” Solomon uses the word “contentious.” Look at

Proverbs 26:21 NASB95

21 Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, So is a contentious man to kindle strife.

IOW, you can count on a fight whether you are looking for one or not.

There are all sorts of ways this manifests.

In the workplace, it might look like a colleague who disagrees with every suggestion, is divisive, or is constantly in HR’s office bad mouthing others.

It might look like the social media “troll” who hops into the comments on a post just to argue or accuse.

Or it might look like someone who always demands to have the last word, refusing to let things go, and constantly finding a reason to hate.

And there are plenty of men and women who may be contentious. Solomon, of course is speaking to his sons, so he warns them- maybe from experience- that a contentious spouse can make life very difficult. Look with me at:

Proverbs 27:15 NASB95

15 A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman are alike;

Proverbs 21:9 NASB95

9 It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

Proverbs 21:19 NASB95

19 It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman.

Here’s Solomon’s point: it is very difficult to have a relationship with someone who is contentious. You might feel like you are always ‘walking on eggshells’ around them or that you are constantly being told a list of demands about how you have to shift your behavior or your expectations. It’s exhausting because a counter-thinker is constantly taking, constantly demanding.

But let’s pause for just a second here. I think that, in our minds, we can easily identify people who fit this picture. But I think that the true wisdom is found when we honestly evaluate our own tendencies. Ask yourself: Am I contentious at times?

You see, at the heart of this counter-thinking is pride. That’s what makes it hard to identify… we don’t want to see that about ourselves. This tendency reveals that we think we are entitled to something… entitled to a certain lifestyle, certain privileges, certain exceptions… and if we are not careful, we begin to demand that which belongs to God alone.

The reality is that we are broken people… flawed people. Prov. 25:28

Proverbs 25:28 NASB95

28 Like a city that is broken into and without walls Is a man who has no control over his spirit.

IOW, if we don’t address this, our life will constantly be a mess; full of uncertainty, unsafe.

Remember Prov 14:12?

Proverbs 14:12 NASB95

12 There is a way which seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death.

These three natural, but foolish ways of responding in conflict seem right in the moment, but God’s word shows us a better way; His way.

I want to give you three practical ways to break the pattern of your tendency; ways to rebuild the bridges that have collapsed. If you’re a note-taker, write this down.

If you are quick-tempered, not thinking through the consequences of you actions, I want you to simply PAUSE for 30 seconds before you offer any response. When you feel your temper heating up, ask God to give you wisdom. Prov. 19:11

Proverbs 19:11 NASB95

11 A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression.

2. If you are a worrier- overthinking and find yourself either paralyzed or in despair, then I am asking you shift your thoughts to who God is. When you are overwhelmed- and you feel yourself being tossed to and fro by all the what ifs or questions of motive, understand that God has not given you a spirit of fear or anxiety. In fact, God invites you to bring all those anxious thoughts and lay them at His feet.

Proverbs 18:10 NASB95

10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower; The righteous runs into it and is safe.

Proverbs 16:3 NASB95

3 Commit your works to the Lord And your plans will be established.

3. And if you are a counter-thinker and you seem to always be angry, looking for someone to chew out or blame, check your heart.

Proverbs 13:10 NASB95

10 Through insolence comes nothing but strife, But wisdom is with those who receive counsel.

And you might say, what if I still struggle? What if people really are my enemy and I feel both angry and a little crazy? Here’s what you do: Serve them. Meet a need they have. Listen, every person is made in the image of God, so we can show His love whether they deserve it or not! Look at what Solomon writes:

Proverbs 25:21–22 NASB95

21 If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; 22 For you will heap burning coals on his head, And the Lord will reward you.

When we serve, you are putting others first and that is how Christ taught us. Friends, God can heal your heart, and give you a whole new way of thinking. I call this:

Kingdom Thinking, Where Christ Rules

Ultimately, this is where we are unified with Christ. The bible tells us that in our suffering and in our conflict, we actually are drawn closer to Him. Philippians 3:10 “10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death;” and 2 Corinthians 1:5 “5 For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.”

You see folks, Conflict reveals what rules our thinking — our flesh or our King.

And the good news is — you do not have to be ruled by your flesh anymore.

Proverbs 3:5–6 NASB95

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.

How do we develop this thinking? It all centers on Jesus Christ. Jesus embodied God’s wisdom on earth- slow to anger, and righteous in His anger. He trusted God’s plan though He suffered more than you or I may ever understand… He came to serve and give His life a ransom on the cross of Calvary- the ultimate point of conflict.

You see, Jesus came to be the bridge between God and man. When sin entered the world with Adam and Eve, that original, perfect fellowship was destroyed. Just like in our opening illustration, mankind has been responding to that conflict in ways that seem right- works based religion, no religion… but these all lead to death.

Yet Jesus paid the penalty to forgive us and free us from being trapped in our sin. We do not have to settle for foolishness in conflict. We have wisdom; we have Christ.

Conflict happens, and some of y’all are still standing at the edge of that ravine… angry. afraid. defensive. Look here, Jesus is not saying, “Try harder!” He’s offering Himself to you. He’s saying, Come to me!! Abide in me!

In conflict, our natural thinking leads to destruction, but surrendered thinking under Christ leads to wisdom and peace. This is what Paul meant when he wrote:

Romans 12:2 NASB95

2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

The renewing of your mind is Kingdom Thinking — where Christ rules. Today, I invite you to do just that.

[PRAY]

Discuss: Read Proverbs 14:12. Why do our natural responses in conflict often feel right in the moment?

Discuss: For those who struggle with anxiety in conflict, what does it look like to “run into the strong tower” (Proverbs 18:10) in real time?

Discuss: What would it look like for Christ to visibly “rule” your thinking in the week ahead?